OW!!! I'm in some serious fucking pain here. DAMN! So I took some drugs. Which means I'm going to be more than a little loopy in a few minutes. But they're the only drugs that work. Ah, well. Live with the pain or act like a drunkard. Choices, choices.
Laters

I'mma fall asleep watching my movie again tonight. Yes, yes. Obsession and all that. It's the way I am.
Laters

"That's not wrong, it's merely vain. There's no need to hide my shame. I'm tired of slowly sinking still there's no one else to blame. I can't help it; I'm a quitter. From inside I'm cold and bitter. It's not my fault, I've never tried. I can't even tell you why."
Laters

"Turn around. Look at what you see. In her face, the mirror of your dreams. Make believe I'm everywhere, living in your eyes...Reach the stars, fly a fantasy. Dream a dream, and what you see will be."
I want someone to look at me like that, to SEE me like that. I know I shouldn't be so obsessed with it, that I should concentrate on me and Amethyst, but I am, and I can't. I want someone to write a song for me, to hear music when I walk in the room, to see stars when I smile at him. I could look at a man like that. The right man. The one man. And (despite my history) I could do it for the rest of my life. I just want the rest of my life-at least that part-to start as soon as possible.
There's so much in me to give. So much I'm willing to accept.
If patience were the only virtue I'd be going straight to hell.
Laters

Slate met someone. He's spent HOURS the last few nights on the phone with him. But they won't be able to meet, not for a while at any rate. So it looks like we'll be each others Valentine after all. Which is kind of lame on my part, but he'll probably go out to the bar and pick up a guy that night, even though he says he won't. Maybe he'll take me out and we can get a babysitter for Amethyst, but that's wishful thinking. S'all good as long as I get a kiss at the end of the evening. Ah, we'll see.
Laters

Okay, I've already taken my shower. And now I'm going to watch my movie-made from my favourite legend of all time, and Slate says I'm obsessed. Yes, yes I am. And then I'm going to bed.
Laters

"A is for Amy who fell down the stairs
B is for Basil assaulted by bears
C is for Clara who wasted away
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech
G is for George smothered under a rug
H is for Hector done in by a thug
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake
J is for James who took lye by mistake
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea
N is for Neville who died of ennui
O is for Olive run through with an awl
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire
S is for Susan who perished of fits
T is for Titus who flew into bits
U is for Una who slipped down a drain
V is for Victor squashed under a train
W is for Winnie embedded in ice
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin"
I'm taking her entire kindergarten year off. And I'm budgeting for therapy. So, really, Amethyst won't be TOO messed up. Well, okay. Maybe she will. But at least not on accident.
Laters

An attempt to explain what even I don't understand to an audience who could not possibly comprehend:
Giving birth...
Wow, it was like no other experience in life. Physically, to say "excruciating pain" doesn't even beging to cover it. Ever passed a kidney stone or gotten kicked REALLY hard in the balls? Now combine those, multiply by a high power of ten and you'll have not even half the idea of how much it hurt. And then at the end it's like pushing out the biggest turd ever. At least that's what the pushing part was like-constipation, passing a watermelon. Mentally, it's intimidating. You're told all these stories of what could possibly go wrong and even if everything goes RIGHT you know you're then goingto be faced with this little person that will be soley your responsibility for the rest of your life. Hell, that little person will BE your life. It's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. Intellectually, you go through your life up to this point, your childhood. You think of all the things you hated about your parents, all the things you liked and you promise yourself that you won't turn into them and that you'll do it the right way. Emotionally, you wonder what it's going to be like, seeing the face of this...well, what up to this point has been a "thing" now becomes a person, a real, living being with her own personality and needs and independence from you. And then you look into that face that you've never even imagined could exist and wonder again-this time, though, you wonder how you could ever have doubted the existence of love at first sight, or the overwhelming power of that love. The whole experience is like suffocating, like someone putting his hands around your neck and choking you until you feel as if you're going to pass out-and then releasing you, the rush of air into your lungs and the feeling of relief that now your life can continue, or perhaps begin. Even with all the people who were THERE with me, it's a singular experience that everyone goes through alone. I couldn't imagine being a man and not being able to look forward to that experience, not ever being able to have it. Penis envy? I don't think so. It should definitely be the other way around.
Laters

"What do you get when you fall in love? You only get lies and pain and sorrow. So for at least until tomorrow, I'll never fall in love again."
Tomorrow's not an issue. I can handle tomorrow. What about the REST of my life?
Anyway, I'm all contemplative and stuff. Thinking about why I was so, so bad the last couple of nights. And I want to pretend that I don't know, but I do. At least I think I do (and this gives me an easy out). It's the whole external validation thing. A curse. My curse. I need to be told how wonderful I am. Or at least be wrapped up in others, so I can forget how horrible I am. So while Stormy's having a crisis I can concentrate on her, on helping her get through it. Or Slate or anyone. But then I go back to needing to hear it again, other people thinking I'm glorious. Because deep down I know I think I'm not. Deep down, I think I might truly be evil. I know worrying about it makes it less so. But I've lived with this facade for so long...maybe it's true, the ugliness living inside me. I hope not. I'm working up the courage to find out. And I'm reevaluating my opinion of this whole therapy thing. Maybe it's a lot more my thing that I realized or wanted to admit.
So I'm a little all over tonight. My brain does that sometimes.
Laters

Okay, and I added a poem or two, if ya wanna check them out. Just...well, I wrote them when I was going through a rough time and blaming myself for it. Not that that's pertinent information or anything like that, but something I keep in mind.
Laters

Magenta amuses me. She keeps stealing pieces of my life to use as her signature. It's pretty interesting to get emails from her and see my name at the bottom of them. My real name, that is. But I've gone by this one so long...and besides, no one can pronounce my name. And although I love my name, I'm really good with the nickname. I like that I get to choose when to tell people my story. Because my name is a story. And I like that, too.
And that's another wannabe thought for the moment.
Laters

I think I made a mistake. Hell, I think I made a hell of a lot of mistakes. With a lot of people. It's like instead of confronting MY unwillingness and fear of talking about the things that actually mean something, I ignore it. And then confront OTHERS with it, putting the pressure and spotlight on them. Why do I do this? To get it off me, for one thing. And it always turns out badly. And yet I continue doing it over and over and over again.
Okay, that's my wannabe thought for the moment.
Laters

