Or is it with ME?
Laters

"You don't have to be alone." Raven
Yes, I do. Because when he's here with me, I'm even MORE alone. Because it shouldn't BE him. It should be FireOpal. It should be FireOpal now and FOREVER. For always. He kept saying "we have forever." But we don't. Because we don't have right NOW. And now is PART of this forever that he wants.
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SO GODDAMNED WRONG WITH HIM?!?!?!?!?!?!!!???
Laters

God.
What's going ON? Fuck a duck.
FireOpal loves me. I love him. But now he's saying that all we do is hurt each other and that the conclusion is inevitable. Which means, to him, that we'll never be together. Goddammit. Doesn't he WANT to be with me? Doesn't he want to TALK to me? What the FUCK?!? So fine. We all know what's going to happen. FireOpal will not show up-on my birthday or ever-and Raven will. And he'll move in with me. And I'll let him. Because if not FireOpal, why NOT Raven? If I can't be with the man I love, why shouldn't I at least be with one who loves me? And he does. Knowing it, and knowing that I do not and will not love him-my heart is and always will be FireOpal's-...he (Raven) still wants me. All of me. Even though he'll never get my heart. But he's willing to accept that. HE talks to me, HE comes to see me, HE fucking EXISTS! And FireOpal does not. None of the above.
I'm so sick of crying. Over a man who refuses to even be real to me.
Laters

Today is a nothing day.
Laters

*sigh*
LoL.
I'm amused by my own misery. Atomic Tangerine called last night and was amused and amazed at how I was laughing and crying at the same time. Well, I was upset. Understandably so. Well, *I* understand it. Sometimes.
And owie. I didn't take my pill last night and actually had (very little) not drug induced sleep.
Anyway, my brain isn't working.
Laters

"Oh when will I get to see you (again),
You made me wait all alone in the lonely train.
Through the endless, complicated and winding journey.
Hmm, you may think it's funny,
It's all a joke,
But you don’t know how much I cry and I choke.
Hah, me, that loser, that fool.
Shit, how can you be so cruel?
I wait, I wait and I waited some more,
Will I see you finally walking through my long-awaited door?
On second thoughts I’m wasting my time,
Guys like you should be a crime.
Love is sour, love is bitter, it is nothing like I heard,
It is stupid, it is blind, oh fuck the love stories that are spurred.

So should I leave or should I stay,
I guess time will tell, so come what may."
Edited where appropriate, rewritten where just plain dumb. Is how I feel.
Laters

From 7:30:
I fucking hate my fucking family. My parents who agree to pay my phone bill just to help get me started and then demand to fucking see the detailed bill for every single goddamned penny, THEN when Stormy calls them to ask for like thirty they offer to put three hundred into her account. When SHE fucking has a job, and I have nothing. Then Stormy decides that I don't NEED any milk for the next few days. When practically everything I have in my house that's able to be cooked requires it. Goddamned bitch. AND she can go off and take her husband and his brother to a movie but she can't even get me any fucking FOOD to eat. The bitch OWES me. A LOT. And her bastard of a husband complaining that I'M taking advantage of THEM?? FUCK that shit. I clean their house and do their dishes and laundry and take the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM from them while they squander everything and can't even HELP me? That is NOT the way a family should act. He can rot in fucking hell. All of them can.
Laters

Apparently *I* am the booty connection for married men in this area. Wonder why that is?
Laters

I just don't know what to say here anymore. Or to think in my head and thus transcribe in this space. I'm so...well, the way I always am. Confused. In love. Awake. Well, the past three days haven't been the last one. I've pretty much slept through them. Fucking drugs.
Anyway. I love FireOpal. I know I don't have to say it sixteen times a second, but it's there, always there, insistently, persistently PRESENT. So I'm doing this whole abstinence thing. Without telling anyone. No one over, not for any reason. Because it always leads to sex, and I'm trying to be with just one. FireOpal. Even though I'm not WITH him, I love him still. So by doing this without telling him, without telling ANYONE, I'm doing it for ME. The me that I know is worth it. The me that I know is worth more than dozens of useless horny (married) men. Three days so far. We'll see how it goes.
Laters

