Oh, man! First off, I am a totally horrible person. I wrote an amusing/raunchy entry in GreyMatter's guestbook-and his chic checked out the link to here and figured out who GreyMatter was and got all pissy and confronted him. He said that she seemed okay, just that he should have told her. Which, as I recall someone ELSE might have mentioned-someone maybe a lot like me. Anyway, it forces him to choose which girl, and he's choosing the one who read me here. Which is the obvious choice, since everything he's EVER said about the other girl-even from the beginning-has been 'just friends' type of material. And everything he's said about the first girl has pretty much been ranting and raving and 'girlfriend' material. But I just talked to GreyMatter and he's not super pissed at me anymore. Thankfully. I've been feeling super guilty since last night when he told me what happened. Hopefully everything will work out for him, though.
As for me, I'm just having a FABULOUS few days! Today is Girl's Day, so Amethyst and I went to the zoo. Well, back up-first, I woke up an hour before my alarm went off, which means I got about three hours of sleep. So I decided that instead of going back to sleep, we'd go out to breakfast. And it was yummy and good. Then grocery shopping and THEN the zoo. And at the zoo we ran into this other single mother and her son-who's only a few months younger than Amethyst. And we spent the afternoon with them. She's really kewl, nice, friendly, and just as into this whole single mother thing as I am. So we got each other's phone numbers and are planning play dates for the kids-who got along SUPER well, they were holding hands the WHOLE way through. Play dates meaning we'll find some sheltered and secure area for them to play and we'll ignore them and chat with each other. It's just amazing to me to have actually met and gotten along with a complete stranger. Usually I'm so socially inept. But kids are great at bringing people together. The universal magnet or something. I'm just thrilled to have made a friend. An actual FEMALE friend. I bet my love will be relieved. He just HATES it when I go out with guys-and ALL of my friends here just happen to BE guys. Until now. WooHoo!
Everything the past few days has just been going my way. Amethyst has been behaving BEAUTIFULLY, I've been going out, I've gotten to shop-actually shop!-I've been able to hang out with friends, and even make new ones. And I'm in love. That's the most important and best thing of all. I am completely in love.
I got to talk to my love first thing in the morning-well, first thing for him, I was already halfway through my day (after I put the groceries away before we went to the zoo). Which I think is just a great way to start out the day-talking to the one you love. Of course, an even BETTER way would be waking up next to that person, but we'll get there. He and I have both been...well, physically craving each other. And he keeps saying that he doesn't have much self control. Which on the one hand sucks-but on the other hand, I have a tool for breaking down his resistance, to the point where his self control just *snaps*. And at that point I hope he hops on a plane instead of on another girl. Even though I claim to understand, I SO would not. Well, understand, yes. Even forgive-because that's my nature and because that's what you do for those you love. But I would ALSO be totally heartbroken. And he would, too, if I did that with anyone else. Which is why I spent as much as I did on toys. HE just has to go buy a cheap bottle of lotion. Not even that, really.
Oh, and I got this prism for my car, to kind of remind me of my love. Because we're both so into colours. And this morning, driving around, it was shining its tiny colours all over me-like I was practically bathing in this pure, broken light. And everywhere the light touched me it was like feeling his fingers or his lips there. I was so happy, I laughed out loud. Amethyst thought I was crazy, but it was just...a phenomenal experience.
Anyway, I think things are finally okay. Better than okay. I'm not as codependent as usual-things that would normally terrify me I find myself doing on like a regular basis now. I'm finding ways to take CONTROL of my life, make it MINE, instead of doing everything always for everyone else. I'm learning patience-a trait I have been MORE than lacking. In fact, I'm a sort of anti-patient person. It's been said that if patience were the only virtue, I'd be going straight to hell. I'm also exercising more-even just walking around a zoo for hours. I'm eating healthier and more regularly. I'm losing weight; I'm dressing cutely. Until I started writing this, I've just been revelling in the new me. Now, looking at all the things that are going right, I find myself wondering when catastrophe is going to strike. I don't GET this lucky. Good things don't HAPPEN to me. I want to believe that that's changing, that my live is finally going to stop being about suffering and start being about joy. I want to believe I've suffered enough and I deserve some happiness. But I don't. I don't believe it's changing; I don't believe I deserve happiness. If I believe anything, I believe the divine or cosmic forces or fate are completely fucking with me-letting me almost TASTE what I want, what I've never been able to have, and then jerking it back from me just before I actually attain it. I'm just waiting for that pull. Any moment now...