Well, for some reason I couldn't get to my page to post last night. But this is what I wrote a little after one in the morning:
"Will I loose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
I do not now nor did I ever have any dignity, no one cares, and unfortuneately this 'nightmare' is my fucking life. No, I'm not whining. Because I don't know why I'm like this. There's no reason for me to feel this way. Actually there's no reason for me not to. Fuck it.
Stormy's on the road tonight. And I hate it. Not that she's on the road, but the reason she's going. Her friend's crisis. And it just SO conveniently conincides with HER crisis. I don't hate her friend. But I DO, for putting Stormy through this. It's like the goddamned cruelest thing I can think of to have go on for her right now. ESPECIALLY right now. I'm upset about it, but she needs to be there for her friend. Whom I want to call and tell to go to hell. Or just beat some fucking sense into her, she KNOWS what's going on with Stormy. How DARE she impose HER problems into my sister's life. The whole situation is fucked up. And wrong. And I can't be there for her. And I know she's got to be hurting. And I wish I could trade her, not pains, not lives. But I wish I could take her pain and give her my happiness. Limited though it is. And embodied in our little girl. Because Amethyst, in a way that cannot be explained to anyone-not even Stormy's husband-IS our child, mine and Stormy's. Goddammit! There's nothing I can DO. For her or for myself. Or even for Amethyst.
FUCK! I wish...Hell, I wish a lot of things. Right now I wish Hunter were here. He has a way of always making me feel ridiculous for feeling shitty. It's something I could really use right now. But he's not here, and I'm steeped in misery. With no way out. Closing doors, opening windows-and the only thing different from one day, week, month, year, decade to the next is that there's constantly something different that's making me feel like shit.
I wish I could kill myself. I wish it were that easy. And at this point I think the only thing stopping me is that I've got no idea how to make it look like an accident so that Slate and Stormy and Amethyst can get that insurance money. One hell of a hurdle, I'm sure. And one of these days I'll be able to overcome it. Or so I hope.
Laters

WTF??? Did I suddenly get some horrifying disease that's somehow communicable through the internet? Everyone-and I mean goddamned EVERYone has stopped emailing me. Or even replying to MY emails. People suck. Me especially.
Laters

Okay, now I'm totally amused. Plum came over tonight and he's amazingly sexually inept. Not that there was sex-there wasn't-but he's clueless as to the EVERYTHING that goes along with it. Even kissing. None of which I would've found out if I hadn't been in horny little bitch mode. But yeah. So now it's like I get to train him. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. If it goes.
Speaking of which, Chestnut has not at all contacted me, or even responded to my email. Whatever. Men suck. And I've not caught Amber online since I saw him either. What the hell is WITH me? Are there no real men in the world? And by "real" I mean "in any way remotely resembling my ideal, such as it is". And it's not like my standards are that high: intelligent, not sucky in bed. That's about it. Goddammit, I hate my life.
Anyway, I'm still horny little bitch, so I'm gonna go take a long bath. and then maybe sleep for an hour or three until Amethyst wakes up.
Laters

There's a stranger in my head. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to look at my life in an entirely different way. It's scary. I'm so mentally unwell. I have this attitude towards sex that I hate. I have this worm in my stomach, this parasite. It's in my head, too. I can't handle this, I'm freaking out. I'm panicking and I don't even know why. I'm crying, I'm a mess. What the hell is WRONG with me? I can't, I just can't do this anymore. I have no control over anything and even when I think I do it's an illusion. An illusion designed to destroy me. And I want to be destroyed, and the illusion isn't working fast enough. I can't stand this, this waiting for something to fall in my lap. And growing more and more despondent and frustrated and pained every night when my lap's still empty. I hate this, I hate me. I hate this voyage of self discover that I'm embarking on. I hate that I was forced into it-not just by necessity, but also by a goddamned asshole man with worse than poor social skills who waltzed into my life and turned me into a victim. I'm so fucking ANGRY! He took my power away from me, my celebration in my feminity. And I want it back. I don't just want to work through my own pain, I want to cause HIM pain, to take it back from HIM, not from the wild blue yonder that it has disappeared to. Because it DIDN'T go into the goddamned yonder, it went into him, his godforsaken penis. I HATE him, I HATE the situation, I HATE the violation, and the fucking process of it all. I can't handle this. I need someone to hold me while I cry and I don't know anyone. And even if I did, I don't trust anyone.
I have to go cry now, I can no longer see the page.
Laters

If my life were a movie, I wonder what genre it would fit in? Horror? Comedy? Drama? Bad soap opera? Tagedy? Farce? I don't know. And I'm too tired to figure it out at the moment.
Laters

*sigh* I'm a mess. Psychologically and emotionally and even physically. I can't remember if I took my medicine today, so I don't want to take it again. But I'm awfully sad tonight so I'm thinking I didn't. I just want to go listen to sad songs and write (bad) poetry and cry for a while. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Laters

It's not what people say that's fascinating. It's what's left unsaid, the read between the lines of them.
I had a really good day yesterday. Amethyst and I went to the park and chased each other around for what felt like ever. Then I took her to eat and we rented a movie and came home. And THEN! Around midnight a friend came over. A guy, yes, but I mostly have guy friends. This one, however, was straight-and just a friend. That's unusual for me, I promise. And I thought it might be awkward for me, as I'm not used to being around straight men over whom I have no sexual power. But it was one of the most comfortable experiences of my life. And we fell asleep (after six thirty in the morning) just holding each other and talking. He got along super well with Amethyst (and more than usual, even though she's such a friendly little girl), and we laughed and joked and played around all night. It was great. No making out, no sex, nothing erotic at all. And when we held each other's hands and such there wasn't all this pressure TO kiss or do anything other than just enjoy each other's company. So he gets to be an orange-ish colour. Amber, I think. Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, we've been talking online for MONTHS, and finally met for the first time last night. And it was awesome.
So I mentioned him to Stormy and she asked if I'd already planned the wedding. She thinks I do that with every man I come into contact with, even accusing me of falling in love with one whom I know nothing about and who just emailed me out of the blue one day. She's right, I do do that. But it's not like I ever expect it to happen, I just sort of picture it in my head to see if the picture feels right, or even has the potential to feel right. Stormy knows me so well.
And Magenta called today, playing out the latest episode of "Choose Your Own Soap Opera." I love her to death, even though she does tend to overanalyze and overreact to things. I just told her to calm down, that it almost certainly wasn't what she was thinking, and to get on with HER life without worrying about a HIM. I know, I'm one to talk. But is it so unnatural to want the whole picture, the family portrait, the life I've always thought I COULD, one day, lead? No, I don't think so. But I do admit to being more than a little obsessed with it.
Speaking of obsessions, Chestnut hasn't called or emailed me or anything. I know he's leaving for like a month or three, but he could have at least mentioned when he'd be back and whether or not he had a good time. Oh, yeah. The obsession part is wondering if he'll send me roses for V-Day. He knows how much I love them and I DID mention that he'll be gone for that day...I won't be disappointed if he doesn't, but I'll be more than THRILLED if he does. Even though we're not bf/gf and I don't think we'll get there. I'm not a patient person, and waiting for someone I've been out on two dates with for over a month just doesn't work for me. I know, I know. Callous bitch. That's just the way I am sometimes.
Anyway, even though my team won the game, I'm in a negative mood. Mostly about myself. And I don't want to post all the horrible things about me, trying to convince myself that I am that horrible a person. Because I'm easy to convince. And if y'all knew some of it...you'd be convinced, too. So I'mma go before I start bashing myself.
Laters

