Jealousy has never been my thing.
I know the people who love me are totally devoted to me. It's what I demand, what I require. And I never have to say it. I expect it and it happens. Period. So I'm not jealous in my relationships with other people, ESPECIALLY not with men.
I also have a high opinion-high, NOT exaggerated-of my own intelligence. Yes, I AM fucking brilliant. Every time it's been tested, it's been more than adequately proven-above and beyond proven, to use a cliche. And everyone I've met with that or higher levels, I've been more than able to keep up with. So I'm not jealous of anyone else's intellect.
ANd my writing skills. Yes, I AM good. I know it. And hell, I love doing it. I've been at it for twenty years, and though I've always been excellent, my style-I'm sure-has matured since I was four. So I'm not jealous of anyone else in that area either.
Only now...
Now all of that is being called into question. All of it. Now I'm so consumed by jealousy I think I might go mad. And it might not be so bad if it were different people. But all of it, every aspect is focused on just one. One person who shares the heart of the man I love, the mind of the man who wants me. One person who, though years younger, far outshines me in brilliance. One person who writes with a passion I'm not capable of, twisting the words I once claimed as mine into patterns more varied and complex than I could ever hope to achieve. One person who has it all, who is everything I wish I were, everything I've ever longed to be-including beautiful. One person who can inspire in me this much agony, this deep a sense of loss. This intense an emotion-I love her. God, I think I should hate her. But she has my love, my loyalty, my compassion, my understanding, my sympathy, my trust, my respect, my admiration. And you know what the most fucked up thing about this is? SHE wants to be like ME. She admires me, looks up to me, respects me, trusts me. Holy fuck, the world doesn't make sense.
Laters

Here's the thing. I need attention. Lots and lots of attention. External validation and all that mess, I need it. I want it, too. Does nobody care? I mean, honestly. How much shit does a person have to go through to get attention? And haven't *I* gone through most of it? And if not all, I don't think I want to go through anymore. God, three times of THAT, my family dramas, and so on and so on...
God, I'm such a whiny little bitch.
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How many times am I going to whine about things not making sense?
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I don't think I'm the BEST writer. Hell, I don't even thing I'm really that GOOD. But I love it. And that, if nothing else, makes what I do readable.
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It would be nice to know why I can't just stay away. From...everything. Everyone. Damned external validation.
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Night one:
She was young and rebellious, but who isn't at that age? And she knew how her parents would hate him, even if just for the colour of his skin. She'd been warned about disease and violence but she was immune, invincible. It could never happen to her.
Except this night it did. She was drunk, so drunk she couldn't even move and it was the first time she'd been drunk like that. When she woke up the next morning, naked in the bed beside his naked form, she wasn't even sure it had happened. There was only a vague discomfort and the absence of the tampon she'd left in.
She'd known his name and he hers.
So she labled it that word. But that was okay because she never knew what had really happened.

Night two:
She wasn't as young anymore, and had learned a few things since then. But her trusting nature put her in situations that she knew were dangerous. Yet she was invincible, immune. It could never happen to her.
Except this night it did. Again, she was drunk. But she was weak anyway, so the liquor wasn't really a factor. He went and laid down in her bed and having no where else to sleep, she joined him. Not five feet from where her daughter lay sleeping. He started kissing her and she kissed back. In the midst of taking clothes off, her friend came through the room to use the bathroom, then left again to pass out in the next room. She was alone with him, alone but for the sleeping child. Kissing and touching, undressing. She told him to put on a condom and he grudgingly complied. It was obvious that he was unwilling to have that barrier between him and his pleasure. So he asked if she were on birth control. She didn't trust him, which is why she had insisted on the condom in the first place, but she foolishly told the truth-that damning 'yes'. He claimed the condom was pinching and uncomfortable so she left him, told him that was the end of it and laid down to sleep. He climbed on top of her and she thought he might be playing around. She might have laughed as she said no and tried to push him off. He didn't listen and she wasn't laughing now. He fucked her while she squirmed. Then he stopped and asked if he could fuck her ass. She said she'd never done that before and he took that as an invitation. He fucked her ass while she struggled to get away, but every time she was close he pulled her back, pushing himself further into her. It hurt like hell and she wasn't strong; she was between him and the wall. Should she scream? Or just lay there and hope it ended soon? Her daughter lay sleeping close by and the choice was made. She kept saying 'stop. please stop' and 'no' and 'it hurts'. He said he'd stop if she'd suck him off, give him a blow job, she forgets how he put it. She said 'no', and he asked why. Crying, all she could think of to say was 'because that's gross'. Finally-FINALLY-he did stop and she thought it was over. But he turned her over and began fucking her again. Talking to her like this was what she wanted, like she was a participant and not a victim he asked if he could come in her. 'No.' He did it anyway and then it WAS over. Why did he even ask? He asked her if she wanted him to go and she still doesn't know why she said 'no'. She tried to get up but he held her down, and only now was she scared. She told him she had to go to the bathroom where she went and hid until she was fairly certain he'd passed out drunk. He had and the rest of the night passed quickly; he was arrested, she was taken to the hospital.
