I just came across this:

"A is for asphyxiation you don't get your breath
B is for the bible that keeps your darkest depth
C is for your cock wich I squash beneath my shoe,
while I watch you wiggle and laugh at you
D is for my dildo that you will learn to blow
E is for your enema, I control the flow
F is for my flogger, I whip you so violent
G is for the gag in place to keep your screaming silent
H is for humiliation that you must bear
I will imobilize you in my sexual lair
J is for your jizzing, jerking tendancy
K for kisses
L for love, and licks you all for me
M is for the manacles emprisoned in your feet
N is for your name I mumble oh baby so sweet
O is for the O-ring holding you in place
P is for the persperation dripping down your face
Q is for the quark I use to whip your eager ass
R is for restraints to make the magic last
S is for sweet suffering that only you will know
T is for the torment that keeps you on the go
U is for unbridaled love that only I control,
as I claim for my own your body, mind and soul
V is for vicious urge to strugle in vain,
while I tease and tantalize you and erotisise your brain
W is where the whiny woman walks
X is for excruciating X rated talk
Y is for the yo yo I dangle on a string,
watch you yell and holler with all the pleasure that it brings
Z is for the zestfulness with which you will submit,

Twinkle twinkle little slut, now I spank your naughty butt
Once I've warmed it you will cry, and I'll wipe your teary eye
Don't forget the lessons learned or your rumpsticks will be burned.
Ba ba black sheep in my school,
you'll be short of all your rule
a lesson in submission another in pain,
after graduation things will never be the same."

Half of me: "Where do I sign up?"
The other half: "What the fuck is WRONG with me??"

Laters

"Two weeks away it feels like the whole world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time
I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but
I wanna see you again"

"I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
I couldn't help her
I just watch her make
The same mistakes again
What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home but nobody's home
That's where she lies broken inside
No place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes broken inside
Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reason why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs
Her feeling she hides
Her dream she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place
She's lost inside, lost inside
She's lost inside, lost inside"

"Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look, here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh, how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool"

"Your words won't save me now
I'm at the edge feeling the sweat drip for my brow
Get a grip on yourself is what they say
Ever hour everyday
Hands over my ears, i've been screaming all these years
When i die will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
It's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death
When we build these dreams on sand
How they all slip through our hands
This may be our only chance
Let's take this one day at a time
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine
The time that we kill keeps us alive
We came in search of answers
We left empty handed again
Shots fired into the sky are now returning
Where the fuck will you hide?"

"Well do you wanna talk about it,
Do you think you'd understand,
How things can get so fucked up
With such good intentions.
And if roofs turn to sky,
Held by the gravity of nothing,
An ironic and literal making of a bed.
You know, you can walk away,
But there is a reason to stay.
They make bad bad jokes,
It's okay not to laugh.
For every push forward,
You get the same fucking push back.
You had nowhere to go,
So you found someplace,
You have to say you start lying
What the fuck were you thinking?
I'm not sorry...
I'd do it all again.
All the lines between hate, love, and revenge"

"I can tell that you're watching me
And you're probably gonna write what you didn't see
Well, I just need a little space to breathe
Can you please respect my privacy
Why can't you just let me
Do the things I wanna do
I just wanna be me
I don't understand why
Would you wanna bring me down when
I'm only having fun
I'm gonna live my life (not the way you want me to)"

Just a few things that coincide with what I've been thinking.
Laters

Jesus fucking CHRIST!
Oh, wait. First Happy Halloween. I took Amethyst trick-or-treating and she came home with enough candy to keep her on a suger high until christmas. Gotta love it.
Okay, back to the jesus fucking CHRIST! Raven. Of course Raven. He says he loves me. He says it was a mistake to let (make) me go. He says he's buying a house and coming for me. I can't handle this. Not just for me, either. I am NOT going to put Amethyst in that situation just to yank her back out again. And I can't trust him. More than just the financial stability-which I need and now have independent from him-what happens the next time he gets depressed or whatever the hell it was that was wrong with him? I just think it's a bad idea. But...I loved him. Do I still? God, this is so confusing. When I talk to him-and I have-it's like I'm there again. But I refuse to acknowledge it. Not until certain requirements are met. I have to get out of debt-the debt he helped create-and if I have to do it on my own it will take a while. And if I have to do it on my own, I can't trust him to take care of me financially. So many promises, so much time spent (wasted?) with him. We went through so much together and he just threw it away. But now he's SORRY *note the sarcasm*. Oh, well. If he's SORRY that makes it all go away. I am now unhurt. I am now unbroken. I am now unlost.
No, wait...
Laters