What is it with this fucking SLEW of movies and fiction in which the man or woman is not content with what they have and what they've chosen? Like falling in love once isn't good enough. Like there's always something somehow better out there, something somehow more worth having. Why can't a man and a woman fall in love and stay that way? Love only each other, BE with only each other for the rest of their lives? And it's not like a lifetime is all that long. In my opinion it's not nearly long ENOUGH to love one person. Hell, I've loved FireOpal since day one. And no matter what, I've continued to love him. Not looking for anyone or anything better. Because he's the best. For me, at any rate. And I will accept no substitutions. No matter what. I'm his. I belong to him.
Laters

I love the way my little girl does little girlie things. Like having me kiss her baby goodnight. DAMN, but she's cute. Which makes her the perfect antichrist. She'll have men twisted around her little finger in no time. Hell, she already does.
On to another topic. WHY do men all of a sudden want to play with my ass? What IS it about ass fucking that draws their attention? Is one hole not good enough for them? I mean, I know the thing about tightness, but I am by no means LOOSE. And that shit doesn't feel good, doesn't feel erotic. It makes me want to shit. On their cock. *sigh* Men are weird. Or maybe it's just the men in this area. But probably not, given my Thanksgiving experience. Ah, well.
Moving right along. I'm on another series of drugs. More narcotics, and whoo freakin' hoo. I hate drugs. So why am I on so MANY? And loopy ones at that.
I am lonely. And not just for ANY type of company, but for FireOpal specifically. Or at least someone who knows me and loves me and cares about me. Genuinely. And who I love back. And I haven't really talked to Stormy in a while. Her husband was pissed at me so she's (hopefully) been talking him down from that. What he doesn't understand is that when she and I fight, it's not about getting our way. We fight knowing full well the conclusion of the argument. The point is not to change anyone's mind, the point is to let each other know what's bothering us, what our issues are. And sometimes we yell. Or scream. None of it involves him. But he sees his wife upset and so has to butt in. Stay the fuck out of it, man. We've known each other for our whole lives, he's been around for about two years. He doesn't understand our dynamic and until he does-which I doubt he ever will-he just needs to back the fuck off. However, on the other hand. I'm glad he loves Stormy that much to come to her aide. Even if it is against me. He loves her and that's good for me. Because I love her, too.
Laters

It's difficult to figure out who you are. And then you have to admit that there are parts of you that you don't like. Ah, fuck it.
I'm burdened with an abundance of men. When all I want is one. Not just ANY one, I want FireOpal. I belong to him. I love him. He loves me. He wants to marry me. He said he WOULD marry me. Happy I. I love him.
Laters

I'm goddamned tired and fucking bruised. Raven came over this weekend. All weekend. It was...different. I've never actually tried the whole S&M thing-well, bdsm-and I don't mind it. I'm not sure if I LIKE it, but it's something interesting. There are aspects of it that I'm uncomfortable with, but Raven seems incredibly willing to work out those details with me. And he stopped when I needed him to. And he respected my hesitence for some things. He's...well, HE would put it as "twisted" over me. Or "in lust". But it's more than that and we both know it. He wants more. He wants everything. He wants me. I might even go so far as to say he's somewhat in love with me, or that he at least loves me. And it wouldn't be any kind of exaggeration. He wants to move in with me. Yeah, men fall for me. I just wonder WHY?
Anyway, I was up all weekend, practically. I'm exhausted. But I did wear my cross all weekend except when I was in the shower. Raven didn't like it, but I don't care. I love FireOpal. Still. Foolish? Yeah, probably. And despite everything-and I do mean EVERYthing-I still hope for him. I even think it's possible. God, I love him.
Okay, I'm rambling. Stupid drugs. Again.
Laters

God, I feel like Romeo with his "O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick." Really quick; I just took them and I can barely move, much less walk. Stupid doctors. Stupid pain, which actually seems to have abated. MAY cause drowsiness, indeed.
I love FireOpal. Things that don't make any sense to anyone, I'm doing. Sleeping in Ruby's shirts-to feel closer to FireOpal. Fucking a married man-to feel closer to FireOpal. Writing in here when I'm THIS druggy. To feel closer to FireOpal. I met him here.
I will never love Raven. I couldn't; it's not possible. True love is forever. Loving someone doesn't stop, not when it's real. No matter what the circumstances, he will always have my heart. Raven gets to be the consolation prize.
God, I'm loopy.
Laters