He didn't know her name and she didn't know his, not until the police told her later.
So she labeled it that word. Bbut that was okay because she had started it.

Night three:
Just barely older and less than a year later. She knew he liked inflicting pain and she told herself she liked receiving it. So nothing would happen, nothing that she didn't consent to. She was, once again, immune, invincible. It could never happen to her.
Except this night it did. Last night it did. She was lying on the bed, admittedly naked. She didn't mind if they fucked, it was going to be goodbye. But she didn't want the pain, not this time, not the last time. He came in, fully clothed. And the air changed, it tasted different. It tasted painful. Her arms were resting under her, under the pillow she lay on. He tried to pull one back behind her, but she didn't want to be tied up-she said no. He was stronger and soon her hands were handcuffed at her back. And they were too tight. He took the rope, tying her legs so that they were bent, the line just above her knee, back behind her neck to the other knee and then around her neck almost like a collar, again too tight. And made even tighter by the weight of her legs pulling against it. She thought she could just lay there and wait it out, let him do what he wanted, and not resist. Resisting would make him hurt her worse-or so she thought because she didn't realize how badly he was intending to hurt her to begin with. Still fully clothed, he knelt behind her. She could hear his grin as he repeatedly slapped her ass, making it sting and then, as he continued to hit the same place, making it bruise. She couldn't move, and this time it wasn't because of liquor or weakness, it was because of the metal around her wrists, the twine around her legs and neck. After finally stripping, he took the cat'o'nine tails-the little whip-and lightly hit her with it while rubbing himself against her. Still from behind he began to fuck her, hitting her harder and harder with the little whip while he thrusted deeper into her. What was once tolerable-and a time ago pleasurable-now became unbearable. She began to cry, dry, heaving sobs, but no tears because the place where the tears came from stood at a remove, observing so it didn't have to participate. Hearing this, he turned her over onto her back, her hands now pinned beneath her, and she realized just how tight the handcuffs were. While he fucked her this way for a while, and whipped her and hit her, she felt her hands go numb. She was still crying, and he wanted to watch her face while she did. He put his hands around her throat, choked her, cut off her air to the point at which she couldn't even take a tiny, life saving breath. He released her as he thought she might come. She possibly almost did just for the air. He'd been talking the whole time, telling her he loved her and who knows what else, she wasn't listening. He turned her over again. And now she heard him. He asked if he could do whatever he wanted to do to her no matter how much it hurt. She wasn't in a position to decline and he'd already ignored her previous 'no'. So she told him he could. What a malicious word that 'yes' is. And he did. He used the belt on her, the solid, thick belt, the belt she'd asked him not to, begged him not to, the belt she was afraid of. She didn't even scream that loudly. He forced the belt into her mouth, telling her to bite down on it if what he was about to do hurt too much, telling her not to scream. And he found the big whip, the one she thought he couldn't use in this small room, the one he folded to be able to use, the one he folded to cause her more pain. And there was more, more than she'd ever known. He was trying to leave a mark. He succeeded. And he wanted to cause more. He fucked her ass and she shrieked. 'Just relax', as he thrust himself deeper, causing her to shriek again. And she tried to relax; she knew he wasn't going to stop quickly. She was right. He turned her on her side and put his dick in her face. She knew what he wanted her to do, and through the pain in her jaw, she did it, sucking him like she enjoyed it, wishing she had the courage to bite it off. Then, he noticed now how deep the metal was biting into her skin and he let her arms free. They fell useless at her sides, numb but throbbing. Since he'd already released her that way he took the ropes away as well. Then he finished fucking her, on top of her, in her. She was so relieved that it was almost over, so relieved to have been released that she almost came-but then he was done and she couldn't tell whether or not she was glad that she hadn't finished. 'Thank you. And I love you.' Then he fell asleep.
He called her by a nickname and she knew his real name.
So she labeled it that word. But that was okay because once, a while ago, she had told him that she liked aggression, that she wanted to be forced and he just thought he was giving her what she wanted, he didn't realize that she no longer thought it even remotely appealing. And, though deeply bruised, she would heal.

Three nights, one word. But she only called it that word to others, in her own mind the word didn't exist. She was just exaggerating, being melodramatic. Trying to get attention. She made excuses for them, told herself that she wasn't the victim, that she'd let it, on those nights, happen in her own way. And thus she remained immune, invincible.

Okay, okay. I know. Enough with the changes already. But I really LIKE the old address and I like the new one TOO so I want both. I'm still going to use this one for my regular thing, though. I like it a lot and I will not be intimidated or made to change my preferences by meddlesome interfering assholes. Let him meddle and interfere. It will not matter. Anyway, back to the original one. I'm not sure what I'll use the other one one for yet, but it'll be...SOMETHING.
