So today was better. I made my turkey and it was phenomenal and then Stone and I went to see a movie with Amethyst. Gotta love the movies. And I'd even recommend this one. Anyway, today was survivable and now I have to go watch a movie with my (impatient bastard) friend.
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I have not slept. I've spent the entire day at the hospital and the police station, and I keep thinking, why does this happen to me? One of those "it'll never happen to me, it's always someone else" type things. Except when it does happen to me. And still I try to talk myself both into and out of believing it. I'm going to shower, something I was not allowed to do until this point. Stupid tests and swabs and needles...
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I'm going to bed. Finally. But...wow. Is it possible? Only when there are thousands of miles of water, a few sadistic fish, and any of a million other obstacles life has created to fuck with the likes of me. Once again, I hate the divine.
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Yeah, it's almost five in the morning. I was about to go to bed at two, but my knight showed up online. And we're doing this doodle thing and he draws a rocket ship, invites me to the moon. Then draws an elaborate picnic. THEN...he draws a hand holding a box with an engagement ring. All I could say was "wow". And then he draws the inside of a church, complete with a priest-who asks "do you" to which he answers yes. Then asks me "do you". "Yes." Life fucking with me once again. An ocean away. Fate can go take a painful flying leap, with a sudden, diabolical end.
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Ah...so I got no sleep last night and Slate is gone. Gone, gone, gone!!! I have the house to myself, I can go where I want, when I want, with whom I want, and I can do what I want in my own damned home. Slate's not that bad. But we DID need a vacation from each other. MwaaHaaHaaa! And Blonde is supposed to come over later this evening, and Stone sometime soon as well-I'm the only one he knows here, and it IS Thanksgiving time. But the point is that I can leave my doors open and unlocked and have people over...Ah, bliss. Any-hoo, I'mma go take a nap while Amethyst watches a movie and eats cookies.
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Is it possible to fall in love? After a year? A month? A week, a day, an hour? A conversation during which you never even see each other? TWO such conversations? His colour...Shiny Armour. Perhaps shorten it? Just use Silver? Somehow...I don't think that's appropriate. My knight, my prince...I think I could fall in love. Maybe we have already.
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Women can be so dense sometimes. That's the way we are, I guess. We create a relationship where none exists, holding out hope for the impossible. Or maybe just me again. There isn't a shred of intimicy between me and Blonde. None. No affection, no emotion even. Nothing. Just sex. Really, REALLY good sex, but that's it. And, despite my protestations to the contrary, up until tonight I was trying to make it something more. Create in it a closeness that didn't exist. But tonight...tonight we had a mini adventure. We went to get an air mattress-he just got a new apartment, and while he has it all to himself, there's nothing in it-and he forgot to get batteries for the pump. So what did he decide to do? Was it...go get batteries? No, of course not. He decided to fill it with water. Which we endeavored to do for about an hour and it was still barely there. But the whole time we were trying this futile thing, there was no touching, no holding, no carressing, no even talking, really. And afterwards there was just sex. We didn't even kiss at all, all night long. I guess it's good to know that for absolutely sure now. But, it's kinda like killing the last of my hope. Lots of things are killing it recently. Stormy's right, though. I just can't quit.
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Oh, and I'm sore. My shoulders and back. I could REALLY use a massage right about now...But instead I'm just going to go lay down. Amethyst is eating lunch and watching a movie, so I probably have about half an hour of peace.
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Hmmm...well, I talked to Stormy and she accused me of being boy crazy. I'm not denying that. But she also said that I was simply incapable of quitting all this wannabe dating that I'm doing. On the one hand, I want to agree with her and just keep doing what I've been doing that's been making me miserable. On the other hand, I both don't want to be miserable, and I see her statement as a challenge. So I don't know what I'm going to do. Because, in case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of flighty. Whishy-washy. And I change my mind a lot. And...I met this guy. He's too far away, across an ocean. But we had the most amazing, phenomenal conversation I've pretty much ever had. I don't know how to describe it, other than to say it was exquisite. I mean, we talked about EVERYthing from music to books to tattoos and piercings to finding oneself to starting a religion to life and circumstance to favourite numbers to the nature of evil to marriage and children. One of those conversations that runs away with you, starts off at a certain point and wanders. I LOVE shit like that. Yet again, life and distance separate me from what I want. But I had the most awesome dreams...
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I got drunk again last night and that's why I didn't post. Well, I was drinking, but I didn't get to the drunk phase. Not even really buzzed. But I didn't have anything new to add, other than lamenting the fact that Royal is an idiot, and the fact that I'm going to be all alone for Thanksgiving-Slate is going out of town to be with his family-and the fact that Amethyst isn't going to be able to grow up with massive amounts of family around for the holidays like I did. Oh, yeah, on an amusing tangent, Slate's WHOLE family is going to be there. ALL of them. And only have of them know about us and the whole marriage thing. The other half don't. I'm going to be REALLY amused when he calls me whining about how someone got drunk and asked him about his "wife" in front of someone who didn't know. Because how is he going to explain that? LoL.
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I am drunk, so I am going to bed. It feels good to be drunk.
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Guys suck. I'm sick of them. Royal was supposed to come over tonight but instead he calls saying he forgot his wallet so he had to go home. And then...he goes into "I have more in common with you than anyone since my best (guy) friend three years ago. But something is just not right." And he "broke up" with me. Even used those words. Two dates and we're "breaking up". I'm tired. Of finding a guy I really, REALLY like and having "something" not be right. What the hell is WRONG with me? What's my fucking flaw? Or what am I missing? Is there an inherent necessary quality I am lacking? Whatever. I'm sick of crying about it. So I'mma go weep for a fortnight or two and get over it. I'm not crying just over him, although I am upset about it. I'm crying also over the general trend of my life. Quaquaversal-and why did I hope for otherwise?
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I don't want to seem like a horny little bitch, but I really want to screw Blonde tonight. I just kinda feel like Royal and I may be going somewhere and I wanna get in as much really good sex as possible before that happens. I have serious sex issues. I left the love of my life over it. Well, the love of my life up to this point. I've been with a lot of guys. Most of whom I didn't even like, much less love. Sure, sex is only part of a relationship, but it's an important part. As all parts are important. AND, I like sex. Sex is important to me, and if something is important to your partner in a relationship, you work to make it good. You work to make it work. I dunno. I don't know. I am utterly confused and contradicting myself and just blah. I don't know what I want, what's important to me, what I like, where I'm going, who I'm going with. I really like Royal. And so...I'm telling Blonde nope.
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So I don't have to create problems that don't exist. I can just discover real ones. Royal. Yeah, he's a virgin. Not that that's a bad thing, but for the reasons I've stated before, it's not MY thing. I'm not unwilling to find out if it will work still, but I'm a little...disappointed. I could tell he was sexually inexperienced, and I got the feeling that he MIGHT be a virgin, AND when I was discussing GreyMatter with him I got that definite vibe. I don't know. I still like him a lot. We'll see. We've got a "date" for tomorrow. More of a challenge, really. To see which of us has the bigger reaction to each other's stories. *sigh* I must admit I'm a little disappointed. But I'll try not to let it colour my reactions or feelings towards him. I'm done for now.
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And now I'm going to bed. Which is okay, because Amethyst didn't go to bed until an hour ago. I just had this lovely chat with someone from Missouri. For almost seven hours. He seems nice, in a sweet, harmless, fumbly/cute kinda way. Nope, no colour. I'll either have to ask him what colour he wishes to be or meet him in person and determine for myself. Yeah, I'm going to ask him.
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But I promise to get into the details tomorrow. Just like I promise to edit those two entries from two weeks ago.
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"Let's just be friends." While I like having friends, there are some people I just don't want to hear this from. Ever. I guess I should go into a long description of him whom I have deemed Chocolate. But I don't want to. I'll just mention that he actually emailed me back and let it go at that. Hey, I'm actively female this week. I have a right to do ANYthing, and woe, WOE be unto he who does not respect that. I say he because any she would automatically respect that.
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Finally had a "discussion" with Slate. An almost arguement. But we worked things out, and he still loves me. And I still love him and everything's going to be okay. AND I talked to Royal today, but not for long, he was busy at work and had plans afterwards. *sigh* I'm definitely one who needs attention. And when I meet someone I like, I wanna spend more time with them...but maybe I'll see him tomorrow-I'm going to invite him over at any rate. Because Slate works all night tomorrow night...and every night this week, including Friday and Saturday. Actually, Blonde wants to come over Friday. I don't know. I like sex with him, he's totally amazing, and the best sex I've ever had. But I REALLY like Royal, and I don't want him to feel betrayed. Which he might already because of last Friday, but probably not because we weren't really anything then and now...well, we've talked every day and I've told him how much I like him and...okay, I'm rambling. I'mma go.
