So I'm completely freaky tonight. I can't sleep without talking to my love. Hell, I can't function or even BREATHE without him. And he's still not there. STILL. I can't handle this! I can't go a whole NIGHT without talking to him? How would I sleep? And then having to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow...dammit, I NEED him! To get to a damned computer! Or to call me if he can't! ANYthing! I need it, I need HIM! I've got to...I've got to go do stuff. Anything. Just stuff that reminds me of him.
Laters

I wonder how many people find me fascinating and how many find me irritating? And perhaps how many are apathetic or even ignorant of my existence at all? Is not a question that can be answered. But it IS a question asked for a purpose-I need external validation. I want people to tell me how wonderful I am. Strangers, even, people I've never met. I want them to tell me how amazing they think I am, how I inspire and entrance them. But I'll just settle for nobody telling me how much I suck.
Laters

You know what REALLY sucks? Is that both my love and I have been celibate for TOO long. Sure, he's got lotion and I've got toys, but it's REALLY not the same. I need the physical attention, the sense of someone WITH me. So does he. The REAL problem comes in when we TALK about it, TELL each other what we want-or even that we want it. *sigh* Dammit! I need to be touched and held and kissed and...well, and all the other stuff that goes along with it. Mostly I want the physical contact, the reassurance that we're real to each other. Of course, the sex would be great, too...
I should stop thinking about it. And I should DEFINITELY stop rambling about it.
Laters

I'm lonely. I don't do well with alone. And now I'm moving to a strange town-well, almost strange, I lived there about eleven years ago-to an apartment all by myself, where I will be solely responsible for Amethyst. I'm petrified. I don't think I can do it. But maybe just in doing it I'll prove to myself it can be done. Or some crazy shit like that. Regardless, I don't WANT to do it.
Laters

Oh, and I woke up to find all the sheets off the bed and lubricant on the floor. I mean, I know that Slate is a manwhore, but damn, I don't want to KNOW. Ya know? Eeeewwwww.
Laters

Amethyst. Ah, my beautiful daughter. When I was three months pregnant, I met Ruby. And I was with him for nearly three years. Amethyst called him 'daddy'. When I moved in with my sister it was "I don't have a daddy, just (Stormy)." And last night...well, last night I had a little talk with her. I asked her if she'd like a daddy so that she could have a little brother and/or sister. And she said, "Hmmm, let me think what daddy I want. How about...(my love)." All on her own. And here I was, worried about how to broach the subject with her. And she brings it up all by herself. It's so sweet...but also incredibly scary. She's lost eveyone who ever meant anything to her-Ruby and his entire family, my parents, all the people who cared for her when I was living with Stormy, Stormy (even though they're still close, Stormy's pretty far away). Obviously, I have, too. Lost everyone, I mean. But...well, I'm used to it and I can handle it. I mean, I don't like it, but...at any rate. I don't want her to have to go through her life like that. I want to protect her from all that pain, everything bad that could possibly happen to her, anything that could in any way hurt her. I am in love with this man. So if anything happens between us I would die. But I would JUST die. I couldn't stand for Amethyst to lose anyone else, it would crush her. But on the other hand, in my heart she's already OUR daughter. Which is weird and exciting and terrifying all at once. I'm not used to sharing her. But I like it.
Laters

Real life is not as easy as fiction. Fiction has to make sense-there have to be clear cut reasons for wrongdoing and solid definitions of good and bad: bad guys hurt people, good guys help people. But in real life the morality is more...clouded. There are men who may be good at heart but who do bad things-and men who may be rotten inside who occassionally perform acts of kindness. And each rationalizes both away. Nobody thinks they're evil; everybody has an excuse for what they do. Which is why we watch movies, why we read books. We want something that makes sense, something we can see and understand the reasons for. Life doesn't provide us that. And so we turn to fiction.
Laters

I talked to my love for like two/three hours and it's STILL not enough. I want more. I NEED more. I don't know why I'm so freaky tonight, but I just NEED him. I HATE that he's in the hospital and on drugs and that he's so far away-too far for me to monopolize him, to just steal him from the rest of the world and find a place where only the two of us exist. And we didn't even get to talk about anything, not really. Just about how freaky I was and how much we loved each other and then about how much he hates Plum. *sigh* I hate this waiting. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just want the rest of my life to start RIGHT NOW. Because I am an impatient, greedy, whiny little bitch.
I'm going to go brush my teeth again and go to bed.
Laters

Okay, screw it. I happen to LIKE the old colours and stuff and maybe if I'm REALLY nice I can con Plum into helping me get that poetry link back up. For now I think you can maybe find it on some of the pages in the archives.
Laters

Okay, it looks like I'm having to change my entire template here. I just hope it gets back to where the archives work. I chose this one because I am an HTML moron and because it has a space on the left for me to add my links, instead of at the top. We'll see how it works out, if I like it, etc. But feel free to contact me with any suggestions.
Laters

I've been SO lonely today. I've just been sitting staring at the walls and thinking that everyone I loved was so far away.
Anyway, I'm going out for a while, get my mind of things-including the fact that my love is IN THE HOSPITAL. *sigh* And he won't tell me why.
Laters

So even though I know I should get more than two hours sleep a night, I can't help but be awed by the portrait god is creating for me this morning. JUST for me. I feel like I'm already in a dream.
Laters

And I forgot to call my doctor again today. Ah, well, I'll take care of it Monday.
And it's time for another review. Yes, yes it is. Today we went with the seven inch multiple speed with the glow in the dark sleeve-the sleeve adding girth but also a realistic feel. The vibe by itself is too smooth to be pleasurable. So okay, this one is not for clitoral stimulation like the other two were. This one is for actually simulating the experience-penetration, I mean. It takes two C batteries, so it's plenty powerful. Now the thing with this is that it's a pain in the ass to grip, nearly impossible to hold on to and there's almost NO WAY you can turn your wrist at an appropriate angle to hit the right spot without doing yourself some serious injury. And it's got the added negative of having something inside you without the weight of a man on top of or beside or even underneath you. So I think that in general, when going solo clitoral stimulation is the way to go. Of course, it CAN be fun having someone ELSE use the others on you...but that's not what this is about. So...yeah. From now on I shall stick with the clitoral stimulation when flying alone. Although I suppose I SHOULD say ONE nice thing about it-I liked feeling the pleasurable pain associated with the penetration. But I most DEFINITELY prefer a man to be providing that. PREFERABLY my love.
Laters

Okay, so I didn't make it to my doctor. But I DID get thirteen/fourteen hours of sleep. Which is good because for the past week I'd only been getting one or two hour catnaps a day. All better now!
And now it's time for another review. This time we're going with the Pulsatron. A description...it's like a little tiny squid thing. It's jellie and it attaches to your finger which is nice because a) it's soft and therefore less likely to cause any friction damage and b) you don't have to worry about holding onto anything. It jacks into its battery pack-and four double As as opposed to the pocket rocket which only uses one. So yeah, first of all, POWER. And this Pulsatron has seven different settings: low, medium, and high simple vibration, pulsing vibration, high and low alternating vibration, low to high back to low vibration, and a kind of pulsing high to low vibration type thing. Now using the simple vibration is great and all, for a quickie. But the pocket rocket is better for that because of the nubs. The best thing about this one is that you can kinda...well, tease yourself with it. Get yourself to the brink and back off several times-which makes it that much more intense when you actually DO get to that point. As a matter of personal opinion, I thouroughly enjoy the way the little 'arms' play around and with the clitoris, making it that much more...well, fun. But again with the drawbacks-mainly that I prefer the weight and strength of a man. Not only prefer, but also crave. Playing with myself is fun and all, and a great relief of tension, but it just makes me want the real thing more.
Anyway, on a side note, my parents have the address to this blog and I wonder if they read it. Probably not anymore if ever. LoL
Laters

Blah.
So in general I think this whole therapy thing is good for me. It's definitely helping me become more self aware. But it's NOT helping that I now get to blame my parents for everything. Well, not everything, but still.
Anyway, I don't wanna think about all that now. What I REALLY need to do is sleep. Since for the past five days or so I've only been grabbing quick little catnaps whenever I've been able to-and that hasn't been often. Five days, maybe twelve hours...and I have to wake up in four hours. For another doctor's appointment. But at least this one isn't for my back. I've been having this problem with my jaw, I can't seem to open my mouth without it popping and hurting. And it's getting worse because I'm yawning all the time for so much lack of sleep.
Anyway, regardless. I'd rather talk to my love.
Laters

I think I'm bipolar. I think my love is, too. Last night we had a converment, tonight we're all lovie...I definitely prefer the lovies.
I was so despondent when I woke up that I just HAD to go shopping. And I got all sorts of hella kewl stuff for me and for Amethyst and for my love. AND I decided which I like better, shopping or kleptoing. I like kleptoing when I have the money to spend. Because when I just klepto stuff, I'm getting it for free. And when I'm shopping, I'm spending money. But when I'm kleptoing INSTEAD of shopping, I'm SAVING money. It works in my head, if not on paper.
Ah, I'm so happy. I'm completely in love. AND I told him my whole theory of marriage and how in my heart he and I are already joined-and he didn't totally freak out. He's even talking about what we'll do when we live together and where we'll put our children. *happy sigh*
Anyway, I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn. And I've got a headache. But I'd rather talk to my love.
Laters