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God, I love kids. I love the way I am with them and really, being around them makes me happy. I went to breakfast with Amethyst this morning and I LOVED it! All those kids. I want to be a kindergarten teacher. Is that silly? Or just a frivolous whim? I don't think so. I've been thinking about it for a while and I really think that's what I'd like to do. I LOVE languages, and I still want to learn them-all-but I want to teach and to be around kids. And when I told FireOpal about it he said that he'd had a dream a long time ago that his wife was a kindergarten teacher. It's me. It's always been me. He loves me, he's going to marry me. He really, really is.
There's a little girl over spending the night with Amethyst. She walks to school with us in the mornings and I'm sure her mother doesn't mind the break from getting up at the ass crack of dawn. Well, she might have to anyway, she's got a baby. But I love it. I love them playing together and taking care of each other and having fun. I love them not sleeping for over an hour past bedtime, keeping each other up giggling all night. I love it, and I want more. More kids. And FireOpal to give them to me.
Oh, this morning. After I left Amethyst at school. I was walking back home the way I usually do and there's this guy who's in the building across from me. I pass him every morning while he's sitting on his stairs and smoking, and I'm friendly-you know, generic "good morning, isn't the weather lovely" kinda friendly. So this morning as I'm passing him he asks to see my tattoo. The one on my arm. So I get closer and show him. Harmless enough. But I have to show off. I show him the one on my neck, finger, palm, and then the top of the one on my breast. He kinda pulls my shirt down a bit-I'm thinking to see it better-and tugs on my nipple a little. So I pull away and fix my shirt. He asks to see the tattoo again because he "wasn't really looking at it" the first time. I don't care. I show him. And all of a sudden he's leaning forward with "can I suck on that titty?" I'm like "No" and I fix my shirt. So he says "well, I've already seen it." It was the ART, dude. I was showing the ART. And I walk away. He shouts after me "maybe some day." I just laugh and continue on to my home. Where I lock the door once I'm inside-not something I usually do. I wasn't scared at all, more like amused, but really, I'm kinda oblivious. To the way people react to some things. I'm not shy about showing off my awesome tattoo, the artwork really IS gorgeous, but some people see that as "oh, it's time to suck on her 'titty' for a while." And I just don't see that people might react that way. Because *I* don't think of it that way it never occurs to me that others might. *sigh* Maybe I really am naive.
God, today was a REALLY good day. And I don't even really know why, it just...was. :D I think I'll have MORE days like this one.
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I'm SO relieved to have TALKED to Raven tonight! I've been debating with myself over and over and over again, and now I know that it was futile. I want and will get FireOpal. And Raven will be a mistake eventually forgotten. LoL!!
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*grin*
I don't want Raven. I want FireOpal. God, why have I been so fucking stupid? It was an interesting experiment. A thing to try. I don't need it. I don't want it. I want and love FireOpal. ONLY FireOpal. For always.
I'm so relieved to have realized that. Yay!
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Oh, and has anyone else noticed that I haven't introduced anyone recently? No new colours or anything like that. Because there are just too goddamned many and if I started giving them all colours I'd run right out of the rainbow-and all of Crayola's interesting variations, too.
Ah, well.
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I shouldn't have let him come last time. I shouldn't have sent that entry about him to him when it could have been over before my birthday. And I shouldn't have been alone with him for so long. Or at all. Now I want him. I want him the way he was with me last time, when I knew he loved me, when he fucked me the way I wanted, the way I almost needed. FireOpal cannot do that for me. Or won't, which amounts to the same thing. I don't need it, not yet. But just one more time...once more and I will. And then I won't want FireOpal, I'll want Raven. And my heart belongs so thouroughly to FireOpal that knowing this makes me so confused. And he-FireOpal...he knows it, too. He knows that's why I'm so intent on getting rid of Raven right now because I'm afraid that if I spend too much time with him-as in any more-I'll choose to stay with him when FireOpal shows up. I love FireOpal with all my heart. But I want Raven with all my body. Goddammit. I follow my heart. It's all I believe in. All I hope for. All I love.
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Yay!!! It works!!! So I can continue to use this template and title! WooHoo!!
No more meddlesome interfering assholes. And, by the way, no more Raven.
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Okay, now an experiment. To see if this has worked, with me changing the address so that meddlesome interfering assholes cannot meddle or interfere.
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Sun Sep 14
I'm getting what I want.
Raven to love me so I can destroy him. FireOpal to come and fulfill my romantic rescue fantasies. And a happily ever after with Atomic Tangerine, FireOpal and Amethyst.
I really MUST have super powers.
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10:29
Sun Sep 14
*scoff*
So another moron has fallen in love with me. I do not love him. I will not love him. I will use him for my own purposes and I will NOT let him change me. So let it be written. So let it be done.
Oh, and FireOpal still loves me. And I still love him. Yay!
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10:17

All righty. I've had just about enough of meddlesome, interfering assholes. So I'm starting a new page at a different address. Write me to ask for the address, and the likelihood is that I'll give it to you-if you're not a meddlesome, interfering asshole.