Laters
As for me, I'm just having a FABULOUS few days! Today is Girl's Day, so Amethyst and I went to the zoo. Well, back up-first, I woke up an hour before my alarm went off, which means I got about three hours of sleep. So I decided that instead of going back to sleep, we'd go out to breakfast. And it was yummy and good. Then grocery shopping and THEN the zoo. And at the zoo we ran into this other single mother and her son-who's only a few months younger than Amethyst. And we spent the afternoon with them. She's really kewl, nice, friendly, and just as into this whole single mother thing as I am. So we got each other's phone numbers and are planning play dates for the kids-who got along SUPER well, they were holding hands the WHOLE way through. Play dates meaning we'll find some sheltered and secure area for them to play and we'll ignore them and chat with each other. It's just amazing to me to have actually met and gotten along with a complete stranger. Usually I'm so socially inept. But kids are great at bringing people together. The universal magnet or something. I'm just thrilled to have made a friend. An actual FEMALE friend. I bet my love will be relieved. He just HATES it when I go out with guys-and ALL of my friends here just happen to BE guys. Until now. WooHoo!
Everything the past few days has just been going my way. Amethyst has been behaving BEAUTIFULLY, I've been going out, I've gotten to shop-actually shop!-I've been able to hang out with friends, and even make new ones. And I'm in love. That's the most important and best thing of all. I am completely in love.
I got to talk to my love first thing in the morning-well, first thing for him, I was already halfway through my day (after I put the groceries away before we went to the zoo). Which I think is just a great way to start out the day-talking to the one you love. Of course, an even BETTER way would be waking up next to that person, but we'll get there. He and I have both been...well, physically craving each other. And he keeps saying that he doesn't have much self control. Which on the one hand sucks-but on the other hand, I have a tool for breaking down his resistance, to the point where his self control just *snaps*. And at that point I hope he hops on a plane instead of on another girl. Even though I claim to understand, I SO would not. Well, understand, yes. Even forgive-because that's my nature and because that's what you do for those you love. But I would ALSO be totally heartbroken. And he would, too, if I did that with anyone else. Which is why I spent as much as I did on toys. HE just has to go buy a cheap bottle of lotion. Not even that, really.
Oh, and I got this prism for my car, to kind of remind me of my love. Because we're both so into colours. And this morning, driving around, it was shining its tiny colours all over me-like I was practically bathing in this pure, broken light. And everywhere the light touched me it was like feeling his fingers or his lips there. I was so happy, I laughed out loud. Amethyst thought I was crazy, but it was just...a phenomenal experience.
Anyway, I think things are finally okay. Better than okay. I'm not as codependent as usual-things that would normally terrify me I find myself doing on like a regular basis now. I'm finding ways to take CONTROL of my life, make it MINE, instead of doing everything always for everyone else. I'm learning patience-a trait I have been MORE than lacking. In fact, I'm a sort of anti-patient person. It's been said that if patience were the only virtue, I'd be going straight to hell. I'm also exercising more-even just walking around a zoo for hours. I'm eating healthier and more regularly. I'm losing weight; I'm dressing cutely. Until I started writing this, I've just been revelling in the new me. Now, looking at all the things that are going right, I find myself wondering when catastrophe is going to strike. I don't GET this lucky. Good things don't HAPPEN to me. I want to believe that that's changing, that my live is finally going to stop being about suffering and start being about joy. I want to believe I've suffered enough and I deserve some happiness. But I don't. I don't believe it's changing; I don't believe I deserve happiness. If I believe anything, I believe the divine or cosmic forces or fate are completely fucking with me-letting me almost TASTE what I want, what I've never been able to have, and then jerking it back from me just before I actually attain it. I'm just waiting for that pull. Any moment now...
Laters
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