My Dearest Love,
I am in love with you. Should that be torture for you, I apologize. I trust you and I believe you and I love you beyond all reason. And I don't ask for anything in return. I accept when I get nothing in return.
If you want to talk torture, then let's. It's torture for me when you ask me to leave you. It's torture for me when you accuse me of loving you only to hurt you. It's torture for me that you are so convinced I'm going to leave you that you're doing everything in your power to prove yourself right. It's torture for me to love you this intensely, this overwhelmingly and to have you doubt me. It's torture for me to sleep anymore, as I have nothing but nightmares. It's torture for me that the only thing I want, the only thing I've EVER wanted my whole life is denied me. It's torture for me that I can't do anything to help you, that even if I could you wouldn't let me.
And how do I torture you? I refuse to leave you. I insist on loving you. I give you everything I am, everything of ME. I talk to you when you cannot talk to me. I show myself to you when you cannot show yourself to me. I tell you my every secret, my every thought and feeling, my every everything. I don't understand-and yes, I can see how this is torture. But I accept even what I do not understand. I know you, more of you than anyone. And I love you.
I would certainly love to borrow your dictionary sometime, my love. Maybe 'torture' is defined differently in yours.
Regardless, I will continue to torture you in this way. And allow you to continue to torture me as well.
Laters

And you know what else? I was talking to Magenta today, and I realized something. I didn't get my thing to prove to my love that I love him. I'm not going to deny that it wasn't at all a factor, of course it entered my mind. But I did what I did because regardless of whether he is who he professes to be, my feelings for him are genuine. They're MINE, they're real, and I believe in them. Yep, that's what I have to say.
Laters

All of a sudden, I'm having an incredibly stupid moment. As in, I'm feeling more than particularly stupid for more than a few reasons. I have faith, yes. And I can have faith in god because he's not really got any way to prove himself. Herself/itself/whatever. Or, rather, I realize that I am insignificant enough in god's eyes to not need knowledge. That I can handle, that I can even understand. But it IS within my love's power to prove HIMself-and I KNOW I'm not insignificant to him. Because I have faith in him. But...just to say 'hi' on the phone. Or send me a picture or get a webcam or any fucking thing whatsoever. I do not understand. At all. I especially do not understand at this point; I especially do not understand last night. I HATE feeling like this! I'm...I don't even KNOW! I'm almost angry. Except not, not really. Dammit, I'm so confused. I'm lost without him. And whenever he needs me, in whatever way, I'm there for him. Always. I LIKE being there for him, I will ALWAYS be there for him. I love him. I love him SO much! I'm like a giddy teenager around him. I even-yes, embarrassingly enough-sign my name as Mrs My Love. I've got pages of it-with little hearts and initials and all sorts of incredibly sappy stuff. I only need him to be REAL. In only a small way. A voice on the other end of the line. I spent all but the rest of my cash to get a phone card to call him-and he didn't say a word. When will he be real? I NEED him. And I'm just...I can't help but wonder if he just doesn't care. Especially with Stormy and all her crazy shit in my head all the time. Maybe I should just stop talking to her. I still haven't told her my secret. Mostly because she'd reach through the phone and kill me, but still. I don't understand. I don't, and I'm sorry for that, but I still just don't. And I feel guilty for even wanting to be irritable about it, because I love so intensely. Dammit, all this shit is running around in my head and I haven't slept and I've got a headache and I'm sore...fucking fractures, stupid doctors, damned contemptible life. Fucking, stupid, damned contemptible me.
Laters

Why am I living this old cliche? The girl wants more than the guy is ready for, the guy is resistent to commitment of any kind. The guy gets pissed at being pushed, the girl gets pissed at waiting. *sigh* I suppose the deities DID hear me. And DO have it in for me, and ARE causing me to suffer. Fine. Bring it on. I still love, I still trust. I still have faith in myself and my love and our love. Maybe I'm just being naive, but I'm more than willing to take that risk. I have to. I love him.
Laters

He's okay. He STILL wouldn't say anything when I called, but he's alive. WHY won't he talk to me? After TODAY, especially! I know I'm just being a whiny little demanding greedy bitch, but this whole thing just doesn't make SENSE to me. He's heard me, seen me, got pictures of me and Amethyst...at what point does this stop just not making sense and start being eerie? Creepy, even. I trust so much and I love so much. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on. I wish he'd tell me anything. He's SO secretive, and I can't even keep ONE secret. *sigh*
I'm just...frustrated. We'll get through this.
Laters

I slept so poorly last night. I was just too worried about my love, and I kept having nightmares about him dying, and about his ghost coming to beg me not to forget him. So I'm just not going to sleep tonight. I've got a number, and I went out earlier to get a long distance card. So I'm just going to keep trying to call all night and if he doesn't answer, I'll just have to continue to worry. But I'm not sleeping. I couldn't stand those dreams, not again, not after the ones that have been keeping me up night after night since Thanksgiving.
I don't know what to think. I've got him in my heart and he's all I'm thinking about. But Stormy's words keep echoing in my brain, and I can't help but wonder. Oh, just let him be real and true and let him come back to me. Whatever deity is out there, however much you've had it in for me up to this point, just this one thing. I can handle the child, the loss, the hatred from my family, the betrayal of all I've cared for. But not this. This...this would kill me. Leave me alive to suffer in some other way. Just leave me alive.
Laters

I have been going crazy all day. I don't know where he is or what he's doing, but I know it's somewhere doing something dangerous. I swear, if he gets dead, I'm going after him to bitch at him for the entirety of the afterlife.
As for Stormy's opinion about the whole thing, she thinks he's making it up. Well, she think's HE is a SHE, but still. She thinks that he's making up this whole "I'm off to die" thing because it'd be easier for me to believe he's dead than if he just quit talking to me. THEN (yes, her theory continues) in about a week or so I'll be IMed out of the blue by a stranger with whom I'll again share a genuine connection, which will actually be him as who he really is. Like some sort of 'the lie dies and the truth rises out of the ashes' type pfeonix thing. I don't think I could handle that. Not at this point. I'm too invested in this. And if you've seen me recently, you'll realize just HOW invested. Dammit!
And another thing-that of course is all about my love, and can you tell what's on my mind tonight? Anyway, my love is UBER jealous of Plum. Yeah, Plum. I mean, it started that night we went toy shopping and I was out late. My love is CONVINCED that Plum is in love with me or something equally as ridiculous. Besides, even if he IS-and when asked, Plum only said "no comment"-the point is that *I* am in love with my love. And I don't know what to DO about the whole situation. I don't want to tell Plum that I can't spend time with him anymore. He IS a friend, and the only one I HAVE in this area. I don't even SEE him that often. Like maybe once or twice a month or something. And we both like these weird independent movies and stuff-stuff that HAS to be shared at home. But my love only wants me going OUT in public with Plum. *sigh* I just don't understand. He LIVES with a woman who has told him that she DEFINITELY has feelings for him, and I'm fine with that. But I'm not even allowed to hang out with a guy who's JUST a friend and who's completely sexually inept AND whom I'M not interested in AT ALL. Well, other as a friend. I DO love my love. I'm COMPLETELY in love. And even though we're at a point where we're not exactly in a total relationship type thing, and he's said that it's okay for me to fool around and stuff...well, I know he doesn't want me to. AND he said that no matter what I do, just don't do it with Plum. I just...I mean, even if I WERE alone in a room with Plum, my heart is with my love. And I do want to be able to do stuff with Plum, like watch our bizarre movies and stuff. *sigh* But I respect and understand my love's jealousy issues. Well, maybe not TOTALLY understand, but I DO want him to be happy. Dammit. So I respect his wishes. Or, alternatively I could just lie to him about it, and go ahead and hang out with Plum anyway. But a) I don't lie and b) I can't keep a secret, not from my love. And I'D know. And I couldn't live with MYSELF if I did something like that-even just to be alone and watching a movie with him my love looks upon as cheating. Which I would never do, could never do. I'd NEVER do anything to hurt my love, not even with his quasi-'permission'. *sigh again* Love is strange. Wonderful. But strange.
One more thing and then I'm going for a while-I signed on to my old account tonight with the status of "bored, restless, and horny as hell" and all of a sudden I am SWAMPED with guys wanting to 'keep me company'. LoL It's just TOO bad that Amethyst is still awake! It's mighty convenient, too. *grin*
Laters

