I'm going to go either sleep or spend the night throwing up.
Laters

Ya know what's really amusing about this situation? Is that not three days ago I wrote about it here and even said "I've never gotten caught and I never will." God MUST have a sense of humour. Does anyone ELSE see the cosmic irony there? I think god just doesn't like braggarts. I will contain myself from now on. Whether from kleptomania or bragging has yet to be determined.
Laters

Well, pah. So I was wrong about the sleepies.
Anyway, I have some...news. Whether it's interesting, amusing, odd, deserved, or whatever depends on how you view the whole thing. Personally, *I* was amused. Stormy doesn't think it's anything to be laughing about.
So the news: I got caught. For the first time in twenty years. And I knew I would but I was like "fuck it, ya never know until you try." So I went into this little mini convenience store to buy beer for the bitch and a coke for myself. And there were these cute little bottles of liquor. And with the mirrors all over I just stuffed a couple into my pockets. Then as I was leaving, one of the clerks had been standing in the door way and she stopped me with "are you going to pay for the ones in your pockets?" Looking her straight in the eyes and smiling I responded with "I wasn't planning on it, no." Then I handed them to her and she just stood there so I asked if she'd rather I pay for them or just give them back. She told me it was up to me and I said that it was okay, I didn't really need them anyway. So she walked past me back into the store. I shrugged and started walking to my car and she turned around to tell my back not to come back. I think she was unaccustomed to someone not feeling shame at getting caught. And by the look on her face and the extra long pause, I think she was VERY taken aback by my blatant "I wasn't planning on it, no." I was very polite and even smiled at her. Maybe she was expecting something else. I'm sure not many people react the same way.
As for how I'M reacting to it...well, I'm kinda amused-both at myself and at her reactions. I kinda feel a little dumb, but also I realize that it just about had to happen, I was being really irresponsible about the whole thing. And it's not even an "I'll know better next time" kinda thing. I knew better THIS time, I just didn't care. I think it's just because I know I'm leaving and I'm getting a little careless. Or, rather, I'm getting a little "I don't give a fuck." But! Once (twice if you count that incident with Stormy, which I don't) in nearly twenty years is a pretty damned good record if I do say so myself. And I didn't freak out or break down or even apologize as I suspected I might if I ever encountered this situation. In fact, I'm STILL pretty proud of myself. Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead? LoL. Nah!
Laters

Sleepies after three days.
Laters

I'm all thinky now. I signed into my account and guy from Thanksgiving was online. You'd think that I'd just delete him from my list, but...I dunno. What if I'm still on his? What if he still reads my blog? I'm glad I'm moving and that I tend to be vague about everything. I mean, yeah, he knows my real name and everything, but I never keep anything in my real name and I can always start going by Slate's name if it proves necessary. Anyway, that's not the point. I highly doubt he wants anything to do with me ever again. And it's not like he doesn't know where I live if he did. Maybe I SHOULD sleep with my doors locked...but that's not the point, either. Hell, I don't even know if I have a point. I wish I'd kept the charges pending for a while longer. Not long enough to go to trial or anything, but longer than just giving him one shitty weekend to contemplate what an asshole he is before I let him off the hook. I didn't want a court thing anyway-the whole 'my word against his' thing just doesn't work for me. I mean, what if he's a really good liar? I'M not a very good...performer. I wouldn't get up there and cry and be all victim looking. I'd just avoid looking at him and tell the truth in a factual manner and then leave. Yes, I've thought about it. Dreamed about it, even. Woken up screaming because of it.
And the past few days, weeks, whatever-however long since I've actively thought about it-I feel like I've been deliberately ignoring it. Like I'm hiding from it or denying it or something. Like I'm still afraid. Like I'm still weak, still the victim. Why do *I* have to be victimized by this? I mean, WTF? I wonder if I can reinstate the charges or something like that. I don't even know. Do I WANT him to suffer? Do I even care? I'm so confused. About so many things.
And then I hate-HATE-people telling me how I should react. Like the fucking missionaries telling me that I shouldn't talk about it that often so it won't continue to have such an effect on me. WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW?!? I'd REALLY like to see how THEY would handle it if they were involuntarily fucked up the ass by a stranger. Like I'm supposed to just fucking DEAL with it and move on and hell, even forget about it. Yeah, that'll happen. And then others-like my parents and the bitch-telling me that I wasn't traumatized enough, that I didn't react as severely as I should have and THAT'S why they didn't believe me. Why do I fucking care? Why am I such a coward that I have to have all this goddamned external validation? That I can't admit things about myself that make me uncomfortable? Why do I have to have the excuse of liquor to say what I want to say? Or do what I want to do? Why can't I emotionally as well as intelectually accept the duality of all things, the possibility and capability of evil within myself? Why do I blame myself for everything? Even then, even Thanksgiving. And now with the bitch and all her problems.
*sigh* I don't even know anymore. And THAT is why I'm in therapy.
Laters

