I'm sick. Not that it matters, it's not like I had anything to do tonight anyway. No one to see, just gonna lie in my bed in misery and watch movies all night long. Good thing I don't have a date or anything. But of course I don't have a date or anything. I wouldn't have a date or anything, would I? Damned, that sucks. Or I suck. Or whatever.
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So I went to my appointment today. And she asked me all sorts of questions. Which is her job, and I understand that. But...I dunno, I just get the impression that she doesn't like me. And not just that, but actively DISlikes me. Whatever. I'll give it a couple of tries, and if I still feel that way I'll either quit or request someone else. We'll see.
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I've always revelled in my feminity, celebrated the fact that I'm a woman, that I have the power. And now I feel as if that power has been ripped away from me, stolen by an incompetent little shit with poor social skills.
It was different the last time-I still had the power because it never happened. Or at least might not have. Introducing that shred of doubt that enables me to tell myself stories. This time it's more than real, a nightmare more vividly remembered than my present environment is seen.
I feel as if I were stolen and there's nothing that can be done to get me back (though it's not as if I am worth mourning). And I don't know how to recreate myself, to forge a new me. And even if I do figure that out I don't think it would be worth the effort.
Does anyone ever heal from this shit?
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I'm not concerned for myself. I'm really not-because if I die or whatever, like I said everyone's better off. I just...I wonder if tomorrow's going to be the day. The day that I find out what I'm capable of. Drive too fast, hoping not to quite make that next turn. Climb up on the railings, wondering if I'll try to catch myself should I start to fall. Walk alone in dark alleyways at night, at the wrong times, contemplating what I'll do if encountered. I do wonder if I'll finally be able to put this thing aside, this thing that's preventing me from doing what I most want to do, what I think is best for everyone.
I'm really messed up tonight.
Escapism! I'mma go read a book-and hopefully fall asleep with my brain inactive so I won't have dreams.
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When you ask someone why NOT to commit suicide, and the first thing they say is that it's illegal...well, that's not a good sign. And then, if they can't really come up with anything else...well, that's not a good sign either. Of course, that could just be me. Maybe I'm deciding whether or not to be determined not to like this woman. Quacks, the lot of them. Anyways.
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"I'm a blown up girl in a bubble world. Blow me with your magic wand, see how fast I grow. Then prick me with your simple tack and watch how quickly I explode."
I feel very fragile. A bubble blowing in the gale force winds. And I'm surrounded by nothing but people holding handfuls of tacks.
What's with people wanting their partners to be independent? I'm not like that. I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through the whole process. Unless I know what I'm doing for sure, in which case I can hold someone else's hand and show THEM what to do. I can take charge of my kid. When it comes to anything to do with her, I'm fearless. My little Amethyst...I always have been able to do for others that which I cannot do for myself.
"And it feels like I'm at an all time low. Slightly bruised and broken..."
Damn, this life sucks. So I say fuck it. Fuck it right in the ear.
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I miss the days of childhood. Taking group pictures with people you're young enough not to know you'll only barely half remember in a few years, spending hours and days doing nothing, knowing you'll be six and perfect forever...and knowing the future isn't to worry about because somehow it's all in the future and you just KNOW it will all work itself out. Ignorance being bliss.
I go to see my...councilor? shrink? quack? tomorrow. What will she ask and how will I answer? Tell the truth? Allow someone the access to me, to who I really am? Someone I don't know? And may not like? Someone unfamiliar? We'll see. Ah, now that's a familiar refrain.
Oh, I'm terrified of the unknown and unfamiliar. Of things I've never done and people I've never met. It drives me to tears and tremors. And to wallowing in my own self loathing. Yes, I do hate myself most days. And I'm afraid. *sigh*
The end.
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Amethyst and I are watching a movie. Yes, at quarter 'til three in the morning. Apparently neither one of us can sleep. S'all good. We'll both sleep late tomorrow. So I'mma finish the movie and go to bed.
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I'm not well. Like in the head. I feel...damaged. Drained. Battered and broken. And tired.
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Okay, so I have no concept of time. But you already knew that. Anyway, I'm all...I dunno, despondent I guess. I was really good earlier, all happy and giddy and stuff. Slate and Amethyst and I went and saw a movie. And it was all okay. And now it's not. Dammit, maybe I am bipolar. But it's not as bad as before. Before the happy pills I mean. I didn't crash as horribly, fall as hard. And, to be honest, I wasn't as high, either. I guess that's a good thing.
I'm all contemplative now. Thinking about things that should be left in the darkened rooms of my castle/mind. Behind locked doors without keys, rusted shut-and nailed shut, too. Things that have no business being in ANYONE's mind, much less mine. Things about the past. Things about the present. Things about the future. Things about things and things about people. Things about love and loss and hope and despair. Thoughts racing again, flowing down the river to drown or be eaten by the monsters. Yeah, lots of monsters down that river.
I miss the Smurfs.
"On my own pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him til morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me."
When will I get it through my damned thick head that I will always be alone in that regard. Am I so desperate that I'd fall in love with someone I'd never met? I did. How easily that one fades...and how easily it returns. My heart...I'd give it completely, tarnished as it is. I will love my loves forever. My first love, too, still has part of my heart. On my behalf and on Amethyst's. I still often wonder about the "what if's" and "what could I have done different's". Doesn't everyone?
And I'm still...sore from Thanksgiving. Not my body, just the rest of me. I blame myself, I go over it in my head, I feel so...damned contemptible. Intellectually I know what happened, who's to blame. Intellectually doesn't account for the parts of me that aren't intellectual. How much of those parts do I have left?
I know I'm all over the charts tonight, and for that...well, I'd apologize, but this is kinda my thing so I'd only be apologizing to myself. Which I do often.
"I have faith in medication; I believe in the Prozac nation. You play doctor but I've lost patience.
"Make excuses for behaviour; can my illness be my saviour. Hid my heart while you still gave yours.
"I've been loved and I've been hated, been picked up and been sedated. Mental health is overrated.
"But this is where it ends. This is where it ends."
And this I tell myself all the time: "The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villian." I even had it written backwards on my mirror for a while. It gets harder and harder to respond "The reason that I have to love thee...villian am I none."
I wish it were as easy to get out of this life as it appears to be to get into it. And even though I understand that stupid people breed, I am constantly astonished that two of them produced me.
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I don't feel good. So I'mma go to bed early.
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"I hear you in my head
All of the things that you said
I'm listening again and again
'Cause I never used to think of you as a friend"
All these thoughts in my head, racing along of their own volition. Friction won't stop them, the thinking of something else. Perpetual motion, a machine set to work for eternity like some bizarre deist on a quest to prove himself. Thinking of the way back when, the parts that I miss, and the parts that I used to miss, and the parts that make no sense at all and are only barely half remembered. Thinking of these thoughts, thinking, thinking of the now, of the then, of the next. Never stop, not thinking, thinking of something else still perpetually thinking and coming back around to the same thoughts and questions and dreams ad infinitum. Perpetually. Forever.
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Of course, just as a side note, they don't really know a damned thing about me, either. So I'm not as hurt as I could be.
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"I'm not a virgin anymore
I just thought you should know
Darlin' I've been around
Yeah, I've been up and down your block
In fact I have been all over town
Down by the lake
And underneath the table in my living room
Outside by the blue blue moon
You can call me what you will
Call me a slut call me a jaded pill
But darlin I've got your number now
I'm not a virgin anymore"
Every now and then I'm tempted to call my parents and play that song for them. I think they'd die. You should've SEEN their faces when they found out I had a tattoo. And then a tongue piercing...add to that the whole single mother thing. And then my "relationship" with Slate. And...well, they don't really like me very much. I wonder why?