Where is he GOING? What is he DOING??? GODDAMMIT, what the hell does he MEAN, "what if I don't come back"?!?!?!? FUCK!!! And THEN telling me not to worry and to go get some sleep. Yeah, like THAT'LL happen. Not now. He's going into the middle of this fucking war because of...WHAT? It's something he believes in? Believe in ME! ME!!! If you're going to die for anything, die for ME! Only DON'T die. Where will I be? Without him? What will I DO? FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to go distract myself. I'm driving myself FUCKING NUTS with this. "Don't worry." Don't worry, my ASS!
Laters

*sigh* My lovie's freaking out over not being able to talk to me for a whole day tomorrow. And I'm like, it's ONE day. I LOVE that he's that way, though. That he always has to be around me and he freaks out after not talking to me for only three hours. But to me there's very little difference between his thing tomorrow and him going to school all week. Well, we'll have to deal with mobile, which is a LOT slower, but we won't be COMPLETELY cut off from each other. OR he can call me, which obviously I'd prefer. I love him so much! And I don't doubt him at all, I believe him and have faith in him one hundred percent. Can I help it if I want to hear his voice? After two months? After he's heard mine so many times? I don't want to ask because obviously he's still freaky. But I can't help but be...well, weirded out by the whole thing. I mean, I am willing to wait for him, I LOVE him. But, dammit! It's just his voice! And I don't understand. He can get my name permanently etched into his skin, but he can't TALK to me? It's confusing and bothersome. I just don't know what to think anymore.
Anyway, I have a headache, and I'm tired of thinking about it. So we'll just see what happens tomorrow.
Laters

Oh, and one more amusing tidbit before I head off.
Stone left his tarot deck in my car the last time I saw him. Still wrapped, with the receipt. So I took it back. Hey, free money is free money. But while I was there, they asked me for a reason for the return. I had to fill out this long form and everything. I didn't really have a reason, so I put "I've been living under a rock for the past twenty years or so, and I recently found out there was once this guy named Jebus. And he must have been some pretty important dude because according to the people who knocked on my door to tell me about this Jebus, he says it's a 'sin' to use these cards. Now, I'm not too clear on what a 'sin' is, but apparently if you do it, you're going to a place called 'hell'. And from what I gather, it's not a very NICE place, despite being warm all the time. So I don't want to go there. So I'm returning these cards." The lady who took the return wasn't NEARLY as amused as I was. Probably god wasn't happy with me either. But I figure he loves me. He'll forgive me this time. Well, maybe he's already forgiven me too many times and this is the last straw, but I'll beg and plead and eventually he'll capitulate. I have that way with guys.
Laters

Oh, and not only is that person you, but if you're a guy, then I think you're very effeminate.
Laters

Dammit! Even MORE dammits!!!!!!! I CANNOT keep a secret! So at this point if you wanna know just email or call me. There's only one person who CAN'T find out, but I don't know if she even reads this. I'm pretty sure not, but I'm not taking chances. So if you email or call me and I don't tell you, then that person is you.
Laters

DAMMIT!!! I have a secret. I HATE having secrets. I'm no good at secrets! Especially when I know that other people would want to know. Or even some of them deserve to know. *sigh* I can't even hint at it or write about it or anything. I mean, I WILL tell the appropriate people. Of COURSE I will. But...at the appropriate time. NOW is not that time. And I HATE waiting for anything, especially the time to tell my secret. *sigh* What's even worse is that I know how everyone will react. And some of them will react...poorly, to say the least.
Okay, on another note, I was out all afternoon. I got my eyes checked and a new perscription for glasses. And I picked out the most ADORABLE pair! I have to wait two weeks for them to get in, but they look SUPER fabulous on me.
Oh, and I called here to see if Amethyst wanted me to bring her dinner on my way home. She answered the phone-and the same way I do, with "her highness speaking". It was ADORABLE. Although it was weird hearing her disembodied voice on the phone. Cute, but odd. I'm used to seeing her when I talk to her. Oh, I just LOVE my little one.
But I'm terribly preoccupied, so
Laters

I hurt. I hurt mentally and physically and emotionally. And I'm not really into feeling like this. So I'm going to go pass out.
Laters

Oh, and I hate all these history movies that have happy 'endings'. Because you know that right after that the people were wiped out anyways.
Laters

I decided to quit drinking. I even decided that I might possibly an alcoholic. Not because I drink all the time or must maintain a drunken stupor, but because of what happens when I'm drunk. Not just what happens. Because I am a very aware of myself drunk. I know what goes on, what I say, who I'm with, what I do and what gets done to me. But I allow things to happen when I'm drunk that I would not allow to happen when I'm sober. I use the alcohol as my excuse, when I am fully aware that I am making a conscious decision. I do it every time. Well, not every time, but I do permit things that I disapprove of or disagree with to happen to me and around me. Even Thanksgiving I was drunk. I think it just took a while for me to realize what it was that's been going on. Even though I am directly responsible for it. Even the things that weren't technically my fault. Anyway, no more liquor for me. Not right now, not by myself. Not even at parties, though I'm not invited to those. Maybe eventually with someone that I trust. That I trust IMPLICITLY, with EVERYTHING. That might take a while. There aren't (m)any of those people around. Certainly not around here. Anyway, that's my randomness for the moment.
Laters

Tonight I was watching my child, my Amethyst, my little antichrist in the tub. She didn't know I was watching, she was just playing by herself, talking to herself and singing to herself. I have NEVER wanted anymore than I did then to own a video camera. She's just the most phenomenal little girl EVER. I wish I could record everything she does and says to watch later when she's older-and, of course, to blackmail her with when she starts to date.
Oh, I LOVE my little one! I want a baby! Another baby, if you're pedantic, but mine is not a baby anymore. *sigh* If only I believed I were a good mother. Or if I were already with a solid partner who I knew to be a good father. Soon isn't soon enough. Even NOW is too far away. I really am an impatient person. I guess this is good for me, then, this having to wait. I suppose it's teaching me patience. Or maybe just that I don't like patience. Whichever.
Laters

Children are so...you know what? Insert your own adjective here. Any one, they're it. Positive, negative, anything. Yes, children are. I LOVE my daughter. And I want to raise her to be her own person with her own opinions. But I ALSO want her to be a miniature version of me. And while it's frustrating when she asserts herself, I hide that frustration and let her choose for herself. Because I DO want her to do so. I think.
Anyway, I'm talking to my lovie.
Laters

There is an element of happiness and sadness in everything. "When I see someone eating alone in a restaurant, I'm happy that they get some time alone and that they have something to eat. But I'm also sad that nobody's with them and that they need something to eat."
The duality of all things-happy/sad, good/evil, black/white...it's a fascinating concept. As is the concept of god vs. the human capacity for kindness and satan vs. the human capacity for cruelty.
Ah, but I don't feel like thinking about it.
Laters

Oh, and while I was writing that, a flippin' bee flew right in my ear. I was NOT happy about that. But instead of killing the thing quickly, I'm letting it suffer. I have it under a small opaque jar with a light shining RIGHT on it. I hope the thing dies SLOWLY. Does anyone maybe think I'm a bit...sadistic? I mean, it IS just a bee.
Laters

Okay, I've been passively avoiding this whole writing a review thing ever since Plum brought it up. Because a) it's slightly embarrassing, b) I don't know what to say, and c) I'm usually vague about things and in order to WRITE a review like this I'd have to be more specific. So what the hell, I'm putting it all aside and writing my first review. Keep in mind that I DID buy four.
All righty, the one I'm reviewing is the 'mini massager', better known as the "Pocket Rocket". (And damn, this IS embarrassing.) Anyway, this one's used for clitoral stimulation. It's got these three small metallic nubs on the top of it, or this plastic attachment that's got a lot of what I'd call spikes. I used that once a while ago and found it entirely uncomfortable, and even scratchy, so I've completely ceased with that. So just the simple little metallic nubs and vibrating action. The only thing that I can think to compare it to is possibly oral sex from someone with a tongue piercing-except a bit faster and the plus that *I* control where it goes instead of relying on the expertise (or, in general, lack thereof) of a partner. Anyway, clitoral stimulation is usually a preference with chics because it's a lot easier to attain orgasm that way. In fact, a significant percentage of women CANNOT achieve it vaginally-at least I think I read that somewhere. Or maybe Magenta told me. Anyway, if it's not true, I'M not the one making it up. Anyway, in general I'd certainly recommend this one for a 'quicky'. The drawbacks of this kind of device, though, is that it's a hard surface which can potentially cause damage if used too vigorously. Which tends to happen because it IS a rather...intense kind of experience. However, if you like to just get right to the point, this is the one to use. I'll get to the finger one as a better alternative later. Okay, I think that's all I really have to say about it-other than the fact that it DID work for me WITHOUT causing damage because I'm not an idiot when it comes to using these things. However, I pity the poor lamp I accidentally kicked over in the heat of the moment.
Yep, that's all for now.
Laters