I can understand the need for the pendulum's swing. Only why does it have to be so sharp and why am *I* strapped to the table beneath it?
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And fucking A, I've got less than a month left here. Less than a month with internet access and a phone. Less than a month, and I LOVE it here. Less than a month till I get to live in the middle of a fucking swamp all by myself. I thought I wasn't supposed to BE alone anymore. And I'm not. I'm really not. *sigh*
Oh, and I HATE my hair, I HATE my template, I HATE my body and there's nothing I can do about any goddamned part of it.
And another thing-fuck it, since I can't sleep I might as well update my neglected blog-I had an appointment with my therapist today. Guess what we talked about? That's wrong. No, guess again. Uh-uh. Damn, you really suck at this game. Okay, I give. We talked about my kleptomania. And how I'm proud of it. And ya know what? Fuck YEAH I'm proud of it. I'm GOOD at it, I get free stuff that would otherwise be expensive as all hell, and I save myself the trouble of having to deal with any of the morons who run these shitty places. Oh, and today I ALMOST stole a diamond. A real, whole carrat diamond. I didn't-not because I would've gotten caught, I wouldn't have-but because what the HELL would I do with it? Anyway, what my therapist said was that maybe I should challenge myself to NOT do it even when I have the opportunity to do so. I thought about that today. Too bad I didn't think of it in any kind of realistic setting whatsoever. I'm sorry, I've been doing this shit all my life. I've never gotten caught, and I never will. And hell, even if I DO, I have no record. What'll I get? A slap on the wrist and a 'naughty, bad girl, don't do that again'. Yeah, I'm TERRIFIED of consequences.
Okay, I'm sick of typing. Time to go stare at the fucking walls and pretend I'm not upset.
Laters

Okay, so I get all sober, right? Well, yeah, kind of. But my tummy's a little upset and I want to sleep off the alcohol so that I can get some REAL sleep later and HE'S all distracted anyway-looking through my email and such (and yes, I DID give him the password and no, I DON'T care)-so I decide to go take a power nap. Just long enough to get my stomach settled and sleep through the rest of the liquor. And HE was supposed to IM me at three so that we could talk again for a while before I needed to go to sleep again. Before HE did, too. Did he do that? No, no he didn't. Instead he sent me an email-at three thirty-about how he wanted me to sleep and he wasn't going to IM me. So now he's over there all awake and I'm over here all awake and fuck a duck. I just wish that he'd trusted me that I knew what I was talking about. Because I could have been on my way to sleep right now-real sleep, not passed out non restie kinda alcoholic wannabe slumber. But no. I get to stare at the walls for hours until Amethyst wakes up and wants breakfast. Yee haw.
Anyway, Slate's and I are getting along really well recently, but he'd be super pissed if I left the computer on all night because the electric bill keeps going up. So I'mma shut it down and go do...oh, that's right! Absolutely fucking nothing for four to six goddamned hours.
Laters

And then I wonder which one of us overreacts more often and/or more dramatically. *sigh* Sobering up and all that. Not that I need to, because I AM a very sober drunk. But it's a health thing, too.
Laters

