Don't Think I Don't Know Who You Are
Get online just to check my email, where the comments from here get sent. And I see it, "unforgiven1". It's not as if I didn't suspect it, not as if I was completely oblivious. But I've been living my life, he's been living his. He's been living his with someone else, even, almost since the moment I left. So why now?
Ya know, it took me over three years from the time Ruby and I split up to become involved in another serious relationship. Three years. When Ruby was pretty much constantly with someone else. And is now married. And Raven's been with his chic the same way, since maybe a month after he threw me away. While I've had nothing but fuck buddies. *sigh* "I'll love you forever" doesn't really mean so much anymore. Not to me, at any rate. But sometimes I think he does. Love me, I mean. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me, if he thinks about me. If, even though she's a better sub, more compatible religiously/spiritually/whatever, even though she seems perfect for him...if maybe he loves ME anyway. Maybe loves me more? Over and over I tell myself I'm over him. Over and over I believe it. Over and over and over and over...and then I wonder if I lie.
I have a job, now. I'm moving into my apartment sometime in September (theoretically...). Amethyst is in Tae Kwon Do for the summer, and I'm going to keep her in it when school starts. My sister's baby is beautiful and I adore him, my little AJ. I have my own car, insurance, gas card. So with all that going in my favour, why in the FUCK am I even THINKING about him? Every paycheck is gone as soon as I get it for bills and to pay off the debt he helped me incur in that other state. A constant reminder that things used to be shit.
And now he pops up again, out of nowhere. NOW. When I'm about to have a lovely one night stand with my internet crush and the guy I'm fucking HERE is amazing, even if he's got a girlfriend.
Speaking of guys and fucking, I haven't been with Denim since I met this new guy, and tonight I went and got my shit back from him and "broke up" with him. He was irritable about it, but fuckin' A, I don't have the energy for two at once. And Denim's just not as good, ya know? So what if it's just sex, just fucking?
And then...
I remember him. When he used to be Him, when he used to me mine. Or I his. WAS it just the sex that kept me so long? That's what I tell myself.
Does any of this matter? He's there, and I'm here. He's with his new slave. I'm with...Amethyst. Who is sick tonight. Vomiting all over everything, shitting in her pants, and generally being miserably ill. Poor baby. So I've got her in bed with me, on the side away from the wall, with a trash can right next to her so she can throw up whenever she needs to. But she keeps snuggling close to me, needing the comfort, the closeness. I'm the mommy, after all. I hope she doesn't puke on me. Because I've already cleaned her up twice and her other bed up and clothes and do you KNOW how much vomit and shit can come out of such a little body? And how absolutely disgusting it is to clean up? It's a miracle I haven't started puking my guts out yet. Hopefully this'll get out of her system and she'll feel all better by morning. Because if she doesn't, there'll be TWO people's yucky messes to clean up.
Laters
Get online just to check my email, where the comments from here get sent. And I see it, "unforgiven1". It's not as if I didn't suspect it, not as if I was completely oblivious. But I've been living my life, he's been living his. He's been living his with someone else, even, almost since the moment I left. So why now?
Ya know, it took me over three years from the time Ruby and I split up to become involved in another serious relationship. Three years. When Ruby was pretty much constantly with someone else. And is now married. And Raven's been with his chic the same way, since maybe a month after he threw me away. While I've had nothing but fuck buddies. *sigh* "I'll love you forever" doesn't really mean so much anymore. Not to me, at any rate. But sometimes I think he does. Love me, I mean. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me, if he thinks about me. If, even though she's a better sub, more compatible religiously/spiritually/whatever, even though she seems perfect for him...if maybe he loves ME anyway. Maybe loves me more? Over and over I tell myself I'm over him. Over and over I believe it. Over and over and over and over...and then I wonder if I lie.
I have a job, now. I'm moving into my apartment sometime in September (theoretically...). Amethyst is in Tae Kwon Do for the summer, and I'm going to keep her in it when school starts. My sister's baby is beautiful and I adore him, my little AJ. I have my own car, insurance, gas card. So with all that going in my favour, why in the FUCK am I even THINKING about him? Every paycheck is gone as soon as I get it for bills and to pay off the debt he helped me incur in that other state. A constant reminder that things used to be shit.
And now he pops up again, out of nowhere. NOW. When I'm about to have a lovely one night stand with my internet crush and the guy I'm fucking HERE is amazing, even if he's got a girlfriend.
Speaking of guys and fucking, I haven't been with Denim since I met this new guy, and tonight I went and got my shit back from him and "broke up" with him. He was irritable about it, but fuckin' A, I don't have the energy for two at once. And Denim's just not as good, ya know? So what if it's just sex, just fucking?
And then...
I remember him. When he used to be Him, when he used to me mine. Or I his. WAS it just the sex that kept me so long? That's what I tell myself.
Does any of this matter? He's there, and I'm here. He's with his new slave. I'm with...Amethyst. Who is sick tonight. Vomiting all over everything, shitting in her pants, and generally being miserably ill. Poor baby. So I've got her in bed with me, on the side away from the wall, with a trash can right next to her so she can throw up whenever she needs to. But she keeps snuggling close to me, needing the comfort, the closeness. I'm the mommy, after all. I hope she doesn't puke on me. Because I've already cleaned her up twice and her other bed up and clothes and do you KNOW how much vomit and shit can come out of such a little body? And how absolutely disgusting it is to clean up? It's a miracle I haven't started puking my guts out yet. Hopefully this'll get out of her system and she'll feel all better by morning. Because if she doesn't, there'll be TWO people's yucky messes to clean up.
Laters
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