Oh, I don't even know WHAT to say! I have an appointment for a tattoo tomorrow-but tonight my love and I got into a HUGE fight. It wasn't even a fight, really, just I said the wrong thing the wrong way and fucked everything up. I'm GREAT at fucking everything up. So I begged for forgiveness, because I really didn't MEAN it the way he took it. I think we both overreacted. Then he talked to Slate, and it seemed to help him somehow. Even though Slate was more than a little mean. Though, to be honest, I thought it might have come to blows in the middle of their converment-they were TOTALLY attacking each other. Both on my behalf, though.
Anyway, I screwed everything up and he no longer believes that I love him. AND he will probably never trust me again. Why is it that I can define what I want and then do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting it? I really AM horrible. And I hurt him! I HURT my love! The only man I love, the only one I've ever loved, the only one I ever will. *I* hurt him. I will never forgive myself.
I'm so fucking awful. I wish my spine would just break and kill me. Or that I'd get hit by a bus. Or accidentally fall off my ten story building. Or in some way that's heinous and painful that I'd just die. It would be SO much better for EVERYONE I care for. I would suffer the way I'm supposed to and I'd be dead. A plus from every angle.
*sigh*
Laters