Okay. Now. Having showered so I'm all clean and drunk some more so I'm all buzzed, I decided that it is time for a Candi rant. Anyone care to guess what I'm going to rant on? Yes, that's right. And you know what? THIS is why I drink. So I can blame my actions on the liquor and not on myself-even though I am always completely aware and fully conscious of my deliberate choices. Anyway, I'm drunk right now so I'm ranting.
Yes, about Fire Opal. Why the FUCK is he so convinced that he's not good for me? And you know what-screw even me. For his SISTER. Yeah, she got upset today. Because of him, even that is true. But it was because she was freaked out that he'd disappear on us. That he'd just up and leave because of his delusions of inadequacy. So she called me and talked to me about it for a while. And when he showed up, she just cried and hugged him, she was so relieved. Can't he see that we need him? Both of us, for sure, but ESPECIALLY her. And the only reason he's not good for either of us is because he keeps both of us in constant suspense as to whether or not he'll show up the next time we expect him to, the next time we need him to. But of course he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that because we love him and worry about him so much that he's putting us in danger. He feels he has to protect us from everything. Everything except himself. And it would be so EASY to reassure us, so SIMPLE. Just be with us. Both of us. We need him, we need each other. We even need Amethyst, all of us do. How can he be so blind as to not SEE that? "See, I believe that when you're truly in love, there's no stopping it. I believe that nothing can get in the way of love at its purest form." HE said that. So why is HE determined to get in the way of it? Why does he insist on being the one to stop it, to obscure it and ignore it and even deny its power? He says he believes in love and that we are in love and he says that he wants to be with me. So WTF?!? And you know what? He's going to read this. And blame himself and get all despondent and upset and declare that he's no good for me and possibly break up with me-again. Because *I* am not allowed to get upset or to have any concerns or doubts, I'm not allowed to be freaky or get angry, I am not allowed to have any emotions or expressions that are not one hundred percent of love. Why? Because he is somehow incapable of realizing that even though I'm upset I still love him. He can't understand that I'm angry BECAUSE I love him, because I LOVE him, and not because I DON'T. He forgets. That I'm in love with him. And that sometimes it's okay to be upset with each other and then make up and forgive each other. Hell, even HE said that makeup sex is the best kind. *I* wouldn't know. I've never HAD makeup sex. He's promised me makeup sex. Which implies that he knows that we're going to argue sometimes. Although it doesn't really seem like it. Not now. And so far this is just an internet thing. He hasn't even talked to me on the PHONE for sobbing audibly. WHY are we having problems at this point? We shouldn't be. We should just be all "I love you more" "No, I love YOU more", and that sort of thing. Not crying every night and depriving myself of sleep because I can do nothing but sit in darkness and pretend I'm not staring through the goddamned walls. And now what? What about tonight? How WILL he react? I almost wish I didn't know. That's the fucking trouble with being brilliant-I already know what's going to happen next and there's no suspense. And even when I DO get upset, I can't let him KNOW it. Or I have to play it like it's all my fault and I need his help-which, yes, is usually how I see it, usually the way it is. It's just that sometimes I have to overcompensate for how shitty he feels by being UBER lovie and understanding and tolerant. His sister-and her colour is Atomic Tangerine-said that I'm always the one listening and understanding and being strong and offering advice. But what about me? And I see her point-what ABOUT me? Who do *I* have to complain to, to talk to even? What happens when I'm NOT feeling all that strong? Even Stormy doesn't know how to listen, she just mocks me and makes me feel ridiculous for feeling however it is that I do. Which, admittedly, sometimes helps. But also sometimes makes things worse. And why CAN'T he stay when I ask him to? He NEVER has, not once. And on the flip side of that, why doesn't he ever ask ME to stay when he knows I would-and sometimes even want to-and HE wants me to as well? And THEN why does he get pissed when I go because he DIDN'T ask me to stay? What the fuck, man! And fuck a duck and I'm going now. To do something that isn't thinking, that isn't dying inside.
Laters

So I didn't post yesterday. Yeah, that's the end of that thought.
And now I'm at the point where I'd like just ONCE for him to stay when I ask him to. Maybe just for the novelty of it, just to be different for once. Whatever. I'm getting in the shower. And finishing my liquor. ALL of my liquor. Screw this sobriety thing.
Laters

Why is it that *I* always feel responsible for problems that I KNOW I didn't cause? Why am I thinking of things that *I* could have done differently when *I* didn't do anything WRONG? And then Slate is very adamant about me not talking to them ever again. But what about those kids? What happens the NEXT time there's no one around to watch them? *sigh* All I can say is fuck a duck.
Laters

So whenever I talk to the bitch, I somehow allow myself to get caught up in her drama. Her man's cheating on her. Whatever. I'm the one who told her. Again, whatever. He's been trying to get with ME since August. Whatever. And when she asked me if he'd ever tried to fuck me, I had a guilty look on my face. So I said "he accidentally kissed me once when he was very drunk." Which I figured was better than "yeah, once or twice while you were otherwise occupied." And I could've left it at that. I would've been FINE with leaving it at that. BUT-and I know I'm being silly and insulted when it really IS his right to lie to her about everything-of course he lied to her. The BUT comes in when he decides to take it as far as "she's a whore and not even remotely attractive and I think she's ugly and I would never try to get with that." Call it an insult to my womanly pride. Call it deja vu of the worst kind-because something familiar has happened to me before. Call it whatever you want. I told her that he's been trying to get with me since August. Oftentimes while she's been next door sleeping. Or running to the store to get HIM stuff. Or working. Or going to school. Or taking care of HIS children. Take your pick, but the point is: she's been out of the way, he's been in MY way. Even recently he's been knocking on my door at all hours of the day and night trying to get him a piece. When he KNOWS I'm...taken. Anyway. So he cheats on her, even brings his girl to his house while I watch the kids. She finds out and-understandably-gets angry. So when I was outside today smoking my lonely cigarrette, she's getting drunk and not taking care of her children. Then she decides that she's going to drive down to his work and confront him. With the children. Being the kind of person I am, I decide to drive her. And I tell her that she needs to calm down and that we should just take Amethyst and the other kids to eat. No, she insists I drop her off at his work first. So I do, take the kids to eat, am out maybe an hour, and when I get to his work she's been taken to jail and he's got a bandage on half his face. He thinks he's taking the kids. Um, no. I had the car seats, he needed to calm down. So I bring them home, with him saying he'll be right behind me. THREE hours later, he still hasn't shown up, their grandfather refuses to come get them and Slate walks in the door demanding that I call the police. Then Slate calls the grandfather back to tell him that the police are on their way to take the kids. At this point it becomes a race. Who will show first, the father, the grandfather or the police? The grandfather wins, but barely. The police are right behind and I'm in the middle of it. The thing that pisses me off the most is that everyone's blaming ME for this whole situation. I told the bitch about her man, I drove her there, I called the police, I made the grandfather miss work (which, by the way, I'm pretty sure he wasn't AT because it'd take him WAY more time than that to get here from work than say from his house), I watched the children for HOURS ON END the last few days because no one else was around to do it. And even the people who WERE around were incapable, incompetent or unwilling. But it's all MY fault. Yeah, I see THAT one-and please fall off the planet if you don't see the sarcasm there. I shouldn't have even been involved in this, much LESS blamed. Hell, if I were any kind of different person, I'd march over there and demand to get paid for my services. I have every right to. Anyway, now I remember more reasons why I didn't talk to them for months. Other than the whole Thanksgiving thing-for which the bitch keeps apologizing, by the way. But only when she's wasted. I guess that means it's truth? At this point I don't even care. Slate has all but forbidden me from ever speaking to them again and I'm gone in a month anyway. I suppose we'll see what happens. Oh, and when the father got home, he never mentioned why he'd disappeared and left me with his kids for so long. Only got pissy at me for taking her to his work in the first place. Oh, AND the grandfather said something like "what kind of fucking people are you, the kids are only two and three years old." To which Slate replied, "two and three and not our responsibility." He hates that whole family. *sigh*
Laters