Oh, and I'm making a list of movies I want to buy. So far it's four pages long. So far. What can I say, I'm a movie freak. A movie SUPER freak, actually.
Anyway, Amethyst is still sleeping and I've got nothing else to do, so I'm going to go play with some toys so that I can write a review of them. Since I keep being pestered about doing so by my adoring fans.
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I SO went shopping today! I bought enough books to last me until I move, and I got Slate a complete gaming system-and a few games to go along with it. Amethyst got spoiled as well, but she just picked a LOT of little stuff. Including this REALLY kewl popup castle book.
And I get the house to myself for the night, which means I can take my long bath with my loud music playing and read my book without being disturbed. Especially because Amethyst is asleep.
Oh, today's a GOOD day!
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All right, the first thing on my mind right now is war. How we are at war, and how this war is specifically to go in and kill one man. Whatever, it's all beyond my control. My concern with the whole thing is Amethyst. I don't want to raise her to believe that violence for any reason is acceptable. That and almost my entire area is military, which makes us a prime target. Yes, we're moving soon, but this is war-war with a madman who has no morals, if the media is to be believed. But whatever. Like I said, it's out of my hands-there's nothing *I* can do about any of it. I'm not a fatalist, but if I were I couldn't do anything about it.
Anyway, on to other things.
I talked to Ruby a couple of days ago. Sunday, I think it was. And he was having...well, a bad day. I'm SO glad I called on Sunday instead of Saturday. He got DUMPED Sunday morning. So, of course I had to tell him I was engaged. And that I was moving close to Stormy. And that I was losing weight. And that my life was SO much better without him in it. I'm not entirely mean, nor entirely heinous. But I DID so enjoy that conversation.
I WAS going to make this a long entry, as I've had a lot on my mind recently. But I'm dead tired. So
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So. I've been neglecting my poor blog. It's starving for information, and I'm just misbusing and atreating it. Oh, well.
New updates!
Yes, I got Amethyst's birthday pictures done today. If you're curious, go here: http://briefcase.yahoo.com/candigyrl_31. There's all sorts of pictures of she and I there, but the one labeled "Amethyst x6" is hers from today. She's SUCH a beautiful little girl! And all the people at the picture studio were calling each other back and forth to check out her pictures. They ALL wanted to photograph MY child! And you can TOTALLY see why. Not only is she INCREDIBLY photogenic, she's a ham for the camera! She was SO good at following instructions and just being adorable. I LOVE taking her picture! Even though I spent WAY, WAY too much on them-they just have all these awesome new options and some REALLY neat stuff they can do nowadays! I just love living in the computer/technology age. Even if computers hate me. At least they love my daughter.
Oh, and I've been having the most EXCELLENT few days with my love. Even if we are sappy and weird. It's cute; we're in love.
I just can't get over how phenomenal my daughter is. And how beautiful these pictures are. It's amazing, I'm SO not like that. I pretty much avoid cameras as if they could steal my soul. But Amethyst LOVES them. I'm really going to have to go buy a disposable camera and take a LOT of snapshots of her. My family would love that as much as she would.
Anyway, even though he's not here, Slate and I are kinda in an argument about the state of he house. So I'mma go clean until my lovie gets online.
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FUCK!!! I am SO goddamned HORNY!!! But Amethyst has pictures tomorrow.
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*happy sigh* I love this love. I love my love. I love being in love. And I love the man I'm in love with.
Although I should probably write more, I just get too caught up in him.
Anway, good night for now.
Laters