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I am learning how to lie. And I'm really REALLY good at it.
Must have been all those years of practice I had skating around the truth.
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He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
*sigh*
He loves me.
After I specifically told him not to.
Fucking Raven.
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So let's act like the stupid fucking moron we keep claiming not to be and rush off into a likely death. Especially since we've been spouting so much bullshit lately about NOT dying because that'll mean 'they' win. Fucking Raven. God, stupid people piss me off.
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Things were so simple then.
HA!
Things were never simple.
But let's try to break it down, shall we? Starting with childhood. I had three siblings. Have, I suppose, but since we're talking about my childhood I think past tense is appropriate. Anyway. We moved a lot. Never got a sense of home, and I have no clue as to permanence. High school rebellion, rape, early pregnancy. First love. End of first love. Depression. Marriage. Marriage equalling an end to all I thought I'd believed, all I'd held to be important. Assault. Actually, the assault was nothing new, having experienced it from my older brother during childhood, my father during high school rebellion and now my little brother right after he turned eighteen. So I pressed charges. Then betrayal. Though that, too was nothing new. Rape again. And this time I remembered it, every detail. Then love. True love. More pain. Anyone notice that there's a HUGE focus on the horror in my life? Okay, to the now. True love. Still. And...something else. Something NOT love. Something painful but pleasurable. Something real. And I chase the dream. I love the dream, I want the dream. The dream to be real, the dream I've been chasing my whole life. And HE-Raven-has been chasing a dream. And I am the fulfillment of his dream. Fuck him, why should he get HIS dream when I don't get mine? Plus...godDAMN but he pissed me off. And he KNEW better. He KNEW that I'd get pissed, he knew that I'd trusted him NOT to. And he did it anyway. And...and even if I GET my dream, what makes me so sure I'll be able to KEEP it? My sister is SO happy with her dream. No, that's wrong. My sister is happy with MY dream. And I am happy with hers. Only for both of us the discontent is multiplied a thousandfold by seeing the other live it. You know what? It IS complicated. And this doesn't make it seem any more simple.
I have happiness, though. I know I focus so much on the horror, and maybe I'm fucked up to do so. But I DO have happinesses. FireOpal who knows me so well and loves me so much. Amethyst who depends so heavily on me and is turning into such a beautiful creature at my hands. Atomic Tangerine who IS a beautiful creature, who looks up to me and makes me want to set a better example, who makes me believe in my own word and makes it possible for me to keep it. Yes, yes. Dependency on external validation. But I have such wonderful, reliable people to provide it for me.
And I'm going to post this and go before my fucking computer crashes AGAIN.
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Oh, and YAY, INTERNET!!!
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I'm going to lose her. Amethyst. She's going to grow up and away from me. And I know that's the goal, the purpose, the right thing and the true direction. I know it and yet...
Today, I walked her to school. And when it was time for her to continue on and me to go back I said, as I always do, "Give me a kiss." And she stopped, there in the middle of everything and turned her head to kiss me. Without fear of ridicule, without shame or regret. She stopped and kissed her mommy. It wasn't an "okay, if I have to, but hurry up I've got things to do and please god, don't let anybody see" kinda thing. It was a true and pure expression of love from my little girl to her mommy. How can I let her go? And how did I then turn and walk away from her instead of grabbing her to me and running as fast as I could and as far as possible away from the day when that is no longer possible?
It's difficult to breathe and I'm crying. My heart is swelling in my chest and if I didn't know that it's pretty much medically impossible, I think I'd explode. I've seen this beautiful creature grow from a baby to a toddler, from a toddler to a little girl. And from here I have to see her grow even further, from little girl to girl, from girl to young woman, from young woman into...full fledged womanhood. I have to watch this. I have to suffer through it. And every day, I have to long for the one before. The days when I could pick her up and dance with her to music only we could hear. The days when she needed me to help bathe her and took such delight in splashing around and getting me all wet. The days when she crawled up in my lap and asked "mommy, can you hold me like a baby?"; the days when she couldn't go to sleep unil I sang her our song. The days when she would slip her little hand in mine, trusting me completely, knowing in her whole heart that I would never let any harm befall her. The days when she would see me crying and put her hand onto my face to comfort me and say "mommy, it's okay". The days when she would stop in the middle of everything to kiss her mommy goodbye because she'd miss me for the few short hours she was in school. These days. Today.
I've already lost SO many yesterdays. And now I'm being forced to sacrifice the todays to the tomorrows. I curse the time that's already slipped through my fingers, that's snuck past right in front of my alert and watchful eyes. I curse the linear path that I must follow; I curse how it has made me a slave of the past, a worshipper of the present, and a devotee of the future.
And I curse how it's crept up on me until now I must set aside my musings and go pick up Amethyst from school. And hopefully, I'll be able to actually post this soon, my internet and phone line are kinda fucked up for some reason.