So I get sick of staring at the walls and hoping for a phone call or an IM and I go outside. And-because 1)I needed an excuse to be outside and 2)I wanted to kind of impose a time limit on myself-smoked. It's a good thing I only had one cigarrette. And while I'm out there, it's THEN that I get an IM. *sigh*
Laters

I have not eaten. I have not slept. I have not taken my medicine. I have not read. I have not watched any movies or television. I HAVE done the dishes. And I have been staring at nothing for the past fourteen hours. Staring at nothing with the music up-OUR music-and imaging the sound of the phone ringing or the computer buzzing as when I get an IM. Fourteen hours. And for most of it I've been online. And nothing. Nothing of him. Fourteen hours. Which would hurt worse? Pretending to be friends? Or just disappearing? I don't want either. I don't want it and I can't accept it and I refuse to take it.
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I'm not supposed to end up alone. If it weren't for his sister, I'd be dead already. I don't really have anything else to say. I'm going to finish cleaning so that Slate doesn't kill me when he gets home. Or maybe I won't hoping that he will.
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I don't know what to do or to say or to think. I wish I didn't know what to feel because numbness would be a welcome relief right now. I don't understand. I refuse to accept it. HOW could he do this? On the day when he becomes REAL to me-I heard his VOICE!-he chooses to end it. Why? I don't understand. I'm confused and upset, frightened and even sick. The whole world aligns to conspire to get us to meet-against all odds-and we do what we always knew we would, what the world always knew we would. We fall in love. We don't even have a choice in the matter, not really. Love chose us. "The heart wants what it wants, there is no logic to these things." Why does he have to impose structure on something that is by definition maleable? Form on something that is by nature chaotic? Why do I? Why would he leave me? After all we've survived together, why would he toss me aside? He knows I love him. I know he loves me. So whatever happened to 'all you need is love'? Doesn't he realize that I CAN'T let him go? That I couldn't leave him any more than I could deliberately suffocate myself? It's not supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be 'happily ever after'. Not 'have a good life'. Why is this consistently happening to me? Why does god or fate or whoever get such delight out of fucking with me like this? Putting my only desire within my grasp and yanking it away before I even have the chance to appreciate it. I suppose it gives me a sense of not taking anything for granted-I'm not ever able to. This is killing me. How can he not see that? That without him I'm nothing, and I have nothing to live for? Even Amethyst knows she's better off without either of us than just with me alone. Oh, well. It's not like I'm a good mother anyway. And so many people would be so much better off without me around. Yes, I'm back to that again. Knowing it for certainty still, though I was on the verge of BELIEVING otherwise. Why did I think that this would be different? Why did I allow myself to believe that this was for real, forever, when my entire history is of imitations and endings? Why do I still hope for that? Why am I sitting here, hour after hour, staring at this screen and wondering what I can say, what I can do to make him stay? I'm his. I belong to him. There's no one else for me. There's NOTHING else for me. Why this, why now? Why all of a sudden? How can he go from planning our future together, discussing wedding plans and housing arrangements and children to goodbye? How does one make that leap? And within the space of an hour. And then he has to call me. Several times. To talk? No. To listen to me cry, to listen to me break and die, and to leave me anyway. What the hell does he get out of THAT? How can he hear me breaking and dying and not want to stop my pain? How can he do that when he loves me so much? And then he says he's breaking every promise he ever made to me. And keeps killing me a little more. I can't even type anymore. And there's nothing else to say anyway.
Laters