I got this phone call when I was sixteen. Undoubtedly some horny loser of a guy, but I remember it. I was young when I was sixteen. Younger than you'd think. Younger than I should have been. And naive. And so inexperienced I was still just a child.
But this phone call...why do I remember it? Because it was somewhat of a first for me. A...well, not awakening, more of an alert to what was already going on. With me. With my body.
It was a wrong number. And I don't really remember any of the conversation, only that it turned me on-though I wouldn't have known the term then-and that it lasted for a couple of hours. I remember he claimed to be a photographer. I have no clue as to the validity of his claim, but it led to a very interesting discussion. Vague impressions of hands all over me and a throbbing between my legs and suggestions of semi-nude pictures. And one very strong impression-and I have no idea why THIS detail of all things has stuck with me for so long-of a...hell, I don't know any other term for it than "butt massage".
Back then I didn't know terms like "horny" or "turned on" or even "missionary and reverse missionary". But that's what I was. Horny. Turned on. Fucking hot. And eager. Very eager.
Nothing came of it, but that's about when I became obsessed with sex. Yes, I'd had some "experiences" earlier in life-two of note would be when I was eight (some light sex play with my sibling-and I can't believe I just shared that publicly, it's like my most closely guarded secret-not to mention embarrassing as all hell/and when I was about twelve-at youth church camp no less-swimming in the pool and coming across those air release things and rubbing my crotch against it-but those were just curiousity things. Well, now that I think about it, maybe my 'interest' in sex came from the twelve-year-old thing and my 'obsession' came from the sixteen-year-old thing. Doesn't really matter either way.
So now I'm still obsessed with it. Why? I like to fuck. I just do. And when I get horny I expect to find someone to help me take care of it. And there have been plenty of willing guys over the years. Even now I have a fuckbuddy. And a...bizarre encounter buddy.
So what's wrong? I'm horny as hell, I can't really masturbate, and my fuckbuddy has to get up early in the morning. *sigh* I don't like delayed gratification. I'm horny NOW goddammit.

Okay, that's the end of that lovely segment of today's superfluous rant. On to the next segment, CHARGE!

I have these...fantasies. Of being dominated. Completely. I wanted that with Raven, but it won't happen. At least I don't think it will. He allowed me too much control over him right from the outset. I don't respect him as a Dom. I love him-for some strange, fucked up reason that I couldn't even BEGIN to guess at-but obey him? Why should I when I had him wrapped around my little finger? Why should I when I know I can get away with anything?
And now there's this guy. The one from Wednesday, remember? He commands. He commands my attention by commanding me. I went over to his place again on Thursday, and he had me do things. Only to please him. And I did please him, and it was awesome. And the best part was that he told me I did really good. And that if I continue to do really good, I'll get what I want-which is to fuck him. No, to have him fuck me. Why? He commands. He orders. He says I obey well. He lets me please him, and lets me know that I'm pleasing him. He knows to tell me what to do, not to ask. If he ever asked-anything-I would refuse. But he doesn't. When we talk online he says "call me" and when I ask why I get the response of "when I want you to call, I'll tell you to call". When I tell him I want him to fuck me he says "that's up to me, not you". When I do something only half-assed, he says "I didn't tell you to act like a fucking child, now DO it". He's had me on my knees, his cock in my mouth. I don't even think of stopping when I'm in pain, and when he tells me that he expect me to swallow every drop, I do so without thinking, without complaint. He holds my hair back and has me look at him while I'm sucking his dick. He makes me look him in the eyes, though he knows how uncomfortable I am with that. I am rewarded with praise and promises of future contact. At one point on Thursday I wanted to ask him if he knew what he did to me. If he knew how hot he makes me, if he knew how much I enjoy myself with him. I wanted to ask him if he knew that I'd do anything he told me to. ANYTHING. And not just then, not just relating to the bedroom. If he knew that I could be completely his, his whore, his concubine, his slave. And all he'd have to do is tell me to. All he'd have to do is let me know he wanted it. Even if he didn't have any emotional attachment to me at all. Even if he ordered me not to have emotional attachment to him. I just WANT that. The domination, the control. And all he'd have to do is say the word.
Of course, I mentioned something about him not being safe and he asked and I said I'd rather not tell him and he didn't really PUSH it but made it clear that he wanted to know and would be disappointed if I didn't tell him and I blabbed about the whole worried about emotional attachment to him and even though we still got together that night he's been avoiding me ever since. Ah, well.
I don't have emotional attachment to him. I have an addiction for him right now. And I don't know if I'd develop one for him. I DO know that the potential is there.