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I am the type of person who doesn't lock the door. In fact, I leave it open when there's not a lot of wind. My theory is: if you know the way, and you want my company, just come on in. Don't even knock. You'll probably find me without a shirt-I don't wear one around the house-and in a funky/bizarre/weird bra-I don't think I own any normal ones. I'm just friendly that way. I'm all about my house is your house, come on in and share. Southern hospitality kicking in-and hey, I did spend a number of my formative years in the south. Anyway, the point is, Slate is not that kind of person. He's all about shut, locked doors and privacy. And peace and quiet. It bothers me that he's so reclusive, but it's his choice. My REAL problem is that he wants to make it my choice, too. Except he's taking the "choice" part out of it for me. *sigh* I'm sick and tired of people dictating my life. He's even going so far as-never mind, that's for another day. When I'm angrier. Today I'm just a little...I don't know the right word. I'm MISSING things at the moment. People, mostly. I miss Stormy something awful. I miss the way she and Amethyst were together, how she's partly responsible for Amethyst, how Amethyst is OUR child, not just mine. I miss my friends-the groups of us getting together for any or no reason and just being comfortable with each other's company. I miss Ruby, the way I felt around him, the way I could talk with him, the way he doted on Amethyst, the way I loved surprising him with little gifts all the time, the way I was safe with him. I miss my family, the holiday traditions-and now no one misses me. In fact, they're relieved to have me out of it. I miss the potential that existed between myself and GreyMatter, but I appreciate that we can both be realistic about the situation. I guess I appreciate that. I miss the up-all-night-not-a-care-in-the-world attitude I used to have. Well, I still sort of have it, but no one to share it with. I miss Hunter, the way we were with each other, the way everything was all right with him and the way he never took any of my bullshit. I miss being a child and being sick and getting to stay home from school and getting all that attention from my mommy. And daddy. I miss faking sick and skipping school. I miss not faking sick and leaving school early. I miss a lot of things. But nothing I can have back, nothing tangible, nothing...well, no stuff. Ah, well. When I speak of these things, I do not speak of wanting those times or those people back, and I have no illusions of getting them so. I only mention that tonight I am noticing more actively what I have lost, and not so actively what I may have gained.
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So it's on those days that I don't feel good that Amethyst has MASSIVE amounts of energy. Jumping off the freakin' WALLS! I am so frustrated. But again, it's just her being three. And Slate is acting like a complete asshole, throwing her in her bed for being upset when he tells her to shut up. Actually used the words "shut up". And now he wants me to make a list for the grocery store, because he doesn't want to "deal" with her. She's MY kid. I'M dealing with her. Fucking asshole, man. Fuck him, I need to go to the grocery store. He always gets the wrong shit anyways. Fucking store brands that sit unopened in the cabinets for months. I understand the need to save money. But if it's not going to get used at all, don't get it. Especially since it's the difference of like twenty cents. Goddammit!
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I have been craving beef. And not just beef. I've been seeing these commercials for the "ultimate bacon cheeseburger" and it looks so...GOOD. Not just edible. Delicious. Do you know what would happen to me if I ate that? I would die. Yes, dead. It's been more than seven years since I've had red meat or pork. I no longer produce the enzyme to be able to digest it. Why am I craving it? I don't KNOW! I've not even MISSED it the past seven years, much less wanted or craved it. And no, I'm not one of those "love the animals" people. It was a personal choice, health reasons, laziness. Other stuff. But not animal friendliness. Not that I hate animals. I'm all about your house, your pet, your choice. I'm not a pet person. I'm not as anti-animal as Stormy is, though. Her fourth birthday she shrieked and ran out on Chucky Cheese. And don't get me started on her and bugs. Okay. I'm done. Oh, except to say that Royal didn't call, but he did leave me a message online saying he was going to bed early. Yay! I am unforgotten.
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Hmmm...LoL. I just don't know what to put today. Amethyst is asleep. Which is good, she needed a nap. I'm feeling better, but I still think I'll get pretty sick. I'm a little mad at Stone because he a) was supposed to call yesterday and still hasn't and b) owes me money which will be my only money when Slate goes out of town for two weeks. So I need it for groceries and Thanksgiving, etc. And I'm amused as all hell because my friend GreyMatter has had this kinda stalker chic, right? Well, not exactly stalking, but they had this one phone conversation where he got the impression that a) she's a "country" girl-in a bad way, b) she's "got enough baggage for a world tour", and c) if he "wanted drama in his life he'd have majored in theater". So he's no longer interested. Kewl, right? Right by him and me, but she doesn't get it. She called him like ten times each day this weekend. He was just going to let her keep calling until she got the message, but then she called and left this ANGRY message-"Call me NOW" type thing. So, I called her. Hehehehe! I told her that I'd moved away and was unexpectedly moving back and wanted to get back together with him. She didn't say much. LoL. Just a standoffish "thanks". But I have little sympathy. After all, get the hint. Anyway, now he's off the hook, and indebted to me. Woohoo! Okay, I'mma go now. Multi-tasking doesn't even begin to cover what I'm doing at the moment. Too many people, TV, music, phone, this.
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I think I'm getting sick. Blah. That time right before you get sick when you just feel icky, but fine enough to do everything, but you don't want to because you don't feel well? That's me. And my tongue ring is tickling the top of my mouth and just feeling uncomfortable. I kinda wanna take it out to sleep, but I'm afraid I won't be able to get it back in. I just don't feel well. I wish I had someone to take care of me. I miss my childhood's mommy.
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Today is one of those days where I just feel like nothing is going to happen. With my life, with my friends, with my "new boyfriend", with Amethyst, with any plans I made or have been contemplating. I really need company right now and the only people I know here are horny little boys. I don't need that kind of company. I need the kind of company that's just comfortable. Even with silence, because I'm sick of whining about my problems. Actually, what I really want is spend-the-night company. It's been so long...it would be nice to just sleep curled up in another's arms. I might have actually suggested it to Royal, but he's got plans. *sigh* Maybe I just want some positive attention paid to me tonight. Yeah, that's it. Would be nice. As it is, I'm probably going to go read a book and fall asleep early. Well, as far as eleven or midnight is early-early for me at any rate.
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I'm sleepy. And I have nothing interesting to contribute. I could have just skipped it for tonight, but I feel I've been neglecting my poor blog lately. And how dare I neglect the poor, innocent blog to actually go out and lead a life! Any-hoo. I'mma go shower and sleep. And dream about Royal, and wish he were sharing my bed tonight.
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I just got off the phone with my sister. She always makes me feel...not necessarily better, though that's often the way it turns out. But more real. Like nothing exists until she knows about it. Anyway, we've been discussing colours for her and finally came up with one we both like. Stormy. The colour of her eyes. They're this storm cloud blue with these dark outer rings. I just love her eyes. I can see how her husband fell in love, gazing into them. She originally wanted to be Sapphire, but that's my colour. And even though this is first person, and I don't really need a colour, it's more me anyways. So Stormy she is. And we talked for hours. As we have a habit of doing. We talked about me and her and her husband and mine and my new "boyfriend" and about Blonde and Amethyst and those who have chosen to comment on this blog, and the one who has chosen to see me from out of it and judge me because of it. She, as I do, agrees with him. But doesn't understand my fascination with him. Actually, I think she might be a little jealous of him-up to this point she's been the only one whose critique I have accepted. And now I admire someone else for it. Well, maybe she's not jealous, in as such. Maybe she sees the need for someone else to give me a mental kick in the ass so I can just get over myself. Or at least over the injustices I perceive myself to have suffered. And those I actually have suffered. And I'm rambling again. Because I'm slightly buzzed. Mmmmmm, alcohol. Good thing I'm old enough for it. And now I'mma go read if I can see the pages and just pass out if I can't.
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Mmmmm, need sleep...Late last night Blonde calls and wants to get together for our usual entertainment. I explain about my new guy and he comes and gets me anyway. Up all night with our usual entertainment...Which was really nice, good, fun, and all, but I told him that's it. No more. Because even though Royal and I don't have anything specifically arranged or definitely going on, I want to concentrate on him exclusively, and not divide my attention-even just physical attention. Am I going to tell Royal about it? Yes. I am an honest person. Besides, I gave up all that really, really good sex for him. I'd be flattered. Anyway, I'm really tired. I'mma see if Amethyst will take a nap with me. Sleep...Sleep...zzzzzzzzzzz
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So Royal showed up a little after two thirty and took Amethyst and I to see the new Harry Potter movie. Then we got back and put her down for a nap. Mmmmmm, kisses. Anyway, Slate needs to use the computer.
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I want to tell you about the first traumatic thing that ever happened to me. Birth. Not that I remember that much about it, even though I was there. No, I just get the impression that it might have been somewhat comfortable inside, and rather uncomfortable outside. That, and outside there's a whole life to live, with expectations and letdowns and trials and tribulations and highs and lows, and of course I wasn't prepared for that. I was intelligent enough to know that then. But there's no denying the physical laws, damned nature. Out I came. Traumatic, yes? I thought so. I screamed.