Actually, the fucking was better than the drinking tonight. Three times. Nice guy, too. Not exactly talkative. Do I have to assign him a colour? I mean, he's just a throw-away. Besides, I'm drunk, dirty, smoky-yes, I did have cigarette or three-and tired. So I don't wanna. If I think of an appropriate colour, I'll make sure to write it down. Well, either that or promptly forget it, whichever's easier.
And I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow. Today. Whatever. And this time I mean literally, not just my scewed Sapphire view of 'anytime before noon'.
On the plus side, now I have a bunch of extra alcohol.
Laters

The fracass has come to its final stupidity. The finality of it being final. The end, no more. Oh, well. I love him. I'd rather not.
And now I get to be a slave. We'll call him Raven Black. Anyway, Raven's coming this weekend. All weekend of fucking, sounds like fun. Fucking and drinking and s&m. I AM one of those twisted bitches.
But tonight I get to fuck and drink, too. Only I'm more looking forward to the drinking than the fucking. Ah, the pleasures of alcohol.
Laters

Lobotomy sounds good right about now. WHY don't I have liquor here?
Laters

I don't mind being asleep. Nor do I mind being awake. It's the goddamned transition between the two. Either way.
God, I feel lightheaded. Dizzy, even. And I'm still laying in 'bed'. Bed being the couch at Stormy's house. I like her laptop.
Amethyst is the cutest little girl ever.
Oh, and I need to ask Magenta for her address again. *sigh* All this moving, no wonder I misplace things.
Laters

Getting up at the ass crack of dawn doesn't make a lot of sense unless you have something to actually DO. I thought I did. Now I'm stuck here, bored and awake. At least Amethyst is usually calm in the mornings. She's content to watch cartoons now that I've woken her up. And the worst thing is that I have to do it all tomorrow since I wasn't able to get it done today. *sigh* Mornings and I do not get along.
Laters

I need to make my house a home. I need to make my apartment MINE. Since I'll be there for a while. I wish things made sense. I wish a lot of things, really. I wish FireOpal were mine. I wish he were here. I wish...I wish it were OUR home. I wish he were my husband and I his wife. I wish Amethyst were our child. I wish we could have more children. I wish we could live together and fight every now and then and make up. I wish we could get into arguments about toothpaste and toilet paper and silly little stupid every day things, things that don't mean anything, things that make our relationship stronger. Hell, anything that would make our relationship REAL would be good for me. Anything that would make HIM real.
Damn, if I prefer to be miserable, I'm REALLY fucked up. This is making me worse than miserable.
Laters

Get drunk and fuck, too. GodDAMN, I'm so horny. And the sex that I'm getting doesn't satisfy me. Of course the money makes up for it. Only it needs to be more.
Laters

I'd be crying into my beer if I drank the shit. I'd be crying into my Smirnoff if I had any. I just want to cry. And get drunk. And get more drunk. And forget.
Laters

I cannot be with FireOpal. Not the way things are. But I can't let him go, either. So how do I tell him this without making it seem like an ultimatum? IS it an ultimatum? Show up or goodbye? He says he needs me, he says he loves me. But should I put to him that kind of choice, he'd leave. He doesn't treat me with any kind of respect. He allows me to treat him the same. This doesn't work. It's not working and it's probably not going to.
The other guy wants me. The other guy will show up. Tomorrow night if I didn't tell him no. The same for every night after that. And no matter what I tell him, he WILL be here on my birthday. Will FireOpal? No. This whole situation is wrong. It needs to change or cease to be. I only wish I didn't know which of those two options it's most likely to be.
Laters

Only...I'm crying already. In anticipation of that hurt. The knowledge that it will come decreases nothing of my hope for it to be avoided. *sigh* And thus I continue to torture myself.
Laters

"What are you going to do in September when he doesn't show up?"
Cry.
"And then?"
Cry some more.
Laters