But I still have weird little fantasies about Raven. Well, maybe not exactly fantasies, but interesting little scenarios that play through my mind and I'm not really sure I'd like or not. Like him crawling through my window and beating me and hurting me and calling me a bitch and telling me I'm his and he won't let me go and...I dunno. Making sure I know that I belong to him? Making sure I know that I fucked up and he's not going to stand for it? Of course, if that happened right now I might just laugh in his face. Not that it would stop him from kicking the shit outta me, but at least we'd both know I'm only physically dominated by him and hell, me as weak as I am, anyone could do THAT. On the other hand...maybe I'd submit completely. Maybe I'd be his as totally as I want to be.

Ah, this is long winded enough. And just talking about the guy...my body shivers and I'm going to have to change my panties because of the juices of even thinking about it.
So I'm going to bed. Because I'm tired. And horny as FUCK. And not able to do anything about it.
Laters

And just for spite:

(raven: please do not post any more of our conversations to your blog. it isnt anyone elses business.
sapphire: it's MY business
sapphire: and I'll thank you to stay the fuck out of it
raven: later)

Laters

If he loves me, why didn't he leave well enough alone?

(raven : hello.
sapphire: hello
raven : no date tonight?
sapphire: no
sapphire: not seeing your wife tonight?
raven : i dont have a wife
sapphire: how'd you get out
sapphire: I fucking hate you, you goddamned liar
raven : i got out because its mccurtain county
sapphire: why?
raven : why what?
sapphire: no, actually, I don't give a fuck
raven : why did i make you go?
raven : because we were going to kill eachother
sapphire: I fucking hate you
raven : then hate me.
raven : it doesnt change the fact that i love you and could not let what i saw happening go on
sapphire: and it didn't occur to you to make the situation better? like maybe get a job, stop hanging around with your wife, stop getting drunk and acting like a goddamned asshole?
sapphire: I was here a week and had two jobs
raven : i got drunk both times because it was the only way i could stand to do it
sapphire: you liar
raven : what ever
raven : what do you want me to do with the rest of your things and where are my wizards and my sword
sapphire: I needed you and I trusted you and you fucking lied
sapphire: send me the rest of my things, I don't have your goddamned wizards and I don't know where your sword it
sapphire: is
raven : where are the wizards then if you dont have them
sapphire: I don't know
sapphire: unless they were in one of the boxes that I haven't gone through
raven : ok what did you do with them?
sapphire: I didn't do anything with them
sapphire: I just grabbed shit and left. you said you hated me. you didn't love me. you broke me again and you promised not to and I love you SO MUCH and I just haven't been thinking about you, hoping you'll fall off the face of the earth so I'd never have to think about you again
sapphire: because I'm sick of crying and hurting
raven : i love you and that is why i had to stop what was happening but you will never believe that and if i had told you that then you wouldnt have gone.
raven : i had to get you pissed and hurt enough to go
sapphire: why
raven : because it was killing us both
sapphire: you
sapphire: not it
sapphire: YOU were killing us
sapphire: and you just gave up
sapphire: YOU were the one who said that there are going to be problems in every relationship and not to run at the first sign of them
sapphire: you fucking coward
raven : i ran because i would catch myself thinking that it would be better if i just killed us both and got it over with
sapphire: why didn't you just get a fucking JOB?
raven : i ran because i knew that something like that was coming if i didnt
raven : that wasnt the fucking problem
raven : that was a simptom
sapphire: you ran because you're a weak, impotent child. you ran because you aren't competent enough to be in a relationship. you ran because you were fucking scared.
sapphire: I'd rather hate you
{and here I signed out}
raven : i ran because i love you and didnt want that to go on.
raven : and i still love you
raven : if you want to talk you know where i am.