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Oh, dammit. Colour. After careful consideration-and conference with the Crayola website-he is Royal Purple. Hmmmmm...Royal (a very appropriate match for me-those of you who know how I answer the phone should concur). *Wandering off to grin some more.*
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So he came over tonight. Guy I've been talking to. We were talking on the phone while he was at work and he mentioned that he didn't have anything to do tonight so I suggested he hang out with me. Slate had already cooked dinner, so when he got here he took me for dessert while he ate dinner. And we hung out and talked like all night. Well, five, six hours or so. And when he left he kissed me. NICE. But how does one give details for something like that? For the whole evening? I can't. I can give my overall impressions, and that's about it. I really like him. But I'm still holding back. I'm excited about it, but there's something...missing somewhere. And not in him, and not between us. In me. I'm kinda wary. Which is understandable-we all have our stories of heartache and loss. I don't want to expect it to go anywhere, but I don't want to not hope for that either. So...just, if you know me and love me and understand me-or even if you don't and just for some reason care-don't let me talk myself out of this one. He's my kinda guy.
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I will not create problems for situations that do not exist. I will not create situations that do not exist. I will not create situations that don't exist just so that I can create problems for them. Yeah, right.
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So I'm talking to that guy again tonight. And he's using his cell phone because he doesn't have a land line. Well, he's only got so many minutes, because his nighttime minutes don't go into effect until the 25th. And he says to me "I'd be happy to spend as much as it takes to keep talking to you, but then I wouldn't be able to buy you as many roses as you deserve." !!! I'm not giddy. Well, maybe a little. You just have no idea how that was such the perfect thing to say to me. Anyway, I'mma go. Slate and I are gonna watch a movie we rented.
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OMG, Amethyst is so cute. Adorable. Friendly. Sweet, sensitive. Honest. Talkative. I just love her. She's dancing around the house singing "Sugar Sugar". I wish I had the video camera. TOO cute!
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And no, I haven't updated those two entries yet. I'll get to it. I promise.
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So I decided-even though I didn't post about it until now, it was a couple days ago-that I'm not gonna keep on scrogging. I know, I'm flighty. Chics are allowed to be that way. The question of why? Well, I don't care enough to expend the energy required to make all these hookups. That and I know that right now I'm in a bad way but sometime in the future I'll probably regret acting as foolish as I currently am. I know I have in the past. And...I know it's not what I want. Just because I'm pretty sure I won't find it doesn't mean I should compromise myself in the interim. My sister said that I probably do care and that's why I'm scrogging these boys. Because I want people to like me. External validation strikes again. So whatever, right? Anyway, I met this guy. And I like him. And I talked to him for four and a half hours tonight without anything being awkward. I even told him about my marriage dealie and all that weirdness. And he didn't freak out. Kewl. I even forgot for a while that I was talking to a guy, and was just talking as if I'd known him for a while and we were just getting reacquainted. It was really awesome. However, I refuse to put any enthusiasm towards the situation. Because I know it'll end up just another failure-apparently that's what I'm good at. But...four and a half hours. Usually I'm sick of people after ten minutes. And he offered to take me and Amethyst to see the next Harry Potter movie. Excellent. And he's got the added bonus of telling his friends that he's going out on a date with two cute chics. Even if I could find a babysitter-and I think Slate's got the weekend free-I can't go see that one without her. Damn, my thoughts are just coming out unordered tonight. Floating around aimlessly and flowing through my fingers the same way. So I'mma go. And I'll let you know how it goes with this one.
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Time takes time. Time to heal. Time to forget. Time to get over it. Time to fall in love. Time wounds all heels.
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I would like to take this almost opportunity to mention a friend of mine. I'mma call him GreyMatter. Because if he ever reads this, he'll know I'm talking about him. And why. Anyway, he pointed out to me that he took me out on TWO real dates. Which is true. He did. He even kissed me the second time-and he said that I was a good kisser and that if I'm ever in the area he'd like to take me out again. All of which is totally kewl. Honestly, I really like him. A lot. He's incredibly intelligent and totally cute. I can talk to him for hours on end, and it's never awkward or uncomfortable. I feel like I can trust him. But...well, he's completely physically awkward around me. Fidgetty for some reason or other, and that's normal, nervousness and such. And he's a virgin. Which I can respect and even admire to a point. Because it is difficult to not only set but also live up to that standard in your life. Believe me, based on my recent-and even not so recent-experiences, I know. It's just that...I dunno, I guess I'm like most women. I don't want to say what I want, especially in the bedroom. I just want the guy to know. And be good at it. And I don't want to train someone like that, ya know? I mean, yeah, you kinda have to train every partner you have because they don't know what YOU specifically like, but this is like starting from scratch. And I always buy the mix, if you know what I mean. I don't know, it's not like I'm even there, so it's not really even an issue. But I do really like him. And it's just like me to create problems to a situation that doesn't even exist. And it's not even a problem-I believe very strongly that sexual problems work themselves out-if you're both willing to work, too. Anyway, that's my overall impression of GreyMatter. And I'mma go. A song just came on that...reminds me of when.
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I am being observed and judged by a stranger. I think I enjoy it. The people who are familiar with me observe and judge me based on their interactions with me, opinions they formed upon first meeting me and have revised as they have come to know me. This stranger knows nothing about me, has never met me, and yet reads these my words and interprets them according to his own scheme. Excellent. He has pointed out flaws he has perceived in both my words and myself-and has hit the mark every time. Perhaps I should be offended at the audacity of his comments. Perhaps I should challenge his right to judge me-but of course he has the right to judge me, at least according to me. We all judge and prejudge and hold our own opinions about everything. He merely voices them. To me. Amazing. I am awed at his perception. Awed and...I don't know. Saddened maybe. Because perhaps I don't want to be the person he sees. Or maybe I want him to see the person I almost was, or could be, or should be, or have been. It's interesting to have your life eviscerated by someone who has never been a part of it. Because I cannot colour his remarks with "he knew me when I did this" or "he had a grudge against me for that" or even "I've changed since then (or he has)".
Anyway, I will now sum up his observations of me to date. Tell me whether or not you agree with him. I do.
1) I write poorly
2) I am uninteresting
3) I have potential (although for what, towards what, or to do what is still a mystery)
4) I am bitter-at the world and at myself for who I am
5) I am hypocritical
6) I whine
7) I am looking for someone to blame
8) This does happen to normal people
9) I make multiple mentions of what a good person I am yet share no examples of such
As I said before, I agree with this man. But...I wonder how much he's read? This page? The last? I want him to read it all, to give a complete opinion on every aspect. I would never ask for this, of course-I realize he has his own life probably several thousands of miles away. But I am curious.
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Who are you?
I'm not you. I'm just someone exactly like you. Someone who has had the exact same experiences in the same order, at the same times with the same people and in the same places. So I'd guess I know you pretty well.
Why are you doing this?
To help you. To better understand yourself. Because I know you don't think you love you.
What do you want?
I want peace. I want to believe in something. I want not to hate myself for who I am while congratulating myself at the same time. I want to stop wanting. I want to stop dying. I want to stop crying. I want it all to go away. I want it all to change, to stay the same. I want to understand. No, I want someone else to understand.
Understand what?
Me would be the simplest answer. And the truth, but there's more. I want someone to understand that it matters not what I have gone through, and that others have had it worse. Because I know that. But just because others have had it worse does not lessen my pain. My view of the world.
What is your view of the world?
Hope. I know better. I KNOW. Without a doubt I know the futility of it. But still I hope. More than anything else.
Where are you looking?
I'm not. And everywhere. In everything I do, even this, I hope for that one...miracle might be the word. But I tell myself that I am not looking. So I can tell myself that I am not disappointed every night. And every morning. And every moment in between the two.
Do you think this will help?
No, of course not. But I hope.
Laters
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I am closer at this moment to believing in the divine than I have been at any other point in my life. Because something out there is cosmically fucking with me, with us, and I'm having a hard time believing there's no one/nothing out there laughing about it. And whatever it is laughing at us sure knew how to drive it home. It took what each of us most wanted and gave it to the other, but that wasn't enough. Then it had to deny it to its rightful owner. Whatever god or divine creature did this may now have my belief. But it also has my hatred. And anger. And vow to get even. Or die trying.
I never wanted this.
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It is death to realize that the only thing you've wanted your whole life will never be yours. I will never be loved like that.
Laters