I'm going to do...something. Something foolish. Something stupid. Something ridiculous and self desctructive. Something...something that *I* want to do; something that I SHOULDN'T want to do. And why oh, WHY do there have to be all these fucking STRINGS attached? All this damned emotional baggage? All this...SHIT.
Goddammit. All I seem to be doing is cursing.
Laters

Do people need to have love proven? Do *I*? What IS love? WHY is it so overwhelming, so all consuming? Can't I just fuck who I want when I want? And do everything else in life that way, too?
I always said I wouldn't settle, no matter what. I would find my dream and be blissfully happy. That I wouldn't allow contentment or happiness, that it was total bliss or nothing. Yeah, right.
Now I have a dream that will never be fulfilled-even he has said so. And a choice. To settle. For the rest of my life, possibly. Settle. I fucking hate the word. I fucking hate the option. And I fucking hate him for making me take it.
Laters

He's a dream. My life was a nightmare.
Is it time for a bit of reality? How about a life of it?
Laters

Okay, NOW what?
I don't make many goals. Hell, none would be closer. Why? Because what if I don't achieve them? But when I DO have goals, when there IS something that I want to work towards, I want to work TOWARDS it. Make steps. Baby steps, even, as long as there's progression. Now for the past six months I've been talking to a mystery man. Mystery as in nonexistent? I don't know. Mystery as in...nonexistent to ME. And for the past three, there's been no progression. No steps, nothing. Just him over there and me over here. Across oceans and continents, on the other side of the world from each other. And whenever we talk it's for like five seconds and then he has to go. And for that five seconds we fight.
So today I get THIS in my email: "Baby, you're right. We do need to talk. GOD, I miss you. Where are you? What's happening? How long has it been since we talked? How long has it been since we talked and DIDN'T fight? I'm sorry, honey. I love you. I MISS you." We DO need to talk...but 'I'm going to send this and then immediately sign offline even though I got my sister to call you and ask you to get online to talk to me. But that doesn't matter anyway because I only had five seconds and I was going to pick a fight. So aren't you relieved that I'm not actually around?'
This is how I FEEL. When I think, I'm angry. When I feel, I'm hurt. And I can't sleep, I can't fucking do ANYthing. I'm fucking a married man to feel closer to a man who doesn't facilitate our relationship in any way-getting money and using it to buy minutes on my phone card to talk to his SISTER. Because HE won't talk to me. GodDAMMIT!! And today she calls me, Atomic Tangerine. Tells me she hasn't been talking to me as often because HE is now REFUSING to help us talk and she has to do it on her own. FUCK this shit. It's so goddamned ridiculous. And now I have to decide what to DO about it. I love him, so I can't let him go. But he's not good for me. He hurts me, he cannot even fucking TALK to me! SHIT!! FUCK!!! GODDAMN!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE SHITHEAD BASTARD PIECE OF DAMNED TO HELL FECAL MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And what does this do? Nothing. What does it solve? Nothing.
So where am I?
Back at the beginning. Alone.
"Life is a road and I wanna keep going; love is a river I wanna keep flowing. In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you."
In the end I'll be standing at the beginning alone.
Laters

I hate thinking. Sometimes I wish I were just stupid. Completely fucking stupid. Make things easier. Then I could just DO and pretend not to know better. Hell, I can STILL do that. I just want to ACTUALLY not know better sometimes.
Things just don't make sense to me right now. Right now. Do they ever? DID they ever? And most importantly WILL they ever?
Goddamn, goddamn.
Laters

Oh, and Stormy took Amethyst to get her hair cut. *sigh* MY baby. Short hair.
Laters