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Men are funny. (Now that I'm all showered and clean and stuff, it's time to make some observations.) Yes, I know that's a generalization. And yes, all of them. Which is one of the reasons why I love being female. Well, most of the month. But that's not the point. The point is that men don't know anything about women and we know just about everything about them. And thus we have the power. Men don't realize that women are ALWAYS fully aware of themselves. As in, if we "accidentally" touch a hand or leg or have ANY physical contact whatsoever we are doing it on purpose. And if our hand lingers there we probably really like the guy. But men don't really pick up on those things, at least not the shy ones. The other ones...well, they interpret EVERYTHING as a signal. Like I said, men are funny. And another thing, if a chic is lingering in the car at the end of the evening (or the guy in her car, whatever) talking about the inane or the weather-which, c'mon, IS inane-that most likely means she wants the guy to kiss her. Or walk her to the door or ask her up or ANYthing. Just to prolong the evening. Men. Can't live with them, can't shoot the REALLY stupid ones and keep the rest for breeding stock. More's the pity-under that system, at least we'd get rid of the pres.
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*sigh* I'm going to throw a little girl in bed. And then take a hot hot shower.
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Well, dammit. I'm writing this christmas night, although I'm not sure when I'll get to post it. Because the cable modem's out. Stupid technology. Hmmmm...
Today was pretty good. Amethyst woke us all up too early in the morning and we called my family so they could all watch her open presents on the webcam-that was Stormy's idea. And it worked out well, my parents and Stormy were all thrilled at the opportunity. And then my parents called and talked to Amethyst for an hour and me for like seven seconds. Ah, well. They've only spoken to her three times in the past five months, so I don't really blame them. And Amethyst is going to have christmas for like a week because half the packages that were sent our way never made it-or at least haven't made it yet. And Stormy's still got one to send. I got the best gift today, too. My favourite toy EVER. And the real thing, not the cheap crappy plastic imitations. So I've been singing the commercial jingle over and over and annoying everyone with it. But c'mon. It's Slinky! And Slate got me KY Jelly and batteries. He thinks he's funny. Actually, I about died laughing. So I guess I think he's funny, too. And there was more than enough chocolate here to fuel a small army of children for a week-and Amethyst ate like half of it, so she's been bouncing off the walls. S'all good, though, that's what christmas is for. Also, we've been on and off watching TV today and the BEST movies have been on. The movie they made from my favourite book-and then the two sequels which sucked to my assmar, but I didn't watch them, just the first one. And Amethyst LOVED it. Which rocked my world. So now I get to read her the book. Yay! And then the musical made from my favourite legend of all time-so I was singing and dancing around to it and Slate was laughing at me. But in a good way. We also went out to the movies, Slate and Amethyst and I. After we'd taken his boyfriend home. Well, his boyfriend and his boyfriend's ex, who also spent the night last night. Which I thought was a little weird, but s'all good. Like I said, my home is open to anyone, especially if they're going to be alone on christmas. Oh! And I cooked the BESTest dinner EVER! It was phenomenal, and everyone loved it. I also made four pies, but the guys went home before having any. Which is a shame because it is absolutely the BEST pumpkin pie I have ever tasted. Ever. I rock, I rock, la la la la la la!
By the way, did I ever mention that Amethyst is the best little girl EVER? She picked up her toys when we asked her to, always asked before she ate any of the TONS of candy lying around, offered to share all her toys with everyone, and was in general polite and happy the whole day. People would KILL for a kid like that. So maybe being karmically fucked in all other aspects of life is made up for in no small measure by her. She saves me a little every day, while everything else just seeks to destroy me.
Anyway, as we were driving around that one song about suicide came on the radio. Which I thought both ironic and inappropriate considering that today is the day with the highest suicide rate all year. But whatever. I just found it amusing.
There were some down points to the day, though. Slate's boyfriend-who three days ago considered Slate the love of his life-told Slate that he didn't really know what he wanted and he didn't think he loved Slate anymore. Yeah. So Slate was crying and upset over it, but I think he handled it well-he just told the guy to give him a call when and if he figured it out. And I didn't kill the guy for his incredibly shitty timing, which means I handled it well for my part, too. I didn't even tell him off, which I was more than tempted to do. But it was Slate's deal and not really my business, so I stayed out of it. And also, Stone never called and he was supposed to be here for the holiday. I know he had to work and all, but he could've at least called to wish us well. He irritates me sometimes, but I'm not going into that rant right now.
Okay, I think that's it. Well, I'll also mention that Slate and I are getting along a lot better now. And we're a lot closer, too. Which I'm really glad for because I've missed the best friend I had in high school. I do love him, despite the fact that I complain about him not infrequently. And he's the same with me. So for the next twenty seconds everything is almost all okay in my life. After that, it'll get worse. But at least I have the next twenty seconds.
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I hate life. I hate people. I hate horny little boys. And I hate myself. That's the short list. The long one is...well, a lot longer would be an understatement.
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I hate starting the day out with a fight. Slate and I got into a big one and I started shouting and he was refusing my simple request...both of us were in the wrong, but I shouldn't have lost it like that. Dammit, I just suck. I'm no good with people, I've got no real education, I'm a horrible mother...suicide really does seem like a good idea. I'm just tired. Tired of the pain and just life itself sucks to my assmar. And bah-humbug, too. I hate christmas. My family's all getting together and stuff and I'm not even invited. Not that I would be able to go anyways...*sigh* Okay, I'm done.
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We went and saw a movie, Amethyst and I. And now she's asleep. So I'm going to go do something. Yeah, something. Just watch a movie at home, but s'all good.
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I don't feel good. I don't know why, I can't pin it down. Physically, emotionally, I'm just not well. I just don't want to be around anymore. *sigh* Happy pills are not making me happy.
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Wow. One post a day for like three days in a row. I'm slipping.
Yes, we went and got pictures today. Amethyst was the prettiest little girl EVER. And she's so kind and generous-she wanted to leave a present for Santa and food for his reindeer. I finally got her to agree to milk and cookies-and "reindeer food" on the balcony. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how awesome she is.
Anyway, she wants me to go to bed with her and it's either that or throw myself off the balcony-we do live ten stories up. I'll let you know which choice I made
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Nothing doing, nothing done. Did you know that? I did.
Anyway, I'm taking Amethyst to see Santa tomorrow. Ooo, pictures. We went and got the cutest little dress tonight. All dark maroon red and with roses on the bottom all glittery. Oooo, roses. And she's just adorable in it. WooHoo! I'm all excited. But we want to get there early so we won't be in line for eight hours. So we're going to bed.
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"Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning. Oh, how I hate to get out of bed." Yeah, this morning was not fun. In fact, I'd turned off my alarm and went back to sleep with a "screw it, I'm not going" attitude. And then Stormy called. Dammit. So I went. My favourite question? "What brought you here?" My answer? "My car." I know, I know. They really don't appreciate my smart ass attitude. But I think I'm funny and the whole jokes as defense mechanism has, I suppose, only steered me wrong every now and again. As opposed to my whole life which has steered me wrong pretty much consistently.
Anyway, I'm still all depressed and suicidal and stuff. But now, with the "happy pills" it's more academic considerations than emotional ones. Like I can contemplate the consequences of my actions without getting all upset over it. And the more I talk about it with people the more...I dunno, realistic I suppose, it becomes. Like I can think of emotional reasons not to do it, but I'm not feeling those anymore. I'm kinda taking everything on on a logical, thought out level. And on that level, suicide is actually looking pretty good. Like actually possible. And not only possible, but also a good decision, one that will make a lot of things better for a lot of people-people that I care about, the ones I care about the most. Like I SHOULD do it, like maybe I owe it to everyone. And like I said, I'm completely unemotional about the whole thing. That's probably bad. On a completely academic level, I can think of a hundred or more reason TO do it, but almost none not to. And talking to people isn't making it go away, it's making it worse-'cause the more I talk to people the more reasons I come up with. Ah, well, it'll go away. Or I will. Whichever.
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Oh, and I haven't eaten at all yesterday or today. Is that a bad thing?
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Okay, Amethyst and I went to the movie alone. Slate decided to stay home. Movie was great, though. About what I expected, since I'm literate. And have read the book. Slate doesn't read. So he won't know what's coming...fool man. For more than that reason, of course.
Anyway, I'm still lonely and pathetic, as per usual. Maybe the happy drugs are kickin' in because I seem not to care as much right now as I usually do. Although it WOULD be nice to have a quick scrogg before bed...
But I have to wake up in four hours anyway. More stupid doctors and such. Way too early if you ask me.
