I fucked two guys tonight. Within the space of a couple hours.
Fuckin', fuckin'.
Don't like myself very much.
Laters

Another thing I tend to lie about is to the guys I'm fucking whether or not I'm fucking anyone else. Which, of course, I am. I just don't tell them that. Morons.
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I have no one I can call in the middle of the night when I'm feeling like this. No one to listen to my words, to sympathize with my sobs, to comfort my pain. No one to love me like I need to be loved.
No one.
And nothing.
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*sigh*
Yes, we have reached-once again-the downward spiral. FireOpal has told me now that there is no possible way we can ever be together. He set up his life that way when his previous relationship ended. So. I will be with Raven. I will be what he wants me to be, and hopefully I will lose all myself doing it.
Only...it will be difficult. To ignore FireOpal. To be with Raven, a man I do not love. A man I will not love. A man I could never love. Well. They say the harder the work, the more worth it. Fuck it, we'll just have to see.
To distract myself...and no more fucking liquor. Dammit.
Laters

Three MONTHS since I last posted in my poetry blog?!?. Damn!
You people had better get on me for that. Unless you don't WANT any more of my brilliance?
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The rules of the game...
His rules? Yeah, sure. We'll go with that.
LoL
But only until he realizes he's been playing by MY rules all along.
People tend to react poorly to things like that.
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OH, I love Amethyst! I put her to bed and went to get myself a cup of water and she came out asking me to look through her room with her for ghosts. So we had to shut and barricade the closet door because she saw one. God, she's just the cutest kid EVER!
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Sapphire, do you take FireOpal to be your wedded husband to live together in marriage; Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and cherish him, and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health And forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?
“ I do”

I feel loved
When you talk to me, when you think of me, when you miss me, when you pay attention to me, when you exist because I know your heart beats for me.
I want to love you the way you love me for always.

I feel comforted
When you tell me to shh, when you wish to hold me and stroke my hair and take all the hurt away.
I want to comfort you the way you comfort me for always.

I feel honoured
When you chose me above all others, knowing full well you could have anyone you please.
I want to honour you the way you honour me for always.

I feel cherished
When you write me long emails letting me know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling, when you take the time and make the effort to let me know how MUCH I mean to you.
I want to cherish you the way you cherish me for always.

I feel kept
When you remind me of the promises we made to love each other forever, when you tell me that you’re not letting me go, when you tell me that you need me.
I want to keep you the way you keep me for always.

I feel better
When you talk to me and tell me you love me every five seconds, when you smile just for me.
I want to make you feel better the way you make me for always.

I feel worse
When you are hurting, especially when you are hurting because of the pain I have inflicted upon you.
I want to spare you from every bit of pain for always.

I feel rich
When you shower me with praises, when you call to my attention my strengths and my beauties.
I want to make you rich the way you make me for always.

I feel poor
When you are so far away, when you aren’t anywhere I can talk to you or tell you that I love you.
I want to save you from ever being poor for always.

I feel sick
When you forget how much I love you, when you don’t remember all we’ve been through and all we mean to each other.
I want to remind you of my love and devotion for always.


I feel healthy
When you simply breathe, when you are who you are because I couldn’t be healthy without knowing you were alive somewhere in this world.
I want to make you healthy the way you make me for always.

I feel only yours
When you ask me to do things for you, the simplest and the most difficult.
I want to make you only mine for always.