Things are happening. All around the world, I'm sure, but like I give a fuck about any of that crap. I give a fuck about what's happening to ME.
"i was pissed because (FireOpal) wants to manipulate you in to not being with any one but him and at the same time will never stand up and be with you him self if he really wanted you that would be one thing but the only reason that he is doing this is to keep anyone else from having you"
Is that true? And then Stormy says that he doesn't treat me with anything resembling respect or love. And that if I were as important to him as HE claims, he'd make time for me, he'd make the effort. And if he knows me as well as he claims to, he'd understand that I need him. In a HEALTHY way, for once. Yes, I'm healthy. At least in the way that I do not depend on FireOpal for my happiness. I just want to share my happiness with him, want to share EVERYTHING with him, and I'm sad because I'm NOT with him, because we fight all the goddamned time. Fucking A! I don't expect total bliss one hundred percent of the time. I don't want to give him an ultimatum. But dammit! I'm not the priority he claims I am, not the priority he KNOWS I need to be. I'm not even saying "choose me or your other obligations." I'm saying, "make me one of them." I can share him with whatever else he needs to do. Or THINKS he needs to do, or WANTS to do, or CHOOSES to do. If I'm such a big part of his life-as HE claims-then I need to be IN his life. HOW can he not even TALK to me?
I don't know. So with all this shit running around in my head, I'm taking some time off. I love him. GOD, I love him. I just need to think about things without him for a while. How long? I dunno. I'm just going to take a self imposed haitus. To think. To feel. To choose.
There was a time, a while back, that I loved him because of 'the wrong reasons.' At least according to him and Stormy. But I've worked through all that-even Stormy says so, thank goddammit. And I love him still. So he has HIS issues. Fair enough. We all do. He's scared, he's been hurt, he's a fucking pansy. Whatever. I'm angry and upset and confused...and I LOVE him. I love him.
I'm tired of thinking about all this. For a while, I think I'll just go veg.
Laters

Well, okay, the Russian thing didn't work. *sigh* I REALLY want a cyrilic font on my computer. *I* can read it.
Laters

So I've been contemplating my reasons for fucking a married man. Because I fucking hate his wife. Because I fucking hate my sister. Because I hate my mother and anyone else who ever got married because they thought they were in love. Or because they were. Because I don't have that. I have a child. *I* get the challenge of raising the antichrist and instilling in her MY warped world view. But I don't have a husband. Not a real one, at any rate. So I strike a backhanded blow at the whole institution of marriage by a) marrying my husband and b) fucking a guy with a wife. I hope they all rot in hell.
Speaking of my sister and why she should rot in hell, she's been more than cruel to me this weekend. We went to see some of my family-who, in general, hate me-and she spent the whole time putting me down. Not just her usual playful mocking, though she tried to pass it off for that. But something deeper, something that tells me she's really upset with me for something. Probably the way I choose to live, choose to believe in FireOpal (and the goddamned Easter Bunny, as far as she's concerned), and choose to be...well, not HER. I don't even know. It might even be that she's pissed at the money situation. Because she and her husband are spenders and having to help me out means they can't do as much of that. Which isn't true anyway. They DO do as much of that, then they tell me that I have ten bucks to get groceries for the whole month. Maybe it's not THAT bad, and I don't have a right to tell them how to spend THEIR money, but hell. If Stormy really wants to get up in arms about it, she owes me eleven hundred dollars. She could consider this paying me back for that shit. *I* don't want to turn it into that. I think it's ridiculous. We're sisters, we help each other out. Period, the end. And we don't resent each other for it. She didn't NEED the money when I had it, but she wanted it and I didn't mind. *I* NEED the money. And she fucking minds. This whole situation is messed up bullshit. She tells me what to do, where to live, and how, and then she gets pissy and upset when I DO it. ALL of this for HER. Always for her. Fuck this shit. Fuck it right in the ear.
âîñêðåñåíüå, ïîíåäåëüíèê, âòîðíèê, ñðåäà, ÷åòâåðã, ïÿòíèöà, ñóááîòà - words in a copiable cyrilic font. AKA, days of the week in Russian. Which I can read. WooHoo!
Laters