I'm tired of being me. I've been thinking that I hate the stupid, able to exist in their ignorant little bubbles. But maybe I'm not hating them because they irritate me. Maybe I hate them because I'm jealous. Well, I know I hate them because of their stupidity. But sometimes I AM jealous. Because they don't have all this potential they are wasting. They just have their little worlds, full of nothing. Maybe it's not everything I hate. Maybe it's everything I'm missing. Or maybe I was just right in the first place. I don't know. I just know that I'm sick of everything. Change is good, but all it presents is different problems, not an end to them at all. Ah, well, I don't know what I'm saying tonight. I'm tired. And rambling. I'mma watch the rented movie and go to bed early. Like eleven is early. But I'll probably post again before I slumber. Or at least maybe edit those entries like I've been promising to do.
Laters

Ya know something else? This is a public website. There's even a link to it on my profile. Anyone could read this shit that I spew, and know anything about me. But most don't. Or if they do they read one thing. So I have guys who are still under the assumption that I've not had sex in a year and they are the ones priviledged enough to break that streak. WhatEVER! Still in the self-destructive, scrogging whatever phase, and I don't really care. About anything. Well, Amethyst, but sometimes I wonder if that's artificially induced. Like maybe I don't really love her, I just think I do, or even just pretend to because I should, ya know? Damn, she needs to get away from me. Therapy's not going to help the damage I'm inflicting here. She should just go, get somewhere...healthy. Where she is loved.
Laters

