I feel so blah. And I'm in 'horny little bitch' mode, so that's not helping anything. I am REALLY sexually frustrated. But at least I got my love to admit that he DIDN'T want me going elsewhere for physical attention. Ah, well. That's what toys are for.
Speaking of toys, there's this guy I've been talking to online for like MONTHS and all of a sudden he wants to take me out tonight to buy me a toy. Should I let him? I'm thinking so. I'm all about exploiting the ignorant. BUT-and isn't there always a but?-I'd have to figure out a way for him to get it for me without giving him anything in return. And we all know what he wants in return. I'm good, though. I think I can do it. Hey, a free toy is a free toy. And besides, I've had a lot of practice manipulating men (not that I should be admitting that, but I figure it's okay to do to the stupid).
We'll see how it goes. Either way, I'm amused.
Laters

I'm evil, but at least I'm amused. I was talking to GreyMatter and he mentioned that one of his girlfriends had posted something to his site that he was afraid his OTHER girlfriend would see. So I did a little damage of my own and left him an even worse message. *I* think I'm funny. AND I'm amused at how he thinks he'll explain it to them.
Laters

Goddammit, there's so fucking MUCH I don't know! And I suck at research. There are a million things I have to do to get ready for this, and I only know one or two of them. And even if I knew everything, I'm still fucking terrified. I've never been on my own. Never. I don't even think I can do it. But since it looks pretty much like I have to, I want to CHOOSE in what way to do so. Move to another country? When I've never even been outside my own? I have no skills, no job, no education, no money. Nothing. Would I be able to make it? Would I be able to make it even in my OWN country? Damn, this is scary. What can I do? What should I do? I'm in love. I want to choose love, to be with love. Love chose me. Love chose to exist for me. What will MY love say? He's so scared. How would he react if I were in the same area? How would *I* react if I were in the same area and I STILL wasn't able to be with him? What happens then? Hell, what happens NOW?
I'm so fucking confused.
Laters

I'm kinda lonely. Amethyst is asleep and Slate's working. I tried to call Stormy but she and her husband were having sex in the shower-and no, I have no IDEA why they answered the phone. And my love is a million miles away.
*sigh*
Also, I'm still in pain. It won't go away. If I move around a lot or stay still, standing, sitting, running around in circles or jumping on the trampoline, even chasing invisible frisbees. And my damned appointment is next fucking week. Not that it'll help, stupid doctors. I took medicine for it last night but I think it made me sick. I had to leave my love early and go sleep it off. But at least I woke up feeling much better.
Another thing, I hate having secrets. I'm no good at keeping them. And I have TWO. BIG ones. I guess it's a good thing that Stormy never called me back, because I would've spilled.
Pah. I'mma go do something. Well, pretend to do something while I actually wait for my love.
Laters

Okay, I was just about to post when the missionaries came a'knockin' on my door. So I don't really remember what I was going to say earlier. But now all I have to say is that I'm in pain. REALLY BAD PAIN. I took some drugs, but dammit, I just hurt. I hurt so bad I just wanna rip out my fucking spine. Oh, and I was feeling antagonistic when they were here so I got into a heated arguement. I won, though. Anyway, I'mma go fix Amethyst some dinner and then lay down for a while until my love gets online. And OWIE!!
Laters

Is it just me or is this whole anti-smoking campaign making me want to smoke MORE? And I quit when I got pregnant. Dammit. Stupid health nuts. But at least I'm not going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital and dying of nothing.
I went to a movie with Amethyst on her birthday. I've already mentioned that. It was the new superhero movie. Now, I have a problem with superhero movies and books and media in general. I mean, why does everyone with superhuman powers have to be fighting for good? It's ridiculous! I mean, if all of a sudden I noticed my daughter was uber strong or could fly or walk through walls-hell, ANYTHING-I'd encourage her to put her powers to good use. 'Use' meaning robbing a bank or something along those lines. Hey, if you can get away with it...Does that make me a bad parent? I don't think so. I just have different morals than most people. Morals on a sliding scale, situational ethics type thing. It works for me. At least I think my heart is in the right place. Above my stomach and below my throat-and congratulations to anatomy.
Also, I went out today. All by myself. It was fun. I got to see my movie-which is bombing in the box office, but is just AWESOME to me. And everywhere I went, I noticed something...odd. Totally bizarre, really. Guys were checking me out. I mean SERIOUSLY checking me out. And like interested-in ME. That's not something that I'm used to. But today I suppose I was just...glowing, to use the old cliche. I'm happy. Truly happy, and maybe people are noticing. That's the only explanation I can come up with.
And I'm in pain. And I mean PAIN. Excrutiating is such an understatement right now. No matter what I do, it's just getting worse. And the fucking doctors with their official "wow, that's weird" diagnosis just want to dope me up-not get rid of the pain but knock me out of my senses so it doesn't matter that it hurts so fucking badly. I don't hate doctors, and I've always been a good patient. But after a certain point with seeing so MANY incompetent ones...Yeah, maybe I should just rip out my spine instead.
Oh, yeah, and I haven't eaten. And there's nothing in this house that I really want to eat. Besides my stomach's all upset and I've got a headache, so I'm just going to go lay down and hope everything just goes away.
Oh, and I just love my lovie. He's just so amazing. We were talking last night forever and I just hated to let him go-even though I needed sleep.
Okay, I'mma go lay down for a couple hours until it's time to meet my lovie online.
Laters

I have never wanted anything more in my entire life than I want right now to be making love to my love. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I'm going to lie in bed until Amethyst wakes up, imagining the things I want to do with him. To him. FOR him.
Laters

OMG, so today (technically yesterday) was Amethyst's birthday. We had SO much fun! We let her unwrap her few presents and jump on her trampoline. Then I took her to a movie and we went shopping. And by shopping, I mean shopping. The girl way. Amethyst was TOO cute. Kept saying, "It's my birthday so I can pick anything I want." And she DID. It was awesome. Then she made a little bed out of her trampoline and fell asleep on it. She's the most adorable kid EVER. We just had a good day-despite my not sleeping and having an early appointment over the course of which I figured out something about myself-despite or to spite my therapist, but she wasn't any help. Well, she WAS help, but in a kind of negative way. If that makes any sense. Hell, it doesn't have to. *I* get it.
Other news...oh, I wore a ring today that I haven't worn in AGES. And I must say it looked fabulous on my finger.
And I talked to Plum and he's going toy shopping with me this weekend. He's the only one I can think of that would not only not be uncomfortable, but also get a kick out of it. Plus maybe I can get him to buy me some more panties. Hehehehehe. Hey, a chic's gotta have friends.
Okay, I'm not sleepy, but I know I'm tired. I've not slept well at all recently, and hopefully I'll crash when I hit the pillow.
Laters

"When I was a child the story would say
Somebody will sweep you off your feet someday
That's what I hoped would happen with you
More than you could know
I wanted to tell you that my heart's in your hands
I prayed for the day when I would get the chance
Just when I worked up the courage to try
Much to my surprise
You had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I kept to myself
I may never get to hold you so tight
I may never get to kiss you goodnight
I may never get to look deep in your eyes
Or so it seems
I'll always will be wishing you were mine
I think about what could be all the time
All the happiness that I could find
Baby a girl can dream
From the moment I wake up
'Til I fall asleep
I imagine you not with her but with me
Talkin' and laughin'
Sharin' our dreams
It's just a fantasy
Cuz you had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I kept to myself"
I heard this song and I just felt SO awful. She's been hanging on to that dream of him for I don't even know HOW long. And I'm the someone else. What could I do? I love him, too.
Laters

"Everyone tells me this feeling will pass
But I got a feeling that this is a feeling that was meant to last
You took my heart with your first hello
And sooner or later I'll find the courage to let you know
That you got a hold
Down deep in my soul
That goes from here to infinity
You'll always be the one I need
As long as I have breath in me
I'll never give up on your love as long as I live
Baby I'll give you the best I've got
If that's not enough than I don't know what
To be complicated's the hardest to do
I'm simply in love with you
Run to me baby and hold out your hand
I'll give you more love than one guy can stand
Whatever you want baby that's what I'll do
I'm simply in love with you
Simply in love
They say all good things come to those who wait
And I'd wait forever because it's useless to resist our fate
So stop runnin' 'round here and you will find
Later or sooner my baby you know that you're gonna be mine
So don't waste your time
Get deep and sublime
And go from here to infinity
You'll always be the one I need
As long as I have breath in me
I'll never give up on your love as long as I live"
I'm happy. Giddy. Ecstatic. And in love. Most especially in love. And all is right with my world. I know I'll have my ups and downs, my joys and sorrows. But I will always love him. So my lows can never really be low, and my highs-well, my highs are farther than out of this world. I don't deserve this. But I'm certainly not going to tell him that. And I'm definitely never leaving this feeling behind.
Laters