And then:

raven: well?
sapphire: no, fuck that
sapphire: that should be MY question
sapphire: well?
raven: i am going on a three week job monday and after i finish that i will bring you the rest of your things.
raven: if you want
sapphire: I want you to pay off all the bills you helped run up. instead of ducking out like I expect you will
raven: ok
raven: hows rowan?
sapphire: fuck you
sapphire: don't ask about my daughter
sapphire: don't you fucking DARE
raven: too late
raven: i dare
sapphire: on the way out of town she asked why there were only two seats and where was daddy going to sit
raven: im sorry
sapphire: go to hell
raven: if i could have found a way to fix it so that that wouldnt have had to hapen i would have
raven: and i am already in hell
sapphire: good. I can't think of a person who deserves it more
{and here I signed out}
raven: i dont think there is a person who deservs it more.
raven has signed out. (10/29/2004 7:50 PM))

Fucking liar.
Laters

Oh, Jesus. Thursday was safe. Fun, no strings. Tonight...tonight wasn't safe. I'm going to form an emotional attachment to this guy, something that wouldn't happen with his friend from Thursday. Even now I think of the way he looked at me and the things he said as much as how he touched me. My body shivers thinking about the latter. My heart skips thinking about the formers.
Fuck.
I'm going to get in trouble.
Again.
Laters

Oh, and in case you didn't catch on, I didn't end up going to bed last Thursday. I stayed out and fucked all night. Now THAT was fun.
Laters

It's not a disease. It's not curable. I am the way that I am. I like 'him' to be aggressive. I want 'him' to order me, command me, dominate me. I want to hurt, I LOVE to hurt. I love to fuck. I want to fuck the friend of the guy I fucked on Thursday. I want to fuck them together-or rather, have them both fuck me.
No, I don't know why. Do I care? No, I don't. I just AM.
And it's not going to change.
Not soon.
Laters

*sigh* I found out today that Raven's still in jail. I also found out that I don't care. I loved him because he loved me. Or I allowed myself to believe I loved him because I believed he loved me. God, I'm an emotional retard.
Anyway, I had a date today. Lunch, casual, relaxed. We talked politics-not the best topic of conversation for a first date, but it was okay. And then he kissed me. I liked it. Because I like him. Or because I'm desperate for attention and am pretty much a makeout whore.
And right now I'm exhausted. I had an interview this morning that went really well-I even think I'll get the job. All in all, a good day. But sleepy now.
So g'night.
Laters

"Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry
Watching the days that pass me by..."

I can't stop thinking. Or crying. I'm trying to write, here, trying to figure it all out, get it all out of my head. And I'm only more confused. And psychotic. And sad.
What's going on here? In my head?
FUCK!!!
Seems to be the word of the week.
Laters