I'm still pretty despondent. I sent Stone home tonight even though he could have stayed, he had tomorrow off. But all the time I'm with him he's either on the phone or the computer talking to all his "friends"-and the reason it's in quotations is because some of these are people he's barely even met. I mean like yesterday. He even declined the invitation to go with me to a movie last night because he wanted to be on the phone. I was PISSED. I mean, Amethyst and I can go to the movies by ourselves any old time. Whatever. Then I got back and he made up some excuse about his grandfather being in the hospital. Which I know is bullshit. Plus I just can't handle talking to him right now. Every time I even start to tell him that I'm hurting or depressed he goes into this "you think you are, this is my shit" rant. Like he's had it so bad forever and no one else is allowed to feel pain. It's really fucking irritating. I don't wanna hear about his problems-that he's not even experiencing right now-especially when he interupts my present moment to talk about his twelve year old artificial angst. So I sent him away. Because I'd rather be alone than with people this apathetic to my existence.
Laters

Mmmmm...was gonna have another guy over tonight, and he still wants to come, but Stone is still here, and I think I need to recuperate for a day or two. Or a week. But a month only lasts so long...I dunno, I don't think I care, really. Actually that's the point. That I don't care. I'm gonna be all alone for Thanksgiving, and Christmas isn't going to be any better with Slate here. I miss my sister. And my friends. And even my family, though the bitterness is still there. Whatever. I'mma go. Although I think I'll be on later to fill in those two missing entries. Check back.
Laters

OMG. So I thought I was sore before? No. No no no, no no. I'm sore in places I didn't know could be bruised. But at least this is a good sore. Because I had FUN. I was twisted up and down and all around...I finally did things I've only seen in books. Size and stamina and technique (!)...Wow. And afterwards we just sat around naked, half talking, half falling asleep. Was really nice. Oh, and apparently I give the best blowjob ever. He's never had anybody able to make him cum before. I rock, I rock, la la la la la la! Anyway, I'mma go get Stone and hang out with him today.
Laters

Nope, not tomorrow. I'm sore as hell, but who cares, right? Guy coming over-Blonde, actually. We're gonna give it another go. I'll let you know if I just die.
Laters