I didn't eat yesterday. And I'm not hungry today, but there is food around here-these cookies that Slate's mother sent him-so I might be tempted to eat it because it's there. But since I'm not hungry I was thinking about the whole anorexia thing. But I think if I have to think about it, it's not really right for me. If that makes any sense. But I, like most women, would like to loose weight. I'm so damned gorgeous, I could be a knockout if it weren't for a few flaws. I honestly believe that I could be one of those women who turn heads when she walks into a room-the guys lusting after her, the girls jealous. Currently not so much. But it would be nice...
Laters

I wasn't up LATE, as in two in the morning isn't late for me. And he had to get up at the ass crack of dawn and leave to go to work. But we had a pleasant evening. Although, again no sex. Which I'm not disappointed about. I've always had this...weird attitude about sex anyway. And he wants to wait. As do I, but he was the one who brought it up. I really like that. I really like him. But...I just don't know. It's easy saying that I want a boyfriend, but when it comes down to it, I'm a mess. But, I mean, he's not like my boyfriend officially or anything. Not that I know what makes it "official". The point is that there's nothing wrong with him. But I'm not sure if there's something right, either. And that's what I'm looking for, that rightness. It's just that last time it was so...immediate, and with Chestnut it's like I'd have to build up to that. Maybe I'm afraid of being broken hearted-it nearly killed me last time, that's the kind of person I am-maybe I'm too eager to find that missing piece that I'll see in this new relationship qualities that do not exist. I guess it's almost a moot point as he's leaving for a month. Stupid military. And I'm a selfish person, at least I want to be selfish when it comes to something like this. When I meet someone I like I want to spend as much time as possible with them. Friends, boyfriends, whatever. I'm so conflicted about this. Last time-and I know I say that a lot, it's my only point of reference-I had what I wanted and I let it go hoping to find something better. Of course, that's the short of it, but still.
My heart is such a fragile, imperfect (yet wonderful) thing. And I want so badly to share it with someone else. But I've been hurt so badly, it's hard for me to trust anyone else.
Oh, this is hurting my head.
Laters

I just love people asking me questions. For oh, so many reasons. First of all, it makes me feel like they're genuinely interested in who I am. Second, I get to show off with my clever answers (depending on the question, of course). Third, I get a kick out of the questions themselves; it's a little insight into that other person, because I get to figure out what they're curious about. There are other reasons, but those are the first few that pop into my mind.
And now I'm going to go take a nap with Amethyst really quick. Because I have a feeling that I just MIGHT be up late with Chestnut.
Laters

Okay, Stormy and Slate are both back in school. The difference is, Slate insists on doing his own work and Stormy...well, Stormy doesn't. She's got her husband doing her computer class-he's a big computer geek-and me doing one of her other classes. Like a criminal justice one-she wants to be a lawyer. What do I know about criminal justice? That's right, nothing. But on the plus side, neither does Stormy. And it looks to be just a lot of book reading and busy work. I don't mind. I just find it amusing.
On another note, I'm both jealous of them-Slate and Stormy-for being back in school, but I'm also relieved that it's not me. Although I think I'm more jealous than relieved. I miss the whole school thing. I like learning. And I want to get back into those languages, so I can travel. All around the world.
And now I have to go return the movie.
Laters

Chestnut is definitely coming over tomorrow. He just emailed me with a time and everything. So yay! But...dammit, there's this sex thing. That of course exists between two people who are attracted to each other and want to form a relationship. However! Should the sex part come too early there's the risk of the physical aspects overwhelming the real ones, the genuine connections. And should it come too late it has the possibility of obscuring the other aspects because there's all this sexual tension. Damned. I'm no good at this. It was so...I don't want to say 'easy', because that's not exactly the right word. But it was natural last time. Right, perfect, awesome, all right from the start. I don't want that relationship again-obviously, with it being over, it was...flawed. But that's not the right word, either. Well, goddamn. I know more words than anyone I've ever met combined and words are completely failing me tonight. So I'm going to bed.
Laters

Oh, and a new update on the shower drawings. Slate drew a HUGE, erect penis on my shower buddy. So I erased it and drew a tiny limp one. He wrote "YOU BITCH!!!!" beside it and mentioned this morning that "it's not nice to make fun of people's handicaps." Yes, yes it is.
Laters

*grin* So I am not forgotten. He was just asleep when I called. Which makes sense as I called after one in the morning. I guess I just messed up on what I thought was his work schedule. Anyway, he wants to hang out Friday, and even spend the night-if I ask nicely. I think I can be nice enough to persuade him.
Yeah, me! Things are actually going well. At the moment. Well, other than the fact that I went to bed around six and got up at nine. But I'm not sleepy, so it's all good.
Laters

If there is a god and a heaven and therefor a life after death, why did this 'god' create a survival instinct? I highly doubt heaven is overcrowded. And if there is an eternal hell, then how can this 'god' be deemed benevolent and loving, or even fatherly? Punishment is to teach a child the right way to do things, not for the sake of punishing them for what is perceived as wrong. And suffering-why allow it? So the miserable can prove their love for this 'god'? A god who hands you nothing but pain just so he can test how much you love him, if your love is real. How sadistic is that? Sounds like it would make a good horror movie/every bad relationship anyone's ever been in. "Do you love me? 'Yes.' *smack* How about now? If you really loved me, you'd forgive me for punching you-and still love me despite the fact that I just punched you." That's sick, man, sick and twisted. Love should not have to be proven, only felt. And if this 'god' doesn't know you love him, how omnipotent can he be?
I have too many problems with this religion thing, too many questions that have no answers, and even if they do, the answers don't satisfy me. So I'll strive to be content to not know, to believe that maybe it can't be known, and to wait until later-see if it possibly becomes a priority to me.
NOW it's time for that shower. And possibly bed.
Laters