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about...everything. Mostly him. Does he read this? Is he even out? Goddammit, I didn't even get a farewell. Just an overheard "I'm not coming back until she's gone." And the last thing I said to him was "I'll be gone by tomorrow." And I was. And here I am.
Fuck it, everything's making me cry. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be with him. Aren't I? Wasn't I?
And Amethyst...she loves him. She doesn't ask me about him too often; she knows it hurts me to talk about it. She'll start to say something about "daddy" and then just back off. Riding out of town, she asked "Why are there only two seats; where's daddy gonna sit?" What could I say? "Daddy and I had a fight, and he's not coming with us." Her reply: "Are we ever going to see him again?" Fuck it, I don't know. I don't even know if I want to. I don't if he doesn't love me anymore. I do, though. Really, even then I do. God.
My brothers are shits. Fucking losers, really. Older just got a crap job at a gas station. Younger works at a restaurant. Both have been living with my parents and paying no rent for years. And as soon as I get here, I'm expected to do all the chores and pay rent. What if I don't fucking want to? Or rather, if *I* have to, why don't THEY? I'm not even fully CAPABLE of helping, not with my back the way it is. But they're both healthy, young. Fuck them. Goddamned losers.
I need sleep. I need...pain. Yes, pain. To be hurt, beat, cut, tied. Why am I like this? Why doesn't he love me? Why DID he love me, and how did he lose it? I want to call him, hear his voice. Maybe just hang up, maybe...I don't know. Cry? That's what I'd end up doing.
Stormy was right. I'll live the rest of my life with a man-just the man will keep changing. Probably worded better than my sleep deprived mind can remember.
I can't DO this anymore. Love just to lose. But I can't NOT love. Maybe I do need to check myself into a psych ward, as my mother suggests.
"I'd rather have never loved, than loved and lost. Feeling like this isn't worth it."
Laters

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
I had a huge, I mean HUGE, long post and fucking lost it. Goddammit.
Okay, short summary.
Fucked up family, especially little brother, who's a dickhead.
Missing and loving and wondering about Raven. Is he out of jail? Did he lie? DOES he love me? Will he show up outside my window at midnight? Beat me (please), hurt me (yes), take me away (if only)...
And I'm fucked up.
And going to bed.
Fucking lost post.
Laters

I called yesterday and had the charges dropped. Well, I had to fax them a letter requesting that the charges be dropped, but I think without me they pretty much have to be. Right? Anyway, I don't know. And I don't want to call his mom or the jail to find out-at his mom's what if he answers? And what would I say? "I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry"??? What about HIM saying that to ME? Never happen.
Never, ever happen.
*sigh*
Job interview Sunday. Wouldn't it be kewl if I got a job within a week of being here and my loser brothers haven't in...how many years? Five? Or so? And what kinda pisses me off is that my loser brothers have been mooching-LEECHING-off my parents all these years but as soon as I show up I'm expected to "contribute". What the FUCK??? No, I don't mind contributing (doing chores, paying rent, buying my own food, etc.), but it's way too hypocritical. *I* have a kid. I have a REASON not to "contribute". And my brothers have new cell phones and game systems and DVD players and cable internet. I have nothing. I'm in debt up to my ears, and I have no transportation, no skills, no training, no education. Yeah, it pisses me off.
And I'm not the kind of girl to "keep it to myself".
Laters

I miss him. God, I miss him. I called the jail today to see if he's still there and how he was doing and all they'd tell me was that yes, he was still there and nothing else. *sigh* What am I doing to myself? The man doesn't love me. The feeling isn't mutual.
I also tried to call and have the charges dropped today, but it's a holiday (Columbus or some other bullshit) so I couldn't. I'm not even sure I can do it over the phone, but I'm going to try. I couldn't do it Friday because I was too busy trying to get all my shit together to come up here. Fuck, he's going to kill me. I almost wish he would.
And there's not much else going on. I got a Nano Baby-my little brother and I are actually getting along, and he got it for me. When I was in high school I had one and my husband would constantly steal it and beat it to death. Gotta love the "discipline" button. And the male species' sense of humour.
Laters

"Hopeless now I've fallen
Into the void that consumes me
My sanity is slipping now
Out of my hand and into nothing
There was once a place that I could go
To escape the pain of this life
But now that place is long gone
The name of that place is you
Why don't you love me?
Why must I care?
Why can't I hate you?
Or end this pain forever?
Dead inside, I suffer
Inside this tomb you've carved for me
No one comes to comfort me
No one comes to save my tears
Why don't you love me?
Why must I care?
Why can't I hate you?
Or end this pain forever?
Why don't you love me?
Why must I care?
Why can't I hate you?
Or end this suffering?"