I'm all bad moody. Still in pain, too. And upset at myself for picking a fight with my love. Again. I AM fucking everything up. It's just the way I am. It's like I somehow decide what I want and then do my best to screw myself out of getting it. "A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?" Whatever. I hope he gets online soon. I have an early appointment, and I just need to talk to him before I go to bed.
I just feel horrible. I'm bitter and pissy and irritable. I'm not usually this way, but I just have been having too much bad shit go on. And I thought I could handle it. But lately, thinking about all the bad shit that's happened in my life...I just feel very attacked, very victimized. Like the whole world's picking on me.
Also, I'm almost actively female. Which means I'm SUPER...attention hungry. And my love is an ocean or two away. And he doesn't even want me. I mention the posibility of going to see him and he's just...not into the idea. Actively against it, even.
It doesn't help my mood at all that I didn't sleep for more than twenty minutes last night-and had nightmares again that entire time.
Whatever. I'm going to wait for my love as long as I can. Then sleep. Hopefully without dreams.
Laters

"You found hope, you found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love, lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy, made it free,
Made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.
It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale; take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall."
And there's no way to tell him that I'm not her. That I won't take that away. That I'll give him my everything, forever. That I already have. Because, as he says, "those are just WORDS."
Laters

"They've got me speaking all their words
Singing all their songs
I guess they'll have me righting all their wrongs
They've got me speaking all their songs
Singing all their words
I can't help it if it's only getting worse
It's only getting worse
It's only getting worse
It's only getting worse"
Quaquaversal again. Surprised? I shouldn't be. I should know that only bad shit ever happens to me. Suffering and loss-I should be accustomed to this by now. And I'm still surprised when I go to bed crying. And shocked when I wake up screaming.
Laters

"Sitting on the bed,
every finger's red,
looking for some motivation.
If I can offend,
I try to fit in
and I dont need an explanation.
I think I better wake.
I'm starting to deflate.
I'm looking for some compensation.
I'll never understand.
I'll never be a man,
but I don't know what something's on,
But Anyway,
I just can't be myself today, a ...
But Anyway,
Cause nothing seems to come to me, not possibly.
But anyway,
Cause I mistake my symphony for suffering.
Cause I mistake my memories for company.
But what a day, I gotta say,
I can't believe in myself this way."
SO much would be better if I just died. Everyone I care about would be better off.
Laters

"It's not.. what you thought...
When you first... began it.
You got... what you want...
You can hardly stand it, though,
By now you know, it's not going to stop...
It's not going to stop...
It's not going to stop,
Till you wise up.
No, it's not going to stop,
Till you wise up.
No, it's not going to stop,
So just give up."
I love how music can so accurately express what I'm feeling.
Laters

"You hurt me baby
I hurt you baby
If you knew how much I loved you
You would run away
But I treat you bad
It always makes you want to stay
I didn't want to hurt you baby
I didn't want to hurt you
I didn't want to hurt you
But you're pretty when you cry"
But who's hurting who?
Laters

"Cinderella said to Snow White
'How does love get so off course?
All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart,
soft touch, fast horse.'
Ride me off into the sunset, baby I'm forever yours."
I didn't even want that much. Just someone to love me. And trust me. Apparently, I am impossible.
Laters

I cannot go on like this. I cry myself to sleep nearly every night. He wants me to wait. So fine, I'll wait. But what am I waiting for? I don't even know. He doesn't trust me. And the only way for him TO trust me is to give me the opportunity to run away. Does he honestly think I will? After all this, everything he knows about me, does he think I'm just going to leave him? Apparently so. He'd rather never tell me anything, and keep this on a not even superficial level than trust me at all. And I'M the evil whore bitch because I want to help him out of his little cage. Yeah, he's safe there. But he's also trapped. I am all or nothing-and I have and am giving him my all. So I want to know the man I'm in love with. Again, how dare I? I could wait forever if I could believe that for even one moment at the end I'd be able to be with him-totally, completely with him. And he refuses. To even give me hope. He says he loves me and that he'll never leave me. But he IS leaving. By not trusting. I am not leaving him. But someday soon, the ball will be in his court-and he will have to either leave, or jump. I'm already over the cliff. I've sprouted wings and am high on love. And every day he ties another weight to my ankles. From his safe, little cage.
I'd better quit before I get angry. I already have a headache and am still in excrutiating pain. So I get to cry myself to sleep yet again.
Laters

Well, blah. You know who hasn't called me in a million years? Magenta. No, I don't have any concept of time. Deal.
I'm fucking still in pain. And I can't call the doctor until Monday and I'm out of my drugs. Woo friggin' hoo.
Oh, AND I'm trying to get Amethyst and I passports. But there's a difficulty as I have no proof of sole custody-or of custody at all, really. And I have no idea who the biological sperm donor is, and I can't exactly ask Ruby to help me out because he refuses to speak to me. So I don't know if I'll be able to do that until she's eighteen, and can legally do it on her own. Because there's no way in hell I'm even going to try tracking down the asshole who knocked me up-I refuse to allow anyone that kind of 'in' into Amethyst's life. Besides, they all had that opportunity, and they all passed. And she's MY kid. So there.
Slate and I had an arguement/discussion. We seem to be good now. None of this would even matter if he wasn't such a stuff oriented person. But he is. I'm not. There's so much of my stuff-even stuff that's sentimental or important to me in some way-that's scattered across the nation, that it hardly matters. I'll never see most of it again. Do I care? Yeah, sure. Does it matter? Not at all. Not that I don't like getting presents. I do. I REALLY like getting presents. I ESPECIALLY like getting presents in the mail. *grin*
I actually slept for more than four hours last night. I needed to, I've not been sleeping well. And when I went to bed, all I had were nightmares-not bad enough to wake me up screaming, but bad enough to give me a sense of forboding all day. Horrible, horrible dreams.
Anyway, I'm going to go pretend to do something. When all I'm really doing is waiting for my love.
Laters

I do not feel well. My stomach's a little upset, but that's not what the problem is. I'm in such excrutiating fucking pain, I can barely see straight. Ow! I'mma go lay down. And ow!
Laters

FUCK! I'm fucking everything up. Not surprising, I always fuck everything up. I hate waiting, I'm not a patient person. So I'm getting upset that he's waiting and he's getting upset that I keep asking him not to. He won't even let me do anything to help him. I hate being so fucking helpless. I hate being too in love and so fucking far away. And he's okay with that. He's just fine to sit over there in his little world of tomorrow and twiddle his thumbs and do NOTHING. How can he stand it? How can he know where I am, and not want to be with me? How can he be so afraid? Dammit, I'm not HER. I'm me, and the me that he loves is impatient as all fucking hell. And the he that I love is just as scared as I am impatient. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, fuck! I AM impossible. Impossible to live with, impossible to be in a relationship with. Impossible to love. I can't stop asking. I can't stop hoping. And all it's doing is pissing him off. *sigh* I suck.
AND he's telling me to go out and get physical attention from someone else. I don't WANT it elsewhere. I want it from him. And not only, that, but my LAST relationship was ruined when he told me to go get it from somewhere else. Men are so fucking ridiculous.
I'm upset. I feel like this relationship is all I am. Hell, he IS all I am. He's my world, my everything, my reason for living. But this is an every other day kind of thing. One day woohoo, the next boo hoo.
And then he keeps telling me to be selfish, and shooting me down when I try to be. The only thing I need to be selfish about is him. I do everything for everyone else. Hell, I'm losing my child and being put in a hospital for Slate. I'm giving my child to Stormy. I've moved all over the goddamned country for other people. Every decision in my life has been made for me. And that's been okay with me. I don't mind doing everything for everyone else. I just wonder when it's my turn to make a choice for myself. When do I get to live my life for me?
And then I have to work through this with my love. Because, impatient as I am, much as I hate waiting, I love him. I HAVE to wait. But, dammit, I don't have to like it. And I ALSO have to ask. And dammit, he doesn't have to like it, either.
I love him. He loves me. We work through this. And eventually we'll get to be together. I have to believe that.
Laters