Even in my dreams I write SO fucking well.
Laters

Oh, and I have about three rolls of film from her first day of school. My parents would be disappointed-they bought me six.
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Right now I'm feeling...very antisocial. Towards all the horny assholes wanting and/or trying to fuck me for one-honestly, I'm just not in the mood for sex. Though that probably has something to do with me being actively female.
And I don't want Raven to move in. I don't even want to ever see him again. I would be fine if he just fell off the face of the planet. Yes, that would work for me.
Only...I know things will change. Which is the only reason I haven't told him to take a flying leap into the pit of hell where he belongs. He pays me the attention that I want, and him being here will solve my financial situation. So I can use him for that and he can use me for sex. Only he wants to use me for much more. To submit to HIM? That's gonna happen. (note the sarcasm) Yeah it is. Partially, maybe, and almost totally in bed for sure. That's the way I've always been in the bedroom. That's the way I LIKE to be in the bedroom.
*sigh*
Right now things are okay-good, even-between FireOpal and I. Which is why I'm feeling so antisocial to everyone else. Because I LOVE him. I want to concentrate on ONLY him. I want to BE with only him. Right now.
He asked me not to kiss Raven anymore. Because I didn't really ever kiss Blonde. Because kissing is special. And I asked Raven if he would mind not kissing me anymore and he said no. Because "I will not have him dictate the nature or extent of our relationship. End of story." And "I want you and I'm willing to put up with a lot of this [FireOpal] shit to have you but I do have my limits." Only he didn't use capitals or apostrophes correctly. And I really do hate that.
Speaking of poor grammer and punctuation, Atomic Tangerine has a problem. Not herself, not in that, but someone with that problem has been...bothering her. And I know how she'll react and I know how she feels and dammit, I just want to fucking KILL the guy. And the only thing I can do about it is be here for her and let her know I love her. And hell, at least she talks to me about it. Thank god I'm here for that.
Stormy's going to kill me if she finds out that I'm either a) considering letting Raven move in or b) talking to FireOpal again. But she loves me. She'll forgive me...eventually. Though she'll avoid me and my place if Raven's here.
I miss Hunter and Magenta. And 'she who will not be named or colour coded'. Atomic Tangerine is right-I AM happy there. I know the place and I love the people-at least MY people. And despite the prevalence of crap that's to be dealt with there, I think...maybe I should move. There. I'm...at home there. As at home as I can be, at any rate. Plus there's the added benefit of free babysitting. Gotta love exploiting the parentals. Of course, they think they're exploiting me on that, too. I thouroughly enjoy having the only grandkid out of the four of us kids.
Anyway, it's late and Amethyst goes to school in the morning. Again. (vague whinings about baby and school and birth yesterday)
Laters

And at this point you've gotta wonder-am I just saying that to find out if his friend is still reading, or do I really mean it?
Y'all can decide THAT for yourselves. Luckily *I* happen to know the truth.
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I want him to love me. Raven. I want him to love me and to suffer because I don't-won't and can't-love him back. Does he? Yes, I think so. More than he admits, that's for damned sure. But I want more. I want him to be in love with me. ME, not this fantasy recreation of an old flame. And I want him to look in my eyes every day and see that his love is unrequited. And I want it to tear at him, to eat him up, to hurt him. And I want him to see how I suffer with him there, how I barely tolerate his presence, and I want that to hurt him, too. I want him to hurt because I'm hurting and to hurt more because he thinks he is the cause of it. Not physical pain, that's inconsequential. Even I can handle physical pain. No, I want to put him through the kind of torment that drives a man insane. The kind that rots his very being, his soul if he's got one. I want to destroy him. All the while having him thinking that he's getting what he wants, when really he'll only be getting what he deserves. I deserve it, too. To be cruel, viscious. To take what I want and give nothing in return. To use instead of being used. To punish him for all the wrongs any man has ever done me. And all the perceived wrongs as well. And believe me, I can perceive an injustice done me just about anywhere. And I usually do. So anyway. Time to make this bastard suffer. My way.
Any tips?
Laters