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I'mma go see the movie tonight! WooHoo! THE movie. We're leaving in an hour, whether or not Slate is back.
And the moon is so bright tonight. It makes me want to go out and dance naked under it. Or just climb up to the roof and scrogg someone. Yeah, I'm there again. Wanting to jump someone. No, there isn't anyone. I've ceased communication with Blonde. But DAMN! I need a man. To seriously scrogg all night long and then fall asleep on the beach at dawn. Yeah, that's my minor fantasy for the day.
Oh, and last night was totally kewl. We went to a kickin' used book store and then to a lingerie/adult toy/porn shop-to which I'm going back to buy christmas presents for Slate. Anyway, he bought me these really cute thong panties shaped like a butterfly. Yeah, he's got a panty fetish. I almost got the impression that it was either buy them for me or take them home himself. Almost. His colour? Hmm...still contemplating that one. Something dark, for sure. A dark green or red or blue or purple. I think like a dark plum. Yeah, Plum works. In a positive way, of course.
Anyway, Slate just walked in so I'mma go get some clothes on.
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I have a headache and I'm tired. So I'll get into everything else
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Ah, sleep. I'll get around to it one of these days.
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Today sucked. So did yesterday. And the day before that. And the one before that. In fact, all my days have sucked recently. Ah, well. I'll get over it.
I'm meeting a guy tomorrow. A date? I'm not sure, and it's fine with me not to define it. And I'm actually...nervous. I don't GET nervous. Well, maybe a little. Maybe sometimes. I don't know, I'm perfectly willing to meet guys whom I have no interest in, but when it comes to someone I actually like...I realize how flawed I am, and I can't help thinking about it. And wanting for it to change. Stupid physical bullshit. I'm worn out by life right now. So I'm going to go shower and maybe have a drink. And then Slate will probably be home. His boyfriend is already here, he's spending the night. And I like him, we've been talking-mostly about sex, but that's kewl. And he's REALLY into Slate, so it's all good. Hopefully the four of us will be able to go out tomorrow-to see THE movie. But we'll see. Regardless, I'm going to take a too hot shower now.
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Oh, I can barely see. Good thing I can touch-type. Anyway, I'm tired and I have a headache. So guess what I'm going to do?
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And then in went away. Chics are like that. Guys are the opposite. And all of humanity sucks.
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I SERIOUSLY need a man around to...have my way with. Damn! There are nights like this one when I could just...JUMP the first guy I saw. Too bad that's probably going to be Slate. I feel very sexually aggressive tonight. Like I want to pounce on someone and suck on their tongue and neck and nibble their ears and grasp them to me, kneading their skin with my hands and kissing them like...yeah, but I can't do that with Blonde. Dammit. I really wish...but wishing is for those who still have their dreams. And I've only got this reality that somehow keeps turning up fake.
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Well that was a bizarre movie I just watched all by myself. Very well made, stylish, and good. I really liked it. And I'm glad that my parents weren't that strict-although they were...different-and that I didn't have four suicidal sisters whose footsteps to follow. So overall I liked the movie.
And today just sucks. I don't know why. It just did. I went shopping for groceries for christmas dinner. I'll be cooking for three men and myself and my little one. So I'm making a lot of food. I like being the woman. I wish more men liked it, too.
Stone still hasn't called me. We were supposed to go to a concert day after tomorrow-but I'm not surprised that he's flaking out. He flakes out about just about everything. And he's...I'm not going to complain about him. I'm just going to accept that that's the way he is, and show him how a true friend acts.
Anyway, I'm really sick of horny little boys. Have I mentioned that before? It doesn't bother me when I can talk about it academically with someone, but the whole OFFERING...especially when they promise to "show me something new". Like I haven't seen it before bigger. Whatever. Men-can't live with them, can't screw them and then chain them back up in captivity.
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There are too many stupid people on the planet. I need to discourage so many of them from speaking to me.
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I think I was a serial killer in a past life. Because, dude, I am karmically fucked.
"If these are the best years of my life, I must have some serious third degree burns in my future."
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Why do I do this to myself? And why do I keep having to ask that question? My knight showed up online-and before I could IM him popped right back off again. Not my knight, I suppose. *sigh* I WAS hanging out invisible, though. So I tell myself he got online looking for me. I know, I'm just bringing upon myself more pain, but I can hope. As I do. Over and over again. As over and over again it is proved to me how incredibly futile my hope is.
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*I have a new hero! I have a new hero!* In my singsongy voice and dancing around. Guess what I have up? That's right! The poetry link! I'm excited about it, but also...well, I'm not good with negative criticism. I welcome it if it's constructive, but just don't tell me how much I suck. Tell me how much I rock, that's much better. Very much better.
Okay, then.
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Some people just need to die. I'mma start a list. Now I need volunteers to be my "Holy Thwackers of Idiots". Any takers?
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I've got a secret! I've got a secret!
But I'm no good with secrets, so you'll probably get it out of me at some point. Okay, you twisted my arm. Slate and his boyfriend took Amethyst out so Blonde came over. Yeah. And it was good-we played for a while, pillow fighting, and then...well, it was comfortable. I wasn't freaked out or afraid or nervous in any way. He was-as always-very considerate, and very, very good. So I no longer have to worry about the whole "time after" thing. For which I'm incredibly grateful-because I got to get past that obstacle with someone I trust. Would've been nice if there were any feelings of intimacy there, but it was good for what it was.
And now Slate is at work and his boyfriend is staying the night. Which is kewl with me, like I said, my home is open to anyone. And now I'm going to go watch a movie.
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And Stone-who was supposed to call me today-did not call. I think he's avoiding me because he's embarrassed by what he said. LoL I'm amused.
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That was a very excellent movie. Yes, yes it was. It also wasn't what I expected for being such a gay cult thing. Slate and I figured stuff out-and then we all watched the movie. It all works out in the end. I believe that so I try to work towards that. Slate doesn't. He believes I'll fail and that things won't work out. So we come at problems from opposite directions. But, like I said, it'll all work out in the end. Of course, I don't know why I still believe that, given my history...
Anyway it's bed time for me and scrogging time for them. Oh, and Slate and I have a bet as to whether his new boyfriend will still be around a few months from now. But I know things his new beau does not. Hehehehe. Not that I'd be happy to win that bet, but still.
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Slate is so fucking rude sometimes. He can spend the entire week going out with his boyfriend-taking him to dinners and movies, buying him flowers, showering him with attention-but he can't spare ten bucks so that Amethyst and I can go see a movie. Ass. AND we got digital cable today, and he's treating it like he's the only one who lives here and therefor gets to decide what goes on when. I understand that he pays the bills, etc., but damn! Show SOME consideration. Selfish fucking asshole.
Anyway, I'm also a little upset because of Blonde. I know there's nothing there between us, and I know I don't really want to be with him. But...it's like he'd rather be with ANYONE other than me-except for sex, for which I'm convenient. He's talking about all sorts of "possible girlfriends"...and then wanting to come over and fuck me. Whatever. He's not coming over, I made some excuses. And his mom's in town so he's not going to have a lot of time the next month or so. Good. Damned men.
Oh, and Stone called me at one in the morning-drunk off his ass. And talked about wanting to have sex with me, and how he's been thinking of it a lot but that he's just too shy to bring it up. Then he passed me off to his friend who also suggested I give him a blow job. What the hell? Are there no real men in the world any more? Just horny little boys? I am so done with this shit. All of it. Life, even. I wish it were that easy.