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Well, I probably have only about five seconds before my phone quits on me AGAIN, but I'll try to get some of it in.
Raven is a complete and utter jackass. I sincerely hope they kick his ass to hell where he belongs at that fucking meet of his today. I don't trust him anymore. And in the type of relationship he wants, trust is essential. And I will not give him the opportunity to earn it back. Easy solution to the problem-he fucked up.
I love FireOpal!!!
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Well, that's fucked up. My post about my dad's birthday yesterday turned into "O". Fuck it, it was my dad's birthday yesterday. Happy (Belated, though that's not my fault) Birthday, daddy!! God, I hope he doesn't read this, though. I mean, he's GOT the address here and everything, but DAMN! Sex and depression and love and toys and pain...and topics that NO ONE wants their father to know about. But I think that the cussing would steer him clear if nothing else. Then again, he IS a dirty old man...damn, that's a creepy, creepy thought. *shudder*
Back to a happy place...
Or at least not a creepy one...
Up and down, back and forth. He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me. He loves me.
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Oh, and something I've been meaning to post here for a while: candisecrets. I'm not even sure if it still works, I've cancelled it since then. It's just stuff I was thinking that would have had a negative impact on FireOpal and therefore didn't want him to see. But he's not reading this anymore so I can put whatever I want in here.
Anyway, I just thought I'd share.
Time to go pick up Amethyst from school.
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Oh, I've found a new website that'll take up some of my time everyday! It's called OneWord and the basic premise is that it gives you a word that you have sixty seconds to write about. And since writing IS my thing, maybe this'll give me some practice at the under pressure stuff. I like my entry today. But "home" is an easy word to write about, especially for those of us who don't have one.
*sigh* And on to the depressing shite-and WHY does there ALWAYS have to be depressing shite?
FireOpal showed up this morning. Treated me like just another acquaintence whom he just happened to love. Like it was no big deal, like I wasn't special at all. And this after he leaves yesterday with "I might just go get laid tonight." Then he refuses to tell me whether or not he did. I don't THINK he did, I don't think he COULD, but...well. He was acting so STRANGE and so OFF and so WRONG today. I know it's hypocritical, but I'm desperate for any other reason than that one. Because he can't just fuck, it's got to be intimate with him. So if he DID, then he might start thinking that...well, that I'm not special, that I'm just another acquaintence and that I can be replaced. Fucking A. I love him SO much...
A recent conversation with Raven:
raven: love is over rated and most people have no idea what it is including you
sapphire: I know what it is to me
sapphire: and that's what matters
sapphire: TO ME
sapphire: and who made you the grand fucking pumba? like YOU know
raven: candi love i do know even if i know nothing else on the face of the earth. that is not something that you really want to get into with me
sapphire: so do I
raven: no candi you dont and i truly hope that you never do
raven: there is nothing more terrible
sapphire: bullshit
sapphire: I know
raven: tell me then
sapphire: don't fucking treat me like a child
raven: tell me about the times when you try to see a female and cant
raven: because all you can see is an image frome the past that will never be again
raven: tell me about how you find your self having to call every one babe because you can only remember one name
raven: tell me about how you never know what to say because you lost track of the conversation 11 years ago
raven: tell me about it
So HIS experience was painful. HIS experience is OVER. Mine hasn't even barely begun. "Find someone like me but better," she said to him. To find someone like her for him to love. To find someone to replace her in his esteem. Or not to so that he may retain his cherished memory. And he says the only way to know is to try. But if you try and fail, you'll know it was because you couldn't succeed. And if you don't try, maybe you'll fail anyway, but at least it's not because you couldn't do it. At least then you can pretend that you COULD have done it if you'd only tried. I don't like him telling me that I don't know what love is because the man that *I* love is still alive, because I'm not looking for the same kind of bullshit dream that he is. And he thinks that I am the fulfillment of that dream. He might be right. Regardless, he is not the fulfillment of mine. FireOpal is. Raven is just another reality. And I want to chase the dream. My life was a nightmare. FireOpal is a dream, and Raven is reality. Which do I choose?
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Fine. So I can't be what ANYONE wants me to be, including myself. Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
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Goddammit. My keyboard has been out of town so I haven't been able to get online at all. It's back now, but of course while it was on vacation, several things happened and I don't know if I can get them all in here. Here's for a try, though.
Raven. Fucking A. Will NOT take 'no' for an answer. And the answer IS no. *sigh* Yes, it is. Only...I waver, ya know? Between the yes and the no. I love it, the pain, the power he has. God, this is so frustrating. He came here Saturday, stayed about twenty four hours, and we fucked SIX times during that period. To say the least, it's nice to have a man around that can keep up with me. Or at least try. And, honestly, he did an admirable job of succeeding.
FireOpal PLANNED it. He fucking TIMED having a fight with me so we wouldn't be speaking on my birthday. Which I knew when he did it, of course. He thinks I was so fucking oblivious. That's just not true. I know him. I know it was easier for him to just disappear completely at that time than to actually talk to me and have me ask him why he wasn't here. He keeps doing all these bullshit things to make it easier on himself. I don't. I don't do that. Do I?