Haven't taken that shower yet. Got distracted with email and a movie. A very bizarre move, and why do they make sequels to the really bad films?
Anyway, my mind is on sex. Again. Damn, after all the bad shit, you'd think it wouldn't be so much of an obsession anymore. But it is, and I'm incredibly horny tonight/this morning/whatever. I'm thinking about Chestnut and how we DIDN'T have sex. I firmly believe in sex before marriage; you do need to find out if you're compatible in that area. But I don't want to rush it because I don't want it to turn into just a physical thing. If it's a "thing" at all; I haven't heard from him in two days. Am I more upset than I should be? Am I not upset enough? Am I over analyzing? Am I just insane? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time things just stopped for no goddamned reason. I still have no idea why my knight ceased communication. Or any number of others. Well, a small number, but still. I don't get explanations, just "no thanks"-if even that. More often it's a drifting off, a halt to contact, and a slow forgetting that somewhere someone meant something in the moment and is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Closier? Never get it. Keep thinking I don't need it, keep seeking after it, keep being denied it. Life keeps happening to me, and I keep wondering why. Why?
No, I didn't think anyone else had the answer, either.
Laters

I called. His phone was off, or he just didn't answer. I'm not even going to pretend not to be upset. I am. But not despondent. Maybe he'll call tomorrow. Or maybe never again. We'll have to see. And if he doesn't, I'll get over it. I always do. But it crushes me that I always HAVE to.
Now I'm going to go take a too hot shower and weep copiously for a while or so.
Laters

To call or not to call, that is the question. It's not like we'd made definite plans, but...well, it was mentioned that he spend the night tonight. Chestnut, I mean. And he hasn't called or shown up, and I'm debating whether or not to call him. On one hand, I don't want to disturb him if he did something like go to bed early. On the other hand, I don't want to seem disinterested. *sigh* This whole process is so complicated. And no one goes happily from nothing to everything, at least not in the dating department. Adam and Eve had it easy-no choice, fill the world with people. And here I am, not even knowing who my child's biological sperm donor is. Life happens to spite my plans.
Laters

(Oh, yeah, colour for my date. Chestnut. A warm, comfortable brownish colour. Very comfortable, in fact...)
Laters

LoL! So I went to take a shower and Slate had drawn a picture for me on the tiles. A heart with an arrow through it and a mouth in the middle with its tongue sticking out. So I erased it and drew him his own little shower buddy. (We got Amethyst these bathtub crayons for christmas.) I drew a naked man/woman/gender inspecific person. Well, hopefully he'll see it as a man, that's sort of what I was going for. Anyway, I just thought I'd share that amusing little tidbit. Even if it is only amusing to me-and/or it's one of those "you had to be there" kinda things.
Laters

Goddamn! It's like sex will not leave my mind. Plum came over tonight and...I know I could use all sorts of innuendo here, but nothing and nothing. Not that I didn't want to. Because dammit, I'm...I don't know. Horny as hell, wanting to jump someone, play with the handcuffs...dammit, I'm not thinking of a lot else recently. I don't know why-I mean, I have all these weird issues about sex. Some that I'm only vaguely aware of, others that I have no clue about. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, sexually speaking. Whatever, that part will either work out or I'll be fucked up for life. I'm not worried about that part. I'm worried about this obsession I have with sex, with wanting to fuck every man I meet. And Plum is attractive...
Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!
And I'm not really even worried so much as preoccupied. I don't even know what's going through my head at this point. I DO know what's going through my body-unfortunately nothing. Okay, that was "hi, I wish I were a joke". I really, really like this guy I went out with. I want to maybe have a relationship, but at the same time, I'm... ... ...there are just no words. Nervous, afraid, cautious? Partially and a lot and not all at the same time. I just...I've had relationships end. Well, only one real relationship, but it's my point of reference. Obviously. And I know what it feels like when that "new relationship buzz" wears off and you really get to know each other. Now, I'm accepting of quite a lot and will forgive and deal with almost anything, but there's a lot about me that's...nuerotic, psychotic even. (And yes, I know I'm using copious amounts of elipses, I'm addicted to them. I think they're kewl. Deal.)
Anyway, the point is...hell, there is no point. But what happened with Plum was that I walked him to the elevator and did not kiss him. As I was more than tempted to do. Instincts and all that. But I shouldn't have those instincts; I've already reproduced...
Speaking of which-and I know this is a very disjointed and probably disorienting chapter, and for that I almost apologize-Amethyst is awake now.
Laters

People do not change. But they do hide behind a facade of themselves, portraying people they don't even wish they could be. And sometimes it's possible to find the person they really are, to bring that person out from behind the mask, out from the shell into the world they only pretend to live in. And some people hide forever in that shell, knowing the fact that others see them as something else, too afraid or comfortable to know even themselves, much less anything or anyone else. And I wonder if I am one of the former or one of the latter. Because I know that the me others see is not the me I am or want to be. And I know that while I WANT others to see me, the real me, I also hide behind that facade-sometimes even to the point of building it up and enforcing it.
And still the question remains: Who am I?
Laters

So Slate read my blog today-which is kewl, it's not like I say anything in here that I haven't or wouldn't say to him. But he mentioned that he'd heard it all about six times today-the exact same conversation, same wording, etc. Only from my side, of course. Can I help it if a) I have to call everyone I know-okay, they all called me, but still-and tell them I had a good time? and b) why change perfection? I had all the right words to describe it and I used them. Over and over again. Hehehehe.
Oh, and I just noticed taht I never assigned him a colour. Oh, well. I'll have to get on that a little later, because I'm a little out of it right now. Gotta love the pain meds.
Laters