Oh, I'm SO exhausted. I have been for the past four hours, I just couldn't tell my love that. He needed me. I love him SO much! Even though that's redundant, as love is infinite-at least my love, the love I have for him. I hurt him. *I* hurt him. Oh, I wish I could be with him every moment! I could prove every second that I'm not leaving, that I'm never going anywhere. I can't even SEE straight, but my brain is in hyper drive. And my heart is so full with him...I'm actually afraid it might burst, it's overflowing. I love him. I LOVE him. Right now it's all I can do. That and hope he one day knows it.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when the moment was PERFECT, it just wasn't FULL? Tonight, talking to my love...everything was perfect. Everything was love. And we kept running into those perfect moments-those moments that weren't meant for talking or typing, but for kissing and loving.
I know he loves me. I KNOW it. Fuck the hard evidence that Slate requires. *I* have faith. Even when we're fighting or upset with each other, I STILL love him. I still know that HE loves ME. He doesn't. A single moment and he's back in the land of the unappeased and unaccepting. It's frustrating. Probably, that's what's MOST frustrating. That he can KNOW one moment and doubt the next.
I love him SO much! More than much. More than...more than more, more than LOVE. All I want, all I've ever wanted is to be with him. To love him. And I do. I love him.
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I'm actually kind of looking forward to living on my own. For the first time in my life. Yes, it's scary, but I think my little antichrist and I need it. The only thing is...well, I don't want to get TRAPPED in it. I don't want to be the thirty/forty year old waitress, barely making ends meet, doing nothing but barely supporting myself and my child. I'm SO much smarter than that! So much BETTER! I could do ANYTHING, and instead I'm doing menial labour that doesn't MEAN anything. Or, rather, I will be. I just...to see my life stretching before me like that and ending without me having DONE anything...but it's not like I even know what I want to do. Yeah, it would be great learning and translating languages for a living. But...there's always a 'but' with me. I don't WANT to be the poor, trashy, single mother, living in poverty. It's not the lifestyle I was born into, it's not the lifestyle I can handle. It's just that it takes so MUCH to be anything, to DO anything. I WANT to do this with the languages, I even think I CAN. I LIKE languages. But it's my same fear. The same fear that makes me never do anything. My fear that if I try, I'll fail. Even though I KNOW it can happen, that I can do it, what if I can't and I just end up disappointing myself-and everyone else? I live in the perpetual 'what if'. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to get over that.
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I had a bad day. Stupid tattoo place-not that it's fucked up, just that it's not exactly what I wanted. But fuck it, I want OTHER tattoos in OTHER areas. I'm done with this arm. Then stupid food place that can't get a simple order right-VERY simple, I want NOTHING on it. THEN I didn't even feel like going SHOPPING to cheer myself up. And when I got home Slate was on the computer for HOURS on end, so I couldn't talk to my love.
But then Stormy called and we talked about setting up my apartment and stuff, and it was all good and it will all work out. And THEN I got to get online to talk to my lovie and I've been talking to him pretty much ever since. So all is right with my world.
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Oh, I don't even know WHAT to say! I have an appointment for a tattoo tomorrow-but tonight my love and I got into a HUGE fight. It wasn't even a fight, really, just I said the wrong thing the wrong way and fucked everything up. I'm GREAT at fucking everything up. So I begged for forgiveness, because I really didn't MEAN it the way he took it. I think we both overreacted. Then he talked to Slate, and it seemed to help him somehow. Even though Slate was more than a little mean. Though, to be honest, I thought it might have come to blows in the middle of their converment-they were TOTALLY attacking each other. Both on my behalf, though.
Anyway, I screwed everything up and he no longer believes that I love him. AND he will probably never trust me again. Why is it that I can define what I want and then do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting it? I really AM horrible. And I hurt him! I HURT my love! The only man I love, the only one I've ever loved, the only one I ever will. *I* hurt him. I will never forgive myself.
I'm so fucking awful. I wish my spine would just break and kill me. Or that I'd get hit by a bus. Or accidentally fall off my ten story building. Or in some way that's heinous and painful that I'd just die. It would be SO much better for EVERYONE I care for. I would suffer the way I'm supposed to and I'd be dead. A plus from every angle.
*sigh*
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So at the PT thing today I found out that I have hairline fractures running through my lowest bone on my spine-the L5, they call it. AND that they've been there for a while. AND that they're getting worse. AND the I have something wrong with my joint right at the bottom of my spine, that it's out of place or something with the big words that *I* didn't go to medical school to learn-the SI joint, they call it. So they gave me these abdominal strengthening exercises that they admitted would probably make the pain worse, but would lessen the strain on my bones so that thirty or forty years from now I'll still be able to walk. I'm not planning on living thirty or forty years from now. I'm not even really planning on twenty. So I don't want to make the pain worse. I want to make it go AWAY. AND they refused to give me any more of the drugs that actually WORK because they're addictive-HELL, YES, I'm addicted to NOT having pain. Stupid fucking doctors. But actually, I really LIKE the lady that I was working with today. She didn't bullshit me and she was very impressed at how well I understood what was wrong with me and the questions that I asked. She can't prescribe medicine anyway, so it's not HER fault. Stupid MALE doctors is what it is.
Anyway, my lovie's online.
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Oh, and another thing that I was thinking about. I love the feeling of having my legs shaved. I just usually don't do it because NOBODY sees my legs. Anyway, I DID shave my legs last night. And I almost wore shorts out in public today. But then I considered that there would probably small children about and the thought of little screaming voices and tiny stomping feet as they all ran in terror just gave me a headache. So I wore jeans.
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So we had a big fight last night and then worked it out. I hate fighting. Especially because I don't get to enjoy the make up sex. Dammit.
Anyway, Amethyst, Slate, and I went to wash the cars today. And while Slate and I were doing the actual washing, Amethyst grabbed the hose and soaked us both. Which was fine because we got her worse. She was DRENCHED. And she LOVED it!
Then she and I went to get lunch and I actually ate. Which was a mistake because I'm supposed to ease my stomach back into the eating thing, not just launch right into it. So my tummy hurts. I don't think I'll vomit again, but I'm definitely not going anywhere.
Oh, and I was thinking about the whole lying thing as I was driving around. I don't have a problem with lying. Especially if the person lies to me to spare my feelings. The truth doesn't change just because I know about it-and if it's something that will only hurt me, I'd rather NOT know. Stormy's exactly the opposite. She wants the truth no matter what. But the thing is that SHE lies all the time and *I* don't.
Also, another thing about Stormy that I'm kind of relieved to know is that she cheated on her husband. Right before they got married. And the reason that I'm relieved to know it is that we're just about total opposites. So if SHE could do that, it pretty much means that *I* can't. I'm pretty sure I couldn't anyway, but that's just about the best proof there is.
Okay, I'm in a great deal of pain. So I'm going to go lay down with Amethyst and help her take her nap.
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And you know what else I'm upset about? I talked to him last night while I was drunk, on the phone for like fifteen minutes. While I was laying in bed. And he didn't even email me or IM me or anything about what I said. I don't even remember everything I said, just that I giggled a lot and talked nonstop. And he didn't even mention ANYthing. Poopyhead man.
Oh, and I'm so fucking hungry, but I can't eat because my stomach is still upset. Dammit.
Blah.
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So I went to bed around fourish and woke up around eightish. And I woke up throwing up. I wouldn't've been sick, except for two things: mixing liquors and food poisoning from lunch. The food poisoning was only mild, and if it hadn't been for the liquor would have just gone away. But yeah, I've been throwing up all day. My stomach is finally calming down, thankfully. Poor Amethyst, though-I've had to keep her away from me because her jumping all over me only makes me more queasy. Oh, I hate being sick.
Also I'm kinda...irritable. I know I shouldn't be, but even when you love someone you get upset with them everynow and again. I don't WANT to be angry, but I can't help it. It's not fair. No matter how much I protest that I'm okay with everything, I'm still grouchy about it. It's really not fucking fair. He has EVERYTHING of me, and I have nothing of him. And it really pissed me off that he keeps saying that he loves me MORE-because he can't even talk to me when *I* ramble on forever about the inane. AND he's got me RECORDED. Don't get me wrong, I DID want to talk to him. I just wanted him to talk to me, too. I'm real to him. I'm real and he loves me anyway. But right now I'm in love with a dream. And I love the man behind the dream, the man that I want to know. So the part of me that's angry wants to do something malicious, something to get BACK at him. *sigh* Too bad I'm not the malicious type. I don't even think I COULD be mean if I tried. Well, I probably could.
Anyway, I'm sick of thinking about it. And I'm all queasy. So I'm going to go take a nap with Amethyst.
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I feel GOOD! Well, okay, I'm in *about* the worst pain I've ever been in in my life-and it's only getting worse. Of course, it doesn't really compare to childbirth, which I've gone through-and I figure if I can survive that, I can survive anything. Including this pain and a tattoo in an incredibly sensitive spot.
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm just HAPPY! I got to go shopping, which is always good. But Slate went with me and it was really nice-almost like we were still really good friends. He even bought me roses-ROSES! Eighteen of them. And they're this beautiful bright orange colour-that just happen to match the shirt I'm wearing today. I put them in a vase and I keep going over and smelling them and just looking at them from every point in the house. Apartment. Whatever. Anyway, they're AWESOME. Someone finally bought me roses. I've never gotten roses before. I wouldn't let him buy me the red ones because obviously red means love and even though he loves me, he doesn't LOVE me. But I'm going on and on about these roses. Because they're so beautimous! I just adore them.
ALSO, I talked to a friend I haven't really seen since Thanksgiving. And he was all ABOUT me! He was going on about how good I looked and how I just looked happy and how I've lost weight and stuff. It was so kewl and flattering and just nice. It IS nice to be noticed in that way. And I'M all about that I KEEP getting noticed in that way. It's so...exhilirating for someone like me. Unusual and flattering and thrilling. I just love me right now!
Anyway, I'm going to go do something silly like dance around my living room looking like a total dork.
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I finally found what I was looking for! WooHoo! Now I just have to do a million more things to finally get it done. Anyway, I need sleep.
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I was never allowed to be a little girl, even when I was. And even as an adult-which I still hate to admit that I am-I am held responsible for what a child did. A child who happened to make mistakes-as many children do. And still, I'm the one who has to forgive them. When they never will for me.
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I don't know why, but I'm feeling very...off. Out of it, dazed, confused, odd. Whatever. And definitely alone. Amethyst is sleeping and Slate's out at work. And I have to contemplate my life ahead of me. My life ALONE ahead of me. I've never been on my own. I don't think I can. I'm scared to find out. I don't WANT to find out. Everything that's happened to me has happened when I was by myself. Everything bad, I mean. I'm so frightened. I just want to be held and protected, shielded from all the malice in the world. I need to be, and instead I'm being thrust out the door into the cold-alone. I feel like I'm caught in a tornado and a whirlpool-alternately sucked up into the sky and down into the water. Am I flying in the ocean? Or swimming in the sky? Am I lost in the wood with no one to find me? Or drowning in the sea with no one to pull me to safety?
I'm just...I'm...terrified. I feel alone in the middle of a party-the party being the rest of the world, me being overlooked right in the center of it. I never really understood how that could be. How I can be up on a platform shouting and have no one hear or even see me. I'm completely lost. I hate having plans, I hate being confined by circumstance. I hate the entire situation I'm in.
And I'm reading this book in which this mother resents being a mother and leaves her children. Is that me? Will I tolerate this motherhood as long as it's convenient and then split as soon as it's real? What am I doing? Who am I? Where am I going? And why am I always so ...alone? ...ignored? ...overlooked? ...defeated?
I've got to go do the damned dishes. Eeeewwwww.
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I've never been quite the same as everyone else. As anyone else. Not to say that there IS a definition for normal, but that I am abnormal-and always have been. I've always felt more conected to everyone and everything when I was alone. And more alone than anything when I was in a room full of people. When I was young I noted how I was always in the middle-no matter how you counted or split my family, I was always the middle child. This was never a comfort, never gave me the sense of belonging I always whished it would. It made me feel more separate, more alien than any of them. As if on either side of me were people together and I was in the middle and completely apart. And looking at my life and my family, I wonder how they couldn't know that I always loved them. Not for what I wanted, or for remembered joy. But for everything. The insults, the pain, the misconceptions and delusions they had about me, the way they acted and DIDN'T act around me, the way they saw me and the way they chose to classify me. And I still love them. Only I wish I didn't.
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I talked on the phone most of the day. First with "she who will still not be named or colour coded because I refuse to use the colour she picked out for herself because not only does it not fit, but it's also just stupid". And SHE was going on and on about how men are pigs and they lie all the time and how I'm just being jerked around by another bastard male. THEN I talked to my sister who was going on and on about how my man is actually a woman and how I'm a lesbian now. Which would be funny except that she's serious. She is THOUROUGHLY convinced that my love is female. Which also would be funny except that I have no evidence to the contrary-and it doesn't look as if I'm going to be provided any at any point in the near future. Oh, well. Stormy will just have to tease me because I choose to believe my love. It's only...well, that it's an active choice now. Before I just believed. Now I have to CHOOSE to believe, and that bothers me. And I am so real to him-pictures and voice and webcam and EVERYTHING. And I have nothing still. And that's all I want, is for him to be real. That's not so much to ask, I know it's not. And Stormy was pissed because he called last night and let me talk for like ever and he didn't say a word. She says that it's a half assed step and if you're going to do something just fucking DO it. And then went on to tell me about her husband's new penis trick.
Anyway, I'm going to get online and wait for my love. I've got a headache from thinking about all this shit anyways.
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I think I'm disturbed about finding out new things about my sister. But it's not just that, it's also finding out things about myself. Especially like our roles in life and how I thought they were totally opposite from what they actually are.
Anyway, my lovie's online.
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*sigh* All sad. It happened as I knew it would. Stormy's not coming. She doesn't have enough, and she's trying to set me up and pay bills and all that crap. I just knew it would happen that way. I knew that we'd talk about it and get all excited about it and that it wouldn't happen. All frowny.
I'm still in a good mood, I'm just upset that I don't get to see Stormy while I'm here. I wish I were independently wealthy, or something like that. There's so much I want to DO!
Oh, and I bought something today. And it's so KEWL! I just love it, even if I am a big dork. Which we all already knew anyway.
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I woke up just SMILING! I don't even know why, I'm just in a GOOD mood! I had weird dreams, but not bad. And there was this one dream that wasn't a dream, it was a memory. From when Amethyst was only maybe five or six months old. I'd had an early appointment, and Ruby didn't want to drive me. But his car was a standard and I'd never driven it by myself before. Anyway, I DID go and drive it by myself and I got there and back without stalling it out at ALL. So when I got home I danced around the house with Amethyst and Ruby singing "Mommy can drive daddy's car!" over and over and over again. It was just one of those moments when EVERYTHING is amazing. Where nothing in the world exists outside of this beautiful little happy bubble we created, the three of us frozen in time, dancing around this tiny little loft apartment with no doors, living only for and with each other. I think I remembered it because I'm almost there again. Almost to a moment that will last forever and be perfect. Or maybe I'm just psychotically good moody today. Whatever.
I'm taking Amethyst out for ice cream.
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*sigh* I love my love, but he's silly. I was going to take a nap while he went to his doctor, and just keep the speakers up for when he got back. But he figured out how to use messenger from his cell phone and has not ceased to leave me messages. So I have to go to sleep for real now. I just love him.
And I can't believe that Amethyst is still awake, but we're going to go sleep.
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Oh, and Amethyst is still up and NOT appreciating this movie. Wonder why? She DOES speak a little of the language. Just the numbers, alphabet, and "I love you", but still. Ah, well, she's about to go to sleep, anyway.
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OMG! One of my favourtie movies by my FAVOURITE director is on! AND the best part is, it's NOT DUBBED!!! It's subtitled! Yay! And my favourite actress is in it, and it just rocks! I have to own this movie! Dammit, why do I have to have such bizarre tastes that all the stuff I want has to be imported from wherever? But it REALLY is a good movie. I'm thouroughly enjoying it-even though I came in at the middle of it, which in general I hate.
And, in other news, my love promised he'd call me tonight. Even though he's got a doctor's appointment he needs to go to. *sigh* What do I tell him? To skip it and call me-even though he's skipped about a thousand of them to talk to me already? Or tell him to go and risk him NOT calling me for FOREVER? *sigh*
Ah, well. We'll see.
Laters