I feel used. But it's not like I wasn't using him, too, ya know? It's just that he got the opportunity to use me for his purposes (sex) and I did not get the opportunity to use him for mine (dinner, movie-I'm a simple girl). No fair! Ah, well. There has to be some guy out there who's willing to take a beautiful (if flawed) woman out on an actual date. Until I find one, though...I'mma invite another guy over tonight. I think. I might not be up to it, I'm still bruised. Might want to give myself time to heal, and have one over tomorrow night instead. I'll figure it out. And let you know.
Laters

I need external validation. I know this. I do not consider this a weakness or a flaw, merely a part of my personality, of who I am. But I don't get it a lot, this external validation. So usually I settle for the lack of criticism. And now I'm not getting that, either. Just another reason I'm in the downward spiral right now. And for the next several months it looks like.
Laters

Okay...well, while I was typing last night/this morning/whatever I was under the impression that Argile was outside smoking. He was not. He called a cab and went home. Fuck it, whatever. If all he wanted was a fuck, he could've just said so. Not like I'm in a position to care. (Although he did not get to cum, so hahahaha!) So I do not have a boyfriend, and thank...whatever, if there is a whatever. Anyway, I'm not all about calling, or IMing or even emailing the little fucker-not even just to tell him he's a little (literally) fucker. But I WILL put his name and Yahoo ID and even phone number on a public website so all of YOU can tell him what a little fucker he is-Mike, misterrukis96(@yahoo.com), 808-895-1584. Please tell all your friends. Swamp the ass with email and IMs and phone calls...I don't want revenge. Just justice to be doled out by me.
Laters

Just tell them I fell, that I was goofing off, not paying attention and I leaned too far over. Just tell them it was an accident, you saw it. They'll believe you.
Laters

Well, I'm at that point again. Not caring about anything, least of all me. Dwelling on past injustices, anticipating future ones. Whatever. But this comes out as self destructive behaviour in me: I fucked Argile-and who cares, right? Technically he's my boyfriend-and I don't even really like him. Shit for size, but omg, the boy didn't quit (in a bad way, I didn't get to come cause he didn't know what the hell he was doing, just that he KEPT doing it). And what's up with licking my chin? And my nose? Boy seriously needs to learn how to kiss-without all that saliva all over me. Oh, and I'm smoking again. Not around Amethyst, just because I couldn't give less of a fuck about myself doesn't mean she should get the short end of it. Anyway, it looks like I'mma have that month long scrogg fest after all. Because I just can't give a whooping funt about it. And why the fuck not? Anyway, in case you're wondering why the last two aren't really entries, it's because I was writing in my notebooks, but Slate was on the computer. I'll get around to typing all that in soon. Right now I have no energy.
Laters

And laters again

Laters

I used to look at the world with such awe. Everything amazed me and I felt ... connected to it. All of it. I wanted to know everyone and be their best friend. And I am a devoted friend. But people lie. They cheat. They talk about you behind your back. They present an image of themselves that is deliberately false. Long story short, be disillusioned. Because that's all it is, illusions. Much as you hope, much as you can ever want, you'll never know anyone. And no one will ever know you. Or maybe I'm just talking about me. Again.
Laters

I'm lost. I want to stay here. I want to leave. I want to make a choice all by myself. I want someone to decide for me. I'mma go.
Laters

I cannot think. I cannot read. I cannot write. I can go fix Amethyst some dinner. And maybe wake her up. Except vice versa.
Laters

They have no idea who I am. I was never theirs, and the one moment I could have been they shoved me away. For another who is not worthy. And never could be. Once upon a time I was their product. Once upon a time I was their child. Or at least I wanted to be. I thought they might have seen it, the alien in me. The alien I always have been to them, even as a child. It must have been impossible raising a child they bore but who was no part of them. They cannot know. They will never know. But, oh, how I want them to. To love me for who I am, not just because they think I am theirs. They do not love me. They do not know me. What they love is the idea they had of who they wanted me to be before I was even a glimmer in their eyes. And I was a glimmer for a long time, that I know. Is this the way I will end up? Will I betray and murder my own child? I'm sure it's not possible; I'm sure they thought that, too. I tried so hard to learn what they wanted to teach. I even rejected for so long the falacies of it because I wanted them to be proud of me. Will I be able to keep those fallacies from my own offspring? Will I be able to show her that love is love and love can never do wrong? I love her more each day. I would deny her nothing, even them. I know I'm not perfect, definitely not a perfect mother. My child... How can I do this alone? How could I ever trust another to help, when I don't even trust myself? Is there another worthy of my trust? I thought so once. But once and once and once. And a million years, a billion miles, and an ocean away. I have never been more hurt in my life. And all I can think is "I'm young yet. There is more pain to come."
Laters

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgiveness is all I have. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. I love them so much. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. But I've been so hurt. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. And so much worse than hurt. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Can I? Can I forgive? Should I? Or should I cut my losses? Because all they'd do is kill me again. Only worse this time. Just like last time.
Laters

I'm tired of horny little boys. And tired of being a horny little bitch myself. But if I allow myself to believe that I have had sex, I will decide that it's okay for me to just scrogg everyone who comes along. And that's just not good. Not at all. So I'mma quit allowing men access to me. Not all, but any that just want sex are no longer allowed. Ah, decisions. I'mma go fix Amethyst some dinner.
Laters

Ya know, the thing with me and this whole sex thing is yeah, maybe I have had encounters and stuff. But as long as I can explain to myself (read lie to myself) that there was no actual intimiacy, I'm okay. Because I am not okay with false intimacy. Never accept an imitation when all you want is the real thing. So I fake it. So what? I guess I've just gotten really good at pretending that I'm not upset with the situation as it stands. Pretending I'm okay with me, even. Anyway, I'm all of a sudden too lethargic to think about all this. All my energy is sapped.
Laters

Okay, it's been pointed out to me that forplay and such is sex, too. Like oral sex is sex. Because sex is sex is sex. Which is fine. I've had playing around sex within the past year, then. Play sex, play sex, la la la la la la! But no all the way sexual intercourse, because that's what I've been avoiding. Po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to. I'll see it my way, you can see it however you wish. I like me just the way I am, delusions and all.
Laters