Okay, I was going to leave it at that, but I know of at least one person who'd be on the phone within twenty seconds wanting to know details when she read it. (Yes, I'm talking about YOU, Magenta-but you're still welcome to call if this isn't enough detail for you.) So here you go:
It's entirely possible that I dreamed this night. And I'll wake up tomorrow and nothing will have happened. But until then, let me tell you about my dream...
I met a boy. A guy. A man, if you will, but I don't tend to think of myself as a woman. And I had the most phenomenal time. He came over and met Amethyst and Slate, hung out and watched the tail end of the football game with us (Slate and I were horribly disappointed-our team lost). Then we got in his car and just drove aimlessly, neither of us suggesting anything to do. We finally decided upon and reached a destination-food: yummy, yummy Italian. We talked and laughed and made fun of the drunks-which is always a pleasant way to pass the time. Then we went for a walk. Down a dark alley. I was (hoping) afraid we'd get mugged, but it wasn't the kind of alley that anyone ever passes through. Which is a good thing because every two steps we stopped to kiss some more. Then we went to see a (bad) movie-and I'm going off on a tangent here really quick, but is no one else disturbed by the new trend of "we're about to get married but you're falling for someone else" movies that seem to be flocking to the theaters nowadays? Or is it just me? I'm sorry, but if MY fiance ditched ME at the altar...let's just say "it won't be pretty" is an understatement. Anyway, then we came back to my place where we sat in the car for a while kissing some more. And then came up to my apartment to "watch a movie I rented" and didn't really watch it at all. And not all of it was kissing, making out, whatever. There was also oral sex...LoL. But there was just holding each other and looking at each other and just generally being comfortable around each other. And we didn't fuck. Which we both very much wanted to do, but when he left he said that "hopefully it'll lead to a better relationship for us." *!* Well, it's been a while since I've been in a relationship, a real one at any rate. The long and short of it is that I really, really like him. And he said he'd call tomorrow. *more grinning*
Shower, bed, more dreaming.
Laters

*grin* Hell, strike that. *ear to ear grin-and bigger than that if my face would only stretch* Goodnight.
Laters

Well, my "date" for tomorrow hasn't called or written to suggest a time. I suppose I'll hear from him tomorrow. Unless I don't. Which wouldn't surprise me, but would upset me. But only marginally. Ah, whatever. If he doesn't, Slate and I can do something. S'all good.
Laters

Why is my mind so active? And on such...well, on the things it's on. Ah, well. I'mma go watch a movie.
Laters

Oh, pah. I have nothing to say. But instead of just not saying anything, I'm taking the time to acknowledge my lack of thought for the evening. Ah, well. It'll come back. Unless it doesn't.
Laters

Stormy and I are both having an ugly day. For the same reasons. Ah, well. We'll either get over it or we won't. But she's got a husband who sees her as attractive. Actually, technically so do I. But she's getting really, really good sex from hers. And mine's going out to get (good?) sex elsewhere. That's not the point. Actually, I don't have a point. That happens.
Laters

Well, fuck the whole goddamned world. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. It's just not very possible for it to be very nice. Good night.
Laters

Does love exist? And if so, who for? Guy meets girl, girl meets guy, everything is perfect for a while and then the end. Over and over again. Always "irreconcilable differences". Like any differences are reconcilable. Just every now and then people find other people who can tolerate their differences. I'm not one of those people. Even when I meet someone and apparently get along with them, shit just doesn't work out. So why do I bother? Because I'm obsessed with it. Because I had it and I lost it. Because...I don't know. I'm thinking a lot about this because I have a date on Sunday. I'm also thinking about sex. I like sex. I'm a big fan of sex. But I want the whole picture, the everything that SHOULD go along with sex, but for some reason never has with me. I'm thinking about having sex, since it's been a while. Like what, two, three weeks? Anyway, I'm thinking about Plum, and his little problem with virginity. Twenty-four years old, and how did he manage that? I'm also thinking about my year long hiatus from sex, and Magenta's new (what, nine months?) hiatus from it as well. But this is hurting my head, thinking about all this. So I'm done.
Laters

I'm in a good mood, la la la la la la! So I'm going to turn the music up too loud and go kick some undead ass.
Laters

Oh, man, my thoughts are all over tonight. So I'm going to pick one and rant about it and ignore all the others. Unless I don't, we've yet to see whether or not I'm capable of such a feat.
Okay, so there are some words I like and some I dislike. I know I'm the only one, but I have to have something to which I pretend to apply my amazing brain power. Anyway, I know it's a hugely dorkish thing, but I think about these things. Some of the words I like are "vex" and "feint" and "quaquaversal(ly)". Some of the ones I dislike are "wound" and "duty" and "appropriate". Well, "appropriate" and I are okay now, but it used to seriously piss me off when my dad used it when I was in high school. It's a whole rebellious teen thing. Don't ask.
And I did take my "long bath", so I feel better. And what's so amusing about posting this-or at leas the reason that I'm laughing-is that I know there are some males who read this and will probably not get the reference. But the point is that I'm not so...sexually aggressive at the moment. My mind is still firmly esconced in the gutter, but my body's not going to follow, not tonight.
Oh, and I'm talking to Plum. About sex. He's a virgin and he needs some help getting over that particular affliction. And I HAVE recently lost my fuck buddy...ah, we'll see. Speaking of which, yeah, Blonde and I are done with our "relationship". Which doesn't bother me for the connection of it, but it was the first time in my life I'd actually gotten really, really, really good sex.
So I'm not capable of picking one subject and sticking to it. Now we know.
And I have no concept of time. Which I've mentioned several times, but now I'm mentioning that Amethyst is picking it up from me as well. Her idea of "yesterday" is "anything that happened before five minutes ago". Well, except for that she's gaining a concept of "tomorrow". Because we used to promise her that "we'll do that tomorrow", but then the next day she remembers and reminds us. Ya know, I have no idea how to raise a child. In fact, I think I'm completely inept. Stormy knows about these things, she's wanted kids since she was a little girl. I know, I was there. Amethyst wants kids, too. She wouldn't eat her lunch yesterday and I asked her why not. She said "if I eat too much I won't have room for the baby." That's Stormy's influence, I tell you.
Anyway, Magenta hasn't called in a few days. Which is kewl, I just miss her. And I miss "she who will not be named or colour coded". Ah, well. I've invited them both out to see me...it's just not really practical for anyone.
Okay, I'm getting...I don't know, bored or irritated with writing this so I'm going to go do something else.
Laters