Anyway, I don't feel like continuing.
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*growl*
Can anyone else tell that I'm freakin' bored? There's really nothing to do right now other than think of stupid shit to post in my bloggie journal thing here. Really, I'm very upset about that fucking lost post, so I'm trying to make up for it. Talk about fucked up priorities.
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It doesn't feel like my birthday. Really. It feels like...just another day. Well, a more relaxing day than usual-Amethyst is at my Auntie Grandma's. A relationship I'm not going to explain because I already did in that long post so you'll just have to blame the fucking technology that hates me for not knowing. So there.
Maybe I'll take a nap.
Probably not.
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Seriously-what WOULD Jesus do?
What, you mean AFTER rolling his eyes and wiping out the hypocritical homophobic asshole christians? Maybe go for Starbucks. Or a manicure.
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Okay, now that I've sworn a little.
I'm at Stormy's office. Doing grunt/shit work, playing around on the computer, etc. Going out to dinner later tonight. Etc, etc, etc.
It really was a VERY LONG post.
Fuck a duck.
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FUCKING A!!!!!!!!
I had a HUGE, LONG post and it fucking deleted itself because of FUCKING A!!!
This is NOT a happy birthday.
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On Raven
Ah, yes. My thoughts now after another-short-visit.
The subject of pain. There was more. I wanted more. It felt good to me, and to see in his eyes how much he enjoyed inflicting it upon me made it SO much more intense and pleasant. Even now, thinking of his half whispered/half hissed "yessss..." makes me crave it even more, makes me wish to be even more...violent. And more permanent as well. More deeply bruised, more...solidly reminded of the pain of that previous encounter. Small fantasies in my mind of having such a bruise on my arm and him grabbing it and pulling me to him to nearly force his mouth to mine, seeing me wince and draw in breath making him that much more forceful, that much more...lusty. And on the subject of force, I want that too. I WANT him to force me, to not stop when I tell him to, to MAKE me his. Fantasy rape or whatever it's called, I want it. I want him to use me. To use me as his property. Which is why I deliberately endeavoured to make him angry, why I am so eager to see him on Saturday, why I want him to hate me. Again, so much focused on what *I* want. But...he wants that, too. The control, the power. The light in his eyes when his hand is on my neck, and my newfound delight in him choking me...and my newfound delight in sodomy as well. So many things I never knew I'd try, never wanted to. And so many that I now enjoy so thouroughly after such a short period of time that I am already changed. Much changed. I cannot now even contemplate enjoying sex without it hurting. Without him teaching me something new about myself. I tell myself that I do not want what he's offering. I tell myself that I want something else. I tell myself these things and I do not know how much of them are lies and how much of them are just concealing the truth. I think about what he is and how he treats me, the respect he shows me in even the smallest of things. I think about all of these things and I cannot stand another moment without him fucking me. Fucking me as I want so desperately to be fucked, to be used, to be OWNED. And yet...even if he does fuck me, it will be goodbye. And I will be left with my own choices, willingly made, and the consequences of making them myself. *sigh*
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No more Raven. No more FireOpal.
Happy Freakin' Birthday to me.
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Fucking *A*, why can't this bullshit thing called life be simple?
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I know that nobody's going to take the time to read all of this, but this is the conversation I just had. In the space of less than an hour.

(sapphire): I love you
(sapphire): I love you
(fireopal): I am tired of this.
(sapphire): I love you
(fireopal): I love you.
(sapphire): what do you want me to say?
(fireopal): nothing
(fireopal): there's nothing to say anymore
(sapphire): are...are you leaving me?
(fireopal): I think so
(sapphire): don't
(fireopal): you don't understand
(fireopal): you make me angry
(sapphire): I'm sorry
(fireopal): you used to hurt me
(fireopal): and now I think I've run out of hurt
(fireopal): I'm running on anger now
(fireopal): what is the POINT?
(fireopal): you will never change
(fireopal): NEVER
(fireopal): and I need a little more than that
(sapphire): so do I
(fireopal): then it shouldn't be that hard to accept
(sapphire): don't
(fireopal): why not?
(sapphire): because you don't want to
(sapphire): because you love me
(fireopal): oh, you have no idea how much I want this now.
(fireopal): I won't let you hurt me again.
(sapphire): okay
(sapphire): I'll let you hurt me again
(sapphire): a million times more
(fireopal): I don't care.
(sapphire): I know
(fireopal): *sigh*
(fireopal): I love you
(sapphire): I love you back
(fireopal): don't do this
(sapphire): do what?
(fireopal): remind me how much I love you
(sapphire): I'm sorry
(fireopal): can't I be angry for once? and stay that way?
(fireopal): don't I deserve to be angry?
(sapphire): yes
(fireopal): I have to warn you
(fireopal): I'm feeling particularly vindictive
(sapphire): okay
(fireopal): why is it so hard for you?
