Hast du mich verlassen?

I need attention, and I feel like everyone's abandoned me. I'm depressed and there's no one I can talk to who would understand.

I need your arms around me
I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding
I need your love, so much

Why am I not sleeping?
Laters

?

It's entirely possible that the previous was entirely TOO malicious. Ya think?
Laters

Thursday, 24 July 2003

A letter I received on that day:

"names that can not be spoken

Crow came and talked to me right after he got off work today and said that if you were to ask about the unmentionable name I was to try to ignore you. Then he told me that he had told you the story and that you had said something about it not being fair that you had told him your real name but he wouldn’t tell you her name. I can see your point kind of and if you had emailed me and ask I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. I think though that if you are going to know the story and you are going to be around him then you should know the name. He still wakes up some nights in a cold sweat from dreams about her and though I haven’t known of him calling her name in a long time it may still happen and you need to understand if it does. if he ever does call her name the best thing you can do is pretend that it didn’t happen. Her name was Susan Keller. DO NOT tell crow that I told you EVER. In fact it would be best if he didn’t know that you know. I don’t know why he is so dead set on you but he is and he is more twisted over you than I have seen him over any female in a long time. He has never told any other female about her and has even told them to leave if they ask him who’s name he called in the middle of the night. Remember that if Crow is your friend then he will always be your friend in any way you need him to be so take care of him there will never be another like him."

Virgo's Virginity

Mine was taken some time in August of 1997. I don't remember the date, just that it was barely a week or month until my eighteenth birthday. I'd wanted to wait until that birthday, but I was still seventeen when I gave mine away. I took his, too. We called him 'Lurch', my sisters and I. Lurch because of his clumsiness, his looks, his willingness to be with me? I do not remember the whys, but Lurch he was and Lurch he has remained.
What do I remember of that day? Not much. The first clumsy attempt failed, but Lurch didn't realize it, and I didn't point it out. The next day was still clumsy but at least a vaguely successful attempt. I didn't bleed. I remember that. The rest is mostly a blur.
A year later I met Ruby. I was already pregnant. Irony, no? Not even a year of screwing and I get myself pregnant. Even more ironic was that my mother and doctor had wanted me to be on birth control to regulate my menstral cycle since I was fifteen. Foolish of me to decline... Anyway, Ruby. We met on the first of September, 1998. Four days before my birthday. "Officially" started dating on the eighth-and what makes it "official" other than a word or a question? I took his virginity on the fifteenth. I was already in love with him, and I remember the desperation to make him mine. You never forget your first. Almost three years later he was gone. Seven years later and here I sit, remembering September fifteenth, 1998. I remember so much about that night. Stupid little details. Stupid little me.
The only other person who I know has given me his virginity is Olive. Which surprised me, given the other two virgins I'd been with and their awkward and uncomfortable fumblings. Olive was neither of those things. In fact, I have to say he's definitely one of my top five, at least where sex is concerned.
Maybe I'm thinking too much about sex. Maybe because I'm not having any? Well, I could be, Denim wants to take back up again now that Olive is out of the picture. He has all sorts of crazy ideas, too. Some of which sound interesting. Some of which just don't. *shrug* We'll see. Right now I don't have the time for it, much less the energy. Too much working, not enough playing. Maybe I'll play next week, while I'm on vacation. The third through the eleventh off...yes, that's going to be NICE.
Laters

Little Deaths

It happened the first time at birth. Another came with her first tear. And though no one can explain it, there was one with her first smile, too. Many years passed, many, many years. Years in which she laughed and cried, played, fell, learned, and, in general, grew. How many times during those years? She doesn't remember, or if there were any at all. Even they were many years ago.
Now she sits alone, remembering a phone call. Could that have been the start of them after all those years? She thinks so. And from that point to this there were so many, so SO many she can't remember them all.
Ironic, isn't it? For so many years there were so few she can't remember any. And then there were so many she can't remember them all. Irony, no? Or just shit for coincidence?