Blah. Talked to Plum tonight, but we were both distracted. He's supposed to come over sometime in the near future to watch movies and have me make him cookies. I like making cookies. Anyway, I'm kind of blah at the moment. Bored, lonely, frustrated at being both of the former. So I'm going to go loose myself in a movie or a book. Or maybe I'll just take a "long bath", if you know what I mean. Whatever.
Laters

"And I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
"I have to turn my head until my darkness goes."
"I press my tongue to the top of my mouth 'cause my jaw it was tired from the thinking. And I stretch my toes to the end of the couch 'cause my back it was aching from sleeping."
"I'm reaching out for the higher ground. To a warm and peaceful place where I can rest my weary face."
"It lasted forever, and ended too soon."
"One minute you're waiting for the sky to fall. The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all."
"She opens her heart to an old memory; she closes her eyes and she smiles. Just as her if she ever still thinks about me, she'll say 'every once in a while.'"
"I am everything you want; I am everything you need; I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be; I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why."
"Take a look. Here I am, can't you see? One simple smile from you could set me free. So if you take a look let your heart be your guide, I'll show you love if you take a look at the girl inside."
"I should tell you I'm disaster, I forgot how to begin it."
"I will be your everything."
"Don't give me songs. Give me something to sing about. I need something to sing about."
"Life is a game that no one wins, but you deserve a head start the way your life's going. So throw in the towel 'cause your life ain't shit-no, take the towel and hang yourself with it. Life's chort and hard like a body building elf. So save the planet and kill yourself. If you're feeling down and out with what your life is all about, lift your head up high and blow your brains out."
"Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out. Or looked down on."
"I could leave but I'll just stay. All my stuff's here anyway."
"I feel fine enough I guess. Considering everything's a mess."
"I'm tired of slowly sinking, still there's no one else to blame. I can't help it, I'm a quitter. From inside I'm cold and bitter."
"My heart is crushed by a former love. Can you help me find a way to carry on again?"
"Do you know what it feels like, being alone? I'll find someone new."
"I have faith in medication; I believe in the Prozac nation. You play doctor but I've lost patience."
"I have loved and I have waited. Been picked up and been sedated. Mental health is overrated."
"Just a dream, just an ordinary dream..."
"I'll be your dream; I'll be your wish; I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope; I'll be your love, be everything that you need."
"Who needs sleep? Well, you're never gonna get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what's that for? Who needs sleep? Be happy with what you're getting; there's a guy who's been awake since the second world war."
"Where do we go from here?"
"Don't breath too deep; don't take all day."
"It's not what you thought when you first began it. You've got what you want; you can hardly stand it though, by now you know. It's not going to stop...'til you wise up."
And that's basically the way I'm feeling tonight. I just thought their words were a lot closer to the mark than they ought to be and a lot closer than my own. Anyway, I'm going to bed. We're getting up early to go try out for a game show. I'll suck, but Slate won't be as bad (mainly because I suck at history and he rocks at it). And who knows? Maybe we'll meet at least a couple of cute, intelligent guys. Of course, knowing my luck they'll be married or gay-which works for Slate but leaves me screwed (no pun intended).
Anyway. I am going to bed.
Laters

Okay, I'm going to ritualistically slaughter my little antichrist. Amethyst is not my favourite person at the moment. And it's not like what she did was so horrendous-after all, getting into the candy is natural for a three year old-it's that she deliberately waited until Slate had left AND until I was dozing again (I haven't been getting much sleep lately so I sat her next to me and put some cartoons on while I was out of it). I even heard her getting into stuff in the kitchen and asked her what she was doing and she said "I don't have anything." I knew that she was doing something she shouldn't, but the point is SO DID SHE. And she did it deliberately. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! If these are the joys of motherhood, my child is going to sprout horns and a tail. Which is the prediction anyway, her being the antichrist and all.
Laters

So, here's something to ponder on: Let's say the whole world has in some way lost a day. Maybe we went through something with aliens and had to be memory wiped or something like that. Anyway, we lost a day but we don't know about it. So the day would actually be July second, but we'd all think it was July first. So would it actually BE July first, if the whole world-and I mean EVERYBODY-thought it was? What about little details like the phases of the moon and people who died during that missing day and TV programs and people who were injured during that day and a hundred thousand other tiny little things that I can think of, and I'm sure I can't think of everything. Would we notice? Would we all have this vague disconcerted feeling, a sort of strangeness that we couldn't explain? I mean, there are at least a million things that would have to be taken care of so that we wouldn't notice. Down to the most minute of details. But-keeping with my alien theme-I suppose if they had the technology to mind wipe the entire planet, they'd probably be smart enough to get those nigling little details. But, again, I'm sure even the most advanced of technologies can get a little careless every now and again-I mean, technologically advanced or not, I can't imagine them as being infallible. Every thing has its flaws.
Okay, that's my bizarre little rant of the evening.
Laters

One of these days I'll go to bed early and actually get enough sleep. One of these days. Anyway, I'm too sleepy to write more.
Laters

Although I'm probably going to miss him by fifteen seconds, I'm going to sign off this infernal machine and go to bed. Well, lay in my bed and watch a movie and/or read a book.
...
Well, scrap that idea. He just IMed me. Which is exactly what would happen. S'all good. Anyway, I'mma talk to him for a few and THEN go do my "I'm not really sleeping" thing.
Laters

I don't know if it's because I was raised that way or if it's just the way I am, but I have the mindset of "do what is necessary when it's necessary and little or nothing else unless it's fun." Which hasn't lead me to be the best employee ever. Although for the first little while at any job I've had I've done exceptionally well because it's interesting, the newness of it. And I've never really applied myself at anything. Because right now I know for a fact that I can do anything, anything I set my mind to. And if I try and fail...well, there goes that confidence.
Anyway, I'm tired of thinking about it. About anything. I'mma go read and watch a movie and wait for Plum to get back online. Yeah, I know I could sleep. But I'm not going to. Unless I do. So there.
Laters

Oh, damn. I didn't get to sleep until like five in the morning and then Stormy called at seven thirty. So I'm flippin' tired.
Anyway, my thoughts are on men tonight. Well, not exactly and yes, exactly at the same time. I'm thinking about my knight and how much I want to be with him. And then I think that maybe it's not him, but what I had or thought I had with him, and how much I want that, that connection. I don't think it would be as bad if I hadn't HAD that once. So it's like I know what I'm missing. I just...I want to spend the night in someone's arms, someone I care for, someone I could love. Not even sex, I'm not really interested in that. Just holding someone in my arms and being held in his...*sigh* I know I'm obsessing. It's what I do.
Laters

