All of a sudden, I'm having an incredibly stupid moment. As in, I'm feeling more than particularly stupid for more than a few reasons. I have faith, yes. And I can have faith in god because he's not really got any way to prove himself. Herself/itself/whatever. Or, rather, I realize that I am insignificant enough in god's eyes to not need knowledge. That I can handle, that I can even understand. But it IS within my love's power to prove HIMself-and I KNOW I'm not insignificant to him. Because I have faith in him. But...just to say 'hi' on the phone. Or send me a picture or get a webcam or any fucking thing whatsoever. I do not understand. At all. I especially do not understand at this point; I especially do not understand last night. I HATE feeling like this! I'm...I don't even KNOW! I'm almost angry. Except not, not really. Dammit, I'm so confused. I'm lost without him. And whenever he needs me, in whatever way, I'm there for him. Always. I LIKE being there for him, I will ALWAYS be there for him. I love him. I love him SO much! I'm like a giddy teenager around him. I even-yes, embarrassingly enough-sign my name as Mrs My Love. I've got pages of it-with little hearts and initials and all sorts of incredibly sappy stuff. I only need him to be REAL. In only a small way. A voice on the other end of the line. I spent all but the rest of my cash to get a phone card to call him-and he didn't say a word. When will he be real? I NEED him. And I'm just...I can't help but wonder if he just doesn't care. Especially with Stormy and all her crazy shit in my head all the time. Maybe I should just stop talking to her. I still haven't told her my secret. Mostly because she'd reach through the phone and kill me, but still. I don't understand. I don't, and I'm sorry for that, but I still just don't. And I feel guilty for even wanting to be irritable about it, because I love so intensely. Dammit, all this shit is running around in my head and I haven't slept and I've got a headache and I'm sore...fucking fractures, stupid doctors, damned contemptible life. Fucking, stupid, damned contemptible me.
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