So, it's been a year. I'm proud of myself, even though I've had a few-okay, one hell of a lot-close calls. One year without sex. Wow. I've gone through periods where I was okay with it, obsessed with it, hated it, and just freaking wanted it. I can respect myself, though. That's the point. It's been my choice, and I've stuck to it. Yay, me! Anyway, my blog is going to get less boy-oriented from now on. So I say. Hehehe! Ah, even if it's not, I'm still proud of myself. Because I rock. And no, I am not going on a month long scrogg fest, thank you. I think you already knew that. I did. Any-hoo. I'mma go fix Amethyst some lunch.
Laters

*Flash* This is a moment in my life. *Flash* It's gone that quickly. *Flash* This is why I record these things. *Flash* To look and see and know what was going on at this particular moment. *Flash* Or that one. *Flash*
(Lightning stumbled across the world. And as I looked up into the sky I could have sworn that with each *flash* god was taking my picture.)
Laters

Wanna post more. Thoughts racing through my head, too full. Too many stars, can't pick out a constelation. No more tonight. Yes, I am fully aware that I make no sense.
Laters

Okay, another development-because I just checked my email. Guy who came over earlier? The one who didn't talk? Sent me an email about how he'd like to be my boyfriend because he really likes me. I'mma send one back about how I'd like to hang out with him more, give him more of a chance to talk, get to know each other, even. And we'll see how it goes from there. Colour for him? Well, he's got these argile socks that he's very proud of... And even though I'm not sure how to spell it, and I'm pretty sure it's not really a colour, he gets to be Argile. So, folks, it looks like I have a boyfriend. Sort of.
Laters

The question of the moment is: did I yes or did I no break my "no sex" streak the day before it's one year anniversary? The answer of the moment is: it's up to you. He came over and smelled so good, so clean, so get-between-my-legs delicious...so we sit on the couch and are kinda talking and stuff and I start giving him a back rub. And in order to do it properly, he doesn't need his shirt...and things progressed from there. Rapidly. He's not the best kisser in the world, doesn't use enough tongue, but everything else...everything else was excellent. Hands, body, dick-which is just as large as promised, so yes, he DOES have a right to brag. Anyway, we're kinda getting it on, and I get...carried away. We actually sort of start scrogging-well, he was barely in and...even though my body is dying for me to just keep my mouth shut and go with it-I stop him. "I'm not ready." To have sex at all after a year. To have sex with someone who wants no commitments afterwards. To have sex with a guy that I really DO like, but who, for reasons even he's confused about, doesn't want a relationship with me. I know me. I get attached too easily, and for me there are always strings. Even though he wasn't going to be just a one night stand-even he said it would be more than just the once-I can't...no, I won't be with someone that way without the possibility of more. Not just because I want it, the more. Because I need it. But OMG, it felt so GOOD!! A fact which I will not dwell on. Anyway, Blonde was super respectful of my "no, stops"...and even more respectful the one time I forgot and said "don't stop", but that's not the point. Afterwards we just sat naked close together, talking until Slate started to unlock the door at which point I had to shout at him to stay out until all our clothes were on. Well, I didn't figure I had time for underthings, but I got the jeans and shirt on. Then Blonde and I talked for a little while more and he left. Much as I hate it, there is no relationship possibility there. Another fact that I will not dwell on. Any-hoo, I'm still a little freaked out, and I'm going to decide what to be freaked out over-the fact that I let it get as far as it did, or the fact that it didn't get farther. My body's still...reacting. Oh, and my opinion is that no, I did not have sex and tomorrow/today/whatever is still my one year mark. HIS opinion is that yes, I did have sex and tomorrow I'll have to start over. But you make your own decision about that.
Laters

Guy was nice, but didn't talk much. My neighbor gave him a ride back and he said he liked me. Yay! PLUS he spent forty dollars on the cab ride here, and was going to spend just as much going back. Wow. Eighty bucks to spend three hours with a chic you've never even met. I felt really, really guilty about that one. But like I said, neighbor gave him a ride home. Anyway, Blonde is coming over, presumably to get laid. Dunno how that's going to work out, especially because I don't know how long Slate's going to be out. I think he just went to the gym for a swim. Which will be amusing if he walks in. And that means I won't break my streak the day before it's been a year. We'll see. Size and stamina notwithstanding.
Laters

Oh, guy coming over. Said I was the perfect woman, but that's just because I like Kevin Smith movies-and I actually met Kevin Smith. We'll see if he keeps his theory once he gets here.
Laters

Okay, I think it's time I assigned a colour to my friend I've been talking about recently. The only reason I haven't yet is because I couldn't think of anything appropriate. Now I have. He gets to be the colour of a gravestone in bright, full sunlight. Why? Because it, like he, tries to be all somber, morbid, dark and creepy, but in the right light you see it for what it really is: just another slab of dull grey concrete. But we'll shorten it to Stone.
Laters

And, you know, it's not just everyone stabbing me in the back. It's that I get the impression that everyone would rather be doing anything else than spending any time with me or being with me in any way or...whatever. It's late. I'm not tired, but everyone else is going to sleep. So fuck it for tonight.
Laters

I could probably really use a night of all out fucking. I could really use it, actually. But right now...right now I'm just defeated. The human race has gotten the better of me. Again. I now want to crawl back into my hole and cry. I can't stand being the way I am, it's killing me. It hurts to love so much that I have to love everyone. It hurts worse that everyone I've ever loved has stabbed me in the back or worse. If I die one more time I'm not going to be able to survive it. The people I love most...I should just crawl under a rock in a cave on the highest, most desolate mountain and love you all from there. Because I don't want to. Because I want to love so bad I can taste it. I want to love that one person, that ONE who won't betray me. Out of the whole world, yes. One. I want to quit. Goddammit, I wish I were suicidal. I wish I could be. I wish it were just as easy to jump off the tenth floor balcony right out there. Would solve all my problems, and those of those I care about. I don't want to do this any more. Life, dating, men, raising my daughter, who'll only resent me for it. Crying. I'd rather die than cry one more time. Won't somebody hear me? Kill me! Dead, no more me. I'm ranting, and self absorbed right now. It's just so...fucked up, hard, different, painful. Sad. How can I forgive them? I'm trying, I've been trying. I want to, but I've been so hurt, so many times. By the same people over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And just when I meet someone new and think that maybe it'll be different this time, maybe this person won't find and exploit my weaknesses and kill me, they do. Every time. Why do I hold out hope that the next one will be different? I should just kill myself. My daughter doesn't deserve to grow up with a mother like me.
Laters