Okay, I'm going to try to pry myself away from this machine and attempt to get some sleep. Yeah, right. Wish me luck with that. Oh, and while I'm thinking of wishing people luck, my best hopes and wishes are with Magenta tonight. Because I miss her and I think she needs it.
Laters

Oh, and apparently I'm giving up sleep for my new year's resolution. Or for Lent, but that's not for a couple of months. Maybe it IS for Lent and I'm just going overboard. Ah, whatever. I'll get enough sleep when I'm dead. And the sooner the better...
Laters

Everything is so...wrong about today. It's like I'm waiting to wake up; it's that kind of real surrealism. But it hurts my head to think about it. Besides I'm having an interesting conversation with Plum about threesomes and foursomes. He even invited me to join one. How very male of him. But s'all good. I like him.
Laters

Goddamn, some people irritate me. Navy is one of them in a major way. He calls me up at midnight and gets me to go out of the house-in my pajamas (and for those of you who know what I wear to bed, stop snickering)-then when he gets here he plays video games with Slate and his friend for an hour and passes out on the couch. Plus, in the car he was all pinching me and licking my ear-and not in a good way-and falling asleep on me and jerking the steering wheel so the car weaved into the other lane. AND I have to wake my lazy ass up at the ass crack of dawn to take him back to he can fucking go snorkeling? No, I don't think so. No, no, No I don't. Amethyst went to bed after midnight, so she'll sleep until eight or ten. And I'm not setting an alarm. He can wake me up when he wants to leave. And then he can stay gone. Fuckin' putz.
Oh, and tomorrow (yes, I know, technically today) is one year for me and Slate. Kewl. We're gonna get a picnic and go to the beach or something. Well, we are if Amethyst is feeling better.
Anyway, I'm talking to Plum at the moment, and I'm kinda ignoring him in favour of this bloggy thing and that's just not right. He's much more...stimulating than this is. So
Laters

Dammit, I was all showered and everything. But I'm not sleepy so I guess it's no big deal. Navy wants me to go get him. So I'm going. Dammit. I don't really mind, like I said I'm not sleepy. But then he wants me to get up early in the morning and take him back so he can go snorkeling or something like that. Plans all weekend and he's squeezing me in after midnight. Thanks. Anyways, I'mma go get him. And not give him a blow job. Hehehehehe. It'd almost be cruel if it weren't so...amusing to me.
Laters

Is it so much to want a real relationship with a real man? *sigh* I suppose everyone wants that. But I'm ... going over and over the same ground. I'm sick of it. Are you?
Laters

Okay, I've only got about fifteen seconds before I have to take Amethyst to the doctor, but I thought I'd share an amusing little tidbit. After not talking with me or even responding to me in nearly two weeks, Blonde and I finally conversed last night. And he's engaged. So he's going to ask for "permission" to "see" me again. Since she lives so far away. LoL...yeah, I'd say "sure, what the hell, go ahead" if it were MY fiance. Yeah, I wouldn't. Anyways, I gots to run.
Laters

I think I'm clever. I think I'm damned clever, actually. Why? Oh, so many reasons. An example: I was filling out a questionairre one time and one of the questions was "How would you establish world peace?" To which I answered "Take over the world and insist." C'mon. That's clever. And funny.
Anyway, I'm thinking about my knight tonight. My knight. A man who took me to the moon for a view of the world he was about to crush for me. Is it so awful to want that? To want him, to love him, to want to know him and want to be with him? I wasn't imagining it. It was real at the time and I suppose he's just forgotten that. I am so tempted to hop on a plane and go find him. Even if I have to knock on every door in the state. I wish it were that easy. I wish the story was "Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they live happily ever after." But it's not. It's "girl meets boy with whom she foolishly falls in love and he for one reason or another shatters her heart." Then "rinse, repeat." Over and over again. And what can I do about it? Not a damned thing. Let them go and know that even though it's their loss, I'm the one left dealing with the withdrawl.
There's so, so much of that in my life. The losing of everyone I've ever cared for. I'm even going to lose Amethyst, but that's okay, that's different somehow. That's supposed to happen. I'm raising her so that it will, one day, happen. Stormy told me "just don't ever not know her." I hope I can. I don't think my parents did it on purpose, not knowing me. They just still see me as this teenager, this rebellious kid who'd come up with the most creative ways to con them out of money. I was that, once.
I'm feeling very lonely. Very...alone as well. I don't really have any friends here, not the kind that I can call up to go do something with at any rate. Yeah, there's Plum, but I don't want to intrude upon his life, ya know? Because whenever you call someone to do something with you they feel obligated to do it or give you a really fabulous excuse why they can't. And I don't want to impose. That's just the kind of girl I am. Unless I'm a woman, which I still don't feel is the case.
Also, that guy who came over the other night. He gets to be navy blue. Because he's in the navy and it seems appropriate to him somehow. It just has that ring of rightness to it. To me, at least. Anyway, that point is that he's all calling me two or three times a day and calling me "sweety" and wanting to get together...and while it's kinda nice to have that attention, it's also...well, he seems to want a relationship that's mostly sexual. Which could be kewl, for a while. He's not the kind of guy I could ever fall in love with. There are so few of those. I get so attached so easily...I wish others would get attached to me the same way.
I really, really, really, really miss my knight tonight. I wish I could read minds; I'd go into his and see if I'm part of it at all. I keep thinking "he doesn't even know my real name." And I want him to know, I want to tell him everything about me so that he knows and is okay with it. If he would be okay with it. I want so badly...but I've always wanted so badly, one thing or another. I guess it doesn't really matter how important it is to me, the universe just likes to play its little games.
My heart hurts tonight. It misses what it once had and yearns for what it almost had. There should be a ring on this finger. Not an empty contract to a man...who loves me for me and knows who I am but isn't really mine. Which reminds me, Saturday is our one year anniversary, Slate and I. One year of this amusing charade. We're actually going to celebrate. Yipee for me.
Anyway, I'm going to go dream of a life that doesn't so closely resemble god's cruel joke. Or hell. And I'm going to try to find the missing pieces of my heart. Ah, but that, too, will only happen in a dream.
Laters