Oh, and being the html idiot that I am, I'm sick of messing with my template here. And is anyone ELSE noticing that there is no getting to my archives now?
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What am I going to do when I move and I have absolutely NO internet access?
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Okay, what I'm doing is messing with my template. I wanna find something pretty and colourful. But I'm an html idiot so bear with me-I have to use the work of others and some of them are...dweebs.
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Ya know, I LOVE Fire Opal. AND I love his sister! I especially like conspiring with her and talking about how much we both hate his ex. It's nice to know that she's on my side. Although, judging by how much she's helping, I can't imagine having to work AGAINST her. That would be...frustrating is an understatement.
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I'm tired and cranky. I'm bored and lonely. I'm in pain and achy. I'm frustrated and bitchy. *sigh* I'm needy and clingy. And...
Oh, forget it.
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So I've been REALLY neglecting my blog. All my online time is spent on Fire Opal, and all my other time is spent trying to distract myself from thinking about why he's not with me. As for right now...I'm lonely and frustrated. I SO do not do well with alone. I know I'm codependent, and the only problem comes in when there's no one around for me to be codependent on. *sigh* I'm really lonely. And having Amethyst around only makes it worse because it's like I'm solely responsible for her. Hell, I AM solely responsible. I'm completely out of it. I don't even know what to think. I even don't know how to think anymore.
Laters

I slept, I slept, la la la la la la! Yay! And I got enough! Like eight or ten hours. I am SO relieved. And rested. And I feel so much better.
Okay, I have to go throw a little antichrist in bed. We're going out to a movie later, and I want her not to be cranky when we do.
Laters

Still going with the sleep deprivation thing. I just can't fall asleep for hours and then as soon as I get to sleep something wakes me up. It's been what? Ten days now? Yeah, that sounds about right. At maybe half an hour a day-and that's possibly overestimating-we'll go with five, six hours in ten days.
Anyway, I'm definitely sleeping tonight. And if I don't, I'll call the doctor in the morning. Actually, I'll probably do that anyway. Yay, more pills! (Can ya see the sarcasm dripping off those words?)
Yeah.
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So we'll go with "I am a heinous bitch" for a thousand, Alex. *sigh* I'm petty, I'm mean. I'm destructive and demanding. I'm quick to anger. I cuss and fight and am HORRIBLE when I'm angry. I'm moody. I'm bipolar. I'm even schizophrenic. And that's why I've been kicked out of every home I've ever known.
I don't think Fire Opal knows what he's getting himself into. But he'll find out. Oh, yes he will.
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Ya know, I call Amethyst the antichrist. But in general she's a really good kid. Which is why I just do NOT understand the last few days. She's been fussy and screamy and tantrumy. Whenever I put her to bed-or down for a nap-she screams for 'grammy' or 'papa' or 'Stormy'. And kicks her little legs and flails her little arms and flops her little body around. I mean throws a FIT. And I thought it was because she needed mommy attention, that she hasn't been getting enough of me. Until I realized that I've been spending MORE time with her, not less. And I've been taking her out to do the things that SHE likes to do and spoiling her rotten and hugging her and kissing her and playing with her and reading to her and singing to/with her. So she throws fits? And I give in. I don't LIKE her being all screamy and fussy. Until today when I just had it. I threw her in the bathtub and gave her a cold shower. It's what works for her. And she calmed down and went to bed without a problem when I talked to her about why I did that and she told me that she knew she'd done wrong and that she was sorry. I just love that we can kinda work things out between the two of us. Since for the time being it IS just the two of us. Not forever, though, and she'll have to adjust to that. Hell, so will I. But I think I'll like it. I know I will.
Okay, I'm rambling. *sigh* Stupid sleep deprivation.
Laters

Hmmmm...
So Slate signed and (hopefully) faxed the application for my apartment today. Yay! I get an apartment! All by myself! Well, with Amethyst, but the point is that I'll be responsible for myself instead of dependent on anyone. And Amethyst gets to be dependent on me because she's four.
Anyway, I DID sleep last night. For two hours. And I woke up worse because no sleep is better than little sleep. And then I had to drive. I'm amazed I survived it now that I come to think about it. Hell, I could barely see straight. So I'm definitely sleeping tonight. In theory, at any rate.
And I've got a headache all of a sudden. And it's time to put a little antichrist down for a nap.
Laters