My brother wrote that. Sung it to me just now. Long time ago for him. Now for me.
Why doesn't he love me? What did I do wrong? Even now I can think of a hundred things, a thousand. But none that would stop me loving. Is that what stopped him? Any of it? All of it? What was the straw that broke me?
I always thought that love-LOVE, not the simulation of it disguised by lust-was forever. How did he fall out of love? Or was he never in it? Fuck, I don't know.
I shouldn't care.
But I do.
Oh, I do.
Laters

Well, I'm here. Took me long enough, but I'm at my parent's house. And they're thrilled to see me (even more to see Amethyst), and glad that I made it and am now safe. They don't really get why I left, though. Not because of the hitting-fuck that, it was part of our relationship, a generally consensual part. I left because he doesn't love me anymore. Anything else I could-and would, and have-put up with.
Speaking of the "I loved you" thing, though. Something terribly bizarre happened. Stormy (my sister who pretty much abhores Raven) brought up the point that he might have said that for one of two (or possibly both) reasons: A} he knew it was the one thing that would hurt me the worst and/or B} he knew that he couldn't really take care of me and was trying to do the right thing by me, letting me get things together on my own. Neither one of which I'd thought about. I tend to take people at face value-what you say is what you mean (or so I generally believe). And now it's in my head. And he's still in my heart.
Fuck, I'm tired of hurting like this.
Laters

God, I'm a mess. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't help but miss him and hope he's okay. And wonder if it was just the alcohol talking-I don't want to leave him. I love him. Shit. I wasn't supposed to. But I do.
What's to become of me?
Laters
(Yeah, I know, whine whine whine. It's my way.)
Laters - for real this time

I could have taken anything. Anything but that.
Those vile words, the hatred implicite in the thought. "I loved you." Loved. Past tense. Drunken stupor?
Ah, my fragile heart. After all this...I thought I'd found some stability. A year...not even my record, actually. Three with Ruby.
I thought...I don't know what I thought. But nothing this sudden. Nothing this...tragic.
My poor baby girl. How willingly and ably she adapts to all the shit I put her through. I've got to be a better mother. I've got to finally be worthy of her.
Laters

I am no longer owned. I am no longer loved.
It's the last that's got me going.
Laters

Oh, and sex again this morning. Whoopie (*note the sarcasm).
Sex on my period isn't the greatest of experiences. For one thing, too much lubrication has a dulling effect on whatever sensations I might experience.
Another thing to talk about in detail later:
Asking permission to orgasm-like it/like it not; the pros and cons.
Laters

What the FUCK!!!
Does "I love you" mean anything to him? Obviously not. Neither does "please", apparently. He doesn't respect anything I say. Ever. Right now he's over at his ex-wife's place, drinking and playing around on her computer and god only knows what else. And I'm just supposed to sit here and take it. Just sit here and grin and never say anything. Ever.
Fuck that.
Fuck this.
We had a discussion earlier, spurred on by one of these online D/s sites and this stupid woman with her retarded story (which is a side point, I'll put the link up if I ever find it again). I agreed that he's not physically abusive to me (other than once, which, again, is another story). But he's emotionally abusive on a regular basis. And when I pointed that out to him, all he said was that he'd never done so intentionally. So fucking WHAT?!? He's never intentionally tried NOT to, either-a thing he points out to me on frequent occasions when I accidentally screw up in some way. Screw up according to him, that is.
And through all this, I stay. I say "Okay, I'll bend over and take it up the ass one more time" (figuratively, we've only done that literally a few times, and it's not my favourite thing). Why? Why do I stay and suffer through his bullshit? Simple: I believe he loves me. Does he? Only he knows. He sure as shit doesn't show very often-and I'm not talking about just fucking either.
It's not that I want to be coddled and treated like a spoiled child. I mean, yes, I would like to be spoiled in some ways, but mostly that's my attention hungry addiction. It's that I want to be respected as well as loved. Respect is not something I receive from him. So why should he receive it from me?
I hate this whole fucking situation.
So what am I going to do about it?
"Okay, I'll bend over and take it up the ass one more time."
Laters

Okay, now Candi has a new toy. *Huge Grin*
Photos. Damn, do you have ANY idea how many photos I've got? Of Amethyst alone they number in the hundreds.
Fuck I'm going to have to use another blog just for pictures.
Laters

I like ink.
Laters

This is the tattoo on my left breast. There's also one on my right. And my right shoulder. And right ankle. And left palm. And left ring finger. And two on the right side of my neck. And one on my left shoulder blade. 