I've spent the last several hours looking for myself on this damned DVD, and I swear that there's one part where you MIGHT almost see me. Maybe. But regardless of whether or not I'm there it's still kewl as all hell. Because I WAS there, and I met the guy and he was hilarious. It was a fun evening way back a year ago. Cold too. And now I'm all tropical and shit. Hehehehe. Anyway, I'm all tired and not really feeling as well as I think I should. Just lethargic and stuff. So I'mma go shower and go to bed.
Laters

Oh, man, I didn't post at all yesterday. Of course, I didn't sleep at all yesterday or last night, either. That guy came over and spent the night last night. And got upset that I didn't give him a blow job. Whatever. But at least he respected that I said no. Anyway, I'm exhausted. Not sleeping in three days does that to a person.
Laters

It's after three o'clock in the morning and I am STILL on the phone with this guy. Kewl. But I'm turning the computer off and going to bed.
Laters

Wanna guess how many of my new year's resolutions I've broken already?
Laters

I had a very productive meeting today. So it was all good. And I'm tired and kinda blah. And lonely.
Laters

Oh, and I get to see my psycho lady tomorrow. What she doesn't realize (cue the dark and creepy music here) is that tomorrow is her last chance. After that I'll probably end up getting someone new. Because even if you actively dislike your patients you should never let them know it.
Laters

I'm feeling mostly better, apart from a little nausea. Which I hope will go away while I sleep, which I'm about to do. But I thought I'd add a thought or two here first.
Hmmm...well, Slate is kewl, we're still getting along really great. Thank goodness. And Amethyst is still the antichrist, but at least she's cute about it.
And...Plum came over tonight. We watched this surreal movie and I made him cookies. Yummy cookies, I might add. Because I make damned good desserts. So there. Anyway, the impressions I get from him...well, see, I know he reads this. And while I know that this is for me and not for anyone else, I'm still very aware that he will see this. And comment on any remarks I have about him. But screw it, this is my space and I'll say what I want. So there. Again. Okay, back to my original (could I call it a point?) thought. I get the impression that he might want to kiss me but just doesn't know how. Not that he doesn't know how to kiss, but that he doesn't know how I'll react and he's kinda shy about the whole thing. He's not shy about telling me he's downloading porn, though...Maybe I'm wrong. That's happened once before.
Laters

Whaaaa!!!!!Waaaahhhh!!!! I miss GreyMatter!!!! He went away and left me!!!!! Now I'm weeping copiously, awaiting his return...
Laters

I talked to my parents today. It was okay. I found out what happened to a majority of my movies-damned brothers. And whatever else of mine they thought was interesting I'm sure is in their clutches. Ah, well. The point is that it's just stuff and my Amethyst and I are safe. That's the important thing. The less important but still damned annoying thing is that it's MY stuff...which I'll never see again.
Laters

My child ran around the house last night singing about how she was the AntiChrist. At this point I'm ready to believe it. I'm god, she's the AntiChrist and Stormy is an angel. Only now she's asking about everyone else. Well, Slate is a Priestess...and everyone else is a minion. Ah, gotta love corrupting the youth. Kindergarten is going to be fun. Maybe not for her teachers, but I'm already amused.
Laters

OMG, Amethyst is the weirdest child. She had chocolate all over her face when she woke me up this morning. And I asked her if she had eaten any and she said no. So I asked how it got all over her face and she decided that the wind came up and blew it all over her. Yeah. I believe that. Because it's so...believable. I mean, at least come up with something...more realistic. But it's really really funny. Until I kill her.
Laters

Blah. But at least I'm feeling better. And I'm watching a REALLY bad movie. I mean BAD. But it's giving me something to mock for the next hour or more.
Laters

I'm going to die. I just want to get well, dammit. I have been reprimanded and told to do so or else. It's not like I like being sick...
Laters

It is really hard to punish Amethyst. And not just because she's so cute and adorable and I just don't WANT to punish her. But also because she's really amicable about everything. Five seconds after being punished she's all giggly and loving and wanting hugs and kisses again. I just love her. Even though she got into my stuff again and dumped salt all over the floor and table and threw things over the balcony...and well, just in general she's been a royal pain while I've been out of it. Ah, well. She's napping now. Mostly because I threw her on the bed and told her she's never getting out of it again.
Laters

Did you ever have one of those "did I shave my legs for this" moments? I'm having one of those kind of lives. Did I come here for this?
Did you ever have one of those flash moments, one where the lightening strikes and everything is for that one moment all lit up and clear and you can see it all and it makes sense? Yeah, neither have I. Or if I have the moment faded long before I could understand it.
Laters

Last night Plum IMed me while Slate was on the computer. I was so out of it, it barely registered. And Slate was asking me what to say to him and I was like "just tell him it's you and I'll have to see him later". Duh. Also Magenta called. Damn, I miss her. I miss that whole piece of my life. *sigh*
I woke up with a fever this morning. And a sore throat. I'm just getting worse, dammit. And Amethyst is driving me batshit with her attention hungriness.
I'm gonna go rest now. Since I didn't really sleep last night.
Laters

Well, fuck a duck, I can't sleep. No surprise there. Blah. I know I'm sick and all, but I'm really in the mood to make out. With...I dunno, someone special. But there are only two people who I'd actually like to make out with. Both of whom read this blog. Neither of whom are currently in the area. Ah, well. I'm all icky anyway.
Laters

I wasn't going to post today. In fact, I shouldn't-I should be asleep or at least resting. I've not felt this ill in a long, long time. Since I had the plague six or seven months ago. *grumble* I hurt. And I don't feel well. I'm going now.
Laters

While I was showering I thought of a couple of new year's resolutions. I thought I'd share:
One) I will not converse with the stupid, not even to tell them off or to tell them just how stupid they are.
Two) I will not get into a battle of wits with unarmed opponents. This basically means that I will never again argue with anyone.
Three) I will cease with my ridiculous-at this point-obsession with men.
Four) I will acknowledge that I will never fall in love and strive to accept this fact and it's consequences on my life.
Five) I will rob a bank-and get away with it.
Ah, that works. If I come up with any more I'll let you know. Oh, and I'm thinking about starting a pool as to when I'll break each one. Because, c'mon. Let's be realistic here, at least marginally so.
Laters

So it's my first "holiday season" in this area. Of course, with all the moving around I do I say that a lot. Anyway, the point is that it's only a little after nine and already there's a layer of fog/smoke all over the area. And it's loud. I can't wait til midnight, watching the fireworks out my balcony while lying in bed miserable.
Laters