*sigh* So I am unable to keep secrets. I told him. He'd already had it almost figured out anyway. AND I told him my other secret, so now he knows them all. Sometimes I wish I could keep secrets or lie or anything like that. But I'm kinda glad I'm the way I am-honest. Too honest, really.
Anyway, I finally got all x-rayed today. And the x-ray guy was TOTALLY flirting with me. I think it's because he thought it was funny when he asked what he could do for me and I said "examine my innards". He really laughed-thought I was hilarious or something. Whatever. Oh, and on my way onto the base, they were checking IDs-and mostly just waving people through. But the guy stopped me and took my ID and deliberately checked to see if I were married. Then he looked all disappointed. He was cute, so I winked at him and drove off. AND, I came back and took Amethyst out to lunch and while we were out I said what I always say to her: "do you ever wonder why you're an only child?" And this guy told me that was the funniest thing he'd ever heard and proceeded to stalk us. And try to flirt with me, but he was really no good at it. Besides, I'm taken.
Anyway, I had an amusing day. But now I have to go cook dinner.
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Oh, and I've got a secret. A BIG one. A HUGE one. I told him all my other ones, but I'm not going to tell him this. I DID tell Stormy-I had to tell SOMEbody. Like I said I'm no good with secrets. I couldn't even keep Slate's when he told me WAY back when. And THAT was a big one.
Anyway, I'm obviously up from my nap with Amethyst-even though SHE'S still asleep. Which means I have a little bit of me time. WooHoo! I'm going to go read. I know, I know. I'm a dork.
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Am I just picking fights? Am I just trying to force him to move too fast? I don't think so. I think it's time for this. And I have to bring it up again tonight. I can't say that it's entirely for him that I am bringing it up. Of course it's for me, too. But he NEEDS this. It's NECESSARY for him. And stubborn man can't or won't ask for help. What am I supposed to do? I love him. I HAVE to help him. I have to get them to help him, too-his sister and his friend.
It's been an entire month since he first told me he loved me. And we both knew even longer than that. Honestly, though, I wouldn't have pressed the issue last night if he hadn't used 'never'. I can't take never. I love him. And I NEED him. Never is not an option. So we try again. Tonight.
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Screw the damned x-rays. I'll go tomorrow when Slate can watch Amethyst. But I just GOT x-rayed like maybe six months ago. Oh, well, at least it's not another MRI. Or CAT scan. Or anything like that. Although it probably will get there again. Stupid doctors. I don't CARE what's wrong. I just want it to go away. And still they refuse to rip out my spine. Bastards. Oh, well. I'm going to see if I can't find some more loopy drugs so I can feel better at least temporarily.
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He finally got online. After four hours. But I was chatting with his sister. He'd fallen asleep WITHOUT asking them. *sigh* So I wait once again.
Anyway, Amethyst is awake and insisting that I need rest. So I'm going to lay down until I have to go get x-rayed.
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THREE hours. THREE. Three hours and nothing. No IM, no email, no phone call. What am I supposed to DO? I'm waiting. For him. For the rest of my life, if need be. But he signed offline. He's gone. Oh, WHERE is he? WHAT is he doing? WHO is he with? WHY isn't he calling? Or IMing? Or ANYTHING? Dammit, what is going ON?
My stomach is all tied up in knots, my heart is beating so fast I'm afraid it's going to explode-and then not beating at all just catching in my chest, my breathing is irregular-I'm afraid I'm about to hyperventilate...and I've been like this for THREE HOURS.
This is killing me. Driving me mad.
So what am I supposed to do? It's five in the morning. Amethyst just came out and asked me what I was doing up so late. I put her down to try to go back to sleep. Should *I* go to sleep? I'm not sleepy. I don't think I COULD sleep. But...three hours? What is he DOING, dammit?!?
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TWO hours! What's he doing? Is he sitting by the phone, picking it up and putting it back down again a million times? Or sitting in front of the computer, wondering what to say to me when he DOESN'T call? What did he say to her? What did she say to him? What's he thinking? Where is he? What's going ON?
Dammit, I'm going insane. Four in the morning and the only thing in my mind and in my heart is him. Wishing so much for the phone to ring. I've been staring at the phone so long that I almost don't remember what it does anymore. You know how that happens sometimes? When you're doing something so long that it no longer makes sense?
I KNOW he loves me. But, dammit, what is he WAITING for? I LOVE him. For everything. I belong to him. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that could ever drive me away. And yet...he doesn't believe that. He thinks that whatever he's done or whoever he is will somehow shock me or scare me or simply make me run. How can he not see what I see? How can he not see the man he is in my eyes? The man who was made for me. The man who makes me-ME!-believe in the impossible, in things I never thought I could believe in. I want SO badly just for him to hear my voice, to hear the infinite love infusing it. I think once he does that he can finally start believing in me, too. Finally start letting me into his heart, into his world. I know he's afraid. I hate that he's been hurt. I just need him to know that I love him, and always will. He says he'd die for me, but that trusting me, opening up to me and letting me know him will drive me away and kill him. But he has to give me that chance. He has to give me the chance to run so he will know forever that I never will.
DAMMIT. All this thinking is hurting my brain. I just want to talk to him. To tell him I love him so that he can HEAR it, so that it's no longer just words on a screen, but a truth so profound oceans are jealous. And, admittedly and selfishly, I want to hear HIS voice, too. So that he's real to me. More real than life. I love him.
What is he WAITING for?
Laters

Damn, I feel like a flighty teenager picking apart flowers-he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call. I wish I DID have a magic, fortune telling flower right now. This waiting thing is driving me crazy. He will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call/he will call/he won't call...
Okay, all I'm doing is driving myself crazy. I'm going to go pretend to concentrate on something else, when really all I'll be doing is staring at the phone and the computer screen.
Laters

He's out trying to gather the courage to call me. Or to at least get his friend to call me so he can talk to me, too. And I know he can do it. But I ALSO know that his friend is in love with him. And though I know she wants him to be happy, she wants him to be happy WITH HER. So I'm praying more than at any other time in my life right now-praying that she loves him enough to let him go, to help him be happy with ME, and not sabatoge us as I know she wants to do. Even unconsciously, because I don't believe she wants to hurt him. I believe in my love; I have faith that he can overcome his fear and finally take me for all I am. But he NEEDS her help. So now it's up to her. Will she choose the selfish path? Or the right one? I'm hoping and praying with all my heart, all that I am that she loves him truly, and will let him be mine, and me be his.
I'm waiting with bated breath, and my heart is alternately pounding and skipping beats. What happens now?
Laters