(sapphire): I don't know
(fireopal): I will never understand that
(fireopal): and though I might have forgiven you, I haven't forgotten
(fireopal): I hate what you've done to me
(sapphire): I do too
(fireopal): you proved me right
(sapphire): I know
(fireopal): I loved you
(sapphire): and I'm just like her
(fireopal): I would have given anything for you
(fireopal): you were better
(sapphire): no
(sapphire): I wasn't
(fireopal): don't argue with me
(sapphire): sorry
(fireopal): you were better
(sapphire): past tense? loved, would have, were?
(fireopal): I love you, sweetheart.
(sapphire): I love you too
(fireopal): I will always love you.
(sapphire): but?
(fireopal): but this has to be done.
(sapphire): oh
(fireopal): don't be too angry
(sapphire): I'm not
(fireopal): is he there?
(sapphire): no
(fireopal): but he will be
(sapphire): he will be on my birthday. I think he wants to prove to me that he'll do what you won't. some bullshit macho thing
(fireopal): tell him maybe he's right
(sapphire): I don't want him to be
(fireopal): let's see how long he can put up with you. he will NEVER love you as much as I did
(sapphire): do
(sapphire): as much as you do
(fireopal): as much as I do
(fireopal): this is the end, (SAPPHIRE)
(sapphire): honey?
(fireopal): yeah?
(sapphire): I...I know you're angry, baby. you have every right to be. but...well, this makes it easier for you, doesn't it? to be angry and leave. instead of trying
(fireopal): hell yeah
(sapphire): okay
(sapphire): I'm glad, then
(fireopal): I do love you
(sapphire): I know
(sapphire): I love you too
(fireopal): do you really?
(fireopal): I don't feel it anymore
(sapphire): I really do
(sapphire): if you could see...
(sapphire): god, baby
(fireopal): see what?
(sapphire): I want to tell you
(sapphire): but you need this
(sapphire): you don't need or want me to remind you
(fireopal): fine
(sapphire): I do love you
(sapphire): I love you SO much...
(sapphire): I don't want you to hurt.
(sapphire): and if you have to be angry in order not to, then...well
(sapphire): okay then
(fireopal): I'm sorry
(sapphire): don't be
(sapphire): you've never done anything to be sorry for
(sapphire): and you know ti
(fireopal): that's because I don't do anything
(sapphire): stop
(sapphire): you do all you can
(sapphire): and you love me
(fireopal): *sigh*
(sapphire): baby...my love. if you're going, you'd better go. before I start begging you to stay
(sapphire): I love you
(fireopal): I love you
(sapphire): I need you
(sapphire): don't go
(fireopal): that was fast
(sapphire): it's been building up
(fireopal): I'm going to disappear for a while
(sapphire): please don't
(sapphire): I need you
(sapphire): please
(fireopal): I'm ANGRY
(sapphire): I KNOW that!
(fireopal): I hope you're happy on your birthday
(fireopal): because I won't be there
(sapphire): shout at me, insult me, hurt me, anything, just talk to me and don't GO
(fireopal): I love you
(sapphire): be angry at me
(sapphire): with me, while I'm here
(fireopal): god, I love you
(sapphire): oh, god! baby, don't do this! I don't know how to keep you here, I don't want to beg, I don't want to cry, I don't think telling you every little thought I've been thinking about you and everything I'm doing for you would HELP
(sapphire): tell me what to do to make you stay
(fireopal): why?
(fireopal): we don't have a future together, anyway
(fireopal): it's still never
(sapphire): but I'm lost without you
(fireopal): you don't HAVE me
(sapphire): I did
(fireopal): I love you
(fireopal): I have to be angry
(fireopal): this is my limit
(sapphire): I know. it's easier, and more energizing
(fireopal): no more hurting
(fireopal): this was where I went wrong last time
(fireopal): I let her hurt me
(fireopal): and even now, I can't say no to her
(fireopal): can't get angry at her
(sapphire): but you can to me
(fireopal): that is what I'm changing now
(fireopal): I don't want another (evil whore bitch)
(sapphire): okay
(fireopal): but baby, you were much better.
(sapphire): oh, how I wish that were true
(fireopal): fine, don't believe me
(sapphire): don't DO this
(fireopal): You will be without me on your birthday
(fireopal): without anything of me
(sapphire): not even this?
(fireopal): what?
(sapphire): talking to you like this
(fireopal): not even this
(sapphire): okay
(fireopal): I refuse to give you anything to remember me by
(sapphire): okay
(fireopal): anything to prove I was ever yours
(fireopal): because this is what you chose.