Dammit, I don't know why I'm awake. I shouldn't be. I drank too much last night, that's for sure. Hmmm...Maybe I'm possessed. Hey, it's as good a reason as any.
What's going on in my head at this ungodly hour? Lots of things, actually.
Thinking about FireOpal-of course. Thinking also about this other guy, the one who met me online, the one who wanted me to be his slave. He fell for me. I was cruel. It wasn't that I didn't like him. I did. I REALLY did, and that was the problem. He was my Plan B. And he didn't mind that at all, he knew how much I felt for FireOpal. Only...well, *I* mind. I shouldn't HAVE a Plan B. I shouldn't need one. I should plan on spending the rest of my life with FireOpal. Except with FireOpal, it's "the rest of your life might actually start at some point during the span of your life." He STILL can't even talk to me. And with the other guy, it was...more immediate. HE called me; HE talked to me. He paid attention to me, the attention I need. And he saw something in me that he'd been looking for for a LONG time. I feel guilty for leading him on. But goddammit! I WOULD have been with him, I would have willingly submitted myself to him. It was more than curiousity, it was...something. I was drawn to him, in my way. But I have to appease FireOpal. Fucking A. MY choice would have been not to choose. MY choice would have been to wait for my birthday and see who showed up. I STILL want to do that. I can't wait around forever for FireOpal. And after my birthday, it'll BE that long. I'll be so hurt and lost then. I've never dreaded a birthday before, I shouldn't now. I'm only turning twenty four. And at that point...I'll want to lose myself. Into bondage, into motherhood, into this guy. SPECIFICALLY him, not just anything, not just whatever happens along. Goddammit, I still want my Plan B. And so fucking WHAT if that's wrong? I've been hurt and used and abused FAR too many times to just sit back and be FireOpal's fucking throw rug. Don't I deserve better?
But on the other hand, I DO love him. What do I deserve? And why do I deserve it? What makes ME so fucking worth it? God, this is so confusing. I wish these thoughts in my head would just cease and desist. I wish I could just do whatever it is I feel like doing and to hell with the consequences. Fucking society. Fucking love. Fucking christ.
And speaking of fucking christ, I REALLY want the 'jackhammer Jesus'-the crucifix with the end shaped like a dildo. I'd use it, too. Hey, the mother of the antichrist has got to have SOME sort of sacriligious, blasphemous crap around the house. Even if it IS just because of my twisted sense of humour.
Oh, *sigh*. It's too early for this shit.
Laters

Well. Shortly after one in the morning. I'm a little drunk, but not entirely trashed. I feel somehow...liberated. With all the men who have taken advantage of me, I feel as if I've somehow gotten even. I let a guy come over under the impression of getting laid. Ha ha! Nope, I let him go down on ME and then kicked him out. Yes I CAN do that. Too bad he was only decent at it. Good would have been nicer, but by the time he decided HE was done, I decided I was, too. I feel good having taken advantage of a man. Like I've struck a blow to the whole species. Liberated and in charge of my sexuality again. Go me!
Laters

So I'm a vindictive bitch. Whatever. At least I'm honest. I tell him everything I'm thinking, everything I'm feeling. And he gets hurt. Of course he does, and I don't blame him. But he gets TOO hurt, just by what I'm THINKING. Not even having DONE anything, he's acting as if just by thinking of it the action's already followed. Fuck it. At least *I* act. HE still can't even assure me that he'll be here. When I need him, when he promised he'd be here. I DON'T want it to be so important. I really don't. But it is. And I know why. Because it's all I have. If not then, when? Sometime during the span of my life? No, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work for me. I don't want to pressure him, I don't want to put a time limit on this. But I need SOMETHING. He can't fucking talk to me. Even HE said he doesn't like "the punchy button thing". Neither do I. And he's going to use this as another excuse. To draw away from me again. To continue to not speak to me, to continue to not show up. How fucking ridiculous.
But...I love him SO MUCH. Head over heels doesn't even begin to cover it. "Love" doesn't even begin to describe it. And I'm sorry, but I do NOT understand. What is WITH this "I love you but I refuse to even prove that I'm real to you" attitude? How does he rationalize that in his diseased brain?
But I'M the evil whore bitch and it's all my fault.
Again.
Laters

