I can't sleep. I keep thinking about...everything. Mostly him. Does he read this? Is he even out? Goddammit, I didn't even get a farewell. Just an overheard "I'm not coming back until she's gone." And the last thing I said to him was "I'll be gone by tomorrow." And I was. And here I am.
Fuck it, everything's making me cry. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be with him. Aren't I? Wasn't I?
And Amethyst...she loves him. She doesn't ask me about him too often; she knows it hurts me to talk about it. She'll start to say something about "daddy" and then just back off. Riding out of town, she asked "Why are there only two seats; where's daddy gonna sit?" What could I say? "Daddy and I had a fight, and he's not coming with us." Her reply: "Are we ever going to see him again?" Fuck it, I don't know. I don't even know if I want to. I don't if he doesn't love me anymore. I do, though. Really, even then I do. God.
My brothers are shits. Fucking losers, really. Older just got a crap job at a gas station. Younger works at a restaurant. Both have been living with my parents and paying no rent for years. And as soon as I get here, I'm expected to do all the chores and pay rent. What if I don't fucking want to? Or rather, if *I* have to, why don't THEY? I'm not even fully CAPABLE of helping, not with my back the way it is. But they're both healthy, young. Fuck them. Goddamned losers.
I need sleep. I need...pain. Yes, pain. To be hurt, beat, cut, tied. Why am I like this? Why doesn't he love me? Why DID he love me, and how did he lose it? I want to call him, hear his voice. Maybe just hang up, maybe...I don't know. Cry? That's what I'd end up doing.
Stormy was right. I'll live the rest of my life with a man-just the man will keep changing. Probably worded better than my sleep deprived mind can remember.
I can't DO this anymore. Love just to lose. But I can't NOT love. Maybe I do need to check myself into a psych ward, as my mother suggests.
"I'd rather have never loved, than loved and lost. Feeling like this isn't worth it."
Laters
Fuck it, everything's making me cry. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be with him. Aren't I? Wasn't I?
And Amethyst...she loves him. She doesn't ask me about him too often; she knows it hurts me to talk about it. She'll start to say something about "daddy" and then just back off. Riding out of town, she asked "Why are there only two seats; where's daddy gonna sit?" What could I say? "Daddy and I had a fight, and he's not coming with us." Her reply: "Are we ever going to see him again?" Fuck it, I don't know. I don't even know if I want to. I don't if he doesn't love me anymore. I do, though. Really, even then I do. God.
My brothers are shits. Fucking losers, really. Older just got a crap job at a gas station. Younger works at a restaurant. Both have been living with my parents and paying no rent for years. And as soon as I get here, I'm expected to do all the chores and pay rent. What if I don't fucking want to? Or rather, if *I* have to, why don't THEY? I'm not even fully CAPABLE of helping, not with my back the way it is. But they're both healthy, young. Fuck them. Goddamned losers.
I need sleep. I need...pain. Yes, pain. To be hurt, beat, cut, tied. Why am I like this? Why doesn't he love me? Why DID he love me, and how did he lose it? I want to call him, hear his voice. Maybe just hang up, maybe...I don't know. Cry? That's what I'd end up doing.
Stormy was right. I'll live the rest of my life with a man-just the man will keep changing. Probably worded better than my sleep deprived mind can remember.
I can't DO this anymore. Love just to lose. But I can't NOT love. Maybe I do need to check myself into a psych ward, as my mother suggests.
"I'd rather have never loved, than loved and lost. Feeling like this isn't worth it."
Laters
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