I can't think. I can't sleep. All I can do is WANT him. I love him, but tonight I just NEED him physically. I can't handle this. I just can't do it. I want him to touch me, to carress my tongue with his. I want to wrap my legs around him and pull him TO me. I want to SCREAM-his name while I'm with him, but right now in frustration that I'm NOT with him. All night, all I could think was that he was HERE. He was twenty minutes from me. And I haven't been with anyone for like three months. I know I went a year and all that, but DAMMIT! I wish I could just ask him to jump on a plane and come be WITH me. I need that. We both need the physical attention. But I can't even ask him to call. I keep hoping, thinking he knows where I live, maybe the next knock will be him. Maybe I'll open the door and he won't even say anything, just wrap me in his arms and be kissing me. This is TORTURE, this not being with him. It's hell. I'm not going to be able to handle this-and not just not well. But not at all.
Laters

I miss high school. Especially senior year. I had three dates to senior prom. Yes, three. And I looked good back then, too. If I could go back in time, I'd definitely go back to then. Ah, well. Time goes only one way.
Laters

I have never had a hangover. Thank goodness. I don't think I would like it. I miss my lovie. I wish I could spend every second of every day with him. Okay, I'm going to go fix dinner.
Laters

Oh, I feel REALLY bad. We were having problems with messenger last night, and while he was trying to type something Amethyst woke up and wanted me to put her to bed and hold her. Which I did. But I was so drunk that I fell asleep. And when I woke up, he'd left. He'd been going on just as little sleep as I have, and it's all understandable and stuff. I just feel horrible that I passed out on him. AND that I didn't really get a chance to talk to him. *frown* Ah, well. I just love him. I really, really, really love him. And I got an email from his friend, saying that she's sorry about everything. I understand, and I'm just sorry that she couldn't tell him earlier, before I showed up in his life. Maybe things would have turned out differently. I'm rather glad they didn't, but still.
I woke up with an upset stomach-not surprising, I drank a LOT. I woke up and there were three empty liquor bottles lying around. Oops. I'm glad I got online, though. Okay, I'm still maybe a little off. So I'm going to go take a nap with Amethyst and then maybe go shopping for her birthday again. I just LOVE shopping for her. I wish I could buy her the world. I want her to have everything she needs, and everything she wants, and everything she never thought she could want. She's so amazing. I just love her. ANd I love my lovie. How is it possible to give all your love to two people at the same time? Powerful thing, love.
Laters

I'm definitely NOT taking my drugs tonight. Because if I did, I would just pass out. Besides, my pain isn't as bad as it has been. And I plan on talking to the doctor tomorrow, to discuss different drugs and alternatives to drugs. I'm also REALLY trying to sober up so I can talk to my lovie. It's not working too well. Not surprising. And then I have half a glass of amaretto sour left that's just BEGGING to be drunk...but I'll finish it off on my way to bed. Probably help. Damn, I love him. I just really do. He is my everything. And I'm glad he is. I'm glad I can be what and who he needs me to be. I'm going to go eat some more and hope that it absorbs most of the liquor.
Laters

So I'm weak. I got online before he could read my email. So he DOESN'T know my number. I don't know whether to be relieved or upset. But I'm incredibly drunk right now, so it doesn't really make a difference, does it? I drank an entire bottle of wine and half a bottle of amarretto. Screw spelling, too. So I'm going to talk with my love. And ACTUALLY wait, instead of just say I will and then get all impatient and pissy. I DO love him. And I was right about his friend wanting him, too. *sigh* I feel bad for her. I know how much it hurts to see the one you love love another. I like her, though. I really do. And she likes me, too, though I'm sure she wishes she could hate me. We'll get through this. All of us. That what people who care about each other do. I love him. I'm drunk, but I still love him. And now I'm going to go talk to him, and make a million typos for which he'll have to forgive me.
Laters

"I hope that you will see
How much you mean to me
I don't understand why you have gone
The pain inside my heart
It's tearing me apart
Cause now I stand here on my own
But now I cry myself to sleep
Only you are what I need
We can make it if we try
I am no where without you
I don't know what I should do
Cause my tears will never dry...
And I still wonder why..."
What am I doing? Well, I'm not going to be able to post anything until tomorrow. But right now I'm drinking a bottle of wine-yes, and entire bottle, and yes, with my medicine that says "do not have liquor while on this". Screw it. I'm drinking. And trying to find a way to understand when he doesn't call. When, not if. I know it. I do. But hope blossoms strong as ever. And even if he doesn't call tonight, he'll still have my number. And still won't call, and STILL, every night, I'll think 'maybe tonight's the night, maybe he'll call'. And even though every night I'll know he won't, and every night I'll be disappointed when he doesn't. And every night I'll still love him. *sigh* I love him. I almost regret having even given him my number.
Laters

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.
There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be."
I am in love with this man. And I believe that he is in love with me. But last night he tells me that he was HERE. Last week. I don't know when last week, it could even have been for V Day-and he knew what a shitty V Day I'd had. He was here, not twenty minutes from me. And he still couldn't call. He still couldn't knock on a door. I am SO sorry that he's been so hurt. But how can I ever convince him that I'm not her? How can I give him faith in me, in us? I simply don't know. I can tell him a million times in a million ways, and he'd still be afraid. Should I push him over the edge-off the cliff into my arms? And if I DO push, will he grow wings or crash and burn? Love is a funny thing. A complicated, confusing, overwhelming thing. I have to get him to me. I HAVE to. I need him. It's not even a matter of want. I NEED him. I need my life, and he is it.
But I can't get online tonight. So I sent him my number. Will he call? I honestly don't know. I want him to. I think HE needs to. It's a step he needs to be able to take. And if he can't...well, if he can't, I'll wait. I'll see him online tomorrow. I'll cry a lot tonight, but I'm prepared for that. All I can do is hope and love. He's already got my heart. And all I want is his voice.
We'll see how it goes. He'll probably sit by the phone for hours, picking it up and putting it down, and maybe even dialing all but the last digit of my number and then slamming the phone back down in fear. He's so cute, I can almost see him doing it. In my head he's adorable. I just hope he'll dial that last number without thinking about it, that it will be ringing before he has the chance to get it into his head that he's going to hear my voice on the other end. But like I said, we'll see.
I love him. I'm in love with him. This is the next step. Maybe he just doesn't know how ready he is.
Laters