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The christmas tree looks so...antiseptic. Like it's there for display, and not for mood. I'm feeling very sad. I don't know why. I think it's the whole holidays thing and how I don't have any family to spend it with. Other than Amethyst, of course. I'm just very much a family person. And without a family...and I wish it were only because they're so far away. I'm also thinking about her first few christmases where she was the only kid in a very large family. Hell, she used to have five families and now she's just got me. I feel like I took that away from her. I feel like he did, too. I'm alternately feeling very upset at how he lost a daughter and very angry that he gave one up. Ruby Red, I mean. He LOVED her, he DOTED on her. I used to be jealous of the relationship between them, I remember that. And now...I'm stuck with a fake, antiseptic tree. Why is it that the holidays are the time of year when people commit the most suicides, are the most unhappy? Since TALKING about suicide with someone-even though it was a stranger-it's been more and more real to me. Despite the happy pills, which will apparently take weeks to kick in-right now all they're doing is making me sick. And the reasons I discussed seem more plausible, more valid. What reasons are those? Well, one, I just think everyone would be better off without me-Slate wouldn't have the financial concerns he does now, Stormy would get Amethyst, Amethyst would get Stormy, my family would be rid of their most hated member, and everyone in the world could rest in peace without the fear that I'm going to take over and annihilate them. (Which is the other option, by the way.) Two, I'm so tired of feeling like this-unloved to the point of being hated, useless to the point of being a burden, hopeless to the point of being a cynic...it flippin' sucks, man. Three, it's the easy way out-and everyone looks for the simplest solution. Four...well, okay, I can't really think of a four that wouldn't be restating one. Actually, yes I can. Amethyst deserves better than growing up with a sucidal, possibly bipolar, kleptomaniac, seriously psychologically messed up mother. Hell, if I need therapy, what's she going to need? Brainwashing? A labotomy? It's just wrong. Kids should have better, especially one as awesome as she is. And Stormy would give her that-everything that I wish I could be, she is.
Dammit. I really need some love tonight. Someone to hold me while I cry and to lie saying everything's gonna be all right. Even though we'd both know better. I've been needing that a lot lately.
And it won't get any better.
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Amethyst is the most adorable creature EVER. She got in a snit and I asked her what was with her attitude. And she said, "I have an attitude because I'm a little stinker." And now, it's naptime and she's saying "But mommy, I can't close my eyes." I just love her. She's just awesome.
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I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing on my mind, nothing going on...I'm completely blank. So why am I posting? Good question.
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I'm sleepy. That and they want scroggin' time out here.
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Oh. I had to rush out of here as soon as Slate got home because the movie I wanted to see was leaving theaters tonight and the last showing was fifteen minutes from when he walked in. Well, maybe half an hour, I have no concept of time. But it was a really good movie-I liked it any way, and it had a definite style to it. Amethyst just wanted to know why they were naked. How do you tell a three year old not to talk about sex? Especially in front of other people, who might not think it's as amusing. I don't like feeling like I'm lying to her or keeping secrets from her, but she talks about EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. To everyone. Strangers in the freakin' elevator she's telling about the movie we saw where they had sex. *sigh* First eighteen months teaching them how to walk and talk. Next eighteen years to sit down and shut up. But at least she's totally adorable. That makes up for a lot.
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I want to weep. I want to lay down and cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep. And then I don't want to wake up. Ever.
I saw my knight online just now. And he IMed me with "long time no see". Duh. Then he proceeded to complain about his life and then he left. Why do I do this to myself? All I could do is care, and try to comfort him. Obviously I'm not going to be able to provide much comfort, but...still I try. Should I make any further effort? Would it do any good? He never responded to either of the emails I sent him. And now this. Does he still-did he ever-feel that way for me? I just don't know. State of my life I suppose.
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I have to go to bed now. Well, to my bedroom. Slate wants to go to sleep out here. He's funny. He gets into compulsive cleaning mode when he's irritable with me. So I can always tell when he's mad. *sigh* But things will work out. I assume.
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LoL Ya know, if I weren't so amused I might be offended. Guy IMs me with an actually interesting conversation, and asks me out, right? Right. So then he starts asking about what I look like. I'm honest; I'm not going to make believe I'm a super model. And all of a sudden he's like "your not my type...sorry"-yes, he did misspell "you're". And he apologized for "leading me on" and left. LoL I just...it's funny. I'm not offended-although the way he put things WAS kinda rude. I'm just amused. So there's another bizarre "dating" story for ya. LoL
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Well, I was going to put several poems on my poetry page this evening, but I think I like it better to do one a day. I like the way it gets separated that way. And I promise, I'm working on getting a link up. Even if I have to reformat this whole flippin' blog, I'll get it. Anyway, I have a LOT of poetry, etc., so one a day will take us...quite a while. Which I think is a good thing. Keep you coming back for more. Even if you hate it, hopefully you'll at least have a macabre fascination with it-like looking at a train wreck. But it's a moot point for the moment anyway, since the link isn't up yet. (Oh, and for those of you who will actually read it once I get it going-most of this was written up to three years ago. I'm kinda going in order from that point. So it'll take a while to get to the more recent stuff. But I'm willing to take feed back on how that goes-see if maybe y'all would like it differently-like two a day, an old and a new until they meet up...or something. But again, that's a moot point until the link is up.) Okay, I've made my (moot) points.
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"I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty, and gay. And I pity any girl who isn't me today." Okay, so it might not be for the same reasons as Maria, but I just caught a look at myself in the mirror, and damn! I am an attractive woman. And not just attractive, either. I'm gorgeous. I've got that classic beauty that never goes out of style. And it wasn't because I was made up-I very rarely wear makeup-or because I was wearing anything fancy or special. It was because for some reason tonight I just...shine.
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What is WITH me right now? Man, I tell ya. Guess who just emailed me? Manatee. How bizarre. All of a sudden it's "things from Candi's recent past" time. He actually apologized, though. And now wants to "talk". I asked him what he'd like to talk about. I'm curious as to how he'll respond. Anyway, I just thought I'd share the freaky weirdness. Now I'mma go play with my baby.
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Dernit. I twisted my flippin' ankle today. Not while playing with Amethyst at the park, which would have made sense, but just walking to the car. Stupid weak ankles. So then shopping I was limping. Oww. But I DID get to find a lot of stuff that would be kewl for Amethyst for christmas. I really want to spoil her. Because she's so awesome.
On a side note, I kinda want to go to a midnight mass this christmas. Not because I'm religious, but because I think it'd be an experience, both for myself and for Amethyst. Unfortunately, I don't know where any catholic churches would be around here. There's gotta be one, though, right? I should find that out.
Anyway, I'mma go.
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Well, before I go, I have to make sure Amethyst eats something. Because her whining about how hungry she is doesn't work for me. So I'm making oatmeal. And since I'm so tired, I'm going to doze while she eats it. *sigh* Me sleepy.
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(I'm so funny.)
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There's no water. No water, I tell you! None! *panicking* What do I do? What do I DO?!?!?!? Okay, I'm going to spend most of the day out of the house. Mall, park, whatever. Amethyst needs to get out anyway.
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Odd little tidbit: my refrigerator creates phalically shaped ice...pieces. Which I save in the freezer. C'mon, one of these day's I'mma have a prudish guest. And guess what they'll have in their drink...LoL
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Okay, I'mma have to keep my daughter. She wants a bath and so she's running around naked. So we're playing the "I can't see you naked" game-where she runs into my line of sight giggling and then runs off again when I close my eyes. But she just came out and shook her little baby butt at me. She's too funny. I just love her. And her naked ass.
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OMG, the most bizarre freaky weird thing just happened. Argile. Yeah, he IMed me. With "wanna have sex again??". I about died laughing. And then I asked him if he was going to go "smoke a cigarrette" again, and he said he quit. Obviously not the brightest crayon in the box to not get that question. Then I asked what made him think I would want to after the last time. And he said "everyone needs sex". So I replied "not from you" and "you weren't any good at it". LoL THEN, and this is almost the most amusing part, he said that neither was I. *warning! the next few sentences are DRIPPING with sarcasm* Of COURSE I wasn't. I obviously was the worst lay he'd ever had. And he could have ANYone he wanted. But is CHOOSING me. How benevolent of him. And obviously I would sit around and wait for HIM. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't. Some people are just dumb. Which is great for me, because at least it gives me lots of ammo with which to mock humanity in general and too many individuals in particular. I'mma go laugh some more. You should, too.
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Okay, I did something that could possibly be considered stupid. I emailed my knight. My knight. I don't suppose he's really mine, is he? Anyway, I told him that I've missed him and that I hope to hear from him again. I don't think it's fair to either of us to simply never speak again. It's certainly not fair to me, not after...well, everything. Anyone care to wager how much I hope he'll respond? Anyone care to wager on whether or not he will? That's a sucker's bet, both of them. We all know how much I hope. And we can be pretty sure he won't respond. But, there is that question, that level of uncertainty...
