Dammit, I don't know why I'm awake. I shouldn't be. I drank too much last night, that's for sure. Hmmm...Maybe I'm possessed. Hey, it's as good a reason as any.
What's going on in my head at this ungodly hour? Lots of things, actually.
Thinking about FireOpal-of course. Thinking also about this other guy, the one who met me online, the one who wanted me to be his slave. He fell for me. I was cruel. It wasn't that I didn't like him. I did. I REALLY did, and that was the problem. He was my Plan B. And he didn't mind that at all, he knew how much I felt for FireOpal. Only...well, *I* mind. I shouldn't HAVE a Plan B. I shouldn't need one. I should plan on spending the rest of my life with FireOpal. Except with FireOpal, it's "the rest of your life might actually start at some point during the span of your life." He STILL can't even talk to me. And with the other guy, it was...more immediate. HE called me; HE talked to me. He paid attention to me, the attention I need. And he saw something in me that he'd been looking for for a LONG time. I feel guilty for leading him on. But goddammit! I WOULD have been with him, I would have willingly submitted myself to him. It was more than curiousity, it was...something. I was drawn to him, in my way. But I have to appease FireOpal. Fucking A. MY choice would have been not to choose. MY choice would have been to wait for my birthday and see who showed up. I STILL want to do that. I can't wait around forever for FireOpal. And after my birthday, it'll BE that long. I'll be so hurt and lost then. I've never dreaded a birthday before, I shouldn't now. I'm only turning twenty four. And at that point...I'll want to lose myself. Into bondage, into motherhood, into this guy. SPECIFICALLY him, not just anything, not just whatever happens along. Goddammit, I still want my Plan B. And so fucking WHAT if that's wrong? I've been hurt and used and abused FAR too many times to just sit back and be FireOpal's fucking throw rug. Don't I deserve better?
But on the other hand, I DO love him. What do I deserve? And why do I deserve it? What makes ME so fucking worth it? God, this is so confusing. I wish these thoughts in my head would just cease and desist. I wish I could just do whatever it is I feel like doing and to hell with the consequences. Fucking society. Fucking love. Fucking christ.
And speaking of fucking christ, I REALLY want the 'jackhammer Jesus'-the crucifix with the end shaped like a dildo. I'd use it, too. Hey, the mother of the antichrist has got to have SOME sort of sacriligious, blasphemous crap around the house. Even if it IS just because of my twisted sense of humour.
Oh, *sigh*. It's too early for this shit.
Laters
What's going on in my head at this ungodly hour? Lots of things, actually.
Thinking about FireOpal-of course. Thinking also about this other guy, the one who met me online, the one who wanted me to be his slave. He fell for me. I was cruel. It wasn't that I didn't like him. I did. I REALLY did, and that was the problem. He was my Plan B. And he didn't mind that at all, he knew how much I felt for FireOpal. Only...well, *I* mind. I shouldn't HAVE a Plan B. I shouldn't need one. I should plan on spending the rest of my life with FireOpal. Except with FireOpal, it's "the rest of your life might actually start at some point during the span of your life." He STILL can't even talk to me. And with the other guy, it was...more immediate. HE called me; HE talked to me. He paid attention to me, the attention I need. And he saw something in me that he'd been looking for for a LONG time. I feel guilty for leading him on. But goddammit! I WOULD have been with him, I would have willingly submitted myself to him. It was more than curiousity, it was...something. I was drawn to him, in my way. But I have to appease FireOpal. Fucking A. MY choice would have been not to choose. MY choice would have been to wait for my birthday and see who showed up. I STILL want to do that. I can't wait around forever for FireOpal. And after my birthday, it'll BE that long. I'll be so hurt and lost then. I've never dreaded a birthday before, I shouldn't now. I'm only turning twenty four. And at that point...I'll want to lose myself. Into bondage, into motherhood, into this guy. SPECIFICALLY him, not just anything, not just whatever happens along. Goddammit, I still want my Plan B. And so fucking WHAT if that's wrong? I've been hurt and used and abused FAR too many times to just sit back and be FireOpal's fucking throw rug. Don't I deserve better?
But on the other hand, I DO love him. What do I deserve? And why do I deserve it? What makes ME so fucking worth it? God, this is so confusing. I wish these thoughts in my head would just cease and desist. I wish I could just do whatever it is I feel like doing and to hell with the consequences. Fucking society. Fucking love. Fucking christ.
And speaking of fucking christ, I REALLY want the 'jackhammer Jesus'-the crucifix with the end shaped like a dildo. I'd use it, too. Hey, the mother of the antichrist has got to have SOME sort of sacriligious, blasphemous crap around the house. Even if it IS just because of my twisted sense of humour.
Oh, *sigh*. It's too early for this shit.
Laters
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