This is from last night, but for some reason I couldn't fucking get to blogger:
Okay, this might be a long one. I have a lot going on in my head tonight.
First of all, I've been trying to take myself out of all the online personal things. Which is something that I'm sure most people are embarrassed about, but I'm okay with it. I figure the more intelligent are online anyway. But the thing about these personal sites is that you CAN'T take yourself totally out of them. All you can do is hide your profile-to come back at a later date and activate it again. Now, this is amusing to me. Why? Because they all advertise "this is the way to find TRUE love!!-but if you do, don't leave our site because hell, it'll probably end anyway". Yeah. That's what I think.
What else am I thinking about? Oh, yeah. Tuesday night is my TV night. And my favourite show at the moment is this morality drama about a 'dirty' cop. What I like about it is that it doesn't preach about the morality of it. It doesn't throw in your face the 'these are bad deeds' bullshit. It leaves it up to the viewer to decide whether this is a good man who does bad things or a bad man who does good ones. And it's so far really excellent about him walking the line of getting caught. The thing is, it's POPULAR-and I mean ratings are through the roof. The guy even won an award for best actor. So he CAN'T get caught-because there goes the show. On the other hand, how long can it last? I mean, after a certain point there's only so much of 'he almost got caught but by some fluke or other got away with it' that we can take without it getting monotonous or just plain too far out. That'll come later, though. Right now, I really like it.
I'm also thinking about my love. How can I not think about my love? He's my every thought. Everything I do I wish he were doing with me, from the absolutely thrilling to the dully mundane. And it's already six/eight in the evening tomorrow where he is. So far away...yet completely in my heart. I love him. I can't help it, I'm in love with him. I love the way we are together. I love every little thing about him. He is my life, my love, my friend...he is my everything.
I have to do my dishes. I keep putting it off and now it's just to the gross phase. Don't get me wrong, I perfer a clean house. But the DISHES...somehow they just always pile up. And the thing is, none of them are mine. Because I rarely eat. And Amethyst is just...well, four. Almost four. Whatever.
I had a talk with Slate today. Told him how my feelings were hurt at him kicking me out. It's not even that he's kicking me out, it's that he's so willing to do so even if it means me losing my daughter and probably being put in the hospital-with broken everything. I don't think he doesn't CARE about me. I just think that he hates Amethyst and is sick of me. And is more than a little selfish-but I've told him that, too. It just hurts my heart that I'm willing to do everything for everyone else, and so few are willing to do anything for me-even at the cost of my health, or possibly even my life. And still I forgive and bend over to take it up the ass once again. Although that's a very appropriate image, coming from Slate.
I'm biting my nails again. I can't stop. I'm used to it and it's all part of my oral fixation thing...I know they look prettier when they're all long. But it's a habit I can't yet break. Besides, it goes in cycles. Sometimes they grow out for a while and sometimes I bite them down to nubs.
Ah, yes. I found something today. And I was surprised at how little it meant to me. The past IS in the past, and is going to stay there. Even for me, who all but can't let go. Except aparently I have. Good. But it was news to me.
Amethyst is excited about her birthday on Monday. I'm going to make Slate be nice to her and do all sorts of fun things with us no matter how much she acts up. Because it's her birthday, dammit. And I have an appointment that morning, so I figure he can meet me with her somewhere fun. Like the zoo or the arcade or...well, I'll let HER decide. So there.
I love movies. I know I'm a flawed, lazy bitch, but movies are fun. AND one is coming out sometime soon with my favourite actor. Speaking of favourite actors, my favourite lust object has been on this TV show that I never watch. And from the previews, I'm glad I don't, because he's too...clean cut in it. He was much sexier as a kind of hot vengence saint. AND in that one, he had a sexy as hell accent. Yes, chics are all about the accent. I wonder if my love has an accent...*I* used to have an accent. A southern drawl. Which was great when I was living in the north and got pulled over for speeding all the time-with my southern driver's license. And all I had to do was put my innocent little hand on my innocent (not so little) chest and flutter my innocent little eyelashes and declare in my innocent little voice "why officer, I have no iDEa why you pulled me ovah!" with the little half shrug. Worked every time. And what's even more amusing is that they ALL called me a 'charming young lady' and warned me never to do it again. Hehehe. There are so many reasons I love being female. Not the least of which is that men are so easy. (Oh, and I could SO write a better horror/suspense movie than the crap that's on right now.)
Oh, and the god thing. That makes it sound horrible-'the god thing'. But it's strange how it keeps coming up recently. The people from my parents' religion came by yesterday, wanting to know if I'd go to church with them. And they asked if I had any questions they could look up for me. I asked them if they had about sixteen notebooks and about three days. *sigh* I don't know why I get so...touchy when the subject of religion comes up. I'm definitely a 'to each his own' kind of girl. But...so much of me wants so badly to believe. In god, in religion, in the little details of faith. And now I find out that my love is christian. And that it's a big part of his life. What do I think about that? I don't know. I want to be part of his life, of every aspect of it. I want my child to be raised with faith. I want to have more children to be raised the same way. But there's so much that I have to work throughfor myself first. And I've been wanting to for a while, it's just been...well, difficult to do and easy to put on the back burner, to make less than a priority. Only now...now I have motivation, a reason to evaluate and examine my ideas on the subject. I love him.
My love showed up online while I was in the middle of writing this. It was a great surprise, because his internet has been having problems-like that he doesn't have unlimited internet and has spent more than eighty hours online with me, and they cut him off. But he called and convinced them that he was an upstanding young gentleman-or something like that, he says he dropped names and has connections. I wish *I* had connections. Anyway, so we're talking and his best friend/ex-girlfriend is having issues. I don't know anything about this girl, other than the few emails we've exchanged. But I told my love that it might be possible that she wanted more than friendship with him and that he needed to talk to her. He was STILL going to hang around online with me, but I convinced him that was inappropriate, and he needed to be with his friend. He'll be back later, if he can. And I'll wait for as long as I can, as I've not taken my medicine yet. I'm about to, but it takes a little while for it to take effect. I just love him. And he's so impressed that I'm so understanding. How could I not be? If he's concerned about his friend, he needs to be with her. That just makes sense to me. I'm not being noble. I'm just being human. And in love.
Laters

Oh, I was going to do this whole entry about god and how the subject keeps popping up. But I'll have to do it tomorrow. Or just some other time. Because right now I have no energy. And I have to wake up early to meet my lovie on line.
Laters

My skin is all soft and lovely smelling. I took a hot bath. And by hot I mean that I had it all the way up, no cold in the mix at all. I love that feeling of almost burning. And I put rosy smelling stuff in the water, and had cinnamon and pumpkin candles burning. And I used sweet pea lotion...I just smell all yummy. Mmmmmmm, yummy. And my skin is so touchably soft...if I were a guy I'd be all over me. Yes, yes I would. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, DAMN, I sure look fine. I can't blame those horny boys I would make me mine." It also helps that I'm having a pretty day-I like the way my hair looks and the way my smile makes me look like a mad fool. And the way my skin has that fresh washed blush to it. And the way my eyes shine-either like I'm in love or like I know something the rest of the world just doesn't. Both of which are true.
Mmmmmmm, my house smells good. Like the onset of fall. Yep, good day.
Laters

I get the bed tonight! I get the bed tonight! Slate found himself a new beau, so he's spending the night in a hotel room with him. Which means...I get the bed tonight! Not that I mind sleeping on the floor. But I get the bed tonight! So there.
I've also kind of had a good day. Well, other than the heinousness of the mess this morning. Amethyst has been pretty good-apologetic and all that, doing what she's been told. I got to meet Slate's beau. I've got some really, really amazingly awesomely kewl stuff on order for my love-just waiting for my tax return. I actually got to eat. AND I got to drive the convertible-just through the drive through, but still. Notice I'm not saying I had a great day-that always ends in shit. Too high makes too low, in my life. But I did have a kind of good day. So now all I need is to talk to my love and all will be right with my world. Yay, me!
Laters

The things we do for those we love...when sometimes we'd rather just slaughter them ritualistically and scatter the pieces across creation so we'll never have to do those things again. *sigh* I'd just like to go ONE WEEK without Amethyst creating some heinous mess that's all but impossible to clean up. Especially because I have to clean it up before Slate finds out about it-or he MIGHT just slaughter her. Actually, at this point, I'd like to go one DAY. Although, it is a lot worse today than usual. Children are sneaky. They can look and act so cute and innocent-and then you turn your back and they sprout the horns and the tail and grab the pitchfork they've been so carefully concealing. Oh, well. Hopefully this will all come out and not stain or anything. Yeah, I hope.
Laters

I like knowing things that other people don't. But I like knowing them because I'm always so eager to share them. Yeah, I can't keep a secret for shit.
And I know that I said at least a couple times something about bed and sleep. But there's always that one more thing that just HAS to be done-and that usually wakes me up enough to at least write a short entry here. That and I've been neglecting my poor blog and it's been getting lonely. (No, I don't have to make sense. I'm on drugs. So there.)
Laters

There are things you do when you're alone and things you do when you have an audience. This is the latter. I don't edit myself, and I don't write for anyone. But I do write with the certain knowledge that others read. I even know many of them. Sometimes I even write to them here. But that's okay. This is the part of my that's...me, yes-but that's also...public. Safe, maybe. But there's another part of me that's not so public, not so safe. And not for an audience. Only now...now it HAS an audience. Sharing that part of me is certainly frightening. But also kind of exciting. Vulnerable, yes. But to be ABLE to share that part of myself-the part that Stormy doesn't even know about...damn, I MUST love him. I certainly trust him enough.
And now I'm about to pass out drugged.
Laters

Druggy sleepy kooky silly me.
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I was going through all sorts of old notebooks today. I love doing that. It's like I'm reaching back into the past. And it's interesting-because I'M interesting, at least to me. And one of the things I found in one of the old notebooks was a letter I'd written to Ruby-a kind of break up letter. After we'd already broken up, but were pretending to be friends. Nine or ten pages about how it was hurting both of us to talk to each other. And I never gave it to him because even though it hurt, I needed it. He'd been such a big part of my life for such a long time. He was the one who escorted me into adulthood. And now that HE has chosen never to talk to ME again, I kinda wish I'd have done it first. Hell, I thought of it first. But it's okay. Every thing worked out the way it did and here I am-in love for real and forever.
Yes, I got to make up with my love. YAY! But the downside is that we couldn't do the whole make up sex thing. I've heard from so many people that make up sex is just the BEST. Stormy even picks fights with her husband so they can make up afterwards. I've never HAD make up sex. I lived with Ruby for more than two years, and no make up sex. Not that we didn't fight. We just didn't make up like that. And I'd be really hard pressed to explain why. I'm really hard pressed to understand why. Ah, well. I'll just have to look forward to picking petty little fights with my love.
Laters