Anyway, Amethyst needs to take a nap, and while she's napping, I need to wrap the presents from "she who will not be named-or colour coded."
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OMG, I didn't get any sleep last night. Slate and I started playing this online game-and then when I was about to fall asleep, I got up to take a shower, which usually puts me right out. Except when I have to be up early in the morning. Dammit. So I was up most the night. Then I got up too early and went for more tests. And the bastards asked me about suicide and depression. I always assumed a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about those types of things. And the bastards asked. Before I get to the point-or the end of the story-would anyone like to comment on the general trend of this blog? Just this blog, mind. And then the general trend of my life. Okay, now the end of the story: I get "happy pills"-although the handout thingie he gave me specifically said they WEREN'T happy pills. I'm a little wary about taking them, not the least of which reasons is that I don't want to walk around in a drug induced happy bubble. I want to feel what I feel when I feel it for the reasons that I feel it. I want to be able react appropriately to the shit-and the good things, but no one's counting on that-that happens to me. But...I also don't want to feel like this anymore. And if you read this regularly, you'll know what this is. So, we'll see. I know, that's my attitude towards everything. But it's a good one, at least I think so. Anyway, Amethyst needs lunch, so I'mma go.
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I lied. Okay, I didn't lie. Just got distracted. NOW I'm going to bed.
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I have to go to bed early tonight. Well, early for me, it IS after eleven. So this will be my final post for the evening. Stupid doctors and they're tests that are "for my own good" and all that crap. Can a person die from being tested too much? Ya think? No, I didn't either. I just hoped to use it as a valid arguement. Too bad it's validity would be a trifle...questioned.
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I have come to the realization that I am alone in the universe. And I am only a small, insignificant part of that universe. And that no matter what I go through, someone somewhere at some time has probably gone through it before. Possibly even in the same order. The difference is not what has happened both to me or because of me. The difference is how I see it, how I react to it, how it affects me. The important thing is not that my life is so different from everyone else's. But that I am the one who has to live it, and no one else is quite exactly like me.
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Magenta just called. She's so cute. And unutterably thrilled that I mention her here. It's good to know she reads my words. Because at least someone may be getting the picture. Anyway, Amethyst is hungry-both for food and attention. So
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I could mirror your dreams...Just a random thought. I do often wonder, though, if anyone dreams about me.
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"Oh, I want a hippopotamus for christmas. Only a hippopotamus will do." I might as well want a hippopotamus. In fact, it's more likely that I'd get it than what I really want. Damned realism. (Yes, my word of the day is damn(ed). Get over it.)
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I used to read the dictionary as a child. It wasn't really good-the plots were all but nonexistent and the character development was a trifle strained. But it did give me the advantage of knowing more words than anyone else I've ever met. Add to that my linguistic studies and I'm damn near god. Except for the "damn near" part. Well, okay, there are other reasons that I'm god, but those are two pretty damned good examples. That and I'm more intelligent than everyone else. Too bad I have all these emotions weighing me down. Without them I think I could rule the world. Actually, I know I could. With them...my wishes are far simpler. I just want to be known and loved in spite of it.
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So now it's my turn to be the only one I know not in a relationship or dating or anything of the sort. Man, life...why does it have to happen to people like me? Only the good die young, huh? In that case I should've died at birth. Well, depending on how you define "good". At least my heart has always been in the right place. Above my stomach and below my neck, just as it should be.
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Okay, they want to scrogg or something and I'm fouling up their dynamic. So I'm going to go play by myself. And no, the link isn't up yet. We'll figure it out later, I'm sure. Once again, thanks for your help, and goodnight!
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Okay, I'm not going to post again for the same reason because I found a different way to do it. Can't you just tell how much I'm enjoying my evening? Hey, at least I get an interesting conversation out of it.
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And again...
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I'm posting now to see if we have figured out this link thing.
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And because we're on the subject, Slate has read little to none of my writing. But I've heard almost ALL of the music he's composed. Anyone else think that's a little unbalanced? And you know why that is. Because Slate doesn't read. Not that he can't, because he IS literate. No, he just doesn't. How...dull. And droll.
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Amethyst fell asleep a little after six. And I'm still awake and will probably continue to be so for the next couple hours at least. Tomorrow is not going to be fun. Someone will cease to be my favourite little girl possibly as early as four in the morning. And I'm SO not a morning person.
A slight side note-thanks for the help, you. I may possibly have the link to my poetry page up here sometime in the near future. And did I mention you're my new hero? Because you are. Thanks again.
Okay, I'm doing WAY too many things at once here.
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I'm lonely and depressed and I just want to be held. Is that so bad? I'm worn out by this life. I keep thinking, "Hey, maybe I've not had it that bad. Maybe there are some aspects of my life that haven't or won't turn out to be total shit." Then I sit down and actually think about what has happened in my life. And I realize that it IS that bad, they ARE out to get me, and it WILL end...and as badly as possible-or worse than I can possibly imagine. And believe me, I can imagine some pretty shitty endings.
Okay, I'm done. I just wish there were somebody here to hold me while I cry myself to sleep tonight.
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Slate and his new beau are here. We're watching a movie and eating turkey and potatos and green beans and I've got a pumpkin pie in the oven. Two things really quick, then I'mma go finish the movie with them.
1) I'm really glad that Slate and his guy are really into each other. I'm happy for him. But I'm jealous, too. Having given up, it sucks to see that it's possible for everyone else but me.
2) I really like being all domestic and house-wifey. I like cooking and cleaning and taking care of my man and kid. But nowadays men want women who are independent and career-oriented. If I'd been this age twenty/thirty years ago, I'd be the perfect woman. Hell, screw that. I am the perfect woman. I just don't know where my life is headed. And even if I did, I'd be perfectly willing to disrupt it for the right person, or the right set of circumstances. Or even the wrong ones, as I've done in the past.
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Oh, my! Okay, not really. But I'm cooking a turkey. For Slate and his new boyfriend. And it will be yummy and good.
Anyway, I give up. On my knight. After an entire week of no contact, I think it's fair. Especially because we only talked for a week before that. I'm just done. I'm even done with Blonde, who, by the way, I ran into at the movie theater last night. I'm done with men, I'm done with trying, I'm done with looking and even hoping. Now it's just me and Amethyst. How frightening. How exhilarating. How...depressing, even. *sigh* One brief, shining moment and then total darkness, huh? Anyway.
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I am SO intruding on Slate's date. MwaaHaaHaa! Actually, I went to a movie. With Amethyst. A horror movie. Now she's talking about how that girl's mother killed her and making me promise that I'm not going to do anything like that. I said "Of course not, sweety. Not on accident." I know, I know. I'm the only one who finds me amusing. Anyway, it's late and they probably wanna scrogg out here-which they already did while I was gone, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm going to bed.
(Oh, and apologies to those I kinda ditched tonight, both online and on the phone. Like I said, I went to a movie with Amethyst.)
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I was SO close! I was ONE hit away from beating Dracula and I DIED!! It's tragic, I tell you. But all was not lost-I still had several lives left-that was on my first try-and I was about to go at it again. UNTIL! Amethyst decided that stepping on the SuperNintendo was a good idea. Now I have to start all the way over at level B, and it took me FOREVER to get through that one. Dammit! This is so...frustrating. But! It's just a video game and she's only three. And throwing things at me from her room, where I put her on her bed because she knows she's not supposed to mess with the electronics. I think it's time for tickle torture.
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Mmmmmm, chocolate milk and Doritos. Hey, I never said there wasn't a REASON I'm flawed.
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Oh, and I'm not really anti-men. Not REALLY. And I don't really believe all of them are assholes. Just the straight ones. And Slate.
All right, I'm kidding. I like men. I'm looking for one. THE one, but aren't we all? Maybe I should give up on my knight and concentrate on what's actually here, instead of across an ocean (or two) and a continent (or several).