OMG, I am SO horny! And Blonde, horny boy that he is, REALLY wants to come over and get laid. You have NO idea how tempted I am!! Dammit! But my friend is here, and my daughter, so that's not really possibility. Probably a good thing, but I REALLY want to. REALLY, really. But! Again! Eggshell wants me to come over. And that's more of a possibility, because my friend can stay with Amethyst once she goes to sleep. And Eggshell lives right down the road-literally, at the bottom of the hill. You know what? New development here, that I don't feel like going into. I've got an interesting night ahead of me. I'll let y'all in on it
Laters

Didn't go. Was upset and I knew that I would do something I'd regret, so I just stayed home and wrote. *sigh* I hate this. But whatever. Anyway, Blonde is online talking about how I need to get laid and how he's "above average size and has endurance." *sigh, again* I really like him, and in general would like nothing better than to just screw his brains out, but...I don't know, I guess I just hoped for more, ya know? I'd really like to be in a relationship, and I really like him. I just feel like I'm so hopelessly fucked up right now. Should I yes, should I no? I want to get laid, at least my body does. My heart and mind do, too, but they are a little more discriminating than my body wants to be at the moment. I was thinking that maybe I should just get laid and get it over with, that I'd feel better, but I know that would just make it worse, that then I'd want it all the time. But I do want it all the time. I just want it all the time with the same person. *sigh* I'd like to hang out with Blonde some more, see where it can go, but he's acting like just another horny guy right now. I don't know. I'll offer him a chance to just hang out, and we'll see. If he IS just another horny ashole, I guess that's it. Anyway, I'm gonna go do something else right now. Something other than lament the fact that all aspects of my life are shit.
Laters

So guy did not come over to get laid, I went to a movie with my friend instead. Slate dropped us off. We went out to eat, a little wandering around, then movie. Was a good evening, overall. But when we got out of the movie it was raining. Now, I don't mind walking home; it's not like I don't need the exercise. But walking two/three miles with a three year old in the rain? I don't think so. So I called Slate to come pick us up. It's not like I demanded a ride or anything. And I apologized for cutting into his evening of sticking his dick in some guy's mouth. But you don't make a three year old walk in the rain. Period. He actually told me to just go get an umbrella. How? I have no money. He certainly doesn't give me any. Hell, I went three weeks without eating because he didn't feel like going to the grocery store for me. For himself, yes. For me, hell no. He's got all sorts of junk food and actual food and everything else around this house that he can eat but I cannot. So anyway, he agrees to come pick us up-a thirty minute max drive that he says he will make in an hour and a half. My friend doesn't want to wait: he calls a cab and we ride home in that. And Slate gets pissed! It's not MY fault he's a fucking inconsiderate asshole. He thinks he's being so fucking benovolent to me, giving me a place to stay and all that. He barely provides the bare necessities, and those at the last minute AND he begrudges me them. And now I'm supposed to "wrap this up in the next few minutes" because it's his electricity and his computer and his modem. Which he only has because of ME! He wouldn't have half the shit he has if it weren't for me. But it's more important to him than I am. Which is fine, his choice. But if he makes the wrong one and fucks me over, I swear to whatever god does or doesn't exist, I will fuck him worse. I just don't think that it's right that he's the faggot and I'm the one getting assfucked. I can ruin his whole LIFE, and all he can do to me is cause me a little inconvenience. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go get laid tonight. Eggshell wants me to come over.
Laters

Another night, another guy wants to come over and get laid. But I still have my friend over. So this guy is welcome to come, but he'll be in for a little shock when he realizes that it's not going to be the scrogg-fest he's hoping for. Ah, men. Ah, me. Ah, life. Sucks. All of the above, but in different ways. Anyway. I've got to go throw Amethyst in bed. Gotta love naptime.
Laters

Did you ever have one of those moments when you sat down to think about something and/or write about it but you just don't know what to think or write about it because there's just SO MUCH in your head? No? Well, I'm there now. So instead of sitting here and staring blankly at the screen until I pass out, I'll just give up and go lay down, letting the thoughts race through my head without being recorded tonight. Or morning. Whatever.
Laters

So the really cute, seemingly intelligent guy DOES come over and goes trick-or-treating with us. AND he dresses up in one of my dresses. Hehehe! Yes, we did get pictures, just ask and I'll email them to ya. And Amethyst was totally rocking as Dorothy. I went as a vampiress, but I couldn't wear the fake blood dripping down my chin because it was freaking Amethyst out too much-to the point where she was screaming and running, and wouldn't come near me until I washed it off. Ah, well. But it was kewl, we went out and looked bizarre, and got some candy and even a pack or two of cookies-go figure. Anyway, this guy-and he gets to be blonde (yes, it is a colour) because that's the wig I made him wear-is really intelligent, witty, sexy as hell, and fun. He even didn't get too freaked out about Amethyst clamouring for his attention, though I could tell he's not terribly comfortable around children. And he meets my psychotic neighbors, and hangs out for a while and leaves. Kewl. I really like him, but I'm kinda getting the impression that I might not see him again. I would LOVE to, but I don't know. As I said before, we'll see. Life motto, there. Anyway, my friend called and he's over here now and we're talking and drinking with the neighbors. Oh, and my friend brought another friend with him. Rocking, more company. Until I shoot them. So I'll have to do more later because right now I'm kinda being anti-social.
Laters