And then all was right with the world. And my love loves me. And I love my love. And even though I'm all druggy, he still loves me. He mocks me. But he loves me.
And all is right with MY world.
Laters

Why do they play children's movies at two o'clock in the morning?
Amethyst was so cute tonight. I was giving her a bath-well, a shower-and singing "this is the way we wash the baby/this is the way we rinse the baby". And she grabbed the shower head out of my hand and sang "this is the way we get the mommy wet" and doused the entire bathroom. How could any parent be angry at something like that?
Laters

I have about a hundred thousand thoughts going on in my head right now. And I need to work through them because DAMN, they're giving me a headache.
So first-I didn't take my medicine last night. I just wanted to go to sleep and not think anymore. So of course, I woke up in agony. Great beginning to the day.
Okay...Blonde came over last night. I'd IMed him because his status said that he was depressed and I wanted to see if he needed to talk about anything. Then he came over-even though I told him not to. And he just wouldn't quit. It was incredibly difficult to explain to him that I didn't want to be with him, I only wanted to be with my love. But I was able to convince him and he left without us really doing anything. And then I had a horrible conversation with my love and wanted to be all bitter and vindictive and call Blonde over again. But I didn't, and I won't. I think these things, all sorts of horrible things I can do to people, but I never do them.
Magenta's been trying to call, but I was out-all day yesterday with Slate and then with just Amethyst. She wants to know what's up with me and I just don't have the words-not really even for myself.
Stormy's having an EXCELLENT Valentine's Day-her husband even got her a full carrat diamond necklace. AND they dressed all up and are having a night out on the town. I'm so happy for her. And she's just giddy. She's cute.
It's raining here. A dreary, gloomy day. Which suits my mood, but not the day. *sigh*
And my love...I don't even know what to say about it. I don't know what to fucking THINK. I made the horrible mistake of wanting him to call me, just to hear his voice, just to let him hear me tell him I love him. And just fifteen seconds would have sufficed for me. Of course, I would have wanted more-I ALWAYS want more-but I would've been better than phenomenally happy just for that. But he couldn't or wouldn't do that. Is it crazy to want to be with the man I love on a day that was CREATED to celebrate love? He told me that he wanted to send me flowers. Roses, of course. But he didnt, even though he has my address. And he won't even tell me what COUNTRY he's in. Do I want to know? Of course! But do I need to? No-just knowing that he exists somewhere in creation is good enough for me. He could be emailing from the moon for all I care. So what's the problem? The problem is that he's been hurt before. And he doesn't trust me. He doesn't even really believe that I love him. He's afraid to really believe that he loves me. He is my everything. I've given him my everything-everything that I am, that I want, that I love. Everything that I have been or could be. He has it all. And yet, he's afraid to give me even his voice. Even today. Although by now it's no longer V Day where he is. And it's something I have to accept-because I can't give up on this. I could never turn my back on the kind of love I have with him. I've never found it before, never thought I could. It's not the kind of thing that comes along more than once in a lifetime. So I have to accept it. And what's go goddamned fucking FRUSTRATING is that I don't understand it. I know that he's been hurt. And I wish that I could take that away from him-after all, if there's anything my life has proven, it's that I'm more capable of suffering than anyone else alive. But I've been hurt too. It nearly killed me as it nearly killed him. That part I understand, that part I get. I can even get that he's reluctant to try again. What I DON'T get is that it's ME. It's US. What we have is more and better than anything either of us have experienced before. What I don't get is that I'M NOT HER. But I might as well be. I want to just send him my phone number, and hope that he'll call. Even deliberately not get online tonight to meet him, so it's either call or nothing. I want to FORCE him to be brave, to trust me, to love me, to be with me even in that simple, little way. I want to shake him and hit him over the head with the message that I am a completely different person than she who hurt him. But I can't, and my heart hurts for lack of him. For not being able to tell him because even if I did, he wouldn't believe. Maybe even couldn't believe. And I know that even if I did that, even if he had that number and I wasn't there on the other end of the computer...he still wouldn't call. And that would kill me. So I won't. So I take this at his (nearly nonexistent) pace. Even though I want nothing more than him, forever. Even though I want to rush into this, be swept up by it and lost in it and taken away by it. I just have to accept that I might HAVE to wait until the end of the world for him. And hope that he loves me enough not to make me. I love him. It's all I can do.
Laters

Oh, yeah. Happy fucking V-Day.
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I should have known better than to be happy this morning. And I wasn't JUST happy, I was...giddy. I was dancing around the house singing "I feel pretty". And then my fucking life has to intrude on my temporary little bubble of even being okay.
I'm going to go take about a million drugs and fall asleep. At this point I don't even want to dream.
Laters

Ya know what I love about my child? Other than that she's my child and she's awesome, I mean. It's that she loves doing the stuff that most kids avoid at all costs. Cleaning up after herself, brushing her teeth, helping with the dishes, taking baths, eating her vegetables. She's the most amazing kid EVER. And that's not just because I'm biased. It's because she's great. Even if she is the antichrist.
Laters

It's already Valentine's Day where my love is. I certainly hope he's enjoying it. And thinking of nothing but me. I made him go to a party last night instead of talking to me all night. He promised that he wouldn't have fun, and that he would only dance with his best friend the whole time. Which I think is funny. I'm all about him dancing with other chics-and then breaking their hearts when he tells them he's taken. I'm so so so amused by men. Short little anecdote: when Stormy's man was so far away-but, I'd like to point out not as far away as MY boyfriend-he had the opportunity to go to a strip club with his friends. He didn't go. And he was so proud of himself. And Stormy was all proud of him, too. Me? I don't care. I've even gone to strip clubs with boyfriends before-and encouraged them to go by themselves. I understand about men needing that visual stimulation. And I'm SO not the jealous type. I'm even like ANTIjealous. The thing that matters is that at the end of the day, he loves ME. He's online, talking to me, thinking of me, and just being with me. And I know that. And I'm the best girlfriend EVER. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.
Laters

I had a dream. We were lying together. In bed. He was on my right side, I on his left. I had my left arm kinda half stretched up above my head and he had his left arm across me, holding my hand. It was beautiful. Then I started kissing him. His wrist, initially, then just brushing my lips down his arm. And while I was doing that, he took his other hand and swept my hair back away from my ear, kissing the soft spot right below the lobe. And just as I turned to kiss him, I woke up. Never having seen him. It was much more than pleasant. It was perfect. I could make love to him just by holding his hand. I love him.
Laters

I'm unusually sad today. I don't know why. I think it has at least something to do with that Slate is in uber cleaning mode and he's usually pissy at me when he gets that way. That and my love is so far away. I mean, it's already one in the afternoon TOMORROW where he is. And there's another thing. I'm feeling VERY physical lately. I know why, it's because I want to be with my love. But...I keep having these dreams in which I allow myself to be physical with someone else. I desperately need physical attention, I crave it, it's somehow NECESSARY for me. But I don't want that with ANYone other than my love. Plum was supposed to come over last night. And even though we're just friends and all that...I was relieved when he said he couldn't make it. I need to get out of this mode before I can be around any other man. Not because I think I would do anything. But I'm afraid I would. I'm very weak. And also...well, ever since Thanksgiving, it's like I can't say no. Because if I DO say no and they keep going anyway, I'm right back there. I'm AFRAID to say no. I hate this feeling of...of being the fucking victim. I want to be strong and hold my head up high and all that. I want to be this strong, independent woman that so many people see me as. But I'm not. And I don't know how to be.
I have to go read an email now. Before I start to cry.
Laters

I can't think about anything anymore. Here I am faced with this decision-finally go out and make it on my own, or go back to an awful situation, lose my kid and get the bloody hell beat out of me. Neither of which is particularly appealing to me. But I don't care. Or rather, I do care, but it doesn't matter. It's like my life is all of a sudden composed of these layers. At the top layer is him. Only him. The only thing that matters. This decision hanging over my head is on the second layer. Everything else is progressively lower. But everything from level two on down doesn't matter, almost like I don't care about it. Or that it's a moot point whether or not I care about it because as long as he loves me everything else will work itself out. I even believe that. Oh, I love him. DAMN, I love him. I'm so glad there's no cure for this disease-I plan to be afflicted forever.
Laters