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Ah, naptime. Not for me, although I did get very little sleep last night. And I COULD, in theory, go nap with Amethyst. But this is pretty much the only "me" time I get. Slate is gone-on a date that'll probably last until tomorrow afternoon. Yes, he is a man whore.(On a side note: I swear, straight people need a website like that one. Maybe I'll start one and get rich.) My 8 Ball is currently out of commision when questioned on the subject-a lot of "reply hazy, try again" and "cannot predict now" and "concentrate and ask again" kind of things. Speaking of 8 Balls, Hunter used to work for Miss Cleo. Whenever he was feeling particularly lazy and didn't feel like coming up with his own brand of bullshit, he would use a magic 8 Ball. I think that's entirely too amusing.
Okay, that was more than one random tangent. But admit it-you like me that way. Or at least are getting used to me that way.
And here's another bit of randomness: I have these two friends. Well, I have more than two friends, but these happen to be female. I think they're the only two female friends I have. Anyway, the point is, one of them has emphatically wished to be left out of this blog. Won't even let me assign her a colour. Which I'm tempted to do anyway, but I'll respect her wishes (happy?). For now. MwaaHaaHaa!!! The other is excited about being assigned a colour. Unfortunately, the colour that most comes to my mind when thinking about her (royal purple) has already been assigned to someone else (and what a waste, too-asshole men). But we came up with Hot Magenta for her. (One of the reasons which-her reason, not mine, mind you-is because it's a character in Rocky Horror. Yes, she's obsessed. We all have our little obsessions.) But I love her to death-not that I plan on killing anyone soon, I think the point is that if I WERE to go on a killing spree, she'd be one of the last on my list. Because if I go on a killing spree, it'll be to erradicate everyone. Anyway, she's great and she's recently gotten a long distance plan on her cell phone which means we get to be in a lot closer contact now. Which is really nice-we can vent to each other about everything. Particularly men. AND she's going to call Argile, which I encourage all of you to do. If for no other reason than that it'll be amusing to me.
Okay, I think I feel in the mood for...more Castlevania four. (And yes, I do realize that was rather abrupt-get over it.)
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Ya know. I like it when people like me. And when people hate me for no reason it bothers me. So I think of reasons to GIVE them to hate me. Too bad I'm not the type of person who would actually DO any of them. Because I can come up with some REALLY creative and spiteful ideas.
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Am I going to have a good weekend? My magic 8 Ball says "Don't count on it." *sigh* I'm not surprised. Stormy called me at nine this morning, woke Amethyst and myself up. Amazing that Amethyst was still sleeping, but s'all good. Except that I went to bed at five... But-and I think I mentioned this earlier-I read somewhere that the more intelligent a person is, the less sleep they need. *I am so smart, S-M-R-T!* (It sounds better when you can hear me singing it.)
I guess I'm in a good mood, despite the damned 8 Ball. Who told the 8 Ball about my life, anyway? Stupid powers that be. Didn't I mention that I hate them anyway? And shouldn't I mistrust anything that I hate? Who knows?
Anyway, I'mma go get Amethyst some clothing and maybe take her to the park or something. Or maybe the mall...Screw the 8 Ball. I'm going to have at least a decent weekend if it kills me. And given the pattern of my life, it just might.
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Well, Slate is home. Which is why I haven't been blogging as much-he's been on the computer nearly the entire time he's been back. But we're getting along-all day we've been playing Super Mario World. In which he sucks and I rock. Except for air worlds. Anything involving the high possibility of me falling to my doom makes me cringe-and suck major ass. But other than that, I rock.
Hmmmm...other news...Amethyst has been TOO full of energy today. I was going to take her to the park, but it was all rainy and gloomy so we ended up just staying in. I really should take her to the beach. Or something like that. She's so sweet, she needs to get out more. Maybe I'm just a horrible mother. Mother. Wow. I'm a mother. Who'd've thunk? Okay, we're not counting those teachers in high school who placed bets that I'd get pregnant right away. Those guys are flukes, I say. But they all love my daughter...
Anyway, I'm in not a shitty mood today. A little bit of wanting to destroy all humanity, but not entirely.
I still haven't talked to my knight. I suppose it WAS just me who felt that way. Or maybe he did, too, but chose to forget. Or maybe he let the physical aspects-at least what I told him-obscure the whole picture. Or maybe he got caught up in his life and hasn't had time to get to a computer. Or maybe he was just a player and a liar. Or maybe something terrible happened to him. Or maybe he found someone else, that lives closer. Or maybe...I don't know. I have no idea why he's chosen to go this long without any contact. He promised he wouldn't let it go more than two days-four at the most. And as if that wasn't enough, he's not only NOT emailed me, he hasn't responded to MY email. I know it wasn't my imagination. But maybe everyone else is right-maybe it's not possible to find that, what I thought we had. And maybe he'll email me tomorrow telling me just how sorry he is and the circumstances under which he's been detained. Am I foolish to hope for that? And is anyone surprised to find that that's the only thing I'm hoping for? And will anyone be surprised to find I'm disappointed again? Why do I keep hoping for this? For anything? Hasn't the world/ universe/ multiverse/ whatever given me enough proof that it not only hates humanity, but also has a personal vendatta against me? Yes, yes it has. I suppose I'm just slow to take the hint. As hoping and looking and wishing for my knight is slow to take the hint that he no longer finds me necessary. If he ever did.
I'm drinking an Amaretto Sour. It tastes yummy and good and super alcoholic. Maybe I CAN make it through another night alone.
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There are times when I envy those without children. Then there are times like this when I think they should envy me. Amethyst is walking around the house in her "ruby slippers"-and underwear. I'm just going to have to take a picture of this one. She's adorable. [Edit: Dernit! When I went to go get the camera she took it off. Ah, well. I'mma have to keep one with film ready.]
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So I've got this whole bedtime process. Tonight it's taking longer than some other nights. I just got out of the shower-so my skin is a bright shade of red. And now I'm going to get the rest of the necessary stuff done and maybe actually sleep. Ya know, it's only when I actually have something to do the next day that I stay up until six in the morning. Other nights it's usually between two and four.
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Oh, and my status is set to "Dreaming of a day to come...and a knight". Please don't email to tell me how pathetic I am. I do know. I have heard it before. But you're welcome to email me to tell me how much it's okay to be a wannabe stalker chic. Or any other positive, uplifting tidbits you may have.
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Okay, I'm finally going to bed. I feel a little better. I wrapped up a couple of presents for Amethyst and listened to christmas (deliberately left uncapitalized) music and played a video game. Castlevania, if you must know. Because in general I suck at video games but when it comes to Castlevania I am a god. Okay, technically it was Castlevania Four. Still, I rock. I'm still in a sucky-hate-the-entirety-of-humanity-especially-all-those-I've-met-thus-far mood, but at least I got to whip dead things' asses. They're wrong, you know, those who say video games promote real life violence. Pretend violence is cathartic. Now I don't so strongly want to kick the shit out of the next person who speaks to me. Not that I could, anyway, I'm pretty weak. But give me a whip...
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Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Why? Why not? Slate will be home tomorrow, and I think I'm relieved. Or bothered. Whichever. I don't need to be alone right now, I'm all self destructive. And this time in an entirely different way. More like cutting and slashing and destroying than not caring and allowing idiots access to me. Although, to be fair, I only allowed one idiot that kind of access to me. Blonde isn't an idiot, and in fact quite a decent guy. More than decent, actually.
I still haven't seen my knight online. Am I being paranoid? Obsessive? I mean, HE is the one who "proposed" and "e-married" us. So he must at least like me, right? Or love? Do I love him? Yes, with all my heart when I'm talking to him. When I'm not, though...well, I don't love him any less, he just seems...unnaturally unreal to me. I'm one who needs that constant connection and reassurance that there IS that connection. I think about him all the time, and I'm tortured by his absence.