I don't know what I believe in. I think about it a lot, and always come back to the same conclusion: that it doesn't matter. That truth is subjective, and nothing is fact. That even if there are solid facts, maybe we are not meant to know them. And what changes when we know them? They're still there as they always have been-and does it matter that we are now aware of them?
With all this science and technology advancing at such a breathtaking pace, what are we to believe? That science disproves the existence of god? Slate believes this. That everything is somehow a cosmic accident, and that everything exists because of the nature of existence being infinite.
Or could it be that science actually PROVES the existence of god? Because of all the detail, the minuteness of it, the way in which if any little tiny thing were in any way ANY different, life as we know it could not exist and therefore this creation must have been planned by someone or something. Is that what *I* believe? I don't know. It's what I'd LIKE to believe. I want to believe in a heaven and a god. I want to believe in something eternal, especially since my life is all so...temporary.
I yearn for the knowledge of god. No, not the knowledge. I don't want to KNOW. I want to believe, to have faith. And the two are mutually exclusive-if you know something exists, you can no longer believe in it because now it's real to you. I'm simply not able to. And maybe I know why. Maybe it's because once I have the faith, I'll want the knowledge. As I have faith in my love, but I want him to be real to me. Maybe THAT's the human condition. To never be satisfied, to always have the fantasy-even if the fantasy changes the more we get what we thought was all we'd ever want. Maybe that's the point of life, to grow, to attain the ultimate fantasy, to reach a point where fantasy and reality meet, and to be perfect. Maybe that's the point of suffering. Maybe that's why I have been through all that I have-not to test me, as if god is some sort of sadistic narsicist-but because I AM as kind and generous and noble and goodhearted as I wish I was, and I need to want to progress beyond that.
What is this? Am I starting to believe? Am I coming to a point where the suffering is no longer necessary, where I will be able to continue to grow without it? Should I hope for that?
Is there a god? Does he listen to us? Is he a kind and loving father, or a wrathful spirit? Or perhaps both? As a mother-which I never wanted to be-am I closer to understanding a father figure of a god? Is there a purpose for both my situation and Stormy's? IS there a meaning to life-both mine and the rest of the world's? As I get closer to believing, I'm coming up with more and more questions. As perhaps I'm supposed to. I think I'm even having a sort of almost epiphany.
But now my love is online and driving all other thoughts from my head. So
Laters

I'm not exactly afraid to write about my love. Except I am a little, too. For one thing, it's still a little unreal to me. Like I'm somehow living in a perpetual dream. For another, I know he reads this, and if I just sat down to write and let it flow like I want to, I'm afraid something will come out that will in some way hurt him-even though he already knows how impatient I am for him. For a third, what if I rant and rave and love so completely-and then jinx it? I'm great at fucking things up. I'm definitely the kind of person who decides what she wants and then does everything in her power to prevent herself from getting it. And besides, how do you get what you want when all you want is another person? Especially if that other person doesn't want you back? Why do people do this to themselves? Set all their happiness and future plans on the someone else? Human nature? What IS human nature? What is natural for us? Is it different for everyone? Or is it simply the movement of the masses? I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. So why am I still talking?
Laters

I don't usually read other people's blogs. Most of them are either too focused on outside/world events or the people who write them are just mundane-and completely boring. But tonight I stumbled upon one that just fascinated me. A girl that might have been me had my life taken a different turn about oh, four/five years ago. A girl I identify with so completely that I want to steal the words she uses for herself and make them my own-because they apply directly to me. A girl I envy, and almost wish I could be. Except that I somehow almost am. Or maybe it's the other way around. And I even sent this girl an email-something which I have never done before. I want to know her. Quite simply, I'd certainly like to be her friend.
Laters

Why does the ass crack of dawn have to happen so goddamned EARLY? I am SO not a morning person. Not my greatest flaw, but definitely up there on the list. MY list, that is. I'm only going to get like two hours of sleep tonight. And then I have all that crap to deal with tomorrow. Maybe this whole "I'll get enough sleep when I'm dead" thing will happen sooner rather than later if I don't actually start getting a little more. I heard or read somewhere that sleep deprivation will kill you quicker than starvation-not that I'm in ANY fear of the latter.
Laters

Okay, so I haven't slept in about five days. And so I'm in just a little bit of excruciating pain. And so I have to get up in already less than four hours. And so what? I'm talking to my love. I wouldn't give that up for anything. Not even sleep. In fact, I never want to sleep again, if it meant I could still talk to him. I know, I know. I'm starting to sound all teenager sappy. But I like this feeling. Like I can do anything. Even sprout wings.
But I'm all loopy and stuff. So...
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I did it and it turned out FABULOUSLY! I really DO rock!
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I did something! I did! AND I did it all by MYSELF! It might end up badly, but it might just not, too. We will just have to see. But I'm just excited that I did something all by myself. I ROCK!
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There are SO many movies out that I wanna buy! So it's a good thing I don't have access to my tax return-which should be used to pay bills. Dammit. And I wanna get a tattoo and another piercing...*sigh* I hate being broke. HATE it. I wish I just had like a thousand dollars to blow. It would be gone in two days. If that. And boy, would that be fun! Shopping is just GREAT therapy for chics. And I LOVE being a chic.
Anyway, I'm tired. I've not been sleeping well for the past like week. I don't need sleep, but right now I want it. So I'm going to go take a short nap. And then wait for my love.
Laters

Fucking doctors. Useless pricks, the lot of them. More damned useless drugs, and more useless physical therapy. Been there, done that. And they didn't even give me the good drugs, the ones that actually work. Just this crap that doesn't even pretend to. So yay, more pain. Oh, well, I'm used to it by now.
Anyway, after the doctor Amethyst and I went shopping. Shopping! This time it was for clothes for Amethyst. And it was SO awesome, because they have the CUTEST stuff for little girls. But I HAD to go shopping. She needs birthday pictures, and thus a cute little outfit. Or eight. *grin*
Laters

Oh, yeah, and Happy Mardi Gras!!! I wish I were already living near Stormy-she's REALLY close to the famous center of it all. And I've always wanted to go. Maybe next year, if I'm still living in that area. On the one hand, this gypsy/nomad blood thing is kinda kewl. On the other, it's kinda scary not knowing where I'm going to be living month to month, much less year to year. Ah, well. It'll get figured out.
Laters

Okay, so I overreacted. I'm a chic, it's bound to happen occasionally. But I'm all better now. Reinflated happy bubble. All is still right with my world.
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*prick* And the bubble bursts. As I knew it would. As it had to, being a delusional bubble and all. And that's why I prefer being miserable. Because at least then there's no DISAPPOINTMENT, no hope. I'd rather be hopeless than have it crushed every single fucking time.
I wish I could just be like Stormy. Just storm off and not talk to people for like three days. But I'm not like that-I have to talk about it, to try to solve everything.
*sigh*
And then I adjust and think and quit simply reacting and realize that everything is and will be okay.
Laters

I really want to have a discussion in here about god. Because I have some really interesting, unique, and intelligent thoughts and questions on the subject. And I've been thinking about it a lot recently. For quite a few reasons. But that will have to wait for another time-a time when my brain has had more rest than five hours in three days.
I got myself a bookmark the other day, too. When I got all those other books. It's silver with this beautiful pale/light purple engraving. The English word and Japanese symbol for love. I don't usually like pale or pastel colours, but this one is just...I dunno, nice in some way. Soothing and appropriate.
Anyway, the bookmark got me thinking. I want another tattoo. And this whole Japanese symbol thing is so popular right now. So I was thinking about getting one. But I can't decide which-I've come up with quite a few that really MEAN something to me: love, hope, faith, dream, remember, and live. And even if I decided which, I'd have a problem also deciding where. I was also thinking about getting a bracelet of blue forget-me-nots tattooed around my wrist. Not that I think I'm very much forgotten-I'm definitely a memorable character, if for no other reason than my name-but I think I'm very...overlooked.
Ah, well. Worry about it ALL later. Right now Amethyst is taking a nap and Slate is at work. So guess what I'M gonna do?
Laters