I was starting to feel a little sad today. Despondent, even. Why? I think too much. I've been thinking about how ugly I've been feeling. Just sometimes we chics have ugly days, ya know? And then I went to go get a shower, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. In my usual outfit-jeans and a bra-hair slightly disheveled, and amazingly smiling. And I just stared for a minute or two. I looked GOOD. Pretty, gorgeous, fucking BEAUTIFUL. So SCREW those bastards at the picture rating website-giving me an average of less than five. I AM beautiful.
Laters

"Just when you think you've learned your lesson and swear to watch your step, a single moment offguard will pop up and hope springs high as ever."
I thought it wouldn't be possible for me to fall in love again. And I thought that even if I could, I shouldn't-I've been hurt so badly. And now this. And I'm looking back to the past with wonder-wondering how I could have ever thought that to be love, now that I know what love is. I'm in love-and I want to shout it from the tallest mountain in the world, let everyone know this feeling is POSSIBLE, even for someone like me. It's all I can think about. I've been having the most pleasant dreams...
And now I'm going to go have some more.
Laters

"And every single hope and dream I could ever conjure up
Passionately springs in me and all things are possible
Plausible and perfectly both of ours forever after and every day
At least it seems that way
Once in such a beautiful while that just makes me smile"
Anything IS possible. I feel like I could fly. I KNOW I could, were he with me. We'd fly over Paris, hover over Rome, buzz Athens..I'm so sappy. But that happens when you're in love.
Laters

"It is a time of great uncertainty and a little bit of excitement. New doors are opening and somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
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I went back and did something I NEVER do. I deleted a TON of old email-including some from Royal, my knight, Chestnut, and others. Without even rereading any of it. I had to-my inbox was getting too full and I have to have room for messages from my love. That and I need to let go of things, instead of hanging on to them forever-which is my usual way. It's difficult to let go of the past when the future is so fragile, and even the present is uncertain. Difficult for me, at any rate. But it's also...liberating. It's like now I'm free to give him my whole heart, having reclaimed pieces of it from the past. I like this feeling. This sense of giving him my everything without reservation. With fear-my heart is a fragile thing-but also with trust. I trust that he won't break me. And I want him to believe me that I love him and trust me that I won't break him either. I think he's just as sared-if not more-as I am. And I love that about him, too.
And now I have to take my little antichrist out birthday shopping.
Laters

I realized something today. I've lost the conversation with my knight in which he proposed. Stupid me, didn't check the settings and all that. Which sucks, on the one hand. But on the other...I'm kind of relieved. Now I CAN'T go back and pine away, reading the past and reliving it. I tend to hang on to things too long. It is my nature. But I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I do only have my experiences to draw from when starting anything new. The things that happened...the things I did wrong. The things he did wrong-Ruby, I mean. The things we did wrong together. But also the things that were right. And the way in which they turned sour. I'm so afraid that things will go that way again. I want to rush into this thing, make it complete before it can become too real. So that when it does get real-and flawed-we are committed to the us, we have that motivation to work through it. I fucked up so badly last time-worse than badly, I was horrible, horid, revolting, evil. Which is not to say that it was all my fault. But I own my share of the blame. Will I return to my evil ways? I don't want to. I actively want NOT to. I don't know how to be the person I want to be. I don't know how to be the person I want to be for him. I don't know how NOT to be the person I don't want to be, the person I'm afraid I've become. But on the other hand-and isn't there ALWAYS another hand?-I want him to be comfortable with all this, to be sure, to trust me and to love me as I do him. And all that takes time. Time I'm willing to commit. Impatient as I am, I'd wait til the end of the world for him. And hang around afterwards, should that not be long enough. I'm drunk on this, intoxicated by it.
I'M IN LOVE!!!
Laters

I love my child. I love the way she snuggles up to me in her sleep. I love the way she pulls the blankets up around me and gives me a kiss and tells me it's time for my nap. I love putting my arm around he while she sleeps and feeling her heart beat through her chest. I love the way she talks about everything incessantly. I love the way she sings along with her favourite songs and says the lines with her favourite movies. I love the way she cries when she does something wrong-without me ever yelling at her. I love the way she apologizes for weeks afterward. I love the way she talks about things that happened months or even an entire year ago, refering to everything as 'yesterday'. I love the way she says 'disgusting' instead of 'gross', 'irritable' instead of 'mad', 'aplogize' instead of 'sorry', 'terrified' instead of 'scared'. My child...my little antichrist. She's amazing.
Laters

"Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love..."
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Men are so...distracting. One in particular. And then he accuses me of neglecting my blog. Because I'm spending every waking moment-and most of the sleeping ones-on him. So ppttthhhppp!
I'm loopy drugged and going to bed.
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I seem to be neglecting my blog. Hell, I am neglecting it. Now all my online time is spent on him. I can't help myself, I'm intoxicated by him. I'm drunk with wanting him. And he's so far away. Further than he thinks, even. *sigh*I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to think or even feel. I don't know if what I am feeling is real. It's so intense, though. So overwhelming. So...more than real.
On another note, Amethyst and I have to go shopping tomorrow. Figure out what she wants for her birthday. Other than a trampoline and some power wheels and sunglasses, that is. She's SO getting spoiled. I just love her.
Laters

I've got a million and one thoughts roaming around my head this evening. Morning. Whatever. But I'm way too loopy to express them at all, much less in the eloquent and self assured fashion I'm sure you're all used to. So good night and get over it. I'll try again tomorrow.
Laters

So I went to the doctor today. But first I took Amethyst to the park. It was a perfect day for it, and I mean perfect. The breeze was gentle and soothing, the sun wasn't too warm. It started to rain, but not a downpour, just a sprinkling, a cleansing of the world. Amethyst and I just DANCED in it. She's the most phenomenal child ever born. Even if she is the antichrist.
Oh, and the doctor maintained that my official diagnosis is "wow, that's weird". And gave me more loopy drugs. WooHoo! I hate drugs. Ever since I drank an entire bottle of Tylenol when I was four and practically had to have my stomach pumped. And now I"m on...what, like five? Birth control, happy pills, calcium supplements, two kinds of loopy pills...yeah, five. WTF? Stupid doctors.
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I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn. To take Slate to drop off his car, take him to school, go to my doctor's appointment-finally called today about this pain-take Amethyst out to lunch, pick up Slate, take him back to his car and hopefully take Amethyst to the zoo. Depending. I like having busy days. But they always come when I don't sleep. Dammit.
So I'mma go shower and go to bed.
Laters

"Take a look; here I am. Can't you see? One simple smile from you could set me free. So if you take a look, let your heart be your guide, I'll show you love if you take a look at the girl inside."
I had a dream last night. You know how in movies when they do a flashback to the past they do this thing with the colour that's not REALLY colour, but somehow almost colour? That's what it was like. Everything a sort of almost colour-and we were maybe in the sky or walking on clouds or something vague and not really a place. And there were these...people there. Guys, actually. All the men who'd ever meant something to me. My father, Ruby Red, my knight, Chestnut even, Caramel, Chocolate-whom I know I haven't actually mentioned yet (if I ever will), this guy I sort of kind of almost dated the last time I was going to school when I was living with Stormy, the guy(s) who might've gotten me pregnant...they were all there. And one at a time they smiled at me and turned and walked away. Through a door that had appeared as they'd lined up. Some of them did more than smile, kissed my hand, touched my face, carressed my hair...each did what was appropriate according to what he'd meant to me. And still walked away, deliberately turned his back and purposely walked through the door. When the last one was gone, the door shut, and even the almost colour faded away to black and white and grainy gray-like in old movies. And I sat alone, lost and confused, almost crying, looking around me dazed and wondering how I'd gotten to that point. Then there was a knock on the door. I looked up, sure I'd imagined it. I wiped my face and stared, hoping the knock would sound again. Just as I'd given up, it did. I walked towards the door, turned the knob...and there was nothing on the other side. Not darkness, not another room, not anything. I was afraid to look through the door, some great foreboding had come upon me. And a hand appeared, reaching for me, inviting me to trust. Excited, scared, terrified, exilhirated, I took the hand, stepped through the door. There he was, one hand holding mine, other hand holding the most gorgeous roses I've ever seen. And the world he'd drawn me into...I never knew there could be such SPLENDOR, so many colours, such an amazing presence of environment. I looked into his eyes and he smiled. The most perfect smile any man has ever smiled, so full of kindness, intelligence, and even love. Holding onto each other, knowing we'd never let go, we set off to explore this world created just for us.
It was an amazing dream.
Laters