So the only things I have to drink in the house are water and Smirnoff Ice. I've been working all day, getting this dump cleaned up. Guess what I've been drinking? (Hint: Alcoholics rarely choose water.)
Besides, my blood is mostly iron and iron rusts when exposed to too much water.
So I get online today and the guy I'm forbidden from talking to IMs me. I talk for a few minutes and then go. Then he calls me tonight. Actually, I've been on the phone most of the day with different people. Anyway, FireOpal is not going to be happy when he finds out. I say 'when' because, as we all know, I can't keep a secret. And it's not just that I can't keep a secret, it's that I can't not tell somebody something that I know they'd want to know. *sigh*
Okay, other matters.
Apparently I'm going to a party this weekend. For my second cousin once removed-or some strange relationship like that. Anyway, the brat's turning two and I'm taking Amethyst. Hopefully she doesn't pull the head off of this kid. Well, she's never actually DONE that before, just tried to. I guess it comes with being the antichrist.
"This house is clean." Well, except for Amethyst's room. I have never-and I mean NEVER-had a problem getting her to clean up before. And it took her ALL FUCKING DAY to do the simplest chore. I thought I'd be forced to kill her at one point. Too bad the police wouldn't buy the "she's the antichrist" defense-they probably think the antichrist is supposed to be a boy. Mysogynistic assholes.
I don't really have too much to say. I know I'm a pretty boring person. Despite that at least one person has said that my "life should be televised and broadcast to millions of viewers." Yeah, as a sleeping aid. Really, I don't DO much of anything. I haven't even since I started this blog. Who would watch? I mean, even my sexual escapades are rather...tame compared to some of the porn I've been assured is out there. Since I don't watch it and all. I had one guy decide to talk to me after reading this because he thought I'd be an easy lay. Do I really give that impression? Maybe so. Since I'm incapable of saying no.
FireOpal loves me. I've never felt so loved in my entire life, not even when I was a child. And my father LOVED me as a child. I love FireOpal. This intense, exciting, scary, fantastic emotion that cannot be encompassed by the word "love"-yet no other word or series of words could ever come close. He makes me FEEL so much. Too much, I think, sometimes. But I wouldn't give it up for the world. Well, no one's about to offer me the world, but I'm pretty sure I'd choose him. I love him, after all. And the world sure hasn't done ME any favours...
Laters

"I'm sorry for the promises I know you want me to keep." Which means "No, I won't be there for your birthday." Fuck that. Fuck it right in the ear. I don't want it to be so important to me, I wish it weren't. But it is and he knows it. And knowing it, he STILL won't show up? That doesn't work for me. So I still hope he will. And plan my revenge when he doesn't. Yes, it's the way I am.
Anyway, I was cleaning up today. And I found a box of clothing and stuff that belongs to Ruby. Long, long time ago. I think I'll send it to him. If I can get his address without asking for it. I actually think I remember it. I DID use to live there with him, after all.
And speaking of Ruby, I talked to him yesterday. He's got a new girlfriend-of course. *sigh* He's consistently had a new girlfriend since we broke up. Makes ME feel special. Oh, well. I knew he didn't love me. He seems to really like this new girl, though. As he did with the last few. He did, however, say "you've turned me off women, it's all men from now on." And his chic punched him in the arm. I HAVE to fix me. I have to look good, I have to have my beautiful daughter and my awesome lovie, and I have to show up and make him realize what a lame ass he was and is for letting me go. Ultimate revenge-have it better than he ever could.
Okay, I think I'm going to stop with the revenge theme and go kill Amethyst. All DAY it's been taking her to clean up this ONE little mess. Yes, that's irritating.
Laters

Okay, now that I'm assured that the proper people have stopped reading this, I can think to myself without editing. It's just that sometimes the things in my head could offend or upset and I don't want that. I don't go into THEIR heads.
Anyway, what IS going on in my head? *sigh* I'm not even sure.
FireOpal says this thing to me that's just SO...I don't even know what it is. God, I love him. I want to be with him. He's so busy; he's so far away. But he loves me. From the other side of the earth, he loves me. An inch or a mile, a mile or a continent, a continent or an ocean, an ocean or the other side of the world...the distance doesn't matter. What matters is that he's not with me. HOW can I love him like this? How can I love him SO MUCH without him ever being real to me? I'm confused.
When I was with Ruby, I was always looking for something more, hoping for something better. I loved him, yes. I wasn't in love with him, at least I don't think so. With FireOpal, I'm not doing that, not thinking that. I don't see other men as potential, as a possibility. I'm completely, totally, one hundred percent in love with him. He has my heart, all of it. I'm not looking for anything else; I'm just waiting for him. Making mistakes, sure. *sigh* Lots of mistakes.
Fucking a married man and accepting money for it. Yeah, I'm a whore. Allowing another guy, five years my junior, to come over and fuck me. Only it was degrading and awful. And painful. What kind of guy tries to shove his fist up a woman? Ow. And I allowed myself to be his doormat.
I'm sick in the head and fucked up beyond belief, but I don't want to be. I've actually discontinued my...liaisons with other men. Told many "no" using that exact word. Which is difficult for me. Has been damn near impossible. Something that I need to do, though. Much as I like to fuck, I'm sick of JUST fucking. I want to make love. To FireOpal. I want to be with him, to belong to him, only him, in every way. He doesn't believe that I'll never do this, never be with anyone else once I'm with him. I don't blame him. I've "cheated" on him with four different men. Why? As a punishment to him, partly. As a punishment to myself? I don't even know. He hurt me, I hurt him back. Yeah, it's wrong. I'm a vindictive bitch. I'm sorry-as I've said before-for being who and what I am.
Amethyst needs attention.
Laters