Actually, to be fair, I'm tortured by a lot of things lately. I don't know why I can't say "fuck off" to the people who hurt me. I know Stormy would. Some days I wish I could be more like her. She doesn't care or take shit from anyone. She knows how to be happy without all the external validation, and she knows how to lie and manipulate people to her whim-and quite often it IS just whim. But she loves me for who I am, even if sometimes it frustrates her all the shit I allow in my life, all the people I allow to hurt me. Even her, but we're past all that now. I think. I hope...hmmm... I saw her husband online tonight and I was so relieved. It meant that she was still awake-even at two her time-and so I could call her. Which I desperately needed to do. Because I needed to talk to someone who knew me and believed me and loved me without condition. And she's all but the only one. The only one I talk to frequently, at any rate. It's good that we're sisters. I don't know where we'd be without each other-although they probably wouldn't have kicked us out of church when we were little. Like I said, the two of us in a room together can be...well, we have fun, even if no one else does. Priests and such are particularly un-amused.
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My friend GreyMatter asked me today "what do you do to make people dislike you so?" I don't know. I wish someone would tell me so I could just quit it. I love everyone individually, even if I hate the masses in general. I'm very kind, compassionate, considerate, polite, respectful, generous, friendly, nonjudgemental, honest. And still I am the most hated person on the planet. The most distrusted, the most suspected, the most disrespected, the most judged. Why, indeed? I'm going to put on some sad songs and cry for a while. I might post again before I go to bed.
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*sigh* (And whenever it starts like that, can't you just tell what kind of mood I'm in?) I must have an indellible sign on my back that says "Stab Here". I only wonder how they keep finding fresh flesh. Most of it is covered in scars.
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Why, why, why can't I just go to bed and sleep until April? Not that anything's going on in April, I just picked a random month. Ever see the whole of your life stretching out in front of you? I do that a lot. And then I just weep. I'mma leave my computer on tonight, and my status is set to "crying into my pillow...again". Sometimes I'm so clever it kills me. Then there are times like these when it's everything else.
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Oh, and I'm starting another blog. In which to put my poetry, and other random writings. Once I get it officially started-right now it's just existant-I'll put a link to it at the top of this page. Well, I will in theory, if I can figure out this whole html thing. Yeah, I'm just barely computer literate.
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So Amethyst and I both fell asleep watching the movie. But I woke up when it was over and put her to bed. And took a super hot shower-while the dryer was running. So all the windows in my house are all fogged up. That's not really interesting in and of itself, and some might think I'm starting to get boring. But it's the little things in life that keep me alive-not sane, I'm not even close to that. Little things like writing on the windows and drawing bizarre little pictures. What's really fun is that on the big one there's a light outside and it outlines the bike out there on the balcony. Yes, yes I did trace it into the window. It looks really neat-neat being the only word I can think of since I'm so tired. I also put my footprints all over it. I know it's juvenile. But sometimes you just have to let go of the constraints of society and do something incredibly childish. At least I do.
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*sigh* Some days I think I really am bipolar. Like today I was all happy and having fun and even had a good day for the most part. Now I'm pissy and irritable and frustrated. I go from way up to way down with no in between and little reason for the change. Yeah, yeah. I've heard it before-go see a doctor. Maybe. But I'm not into drugs.
Anyway, I talked to Blonde online last night. He mentioned that he was going to be in the area and I suggested he come over. He refused. Said I'd just been through a traumatic experience. I asked him what the appropriate time frame was and he said he didn't know, he'd never been around anything like this before. I said I was just fine and he should take my word for it. I didn't think he understood, but then he amazingly hit it RIGHT on the head. In the exact way I was thinking it, he brought it up. I was shocked and impressed. And really glad he understands. And I understand where he's coming from on this, too. So we'll just wait and see what happens.
I was thinking about waiting, though. Discontinuing my "relationship" with Blonde and having patience for my knight. But there are several problems with this. Well, at least a couple. One is that I want to get over it, have something I actually WANT. Another is that I know I'm going to be a little messed up about the next time and I don't want to put that burden on my knight. And I trust Blonde, in a weird and bizarre way. I know he'd never hurt me. A third is that I really, really like the activity with Blonde, he's really, really good at it and it's THOUROUGHLY enjoyable. I've had relationships in the past end because of a poor physical connection, and, though I doubt it'll be that way with my knight, I don't want to regret never having it as good as it is with Blonde. Dammit, I'm completely fucked up about sex. I went an entire year without it and it didn't seem to help. I dunno, I'll work it out somehow, in my own head, eventually. Hopefully before it gets to be a problem, especially with my knight.
Speaking of my knight, I haven't talked to him since Sunday. He's just not been online-I know, I've been there almost consistently. I sent him an email, though. That had that snippet from my blog in it. He hasn't replied. I'm terrified reality is setting in, that he's realizing that people just don't meet and fall in love on the internet. Without ever having met in person, without even ever having a conversation on the phone. I don't want to seem pushy or obsessive, but I AM those things. I want nothing more than to be with him. If I was able I'd go there and marry him right now. Yes, I realize it's a little odd. But that's the way I am. Fortunately-or unfortunately, which is the way I see it-there are too many obstacles standing in the way. My physical flaws-which I want to erradicate before I meet him-my location and his, and mostly my deal with Slate. Not that he wouldn't do everything in his power to help me should I express this desire to him, but it would still take three to six months. *sigh* I am SO not a patient person. But I suppose-as everyone has suggested to me anyhow-that I should concentrate on me, getting my self healthy-physically and mentally and emotionally-so I can be ready for him when the time is right. But as I said before, I'm afraid the time will pass, at least the time when it's appropriate for us to start to be together. Because once we're together we'll be TOGETHER.
Okay, I'm not making any sense. I'mma go watch a movie with Amethyst, she's been so patient. And I hope that I see my knight soon-online at least.
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I was very melancholy last night. But my computer was flippin' out, so I just went to lay in bed. I don't know, I just started contemplating the whole of my life and wondering where I was going from here. The contemplation of which had me going around in circles from optimistic to despondent. I think I'm both. Not a surprise.
Anyway, Stormy called after midnight her time, really upset. And though I try, I never know what to say when someone else is hurting. I guess none of us really do. But I told her I love her and I'm here for her, even if "here" is thousands of miles and an ocean away. That's all I can do.
All right, Amethyst needs attention. And lunch.
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I just got off the phone with Stormy. Yes, I talk to her a lot. She told me what my parents said when I called them crying on Thursday. They said I "claimed" it happened. Like they didn't believe me, maybe even thought I was just making it up to ruin their Thanksgiving. I know so many people who would not be bothered by the way my family hates me. Stormy is one of them. But I actually care. Actually, they don't hate me. Just dislike, mistrust, suspect, disrespect, and not know me. It makes me want to cry. I do, even, and often. I wish sometimes that I were the kind of person who could rage at them and hate them back and shrug it off. But I'm not like that. I care. I've been trying to forgive them for so long. And then this. Stormy thinks I should just ignore it and have nothing more to do with them, ever. It's what she would do. But I cannot. I can merely add this to my (super-long) list of greivances, of things I have to accept about them and deal with. It's so hard for me sometimes, I feel like all I do is whine and complain-and that as soon as I get done with it, something else comes along for me to whine and complain about. I so need to direct my own life, and cease to have others influence so much. I'm not like that, either. But, on the bright side, Stormy told them off for me. Even went so far as to mention that they consistently disbelieve me and trust her when she's the one who always lies, and I couldn't to save my life. I just love her. Sometimes I feel she's all I have to keep me sane. And sometimes she is.
I told her about my knight, since we haven't really been able to talk recently, and she's had limited access to my blog. Instead of thinking I was crazy-the reaction I expected-she was happy for me, saw everything in a positive light, and had nothing but good things to say. Like I said, she's amazing. Just never put us in a room together...
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And a short P.S.-screw my critics. I DO write well.
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Oh, one more thing about my knight. Because I realize I neglected to mention it before, and there's no really good way to go back and insert it in there. When I told him what happened Wednesday night/early Thursday morning he asked me if I was making it up to make him emotional because I felt he was rejecting me. I was in shock. I would never consider doing something like that. I'm not one to make up stories. I wasn't angry; I'm sure he's had some bad experiences in his past to validate such a reaction. I just reassured him that I was not making things up and he calmed down. Well, other than to say that if he'd been here nothing would have happened. Which is true, on so many levels. Not the least of which being if he were here I wouldn't have had ANYONE over, much less a stranger. *sigh* My heart is thousands of miles and an ocean away and the rest of me is left here to miss it.