I still really have nothing to say, but I thought I'd ramble on about it for a while anyways. At least until Fire Opal gets back online.
Okay, so. My dad talked to Amethyst for like two hours yesterday. While I was being all sick and trying to sleep. She's the most adorable little girl EVER! And she LOVES talking. She doesn't even care about what. Just that she has something to say and someone to listen. She's beautiful, too. And she knows it. You'd know it, too, if you've checked out her pictures. She's SUCH a ham for the camera.
Oh, and now he's back.
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La la la la la la!
But that's just because I'm so sleep deprived that my brain doesn't work anymore and I have nothing to say.
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I need to be touched and held and kissed and hugged. That's probably why I make Amethyst hug me more than she maybe wants to. It's bad enough that the poor kid has to deal with having me as a mother, now she has to make up for the fact that I'm not getting any.
I feel drunk. Only more so. Not sleeping in a week apparently has that effect on me.
And I'm grumpy and I'm irritable and I really wish I could sleep. But I can't.
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So maybe I haven't been sleeping. At all. I've been TRYING to sleep, it just hasn't been happening. It takes me forever to GET to sleep and then once I finally do, I only get about half an hour before the bitch starts knocking on my door. *sigh* I guess I don't want to sleep anyway, all I have are nightmares anymore. And it's really frustrating and upsetting because I KNOW what would make me sleep peacefully. It's just that I don't feel safe. That's what I dream about-people hurting me. Men hurting me physically, women stabbing me in the back emotionally and mentally. People suck. People REALLY suck. Most of them can go take a flying leap, but there are SOME I need, some I can't live without.
I'm so...
Whatever.
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I feel better. But two hours of sleep in six days isn't enough.
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And I might TASTE pretty good, too, except there's no one around to appreciate THAT.
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On the bright side at least I'm CLEAN and upset. And I smell really good.
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Nothing and nothing and nothing. And then more nothing. Yet I still can't accept it. Can I help it if I want more that nothing? That I really do SUCK at the whole patience thing? That I'm greedy for eternity to start NOW? Apparently I'm supposed to.
I'm not healthy. People don't think like this, or if they do they shouldn't. And I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm feeling, either. All I know is what I'm MISSING. And that's everything. Because that's how much I've lost.
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For nearly five hours I've been sitting in the dark staring at the wall. So now I'm going to go take a bath.
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I'm all alone. As per usual, but I shouldn't be alone today. Not today.
And I'm despondent and not a little bit pissy. I can't and don't DO anything. The things I used to take for granted are now considered a luxery. And it's only going to get worse living on my own. So why do I keep hoping things will get better? Why do I hope so much for so many things that will never be mine? And why, knowing this, can't I just stop hoping?
Laters