Oh, and about the sex thing:
If I didn't know for a fact that this is the same man who went six times in twenty four hours, I'd maybe start to think that we were on our way to setting some sort of record for the month.
Maybe I'm just TOO horny of a bitch.
Whatcha think?
Laters

Sex last night. Well, early this morning. After all the fighting and emotional upset. And it was painful. Odd kinda painful, though. Not really something I've experienced before, but it was quieter than most anything else-balled up fist punching. Now I'm sore as hell and bruised on the inside. But it was good. Violent, but not...I dunno. Not violent enough? Or maybe not revealing enough. I'm not sure exactly what word I'm looking for there. I think it's just that it wasn't enough of getting everything out, all our mutual frustrations and angers. Mostly because we had to be so damned quiet. Not because of Amethyst-not only does she sleep in the living room, but I swear that child could sleep through a parade of seventy six trombones, fifty eight drums, ninety clarinets, assorted brass, string, and wind instruments, and Armageddon itself-but because of his mother.
God, we really need our own fucking place.
Laters

"Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for you."
Damn skippy. Supporting him while he wasn't working? Not good enough. Living in his mother's house? Not good enough. Paying all the bills even to the detriment of myself and my daughter? Not good enough. The very LITTLE sex I've been getting? Not good enough.
But that's all my fault. Of course. Because of who and what I am. Nothing I do is good enough for him either. Supporting him, making sure there's enough gas in the truck for him to do his futile running around, making sure he has cigarettes-even if I have to tone down my own smoking-being HERE, in hell, with him. None of it means a goddamned thing. And still, it's all my fault. And still, nothing changes.
No one has ever made me cry like this.
Laters

Sex this morning. Woke me up with it, which is just about the best way I can think to wake up, don't you think? Fun, too. Not as violent as I like it, but I think I preferred it that way because of the whole being asleep thing. Then, this afternoon, he fingered me to orgasm. I liked that. Clitoral stimulation does give the most intense orgasms, wouldn't you agree?
Anyway, just about as soon as we were done with that, Amethyst and his nieces showed up. Perfect timing. Might have been the slightest bit awkward otherwise. Not that we haven't done that sort of thing with Amethyst in the room (occupied with other things, of course), but she's a little young to know what all that movement under the covers means. His seventeen and ten year old nieces probably aren't that clueless.
And now I'm just kinda playing around on the computer while Amethyst does her homework. Kindergarten. Damn, where did the last five years go?

Okay, now on to other things. The real reason I sat down to write this just now. Dreams. I remember them when I awaken. Flights of fancy, memories, tragedy. All on the same theme. I can't handle it. Not anymore.
Ruby. Who was he? Who is he? Where and what and on and on...
Laters

Things to remember to talk about in detail later:
Airing dirty laundry-and his own tendency to do so.
Leeching-and his acceptance of it until it's pointed out.
"Making up my mind"-about the stupidest, most ridiculous bullshit.
Spending money on shit he wants to do-then complaining when I spend less than a tenth of that amount on shit that *I* want to do.
Me taking care of everything (bills, money, selling MY shit, feeding us, etc.)-while he sits on his ass and "thinks about things", making plans that are so outrageous and impossible that they will never bear fruit.
Doing things at the last second-but expecting me to keep on top of everything all the damned time.
The way HE keeps bringing up my departure-though I less than rarely do.
"I'll do (whatever) in a minute"-three days/weeks later, it's still not done.
"Reminding (whoever) of who and what I am"-and what the fuck does he think that is?
And so much more.
Laters