I think I DO mind being alone tonight. Not desperately, it would just be nice to be held in an intimate, nonsexual way.
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I am now all alone. After a very hectic weekend, I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad one. Usually, I don't like being alone. Probably because of the whole external validation thing. But tonight I think it's a good thing. If for no other reason than that I've been neglecting my blog, and I have a lot to go through, reactions and such.
Starting off...okay, Wednesday night, I talked to my knight. And he mentioned that we might want to back off a little-because it'll be tomorrow that we'll have "known" each other a week. Then either last night or the night before-I have no concept of time-he admits that part of (and I get the impression that it's more like most of) his motivation for that is because he's afraid he won't be attracted to me. Which is exactly how I was afraid he'd react to me. THEN he says that his biggest turn off appearance wise is my biggest flaw. I could have cried. But I told him the truth, that I am what he doesn't want. Since then our schedules have both been busy, so we haven't really talked too much. At least, I hope it's that our schedules are too busy, and not that he's avoiding me. Because he also said that if he had a house and a career-or even a definite plan for those things-he'd have come and gotten me already. AND that I was his ideal woman, the one he's dreamed about his whole life. Except for the physical thing, of course. I haven't even considered the physical part of it-I don't care what he looks like, he's already hella attractive to me. But I'm a chic and he's a man. Okay, moving on-sort of-he also said he's had sex with a total of two people, a total of three times. And that he regrets even those times. I have my issues about that, as you well know. But they are mine, that I have to work through. I know that, and I'm willing to, for him. Sex is a weird thing for me. But I'll figure it out. I didn't tell him how many men I'd been with, and I couldn't even count the number of times. There's a lot we don't know about each other. There's a lot I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want to lose him, if he'd freak out about it. And I don't know how he'd react to most of it. It's a little...more than most people can handle. The big thing being Slate, and how I explain him. And, again, I don't know if I should. Because that situation can be erradicated, so that it won't be an issue. But, again, I'd hate to start out our lives together with a secret. That and I'm too honest and incapable of either lying or keeping secrets. I want to tell him all my flaws, all my wrongs, so that when we meet he will be prepared, but I want to hide them so he won't run. I think he feels the same way. I'm so afraid of this, this thing between us. I'm trying to hold back; I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to understand it, when all it is is acataleptic (incapable of being understood). I think of him and I smile. He's my first thought in the morning, my last at night-I dream about him. I feel his kiss on my lips, his arms around my body, his hands in mine. Without ever picturing what he looks like, I walk with him into the future. I'm so afraid that this is real, because if it is I might have to face it ending. I'm so afraid that this is a dream, because oh, I don't want to wake up. I anticipate our next conversation, and dread it, too. Because with each exchange I feel more connected to him, but with each exchange we come closer to breaking the bubble of the dream we've found together, of becoming real to each other in a very permanent way. It's exhilarating, frightening, maddening, wonderful, awful. I could go on for hours, but there are other things to attend to.
So why don't I get right along with those? Hmmm...I actually let a guy come over last night. Stone was here-not that he inspires any confidence in me, he's all talk, but his presence was comforting. And we went to a movie and all hung out. Well, the men hung out together and I hung out with Amethyst. And it was kewl, because he-and we'll call him Asparagus-seemed completely disinterested in me, at least physically. Until Stone went to sleep, when he "cuddled up" and started biting my neck. He didn't try anything, and stopped when I told him to, so it's all good. And I went to bed. But they were up and listening to football all morning this morning. Now, I'm not anti-football. I'm just a chic, and therefor it's not as interesting to me (and please, yes, I know it's a gender stereotype-they exist for a reason, and for a lot of them the reason is me-and again, I don't want anything about how that's "normal"-we all define things our own way). So they're both talking army shit and football and stuff that has absolutely no meaning to me, and trying to explain it to me and talk to me about it and I just DON'T CARE. I respect that they have interests outside of mine. As do I, outside of theirs. But I don't shove them in their faces and bore them to tears with them. *sigh* Why am I disappointed when I get yet another proof that no one's like me, when all I want is to be different anyway? I'm a walking conundrum. But I make SENSE. No one understands that. Well, maybe one, and hopefully another will get it soon.
Okay, moving right along.
I sometimes get really frustrated with Amethyst. She's three, I'm an "adult", naturally it's going to happen. But this weekend...I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. She's so GOOD, agreeable, friendly, polite, smart, interested, obedient-even though I don't expect her to be, and in fact encourage her not to. I just don't want her to take my word on it, just because I say so. If I tell her to do something and she asks "why" I consider that a perfectly acceptable exchange. She never says no, and in fact mostly just does it-especially if it's familiar, like "clean up your room". She likes cleaning, even asks me all the time to help with the dishes. *Rubbing my hands together evilly* Excellent. Because I only had her because I don't like housework. (And if this is necessary, my pointing out that that's a joke, go away. Read some teenager's blog about how stereotyping blondes "isnt rilly revelent bcuz were not all liike that.") Anyway, the point is, she's awesome. Undemanding, loving, perfectly three. And amazing. I swear this isn't just a mother's bias. She just rocks.
All right, more.
Rapping up a few unresolved issues-but not all, I'm not that benevolent ( at least not tonight)-Caramel is rarely online and when he is he doesn't talk to me. So no more him. Eggshell the same, but that's more than okay-I'm pretty sure it was just another horny little boy syndrome anyway. Mauve was supposed to come over one night maybe a month ago but never showed up and has not been in touch or online at all. So no more him. My critic doesn't email me anymore, not since he read my entry about him and asked why I hadn't given him a colour-to which I replied "what colour ARE you"-because I don't give colour until actual meetings in general. Royal's always online, so when I see him there during the day I set my status message to "Reminded of the mess you made of me as I clean." Not because I'm messed up over him, but because I think it's amusing. Obviously I've moved on. But I'm not above a little sadistic humour every now and then. Which reminds me-never ask how I'm teaching Amethyst the alphabet. Let's just say I'm going to be getting a LOT of phone calls from kindergarten. Hey, it's funny to me. No matter how wrong it is to the rest of the world. And-since this is a random tangent, I'll just add another one-Stone wants to get her all gothed up to go out with us to the mall sometime. My theory? "We'll see."
Okie day, then, I'm sure there's a ton more that I could write about right now, but I think I'm going to turn the tunes up, run a too hot bath and soak for a while with a glass of something alcoholic.
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I'm sick of people talking AT me, especially about stuff I have no interest in. But they're here.
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I'm not really upset. I PROMISE, I'm not. I'm a little in shock, but honestly, I'm fine. I'm just a little emotional. And I need attention. Lots of hugs and physical contact, and a constant stream of "I love yous". And I want it my way, right away. And that means if I suggest it, it gets done. I haven't really been getting it that way. Stone is more concerned with himself. Hasn't even said anything, really. Other than empty threats as to what he'd do to the guy. And I couldn't even wake his ass up that morning. Whatever. He and I had a big fight earlier about it-because when I knew him before where we lived, he had nothing and was always broke and I did EVERYthing for him. Bought him stuff he asked for-and yes, he did ask-took him out to movies and dinners and shows and clubs and EVERYthing I paid for. Because I had it and he didn't. That't the kind of person I am. If I have it and you don't I'm willing to share. Stone's talking about all this that he wants to buy for himself-including an expensive tattoo-and he can't even buy a dress that's on clearance that I ask him for for Amethyst. I'm not saying he owes me, I'm not saying it's his responsibility or obligation, I'm just saying that's a little messed up. But it's his money. I'm not going to claim a right to it, even though I could. I just told him how fucked up that was and got all pissy. But I'm not the kind of person who can stay angry, or carry a grudge. So I made him talk to me about it and explained that I wasn't really angry at the way he was, I was just frustrated because I would never treat my friends like that. And he said he felt like shit for acting that way and we made up and it's all good. AND he went and bought Amethyst the dress, even though at that point I told him not to. S'all good. Anyway, he and I are going to go see a movie in a few, so I'll have go for now.
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