I haven't slept in like...five days? I dunno, I have no concept of time. I almost feel like I'm drunk with all this sleep deprivation. But at least I finally ate last night. After like five days again. Oops.
Anyway, I did go out with Plum last night and we saw a really enjoyable movie and had an overall good time. AND he loved my present so it's all good.
And then I came home and Fire Opal was all freaky so I got all freaky, but I was really horny, too, and I really like it when guys are sexually aggressive. And then he and I worked it all out and got back to the lovies. But I was still really horny. Still am, actually. *sigh* It's been too long since I've had sex. And even longer since I've made love. And to have both at the same time and have it be GOOD? DAMN, I'd like that. And so I wait for that. But it doesn't make me any less horny right NOW. I really want to be controlled, to be commanded, to be his SLAVE. I REALLY need him.
And right now I'm just really freaky. I had a horrible dream and woke up all scared. And then the bitch was pounding on my door-DRUNK at whatever time in the morning-and I had to go watch her kids because she's inept. But at least she apologized for Thanksgiving and the way she acted. Which doesn't really make me hate her any less, but it DOES make it easier to tolerate her for the next month and a half. Since she lives so close and all.
Anyway, I need to be consoled. I need to be held and coddled and hugged and kissed and touched and told that everything will be okay and that no one's ever going to hurt me again. I need to feel safe, to be wrapped in his arms and shielded from the world. And so I wait for that, too.
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Ah, my poor blog. One of these days I'll get around to writing a letter of apology to it.
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*sigh*
More doctors, more tests. I don't wanna go, but it's kinda necessary. Dernit.
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I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know how to act or even REact. I don't know what to SAY, I don't know what to DO. I'm completely lost and confused, and I don't like it. And I'm scared.
And I'm also done.
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Fuck a duck.
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And of course when *I* get upset or sad or freaky, I have to console HIM.
I know that a relationship is hard work. But why can't it be difficult in a way I UNDERSTAND?
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*sigh* And yes, I know I'm beginning to start with that more and more. Deal.
I think there's something seriously fucked up with me. Despite the goddamned happy pills. I go from overflowing with love to being consumed by lust to being really fucking depressed. In the space of like five minutes.
Whatever. I'm going to go.
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Oh, and since I'm a chocoholic, I thought I'd include a link to this: http://www.acme.com/chocolate/. You can find me under "Candi Clemens"-or my real name, if you happen to know it. Which not many people do, I go by Candi almost exclusively anymore. Anyway, the point is "Get me some chocolate, dammit."
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I think there are points at which I'd rather just be stupid and unaware of anything.
Anyway, I talked to Fire Opal last night. I used the last of my minutes, trying to get him to go to sleeep. And I don't know if it worked because he didn't talk. *sigh* I'm all confused. I like talking to him, I love letting him hear my voice and telling him I love him. And I don't think he owes me anything, I enjoy doing things for him, I love him. It's just...also, I want him to talk to me. I'm not saying that he owes me that because I've talked to him so many times, I'm not even saying "if he loved me, he'd talk to me". I'm not, I'm REALLY not. I just don't understand why he doesn't, why he hasn't, why he won't. Am I wrong? Am I horrible for being selfish and needy and wanting him so badly to be mine? Why CAN'T I be selfish? Every once in a while, just for a little thing or two? I do so much for everyone else. And I'm-again-not saying that anyone owes me anything because I do so much for them. I guess I'm just saying I wish more people were more like me, more giving and generous without wanting all those things back. But AM I like that? Am I all giving and generous? When all I'm thinking right now is wanting those things back, wanting people to treat me the same way? I don't think of things like that when I DO them, when I AM giving to people. It's just that later I remember that I DID and then I guess it enters my mind that they should do the same for me. I don't even know. Whatever, at this point. The fact of the matter is that I DO give to people and I DON'T get in return. And I still love them, and I'll still give, and I still won't understand. But I'll have to accept. Is the way of things.
I'm done rambling.
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*sigh*
I'm sad. Despondent, even. Fire Opal never remembers that I love him and Slate is for some reason being a complete asshole to me. And I don't know why for either one of them.
Whatever.
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I TRIED to get enough sleep! REALLY, I did! It's just that the phone rang and Amethyst was hungry and I'd had a nightmare...of course, fifteen hours in five days is probably a little unhealthy. So I'mma try to go back to sleep.
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I take immense pleasure in making Fire Opal want me. I know how to do it, too. First of all, *I* like thinking of him like that, and thinking of what *I* want to do to help him with it. Second, I like him thinking about ME that way-because once he gets a taste of the real thing, he'll want to go back to the fantasy. And third, I want him to want me so badly he can't STAND it, so badly he loses control-all the way to the airport. I know I shouldn't hope for that, he even said he wasn't coming. I just can't help it. I miss him and I love him and I need him. I'll TRY not to be disappointed when he DOESN'T come. But I WILL be and I KNOW I will. And then we'll get into a converment and he'll try to get me to break up with him and I won't and he'll get all irritable at me and accuse me of torturing him for whatever sick purposes *I* have...The trouble with being brilliant is that I pretty much know what's going to happen next. There's no suspense. Ah, well. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. It's just that every time we cross it my heart hurts a little more, I blame myself a little more and I hurt HIM a little more-and that I can handle least of all. Well. Regardless, I still hope.
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And you know what else? My next door neighbor is a grade F bitch. I say F because she's a FUCKING bitch. She's the most horrible, evil waste of carbon molecules I have ever met. And I've met a LOT of people. In fact, after Thanksgiving she called the guy to get HIS side of the story. THEN she called the police to tell them I was lying. All the while claiming to be my friend. That and she's a horrible mother. Seriously, whenever her kids get hurt they come knocking on MY door rather than going to their own mother. AND they're horrible children. She has to shout at them for HOURS to get them to do the simplest thing-and all I have to do is ask Amethyst once. I refuse to even consider giving her a colour-because I don't think there IS a 'heinous, evil bitch from the pits of hell'. We can refer to her as "The Bitch", though.