My hair's red again.
Laters

Mirror

It's no surprise to anyone-least of all me-that I'm single. I don't LIKE the state of affairs, but I'm not in any way shocked by it. What IS surprising is the fact that I've ever been in a relationship at all. And much more shocking that I managed, somehow, to get pregnant.
At that point in time I was so young. How can an eighteen-year-old be that young? I look back at that girl and I just want to smack her upside the head with a two-by-four. But I don't think it would have done any good. And even if it had, where would I be now? Foolish question, really. Because the only answer is "somewhere else", and no answer could possibly matter. Life doesn't give do-overs. If it did...
Anyway, that was a total side trip. Where I was going with this was somewhere completely else, so I'll get back on that road.
Maybe it's not so amazing that I got myself impregnated at such a young age. I was, as Stormy loves to put it, a whore. What else could be expected? I was raised Mormon in a household with little to no discipline where anything related to human (or, hell, even animal) sexuality was incredibly taboo. No wonder I discovered sex and immediately became addicted. The funny thing is, I was "sweet sixteen and never been kissed". I was so naive.
And now, look where I am. Ten months out of a totally shite relationship-my second ever real relationship, just so you know-working hard, living with my parents, and a (technically) single mother. By no means am I making the big bucks, but I can pay my bills, keep Amethyst in an excellent after school program, and even have a little to spare for little things like movies and books and time with friends. And, of course, spoiling Amethyst rotten.
Oh! Speaking of Amethyst, she got her second stripe at Tae Kwon Do! Oh, I'm SO proud of her! She's doing so well, and completely enjoying herself. I'm thrilled that it teaches her discipline and responsibility, which I'm also trying to instill in her. She's already got the respect thing down-mostly. She doesn't cuss around my parents or in school, she asks permission for almost everything and actually takes "no" as an answer. She'll usually ask "why", but I encourage that-I don't want her to be a blind faith/useless automaton. Of course, there always comes that time when a parent just doesn't have an answer. But I've never ever said, "Because I said so." Instead I say, "Because I'm a mean and horrible, evil mother and all I want to do is make you suffer." She doesn't believe a word of it.
I had a lot more to this post, mostly about how pissed off I am that my father went and bought her a reward/toy for getting her second stripe in Tae Kwon Do, but it got lost when I was trying to publish. So this is all you get. And maybe some pictures after I get a little work done.
Laters

Cacophony

Judging by the insanity of the last weeks, my vacation is going to be the most relaxing, lazy time of my entire life. I'm working twelve, fourteen hours a day. I'm STILL trying to get home before Amethyst goes to bed so I can tuck her in. And I think my medicine is ceasing to work at all, not that it was all that great to begin with.
Anyway, I did get a mini-break last night. Went to see Bowling for Soup downtown. And had a blast. I'll post some of the pictures I got at some point in the near future when my phone's not about to die.
Laters

Très Amusant

I was listening to Bob and Tom on the radio on the way into work this morning. It just HAPPENS to be one of Raven's favourite programs. Why am I amused? And why am I thinking about Raven? Because of this quote:
"The most loser bird in all of nature has to be the Crow."

I think I turned purple laughing...
Laters

Green Is Her Favourite Colour

Amethyst had her fifth first day of school today. And she's only in the first grade. But she went to ECE (the pre-K program in Louisiana) at Southern Hills Elementary, then Kindergarten for two weeks at the same school until we moved to Oklahoma where she went to Valiant Elementary for a month until we moved to Tennessee where she finished out Kindergarten at Tom Joy Elementary. I think that covers all of her previous schools, right? Just thought I'd put that up there because I couldn't find the picture that had the name of the school on it. Now, with all that information I'm sure I can be found, IF you want to go to all the trouble and all the research necessary to find me. You're welcome to try, though. If for no other reason than to amuse me with the effort. *grin*
Anyway, now she's in a new school, the one she's actually zoned for, and she was a little nervous walking in today. Until another little girl came up and asked to help with the puzzle she was working on. Then she forgot I was there and I was able to sneak out without her being upset. However, the first pictures I took are of her pouting and pretending to be miserable. Then I got a couple of her and her new little friend. So it all works out.
Oh, and I just ordered this dress for her christmas pictures. Adorable, no?
Laters

Stealth

The silence reaches across the distance to echo in my ears. It is a profound silence, deep and disturbing in its purity. Months go by with the silence still unbroken until, one day, a distant murmur. The words have far to go, across this desert, and they do not echo like the silence. I have to strain to hear them. And even then, the message is garbled, indistinct. I cannot interpret the surface of these words, much less the meaning behind them. Thus all I am left with is the memory of sound and this reverberating silence.

Then there's the shadow, His shadow, and it covers me in night, trying to own me, trying to tie me down and keep me. And it seems that no matter how fast or far I run, searching for the sun, the shadow keeps finding me, suffocating me. The shadow is warm and familiar, but I can see patches of the sun shining through and around it. And even when I'm in the sunlight, the shadow is there, lurking, waiting for a moment to wrap me in itself again. And sometimes...sometimes I think, "The sun is blinding, and I've always preferred the night."
Laters

Muggles

Have you ever had that feeling that you're the only one who sees the world around you? The only one with a foot in reality, noticing things as they ARE, not how others WISH they could be?
Have you ever wondered if this life is just a test, and what, exactly, are you being tested on? Have you ever wanted to make the criteria for the rest of the planet?