Things are not as they should be.
FireOpal has given up on me. Has decided that it hurts too much to hope that we'll ever be together and so has quit. Just like that. As if it were the easiest thing in the world for him. I don't understand. He loves me. I love him. Though he's right. It SHOULDN'T be this hard. And it SHOULD be worth it.
And Raven...Raven will be here. He will move in and make me his slave. And I will let him. Because if not FireOpal, why NOT Raven? FireOpal is the only man I love, the only one I will ever love. So I might as well be with a man that I could never even imagine I love, never even pretend. Not even for a portion of a second.
These are not the way things should be. This is not the course I should be following. Anyone got fifteen/sixteen hundred to spare?
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God, I wish I weren't so fucking stupid. Here I am, bragging about my brilliance and condemning those who swagger about thinking they're the shit and really being nothing but useless excrement. While *I* am the one doing the same damned thing. I'm nothing. NOTHING. I wish I could do SO many things. I can't even read French. Or German, Russian, anything. Even English is a struggle for me. Because I'm an idiot. And I WANT to, I DESPERATELY want to. So...why can't I?
You know, I used to think I was magic. Or had a kind of super power or something of the sort. SOMEthing that allowed me to always get my way. ALWAYS. To get everything I wanted. So...is THIS what I wanted? To be in love with a man who's too far away-and too afraid-to be with me, to be fucking a guy that I'll probably stay with as long as he continues lavishing on me the kind of attention I crave, to be mother to the antichrist, to be fat and lazy and fucking STUPID? IS it? I mean, is there something buried deep in my psyche that's fucking everything up for me? AM I getting what I TRULY want? And why oh, WHY can't I just KNOW what I want and GET it?
Fuck it right in the ear.
I figured out how much it would be to get to FireOpal. Not including passports and all that mess, it'll be around fifteen/sixteen hundred. Only...my phone is tapped. THIS is probably read as well, and maybe even my damned Yahoo conversations monitored. So what if I somehow get the money, fly out there, call Atomic Tangerine up and they aren't even in the country anymore? Am I just fucking stranded? Only I'd DO that. Go out there with no plan, no ADDRESS, no place to stay and no money and just hope I could find them. Leap of faith. Faith in love. Faith in him, in us, in myself...too much? But there's not really a way for me to GET that much money. Short of robbing a bank, which I think is why FireOpal allowed me to find out where he's living in the first place. Dammit. But...on the other hand...there HAS to be SOME way. Isn't there? I mean, assassin shit aside, isn't he allowed to be happy? To be in love, to marry? Or will they-the mysterious "they" assassins-find out when (if) I get some money and send him off somewhere fucking ELSE? GodDAMMIT. And does this man that I love with all my heart even EXIST? To anyone but me? ("I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." Yeah, right.)
I'm actively female. And obviously not asleep. And my new piercing kinda hurts, but I'm determined to keep it in until SOMEONE can see it. Even if it kills me. Maybe it'll even heal right and I can keep it. Ya think?
Amethyst starts school Friday. My baby. School. BABY. SCHOOL. Fucking time. Abandons me when I need it most. Or DO I? God, I love my kid. She's just so...so...so...MINE. How in the HELL am I going to be able to let her go to SCHOOL? Six rolls of film, THAT'S how. I'm such a dork. But maybe I won't be the ONLY dork parent there. If I am, I'll probably be mortified and leave early. I DO have shit to do that day. Damned meds.
I can't sleep. Don't know why. Might have a little to do with that FireOpal's supposed to be able to get online sometime soon here, and he's freaky about calling me. And I don't want to miss him. But it might not.
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
Yes, I'm fully aware of how much sense I don't make.
Laters

GodDAMN. How can I be so busy when I have NOTHING to fucking DO?
Went out last night and bought an answering machine and a DVD player. Both of which I needed, but both of which Slate has for me. Impatient much?
Things I tend to lie about (or at least exaggerate): my health-really, I'm probably not that close to death; money-I most likely have more than I say I do; anything I know you'll disapprove of-was that ME taking your car out of town to see a guy you wouldn't like me associating with, much less wasting my time to go see?
Amethyst is starting school. On Friday. God. I just gave birth YESTERDAY. And tomorrow she'll be graduating high school, getting married, having babies of her own. How DARE she? Deliberate disobedience, and HOW do you punish for that?
I slept almost all day today. Only been awake for about two hours. And when I woke up I found out that Amethyst had (accidentally?) pulled the phone cord out of the wall. I AM addicted to the phone. Just to outside contact, really. People. I need people. And attention.
Speaking of attention, FireOpal MISSED me while I was away. I gotted LOTS of emails. He loves me. And I him. So would anyone like to tell me just WHY we aren't together?
*sigh*
Laters