(sapphire): all right
(fireopal): be gentle with yourself
(sapphire): I wish I could do that, too
(fireopal): you will
(sapphire): we'll see
(fireopal): I love you
(fireopal): I said I was only disappearing for a WHILE
(sapphire): but you're closing your heart to me forever
(fireopal): you better be there when I come back
(sapphire): and that's disappearing, too
(fireopal): we'll see
(sapphire): a while
(sapphire): less than a week ago you couldn't go five days without me
(sapphire): or two
(fireopal): god, I'm so sorry
(sapphire): no, no
(sapphire): don't be
(sapphire): I understand
(fireopal): I LOVE you
(sapphire): I KNOW that, baby
(fireopal): I'm so tempted to take (atomic tangerine) from you
(sapphire): oh
(sapphire): you should
(sapphire): before I end up hurting her, too
(fireopal): would you?
(sapphire): probably
(sapphire): is my nature
(fireopal): you'd hurt (atomic tangerine)?
(sapphire): not on purpose
(sapphire): I'm not hurting YOU on purpose
(fireopal): promise me you won't hurt her.
(sapphire): just take her away!
(fireopal): holy fucking shit
(sapphire): I can't promise what I don't know
(fireopal): do you think I CAN?
(fireopal): do you know how much that girl loves you?
(sapphire): and I won't break any more promises
(sapphire): yes, and I love her just as much
(fireopal): then fucking PROMISE
(sapphire): you need to protect her. from everything, from ME
(sapphire): so just DO it!
(fireopal): I CAN'T
(sapphire): I love (atomic tangerine)
(sapphire): but I love you too, and look what I've done to you?
(sapphire): is not something I can promise
(fireopal): well, you can't cheat on her
(fireopal): and that has always been your problem with me
(sapphire): it'll be something, though
(sapphire): it's always something
(fireopal): PROMISE, (SAPPHIRE)
(sapphire): I WILL NOT BREAK ANY MORE PROMISES!
(sapphire): so I'm not making any more
(fireopal): fuck you.
(fireopal): I'm going to talk to (atomic tangerine).
(fireopal): tell her what you've refused to promise.
(sapphire): okay
(fireopal): and try to get her to stay away.
(fireopal): but I know she won't.
(fireopal): and so remember this
(fireopal): if you dare hurt her
(fireopal): I swear I will hurt you worse.
(sapphire): not possible
(sapphire): there is no worse than this
(fireopal): oh my fucking god.
(fireopal): do NOT involve (atomic tangerine) in all this.
(fireopal): you'll be sorry.
(sapphire): I already am
(fireopal): I could hate you.
(sapphire): I don't suppose it would help to point out that you're taking everything I'm saying the wrong way?
(sapphire): and you could hate me, huh? well then
(sapphire): maybe I've proved, after all, that I could get you to stop loving me
(sapphire): and that you would
(fireopal): I still love you.
(sapphire): not for always
(fireopal): yes, for always.
(sapphire): not if you hate me
(fireopal): I can try
(fireopal): why would you hurt my (atomic tangerine)?
(sapphire): your (atomic tangerine) again?
(fireopal): mine
(sapphire): ah
(sapphire): no longer ours
(fireopal): she doesn't deserve to be called yours if you can't promise not to hurt her
(sapphire): not on purpose
(sapphire): never on purpose
(fireopal): have you kissed him? (raven)
(sapphire): I let him kiss me
(fireopal): bullshit
(fireopal): I'm going
(sapphire): okay
(sapphire): don't
(sapphire): please
(fireopal): I'm going
(sapphire): can I ask you one thing, first?
(fireopal): what
(sapphire): how long is a while?
(fireopal): I don't know
(sapphire): and why can't I have my day? and why can't it be my birthday? and why can't you give me the chance to PROVE that I'm yours? and why won't you let me make my OWN choice as to how much danger I'm willing to be in to be with you?
(fireopal): no, no, and no.
(fireopal): deal with it.
(sapphire): I will
(sapphire): I will find a way around this
(sapphire): and through it
(sapphire): to you
(fireopal): I could never be with someone who couldn't promise not to hurt (atomic tangerine)
(fireopal): I would have said goodbye on that alone
(sapphire): another convenient excuse
(fireopal): oh, no.
(fireopal): not (ATOMIC TANGERINE).
(fireopal): you know as well as I do that (atomic tangerine) is NOT just a convenient excuse.
(sapphire): I love (atomic tangerine). and I wouldn't hurt her for the world
(fireopal): you can't promise it
(sapphire): I couldn't promise it to you either
(sapphire): but I didn't hurt you on purpose
(fireopal): oh, well
(fireopal): you did
(fireopal): I'm going
(sapphire): okay
(sapphire): love?
(fireopal): what?
(sapphire): I love you
(sapphire): I'm sorry I broke us
(fireopal): (SAPPHIRE)?
(sapphire): and fucked everything up
(sapphire): but I love you
(sapphire): yeah?
(fireopal): I love you, too. for always.
Yahoo! Messenger: (fireopal) has logged out. (9/2/2003 11:44 AM)
(sapphire): then don't go

And do you know what part of me thinks, and SO MUCH of me is hoping? That he's putting it on, that he's making a scene so that he can surprise me on my birthday. I fucking hate my birthday. Three days and I wish it would never come.
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