I'm actually kind of looking forward to living on my own. For the first time in my life. Yes, it's scary, but I think my little antichrist and I need it. The only thing is...well, I don't want to get TRAPPED in it. I don't want to be the thirty/forty year old waitress, barely making ends meet, doing nothing but barely supporting myself and my child. I'm SO much smarter than that! So much BETTER! I could do ANYTHING, and instead I'm doing menial labour that doesn't MEAN anything. Or, rather, I will be. I just...to see my life stretching before me like that and ending without me having DONE anything...but it's not like I even know what I want to do. Yeah, it would be great learning and translating languages for a living. But...there's always a 'but' with me. I don't WANT to be the poor, trashy, single mother, living in poverty. It's not the lifestyle I was born into, it's not the lifestyle I can handle. It's just that it takes so MUCH to be anything, to DO anything. I WANT to do this with the languages, I even think I CAN. I LIKE languages. But it's my same fear. The same fear that makes me never do anything. My fear that if I try, I'll fail. Even though I KNOW it can happen, that I can do it, what if I can't and I just end up disappointing myself-and everyone else? I live in the perpetual 'what if'. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to get over that.
Laters