Busy time. Heading back tonight. Might be more coherent next time.
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I have to drive for about twelve hours tonight. At least I get to see some of my friends.
You know what's really frustrating? Having a thought-an epiphany-in the middle of the night and not remembering it to write it down the next day. Dammit.
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It's early in the morning. I've been up for a while. Amethyst isn't up. Actually, I didn't sleep. Neither much nor well. Have you ever noticed how you NOTICE things when you can't sleep?
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I feel more than a little bipolar. God.
I'm talking to FireOpal and Raven at the same time. Well, chatting with. And part of me is talking to FireOpal all lovie and hopeful and happy; but the other part is talking to Raven all realistic and hopeless and...and...NOT happy.
Raven talking about the future, realistically planning on showing up in a definite time frame.
FireOpal talking about...about leaving me. Or never coming to me. About how he doesn't "have" me anymore, how he never did. Talking about how he doesn't have me to live for. Doesn't he want to? And ON that subject, what the FUCK?!?!? When did he EVER fucking live for me? He can't even TALK to me. Goddammit. I love him SO much. I just keep having to convince him. While I just believe him. And I'm the one who's given everything, and he not even a voice? Who fucked this world up?
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And I have to go up to where my parents live in two days. To take care of Stormy's car. So I'mma get ahold of Magenta and 'she who will not be named or colour coded' and maybe a few others to see while I'm there. And Hunter. I've already gotten ahold of Hunter. He's excited to see me, even though he's mocking me about...well, everything, that's what that bitch does.
And now I have to go get Stormy some goat cheese.
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Another day, another...nothing. Dammit.
Amethyst starts school in a week. A WEEK. My BABY. Dammit.
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Okay, we're done with the joke. There was and is no suicide plan. Raven had a friend that was reading this and trying to interfere because of it so I decided to fuck with him. It worked, I'm sorry, the end.
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It's working. I convinced Raven to postpone a few of his obligations and he should be here tomorrow or the next day. I've even got most of the details worked out. And he's SO neatly falling into them. Even Stormy's helping out-though she doesn't know it. She's taking Amethyst for me, so that my child won't have to deal with the horror of it, she'll just stay with someone she loves. And the closer I get to it-only mere HOURS now-the more excited I become. How twisted is that? That the one thing I'm getting excited over is...well, nothing. Oblivion. It works for me, though. And thank...whatever that it's all finally about to come to an end.
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Goddammit. I can't pay my fucking rent. This is such a nightmare.
I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap.
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God, I don't even know what's going on in my head.
I'm thinking about Raven. And FireOpal. Of course. And what am I thinking? I'm thinking about all sorts of things. Like that FireOpal isn't going to show up on my birthday when I need him to. And thus I'm going to move in with Raven. Do I want to? NO. Very much no. I want to be with FireOpal. Which I have made no secret of to anyone, including to Raven. In fact, I'd rather commit suicide than live with him. I even have a plan. One that would work, AND give Amethyst and Stormy the insurance money. Of course, it would involve Raven. And he's had to deal with that sort of thing before. But he was younger, and obviously he's dealt with it. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty, though. I don't want to have him suffer, but damn. What about MY suffering? Why can't I just be selfish? Why can't I just not fucking care about who I hurt? Especially Raven, he hurts me. Literally. I want to. I want to be deliberately malicious. I don't love him. I never will. So I want to fucking hurt him, to make him realize that two out of three IS bad, that just because I've been with him doesn't mean that I like him, that I'll ever be with him again. Or that I ever wanted to be. Which I didn't. I just...allowed it to happen. Because why fucking not? He's not even a good lay. Not as bad as Ruby-hell it'd take a lot to be as bad as Ruby. Well, not a lot. I don't think there IS such a thing as as bad as Ruby. But he's still not anything close to great. And I think I'm done experimenting with this beating thing. So...yeah. I guess I have a plan.
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Well, Stormy's here tonight. For about the rest of the week. It's nice to have her around. Especially without her husband, who hates me. *sigh*
I'm in a lot of pain. I haven't been taking my night time medicine because it knocks me out for the entire next day. And I've been busy. My rent is a problem. Slate set it up for direct deposit and it didn't go through and rent is due four days ago and starts incruing late charges tomorrow. Maybe I'll figure that out. Actually, I think I already have. And my apartment manager is working with me, which is nice. In fact, everyone I've been dealing with has been nice. Just not helpful. And sometimes incompetent.
Anyway, I'mma head to the shower.
Laters

I got a letter from FireOpal that said "I hope you're not doing anything you don't want to." Fuck. He knows me. And he loves me. If only...
Yeah, let's live in the land of "If Only..."
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Raven is quite a bit of what I thought I wanted but really don't. And FireOpal is everything I never thought I wanted but really do. So why is Raven the one who shows up? And why can't FireOpal even talk to me?
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Oh, god, what is so fucking wrong with my life? WHY can't things happen to me like they happen to normal people? Why amd I fucking married men because I hate their wives instead of making love to my own husband-and have my husband be FireOpal? Why am I allowing Raven to be here, when all I want is FireOpal? Will FireOpal ever show up? God. This whole situation is so fucking wrong. "I love you, but I'm not going to talk to you or be with you or step up and do anything that's really involved in keeping a loving relationship working." Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Wish I were suicidal.
Again.
Laters