Wow. There's a lot of me not sleeping recently. I wonder why that is?
Laters

Oh, man! First off, I am a totally horrible person. I wrote an amusing/raunchy entry in GreyMatter's guestbook-and his chic checked out the link to here and figured out who GreyMatter was and got all pissy and confronted him. He said that she seemed okay, just that he should have told her. Which, as I recall someone ELSE might have mentioned-someone maybe a lot like me. Anyway, it forces him to choose which girl, and he's choosing the one who read me here. Which is the obvious choice, since everything he's EVER said about the other girl-even from the beginning-has been 'just friends' type of material. And everything he's said about the first girl has pretty much been ranting and raving and 'girlfriend' material. But I just talked to GreyMatter and he's not super pissed at me anymore. Thankfully. I've been feeling super guilty since last night when he told me what happened. Hopefully everything will work out for him, though.
As for me, I'm just having a FABULOUS few days! Today is Girl's Day, so Amethyst and I went to the zoo. Well, back up-first, I woke up an hour before my alarm went off, which means I got about three hours of sleep. So I decided that instead of going back to sleep, we'd go out to breakfast. And it was yummy and good. Then grocery shopping and THEN the zoo. And at the zoo we ran into this other single mother and her son-who's only a few months younger than Amethyst. And we spent the afternoon with them. She's really kewl, nice, friendly, and just as into this whole single mother thing as I am. So we got each other's phone numbers and are planning play dates for the kids-who got along SUPER well, they were holding hands the WHOLE way through. Play dates meaning we'll find some sheltered and secure area for them to play and we'll ignore them and chat with each other. It's just amazing to me to have actually met and gotten along with a complete stranger. Usually I'm so socially inept. But kids are great at bringing people together. The universal magnet or something. I'm just thrilled to have made a friend. An actual FEMALE friend. I bet my love will be relieved. He just HATES it when I go out with guys-and ALL of my friends here just happen to BE guys. Until now. WooHoo!
Everything the past few days has just been going my way. Amethyst has been behaving BEAUTIFULLY, I've been going out, I've gotten to shop-actually shop!-I've been able to hang out with friends, and even make new ones. And I'm in love. That's the most important and best thing of all. I am completely in love.
I got to talk to my love first thing in the morning-well, first thing for him, I was already halfway through my day (after I put the groceries away before we went to the zoo). Which I think is just a great way to start out the day-talking to the one you love. Of course, an even BETTER way would be waking up next to that person, but we'll get there. He and I have both been...well, physically craving each other. And he keeps saying that he doesn't have much self control. Which on the one hand sucks-but on the other hand, I have a tool for breaking down his resistance, to the point where his self control just *snaps*. And at that point I hope he hops on a plane instead of on another girl. Even though I claim to understand, I SO would not. Well, understand, yes. Even forgive-because that's my nature and because that's what you do for those you love. But I would ALSO be totally heartbroken. And he would, too, if I did that with anyone else. Which is why I spent as much as I did on toys. HE just has to go buy a cheap bottle of lotion. Not even that, really.
Oh, and I got this prism for my car, to kind of remind me of my love. Because we're both so into colours. And this morning, driving around, it was shining its tiny colours all over me-like I was practically bathing in this pure, broken light. And everywhere the light touched me it was like feeling his fingers or his lips there. I was so happy, I laughed out loud. Amethyst thought I was crazy, but it was just...a phenomenal experience.
Anyway, I think things are finally okay. Better than okay. I'm not as codependent as usual-things that would normally terrify me I find myself doing on like a regular basis now. I'm finding ways to take CONTROL of my life, make it MINE, instead of doing everything always for everyone else. I'm learning patience-a trait I have been MORE than lacking. In fact, I'm a sort of anti-patient person. It's been said that if patience were the only virtue, I'd be going straight to hell. I'm also exercising more-even just walking around a zoo for hours. I'm eating healthier and more regularly. I'm losing weight; I'm dressing cutely. Until I started writing this, I've just been revelling in the new me. Now, looking at all the things that are going right, I find myself wondering when catastrophe is going to strike. I don't GET this lucky. Good things don't HAPPEN to me. I want to believe that that's changing, that my live is finally going to stop being about suffering and start being about joy. I want to believe I've suffered enough and I deserve some happiness. But I don't. I don't believe it's changing; I don't believe I deserve happiness. If I believe anything, I believe the divine or cosmic forces or fate are completely fucking with me-letting me almost TASTE what I want, what I've never been able to have, and then jerking it back from me just before I actually attain it. I'm just waiting for that pull. Any moment now...
Laters

Oh, and I TOTALLY got the wink as I was driving around today. I just love all this attention I'm getting all of a sudden. I ESPECIALLY love that *I* am the one turning *them* down. Happy I. Really, really, really happy.
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Damn, I have had an EXCELLENT weekend. Friday, I got a free dinner. Yesterday I got to hang out with Plum and buy myself some toys. And today I hung out with Stone most the day. He took me to a movie. A very graphic movie, but Amethyst wasn't scared. We also went shopping, and I spent WAY too much again. But on books this time. YAY! I finally have something to read. Including the book that both Stormy and my love have recommended to me. Now Stone irritates me a lot of the time because of his attitude. But I can usually get him to take me out and today he even bought me some liquor. And we had a really good time-despite all the sexual innuendos. And not so much 'innuendo' as flat out 'hey, bj'. So whatever. As long as I pretend that maybe it'll eventually happen, we'll probably hang out a little more often. It's just TOO bad that I have a four year old with me all the time. *snaps fingers* Such a shame...LoL
Anyway, Amethyst did wake up at six this morning and we've been out all day so she didn't get a nap. So she's asleep already. Ah, well, she'll probably wake up at six again tomorrow morning. S'all good. She really is cute. And I'm still in shock that she's already four. HOW did that HAPPEN? Wow. Kids. Not only do they age you, they grow up too damned fast.
Okay, I have dishes to do and a house to clean so I'm going to go do that. Especially since we have no more clean silverware.
Laters

Okay, I didn't want to say this earlier, but DAMN, I'm in PAIN. Sitting in this chair has just been KILLING me. Thank goodness I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. But I'm going to figure out a way to sit comfortably in this chair by tonight, because OW! AND I'm sleepy. NOT tired-too much caffeine, as I knew I'd be up this late talking to my love. But I have a headache and I feel a little sick, so I'mma go lay down while Amethyst watches this movie for the millionth time. Then hopefully I'll take her out to the park or the zoo or SOMEthing later today. We'll see. I really DO need to take her out more often. Not that I think I'm a horrible mother or anything. Well, somtimes I do. But I have a happy child, who knows she is loved. So I can't be doing TOO badly.
Anyway, I'll quit babbling. I'm done.
Laters

Okay, so last night I had pretty much a shitty time with jerko-and I didn't even get a free toy out of it. But at least I was able to ditch him easily. So it all turned out okay.
TONIGHT, though. Tonight, I had a fabulous time. Totally fun. First we went toy shopping-we meaning Plum and I. We were there for a little over an hour and I spent WAY too much. It was SO fun, though. And the chic who had to test everything-because obviously those kind of toys are not returnable-was VERY excited about the little finger one. And believe me, so was I. I got a whole bunch of stuff to try out-and I promised Plum I'd write a review about each one in my blog. So look for that in the coming week or so.
Anyway, after toy shopping we went to get something to eat. And I know that this is a small area and everything, but I was REALLY surprised at who I ran into. Royal. Yep, guy who dumped me right before Thanksgiving. Royal, out with his parents on a Saturday night. Twenty six and still a virgin, and I can't IMAGINE why! Anyway, it was interesting to see him. And I wasn't attracted to him, at least not in the sense of actually wanting him. I met his parents and we had a completely civil conversation and then said goodbye. Well, I did hug him, but it wasn't in like a lust kinda way. It's just the way I am with people. And even though I thought of all sorts of mean things I could've said to him, I didn't. I didn't even tell him about what happened on Thanksgiving, then mentioning that it wouldn't have happened if his happy little virgin ass hadn't DUMPED me to be abused and taken advantage of like that. He was with his parents. I THINK of all these malicious little things, but I never actually DO or SAY any of them. But I'm kinda glad in a bizarre sort of way that I ran into him. Because I've lost some weight, and I'm in love, and I'd been having a really good day, and I was wearing a TOTALLY cute outfit, so I looked GOOD. PLUS *I* was there with a GUY and HE was there with his PARENTS. So he got to SEE what he's missing out on.
Then Plum and I went to eat and I casually mentioned that I maybe DIDN'T want to see the independent black and white samuri movie and maybe wanted to see a romantic comedy instead. And because I'm a cute chic it wasn't too difficult to get him to acquiesce. But he didn't like it-and I have to admit that even though it was marginally enjoyable, it was ALSO a bad movie-so I promised him that I'd go see the samuri one with him later this week. I'm kinda sorry we didn't go see it in the first place, but at least I have something to NOT recommend to others later. And things I can mock. But before we went to the movie, he also took me to a place I'd never been before-the world's largest coffee house chain. It was yummy. And he was very impressed with my tongue as I played with the whipped cream in my caramel drink. He wasn't the only one, though. There were a few other guys who were checking out my mad tongue action. I just LOVE my tongue. I love that I know what to do with it. And that it's so fun to play with. AND that it makes it a lot easier for me to be a REALLY good kisser.
Anyway, overall I had a REALLY good evening. And then when I got home-already almost two hours late to meet my love-Slate was on the computer for another hour and a half. *sigh* But I at least got to take my shower int that period of time.
And then I get online and my love had REALLY missed me. AND he was REALLY, REALLY jealous of Plum. Kept saying that no man could spend that much time with me without falling in love. THEN he said that if Plum WAS in love with me that he just got to spend an entire evening with the girl that he loved when my love hasn't even met me. I love that he gets all jealous and possessive. I think it's sweet. But it also makes me feel safe. Like he'd protect me from anything. And that's a great relief because there's so much that's happened to me, I need to feel shielded against any more of it.
Oh, man, it's after six in the morning. The sun is rising. Amethyst is awake. But I'm still talking to my love. So I guess that's a nix on the sleeping idea for tonight. Last night. Whatever.
I love that all I talk about is my love. He's all I think about. All I want. All I need. He's everything to me. I love that he can make me feel like this. I love that he can make me think like this and act like this and even LOOK like this. I love being in love.
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I just put Amethyst down for bed and she asked if I could shut the door "so I can have sleeping privacy". She's just TOO adorable.
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