I can't wait to go to sleep, so that I can dream about him. But when I lay down, he's all I can think about and I can't sleep for how active my mind is, how much it wants to stay on him. I can't hug him or kiss him. I can't look him in the eyes and tell him what's in my heart. He can't see the way I smile when I hear from him, the way my eyes just shine, the way I sit up straighter and breathe easier. I see the words, black and white on the screen, and I can't hold them. I can't hold him while I cry because of the way he's voicing the thoughts I've not even thunk, only felt in my soul.
Time heals all? Time is the illness, the distance stretching between us, the obstacle we must defeat, the challenge we have no choice but to face. The time between the then and now is but a fleeting instant, a photagrapher's flash of the past. The time between the now and when is an eternity, a film set to tape as the flower of the present slowly-so slowly-blossoms into the future.
Wow, I'm...poetic tonight.
Laters

Slate went out to get laid. Again. As long as it doesn't bother him, s'all good with me. But the bastard took the movie with him, the one we were supposed to watch together. The punk.
Amethyst is an amazing child. Funny, too. I had to turn on a light next to her room and she covered her face with her blanket in her sleep. I don't know what it is about her, but I love her. And every day-even the days she frustrates the hell out of me to the point that I'm considering ritualistic slaughter and child sacrifice-I notice something else just awesome about her. I feel horrible for being so mad at her the last couple of days. She just wants my attention-but she wants all of it, all the time. And I feel guilty for wanting some me time every now and then, even though I know it's natural for me to feel that way. She's still such a happy child, and she loves me.
As for me, what am I dealing with tonight? I'm almost actively female. Which means I'm hormonal and weird, but I'm not even a hundredth as bad as Stormy. She turns into a flippin' PSYCHO, man. I know, I lived with her last year. And did my best to avoid her at that point every month. Anyway, what it means for me is that my oral fixation is INCREDIBLY intense. I desperately want to make out with someone right now, to kiss and be kissed...but there's only one person I want that with. And I don't even have a clue as to where that person is. So I'll just have to enjoy my guilty little secret tonight.
Laters

I've thus far believed that if fate or god or even any mysterious cosmic force existed that it was out to get me. And then this amazing thing happens, this thing I only barely admitted to myself that I might have been wanting, hoping for, craving. Is it fate? Who knows? But if it's not, it's one bloody big HELL of a coincidence.
Laters

I'm going to bed. But I'll probably watch my movie first. Hehehe. I know I'm a dork. I like me that way. You should, too.
Laters

In a relationship-and let's just say (for the sake of arguement) that one of these days I will be in a relationship...oh, where was I? Oh, yeah. Anyway, let's say that this relationship is for whatever reason having problems. All relationships do, so this is pretty safe to assume. And let's also say that at the point where these problems seem like they might just overwhelm the relationship, all of a sudden this couple is thrown into a traumatic and dangerous and cataclysmic experience that for whatever reason they must endure together. Now, this is all hypothetical of course. But at this point is the relationship going to survive? On the one hand, trauma brings people closer together. But once the trauma is over, will it just go back to the problems? Or perhaps this trauma has awakened both participants to life, and they realize again why they were together. Surviving something together certainly makes a bond between two people. But does it create a false bond, or strengthen the real one? And would a relationship based on such a trauma-or not even based on, but perhaps started by-last? Because it's easy to forget once the trauma is over.
Ya know what? Damn, I think too much.
Laters

"What'll she look like when she
opens her eyes and sees what she wants to see
instead of this cold mirror's lies and all the pieces complete
she says with a sigh 'I think I'm ready...'
What'll she sound like when she
opens her mouth and all the phrases sound right
as they fall out and she says 'yes' and she's not
scared of the sound she says she's ready"
That was written for me. And not just for me, but for me RIGHT NOW. Almost as if he looked into my life and put it into these words that somehow make sense-when I'm more than confused. I downloaded this music all morning-I even made a CD of it for when I drive. It's fascinating and captivating and just...makes me want to be that girl behind the surface of the mirror. I can't get enough of it. I've never really admitted to anyone what kind of effect music can and does have on me. Not even Ruby Red, after nearly three years. Stormy might know-she probably does-but I've never come out and told her. Maybe I'm incredibly gullible or just easily susceptible to suggestion, but you can put me in almost any mood with the right music. Probably not even almost.
On this journey of self exploration (and bear with me here, it does tie back to the main point-I think) at least I'm more self aware than most. I know THAT I put this facade up for the world to see. I even know WHY, or at least have a really good idea. So at that point you'd think it would be easy to cast the facade aside and live as who I am, even allow others to know who I am. It's not. But at least I think I'm ready to try.
Laters

So what the hell? I mean, does the whole world think Americans are ignorant slobs? Or are we just moronic assholes? Can we not even fucking READ? I only mention this because one of my favourite movies-that just happens to NOT be in English-came on TV this week. And since most of my stuff (including my movies) is scattered across the whole flippin' country, I thought I'd check it out. And the damned thing was dubbed. *growl* And not only dubbed, but also full screen. The rest of America can go take a flying leap if they can't take the effort to even read the screen (not to mention handle the little black bars at the top and bottom of the screen-which *gasp* make it possible to SEE all the action). As for me, I have Taste. And, yes, that's Taste with a capital T.
Laters

Okay, what am I thinking about? God. God and suffering. Does god CAUSE suffering or simply allow it? The idea of Job and the torture god put him through-and all just so god can glorify himself-suggests god causes the suffering. Because if you suffer and still love god, god is...what? An asshole? But even if god only ALLOWS the suffering, allows these people he supposedly loves to be horribly, horribly in pain, what-again-does that say? It's just simpler not to think about it, to let god exist or not independent of me. (Although every now and then part of me wishes I could believe. Leftovers from my upbringing, I suppose.)
Laters

I wish I could help Stormy, do ANYthing for her. But she's thousands of miles and an ocean away, and I'm here helpless. I want to take her sorrow and give her my happiness. I wish I could do any damned thing. In the past year she's moved three times, gotten married, been pregnant, *not* been pregnant, lived-still does-with six hundred and twenty seven men, had her sister move halfway across the earth, lost her medical insurance-and therefor her antianxiety and antidepression medication, and basically changed her entire life. She's so flippin' stressed, it's amazing she's still able to breath. I want to take it away, all the pain she's ever been through. I would suffer a million times that to have prevented her from suffering even a millionth of it. I love her SO much. I hate feeling so fucking useless.
Laters

And now that I remember that I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn, I'm going to bed.
Laters

I couldn't help it. I didn't really do it on purpose. But not exactly on accident either. It's just...well, with my sister I can't hide anything. And it's not like I was HIDING anything, just keeping it to myself for a while. But she knows when I'm deliberately not telling her something and she has ways of getting it out of me. I mean, I wanted to tell her. But I liked having a secret, something that belonged only to me, even if for only a short while. But now it's real, and although I like it being that way, now I have to deal with sharing it. With having Stormy's opinion of it in my head as well as my own. Not that her opinion is in any way negative, it's just that she...well, even though she understands better than anyone else I could TELL about it, she's not IN it, it's not something she can KNOW. Ah, well. Now I have no secrets. (But I still have my dream.)
*sigh* I just KNOW that I'm going to get a phone call from Magenta tomorrow asking what the hell this is all about. So before then I get to decide whether or not I'm going to tell her. MwaaHaaHaa!
Oh, I'm in a good mood. Except for the damned excruciating pain I'm in that's not really allowing me to even barely move, that is. Driving first thing in the morning is gonna be fun.
Laters

"We've just been introduced. I do not know you well. But when the music started something drew me to you side...Shall we dance? On a bright cloud of music shall we fly? Shall we dance? Shall we then say goodnight and mean goodbye? Or perchance, when the last little star has left the sky, shall we still be together with our arms around each other and shall you be my new romance? On the clear understanding that this kind of thing can happen, shall we dance? Shall we dance? Shall we dance?"
I dreamt we were alone together, walking along some beach somewhere. We were holding hands and having the most...phenomenal conversations. The exact kinds of conversations I always knew we'd have. It must have been sunset-or perhaps sunrise and we'd just spent the entire night together. Either way, the sky was lit up in the most amazing colours. I've never seen a sunset like it, nor a sunrise. We both noticed and stood in awe as the entire world put on a show just for us. And it WAS a show, the colours singing straight into the middle of us, our hearts and heads. Then the world started turning again the way it has to, the way it does for everyone else. And we looked into each other's eyes and almost kissed...then we laughed and ran further along the beach never letting go of each other.
WAS it a dream? Or perhaps a wish or a fantasy? Maybe even a daydream? I can SEE it, though, in my head, see the perfection of it, the beauty and PERFORMANCE. It's a beautiful dream.
"What I crave is the darkness made by enfolding arms, the silence which is not solitude but compassion holding its breath."
Laters

