Well, for some reason I couldn't get to my page to post last night. But this is what I wrote a little after one in the morning:
"Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I do not now nor did I ever have any dignity, no one cares, and unfortuneately this 'nightmare' is my fucking life. No, I'm not whining. Because I don't know why I'm like this. There's no reason for me to feel this way. Actually there's no reason for me not to. Fuck it.
Stormy's on the road tonight. And I hate it. Not that she's on the road, but the reason she's going. Her friend's crisis. And it just SO conveniently conincides with HER crisis. I don't hate her friend. But I DO, for putting Stormy through this. It's like the goddamned cruelest thing I can think of to have go on for her right now. ESPECIALLY right now. I'm upset about it, but she needs to be there for her friend. Whom I want to call and tell to go to hell. Or just beat some fucking sense into her, she KNOWS what's going on with Stormy. How DARE she impose HER problems into my sister's life. The whole situation is fucked up. And wrong. And I can't be there for her. And I know she's got to be hurting. And I wish I could trade her, not pains, not lives. But I wish I could take her pain and give her my happiness. Limited though it is. And embodied in our little girl. Because Amethyst, in a way that cannot be explained to anyone-not even Stormy's husband-IS our child, mine and Stormy's. Goddammit! There's nothing I can DO. For her or for myself. Or even for Amethyst.
FUCK! I wish...Hell, I wish a lot of things. Right now I wish Hunter were here. He has a way of always making me feel ridiculous for feeling shitty. It's something I could really use right now. But he's not here, and I'm steeped in misery. With no way out. Closing doors, opening windows-and the only thing different from one day, week, month, year, decade to the next is that there's constantly something different that's making me feel like shit.
I wish I could kill myself. I wish it were that easy. And at this point I think the only thing stopping me is that I've got no idea how to make it look like an accident so that Slate and Stormy and Amethyst can get that insurance money. One hell of a hurdle, I'm sure. And one of these days I'll be able to overcome it. Or so I hope.
Laters
"Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I do not now nor did I ever have any dignity, no one cares, and unfortuneately this 'nightmare' is my fucking life. No, I'm not whining. Because I don't know why I'm like this. There's no reason for me to feel this way. Actually there's no reason for me not to. Fuck it.
Stormy's on the road tonight. And I hate it. Not that she's on the road, but the reason she's going. Her friend's crisis. And it just SO conveniently conincides with HER crisis. I don't hate her friend. But I DO, for putting Stormy through this. It's like the goddamned cruelest thing I can think of to have go on for her right now. ESPECIALLY right now. I'm upset about it, but she needs to be there for her friend. Whom I want to call and tell to go to hell. Or just beat some fucking sense into her, she KNOWS what's going on with Stormy. How DARE she impose HER problems into my sister's life. The whole situation is fucked up. And wrong. And I can't be there for her. And I know she's got to be hurting. And I wish I could trade her, not pains, not lives. But I wish I could take her pain and give her my happiness. Limited though it is. And embodied in our little girl. Because Amethyst, in a way that cannot be explained to anyone-not even Stormy's husband-IS our child, mine and Stormy's. Goddammit! There's nothing I can DO. For her or for myself. Or even for Amethyst.
FUCK! I wish...Hell, I wish a lot of things. Right now I wish Hunter were here. He has a way of always making me feel ridiculous for feeling shitty. It's something I could really use right now. But he's not here, and I'm steeped in misery. With no way out. Closing doors, opening windows-and the only thing different from one day, week, month, year, decade to the next is that there's constantly something different that's making me feel like shit.
I wish I could kill myself. I wish it were that easy. And at this point I think the only thing stopping me is that I've got no idea how to make it look like an accident so that Slate and Stormy and Amethyst can get that insurance money. One hell of a hurdle, I'm sure. And one of these days I'll be able to overcome it. Or so I hope.
Laters
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