Two months from now is my birthday. Two months from today. After six months, I'm still waiting. How much longer? Two months. Of course we all know that I'll probably be suckered into waiting longer. But he KNOWS how important it is to me. Why WOULDN'T he show up? He loves me. I feel he does. I believe he exists, even. I just hate having to believe it without KNOWING it.
Fucking A.
And now he's got me freaked out about this other guy I've been talking to. Is it just jealousy? Is he having me followed? I don't even know what this man DOES, goddammit. All I know is that I love him. *sigh*
And fuck a duck.
None of this makes sense, not even in my own head.
Laters

I don't require privacy. Not really. But for those people reading this...well, I don't keep secrets, I CAN'T fucking keep secrets. But the way I think about it in my head and the way I might talk about it to another person tend to be different. In my head things are unedited, and there are tangents that a) aren't worth pursuing, b) make absolutely no fucking sense to anyone but me, and c) don't matter.
So here's my theory: stop reading. This is my diary, my little place for thoughts that I need to be able to express without worrying or wondering how anyone's going to react to it. Without editing myself, without the knowledge that I'm going to have to explain the inner workings of my (diseased) mind to anyone else. So if you have any interaction with me at all-especially daily interaction-just stop reading. If you want to know what I'm thinking, ask. But you don't need to know every little detail of everything I think about and feel like mentioning here.
Maybe I do need a little privacy after all.
(Oh, and Magenta, you're welcome to keep reading. Don't ask me why you get to be the exception. I might actually have an answer.)
Laters

I'm sorry I'm the way that I am. I know it's not something that should be apologized for. But I'm sorry nonetheless. I react to things poorly, I get angry at situations and take my anger out on people. I'm vindictive. I'm weak. I'm ugly-and while that isn't something that can be changed in most people, in my case I'm wholly responsible.
*sigh*
I'm in so much fucking pain.
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"Real life is much stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."
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Well.
Yeah, that's about the only thing I have to say. Deep insight there, huh?
"Some women are strong enough in their own sexuality to take what they want from it without sacrificing any part of themselves."
Am I that way? I know I'm capable of fucking one person and loving another. That's been proven. At least one of the things I skipped during the time I was neglecting my blog was that FireOpal told me to go have sex with Blonde and I did. Did he mean it? Of course not. But HE wasn't fulfilling his duty in that area, so...well, I used the excuse to get it from elsewhere. And it was good-Blonde is always good, for just fucking. But there's just too much missing there. Most importantly my heart. I've never been able to make love.
I don't even know anymore (and as often as I say that, is anyone else wondering when or if I ever DID know?). Do I want to just fuck? Do I want to make love? Do I want to take what comes along? *sigh* And all those things I said I wanted to do or to have done to me...well...they're kinda intimidating, too. I've never DONE them, wouldn't know how. Would feel awkward and embarrassed. But, dammit, the thought of it, the THOUGHT of doing all those things...makes me horny, still. I at least want to TRY it. I KNOW I'm masochistic, I can't even get myself off without at least a little pain. I just don't know how much I can handle. Might be interesting finding out, though. Would have to be with someone I trusted, and who would that even BE anymore? I don't even trust myself. *sigh, sigh, sigh*
And there's more drama. Or is it melodrama?
Laters