I don't know why. But I DO get offended when people mention god. No, that's not it. I get offended when they say they're going to pray for me or try to tell me about god as if I've never heard of jesus. Like the only reason I could POSSIBLY not be christian is because I've been living under a rock for the past ...oh, my entire life. Please! I'm not christian because of WAY too many reasons. Not the least of which are the "look how christian I am" christians. The people who are truly awful people, but they do "good deeds"-and not because they want to, out of the goodness of their hearts. Because for the most part there is no goodness in their hearts. They do it out of either a) fear of hell, or b) to glorify themselves so that when they look in the mirror they don't cringe like they should. And their deeds are not that great anyway. AND they do them with obvious contempt. I just think it's incredibly WRONG that I'm more christian than most christians and I think I'm god. And by 'christian' I mean loving and caring and forgiving-the things christ actually taught, not this "hate the uninitiated" diatribe most organized religions try to cram down the throats of the masses. So I guess the long and short of it is-if you feel you have to pray for me, be my guest. But don't tell me about it. Because I don't care. And I don't need it. And god's busy enough ignoring your prayers for yourself without the added irritation of whining about me.
Laters

I wanna dye my hair. But Slate thinks I shouldn't. But I wanna dye it pink or blue. Last time it was purple. Well, it had purple in it. And now it's actually a normal colour. How blah. Maybe Stormy can dye it for me when she gets here. In friggin' April. I don't suppose I've ever mentioned I'm not a patient person? Not that my hair looks bad-it doesn't. I just want it to look...different.
Laters

"I want money, lots and lots of money."
It's not the money that I want. It's the going out and doing stuff. I mean, yeah, I could go on another shoplifting spree. But I'd have to take Amethyst and she's got a big mouth. Besides, it's been a while since I've done that. I used to be really good at it. But it's been kinda lame since I turned eighteen and could actually go to jail for it. Dammit. I wanna buy myself something. Shopping always makes me feel better, but the last million times I've gone shopping it's been for others. Not that I'm selfish. Okay, maybe a little selfish. But I want a little selfish time every now and then. Right now the only "me" time I get is in the bathroom-and not always then.
Time to make dinner for the antichrist.
Laters

One more thing about my knight before I drop the subject and hopefully forget about it: I did love him. And someone once told me that love is forever, so he will always have a piece of my heart. As for IN love? I never allowed myself to find out. I don't think I could've handled it if I had. I could fall in love so easily. I have. So why am I alone? Good question. Maybe because I haven't found a man who could love me as readily. Or as fully. And maybe one day I will.
And that's what I've been thinking while not really watching my movie. And I just thought I'd share.
Laters

I couldn't imagine being the parent of a serial killer. What does that say about them? Then again, the way my parents see it, I might as well be a serial killer. Because I'm evil. Like the froo-its of the dev-eel. I'm not, but I may as well be. Ah, well. I still love them. And one day I'll actually speak to them again. Okay, I speak to them now, but rarely and only about the inane. Whatever. I fucking FUCKING hurt. So I'mma go lay down and watch my movie again.
Laters

Okay, I've taken enough drugs today to kill a small horse. And I'm still fucking hurting. So I suppose I'll have to go to the damned doctor to get some better pills. I hate drugs. Goddammit.
Laters

I need a boyfriend. And I know I say that a lot, but tonight I need one to rub the lotion into my back at the places I simply cannot reach. I'm all about nonsexual physical touch. And lotion is a great excuse to get it...hehehe.
Laters

I would pray. For a miracle, for help, for a hint of anything real. But I cannot. Because if there is something out there-and I don't really think there is-then the only reason I'd be praying would be to ask for a favour. And since I'm not even a believer, I think it would be selfish and wrong to impose upon this being that's probably incredibly busy ignoring every one else's prayers. Besides, if there is a divine, I think I hate it. Not on my behalf, because my life has turned out-so far-better than I think I deserve (except for that one missing and craved for element, but still). But on behalf of Stormy. Because she's got the piece I'm missing, and I've got the piece she's missing. And I want to give it to her, that piece. If only it were possible. And sometimes I think it is, almost. I would do anything for her. Anything. If only I could.
Laters

Another thought-even though I'm plagarizing myself:
Whatever happened to my knight? I wish I knew. Sometimes I think it was a dream, even an hallucination. I think I may have made more of it than was actually there, that I forged a connection that didn't exist. I remember the facts, the details even, and I know that it wasn't just me. I could go back and reread our conversations to perhaps prove it to myself, the reality of it. But I won't. Because I already know and reliving it in that much detail would only hurt my heart. Now it's easier to pretend that I made it up, that maybe it WAS just me and he wasn't the one who "proposed" on the moon. Because for whatever reason he has made the choice not to be with me, not to have anything to do with me. And even though I could track him down-I know his full name and the city where he lives and even some hints as to where he goes to school, etc.-again, I won't. He's made his choice, and I have to respect that, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much it fucking sucks. I have to file it away in my heart, to bury it under all the other layers of pain, and ignore it. I have to realize that I've never met him and now never will. And it's easier to do because of that. It's easier to ignore. So I try not to think about it. Kinda try to get into a zen mode of 'there is no knight, there never was a knight'. And I can do it. It's not like he crushed my heart. Just borrowed it for a short-too short-time.
Laters

Have you ever wanted to do something stupid and spontaneous? Like marry someone you just met? Or something less dangerous like skydiving or bungee jumping? I suppose it's a good thing about Slate and I-I can't do the former. But I would. It's not like I exactly have a life, and what I do have I'd give up for that, for love, for marriage. I'd go anywhere-hell, I've lived all over, and it doesn't matter to me where I end up living. I could have been the perfect woman; I still could be. There's just a missing piece, and I like to believe that it could possibly be a man.
Laters

Ya know, come to think of it, Chestnut will not be able to send me roses for Valentine's day. He knows where I live, but not my address. Dammit.
Laters

Oh, and I was making Amethyst clean her room earlier today and she said that stepping on things-namely the toys SHE had scattered all over-made her "irritable". Do you know how awesome/amusing/cute it is to hear that word from a three year old's mouth? And not just repeating it, but using it appropriately. I just love it. I just love her. Damn, my kid's awesome.
Laters

Well, fuck a duck. Stone-who hasn't had any contact with my since before christmas-IMed me just now. The last time I talked to him he asked for a blow job-him and the friend he was drinking with. I don't really have anything to say to him. Well, other than that he owes me big time. So I'mma make him take me out whenever he has a day off. And if Slate's working, he'll have to take Amethyst out, too. So there. Anyway, I don't want to get into the rest of it, especially because I'm irritable at him.
Laters

I've always been a very physical person. Touchy/feely I mean. And for as long as I can remember I've accepted the substitute of sex for actual human interaction, any real connection. I don't have the attitude that Magenta has, that I need to have sex with men to make them like me and that they won't like me unless I have sex with them. But I do have the attitude that it doesn't matter if they like me, as long as they'll fuck me. Which is why I went a year without sex, to see if I could get rid of that attitude. Instead I made it worse. Stormy says there's no reason to ignore my 'biological needs', as long as I'm responsible about it. Which, in general I am. I DID have unprotected sex with Blonde, but I trusted him-he said he'd been tested every three months-and I'm on birth control. But other than that-and Thanksgiving-I'm very all about protection and being safe. Anyway, I'm sick of it. Not sex, because I REALLY like sex. But I'm sick of creating a connection that doesn't exist. I'm sick of accepting the imitation when all I crave is the reality. When I DESERVE the reality. So I'm done. I'm taking myself out of the personals. And except for helping Plum, I'mma wait until...until when or I'll remain celibate. I don't really have much hope for myself that I'll be able to do this. But I did it before, for an entire year. Maybe it's possible for me to do again. Only longer. Unless...yeah, right unless. More and more with the wishful thinking. Ah, well. It's my obsession.
Laters