Anyway, enough of her. There's a bird wandering into my house to eat the food that Amethyst keeps dropping on the floor during meal times. It's really fun to watch. As long as it doesn't shit on my carpet.
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*sigh* I'm bored. And restless. And I want to talk to Fire Opal but I made him promise to get eight hours of sleep. Which means he won't be around for another two hours. Blah. Did I ever mention that I'm not a patient person?
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Ya know, one thing about my family is that we all have very unique email addresses. Which makes it easier for us to have all the same IDs on all different servers. Except for Stormy who has about a million different servers and a million different IDs. And me who has a million different servers and maybe three IDs on each. Anyway, it makes it easy to find any of my family should I ever need to. Not that they talk to me. *sigh*
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Why do I always feel like there's always something I have to FINISH before I can do anything else? Like something I have to do before I can sleep or before I can make breakfast or before flippin' ANYTHING. Why is there always that OBSTACLE between me and accomplishing anything? Between me and Fire Opal? *sigh* Life is messed up. Messed up and complicated as all hell.
Anyway, good night.
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And now it's all thundering outside. It woke Amethyst up and she needed to be held and comforted. I love holding her. I love the way she just fits in my arms, the way she snuggles close to me and wraps her little arms around me. Damn, she is just the BEST child EVER. I love her.
But the question is answered-yes, I AM afraid of thunder still. I wish someone would hold ME like that.
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I decided to take a nap while Fire Opal went to the doctor. I fell asleep as someone was getting sliced up by Freddy and awoke as someone was getting sliced up by Jason. I LOVE horror movies. Anyway, I'm awake now.
The world outside is gorgeous. It's not raining but it is lightning. I LOVE lightning. I love staring up at the sky and wondering if maybe at that moment god is taking a picture of ME. On the other hand, I've always been afraid of thunder. I haven't heard any in a while, so I don't know if I STILL am. But I think so. I just like to curl up in a little ball with a stuffed animal and have somebody rub my back and stroke my hair.
I love people playing with my hair. Brushing it and braiding it and playing with it and just touching it. I think it's totally sexy when a guy does it. Of course, most guys are totally inept at that sort of thing, jerking and pulling and hurting. And I'm incredibly tender headed. In fact, only once have I ever had a guy do it well-gently and softly and TOTALLY like...I dunno, erotically might be the word I'm looking for. Anyway, it was nice.
But my hair is all short now. Short and blonde. Yes, I went blonde. So far most people hate it. But I've only got a little time left here and when I get to Stormy she'll cover it. With red or black or whatever she feels like at the time. I had somebody knock on my door at three in the morning-a guy looking to get laid, of course-and he just about shit a brick when he saw me. Screw them all, *I* like it.
On another note, Fire Opal and I have been extremely...lusty. Horny. Whatever. And also extremely needy and clingy. Which is good and bad-bad because we're so far away from each other, good because he's got a ticket for here soon and I'm hoping with all this that he'll be on that plane. I want him to be on that plane, I NEED him to be on that plane. I need physical attention, we BOTH do. We'll just see what happens, I guess.
I hope my electricity doesn't go out. I'm still wanting to talk to Fire Opal tonight.
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You know what? I almost NEVER get on this account anymore other than to just check email and see if anyone's left me any offline messages. So whenever I DO get on it, I'm usually invisible. But today I went visible to talk to Stone-who signed off as soon as I IMed him. Asshole. Anyway, then guess who IMs ME? That's right, Argile. Pathetic waste of a human being. And you'll never GUESS what he wants. LoL. That's right, he wants to 'fool around'. I laughed at him. He didn't get it. So I told him he was welcome to take me out sometime-yes, I AM all about exploiting the weak and stupid (incredibly stupid, in this case)-because I figure he still owes me that from last time. I highly doubt he will, but if he does, hey, free movie. And then *I* can leave HIM to go 'smoke a cigarette'. Or just to leave-that being the point and all.
ANYWAY. Stone just signed in and I IMed him from my alternate identity. No surprise, he's actually talking to me.
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Oh, and might I mention that I HATE drugs? And now I'm on...three pain killers, calcium supplements, happy pills, birth control-well, I stopped taking it this week because it's my 'actively female' week anyway and because I want a baby with Fire Opal whenever he shows up. Something which I hope happens soon because my 'actively female' times are BAD when I'm not on the birth control-they last forever, they're irregular, and they're INCREDIBLY painful. Anyway, the point is that I'm NOT a druggy person. Until recently. Now I think if you pricked me I might have a little blood in my drugs. *sigh* Again.
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Ah, doctors. I don't mind doctors. And I've always been a good patient, even as a child. The thing with doctors is that at this point I'm really kinda sick of them. All they ever do is either tell me it's no big deal and give me drugs or sit around looking perplexed and give me MORE drugs. *sigh* So more drugs it is. Well, more drugs and the recommendation that I don't chew gum anymore-something which I rarely did anyway. And they had to go through YEARS of schooling for that? Oh, well. At least they aren't insisting on cutting me open and messing with my innards.
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So I got to stay up all night talking to Fire Opal after all. And now I have to get dressed and go to the doctor.
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*sigh* I'm all bored. I took a late nap with Amethyst so that I could stay up and talk to Fire Opal all night-fire opal being my love's colour. But he's all freaky and tired so he went to bed. So I'm all bored. And I'm not feeling smart enough to play my word game. And I'm terribly lonely and needing to be held. And I have a headache. And I wish I could just sleep but I'm not in the least sleepy. Whatever.
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I didn't post at all on April Fool's Day. I didn't DO anything for April Fool's Day. But my theory is that all month is April-and everyone's a fool. Well, a fool and my victim. Hehehehehe. Anyway.
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Good night.
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