I was a very intense child. I always got along better with teachers and other adults than I ever did with my 'peers'. I laugh, sometimes, at that word. 'Peers'. Who, in this life, has EVER been my 'peer'? When I was a child, I had the intelligence of an adult without the experience. And some of the insight while retaining the naivete of my youth. Of course, since then I've had plenty of experience and slaughtered my naivete. And STILL there's no one who can truly be called MY 'peer'.
Whoever said "still waters run deep"? Does that mean ONLY still waters do? Because these waters are rough and swift, raging. But below the surface lies a depth the term 'abyss' would be intimidated by.
And the monster lurks, and the monster spies, and the monster seeths beneath the surface of dreams. The monster waits. The monster is hungry.
...he feeds on my pain.
Laters

Of the million photos I took this weekend, this one is probably my favourite:

I just love my babies!
Laters

Road Trip

My nephew is five months old and my daughter has seen him more than I have. She's been down there all week! And I've never had the two of them together; when I'm there, she's not and when she's there, I'm not. But I'm going tonight and I finally get to see the two of them together! Yay! I've been MISSING my baby this week, and, of course, it KILLS me that my sister and nephew are so far away. But I get nearly three days with them this weekend and about a week in the beginning of September. Ah, the good life.
And the GREAT thing is, I get paid even while I'm not working. I rock SO much!
Laters

First Trip to the Sex Club

Friday after work I went out to dinner with my friends. Olive joined us. It was going pleasantly until Magenta threw a fit and I, of course, had to go placate her. My food had been sitting at the table for a while by the time I got to it. It was yummy and good, but I was frustrated by Magenta's temper tantrum. So Olive and I spent a great deal of time discussing her theatrics that evening. I dunno, I love Magenta, but sometimes she DOES get frustrating. She makes me feel like I'm her personal Burger King, making it her way right away. I can't even talk about having Ron Jeremy sign a stupid shirt without her going into hysterics. Get OVER it already. That's like not talking about airplanes because they remind her of the time she fell off a building-not related at all, except in the most vague and farfetched of senses.
This was after a day from hell at work, in which they had me on the goddamned phones all day. I hate stupid people. And there are so MANY of them around this shite country.
Anyway, then Olive and I decided to go to this sex club. Technically, a swingers club. The Social Club. Which would be SO much more interesting if decent people went. Instead of old guys, fat (and I mean FAT, like I don't know how they can walk), scary black guys, and shemales. There MIGHT have been one decent person there other than me and Olive, but if there was, he didn't talk to me. Even though I was surrounded by guys the whole time. Probably because I was the youngest person there AND my personality is so outgoing and not shy (i.e. showing my tattoos), that they took it for flirting. I get that a lot. I like the attention, but for ONCE can't someone even remotely related to DECENT hit on me?? No, probably not. *sigh*
Okay, so we're here, we're chilling, watching people (some of whom have very little or no clothing on), looking around the place. They have a bigger dungeon area and a small private one, both of which I found fascinating, of course. Around eleven thirty-ish there's this "demonstration" using the X bars and whips and such. It was probably one of the lamest things I've ever seen. They weren't even swinging the whips, just kind of twirling them around and letting them hit her. And the bitch was whimpering like a dog. *rolling my eyes* Some people suck. *I* would have loved to have played in that room, with a Dom who would actually SWING the toys, actually HURT me. And I have a high tolerance for pain...
So Olive and I went to find a private room (even though this one had a small window right beside the door) to play in. To tell the truth, sex with him has mostly been rather vanilla, not completely my flavour, at least not all the time. SOMEtimes it's okay-but that's not the point. The point is that Olive has never had trouble with either stamina or performance. So after some very awkward attempts at screwing, I asked him what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend had roped him into promising not to be with anyone else some night earlier in the week. I'm not sure exactly what was said, but it doesn't matter. He's a 'decent' guy and wanted(ish) to keep his word to her. I got FURIOUS. Not because of his girlfriend, about whom I've known the whole time, but because he and I agreed from the outset that the only thing we owed each other was honesty. And he knew what kind of club we were going to, I specifically told him when I invited him. That's the point at which he should have mentioned his new 'chastity'. Or, really, way before then, because we'd been conversing off and on all week and it was definitely something that needed to be mentioned. Cowardly piece of shit of a man. Not to mention just plain RETARDED for making that promise to a girl he's never met who barely speaks his language and is half a world away. But that's not what I was pissed about, either. And then he decided to have a conversation in which he informed me that we wouldn't have worked as a couple anyway, but it was great to have met me and have me as a friend. Thanks, asshole. Good to know I'm all tight with a psychic. Not that I wanted to date him. I MIGHT have if he hadn't had a girlfriend, but it wasn't even an issue to me. It was just sex, friends with benefits.
People are shite. Everywhere. All of them.
Laters